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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

204 replies

lecce · 28/02/2015 17:50

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). Sad I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it Hmm.

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

OP posts:
EveBoswell · 28/02/2015 19:08

Your aunt would welcome the existing letter. I sent a 21 year-old man boy a couple of CDs for his 21st birthday a few weeks ago and I'm still waiting for an acknowledgement of any sort.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2015 19:10

Did you actually discuss what should be in a thank-you letter?

At school I would have gathered lots of ideas, written them on a board. They would have seen what thank you letters looked like and then they would have had the chance to write a draft.

Your expectations were way too high.

treasureisland · 28/02/2015 19:11

Are you a teacher by any chance? This is exactly the kind of thing my (teacher) mother would have gone spare over.

Original poster
lecce · 28/02/2015 19:25

Ok, I accept IWBU, and posters who mentioned my worried for my aunt are correct, I think.

I know it sounded a bit knobbish to mention top-table etc but I just wanted a succinct way to convey the fact that he is capable of more to avoid lots of irrelevant posts assuming that this was the best he could do, making me even more UR than I already am.

Many people have assumed I had no discussion with him before or during the exercise. This is not the case - of course we discussed what he could write about first, and I was in the same room cooking while he wrote it. Moreover, it is only a few weeks since he wrote his Christmas thank-you cards - he is well-aware of what to include, and if I didn't know that, I wouldn't have been upset. He absolutely hates drawing, more than writing, so that was never going to happen...

As for those saying it is ridiculous for me to expect a little consideration for others at his age, well, I'm not entirely sure about that one. Utterly egotistical? Really? He's 8 next month, not three. He has shown consideration for others many times before, and his whole attitude re the letter-writing was 'Omg, this is such a waste of my precious time, how dare you expect this of me..." Wasn't pleasant.

Anyway, I do accept IBU largely as a result of the fact that I am very sad to think my aunt may not visit us again, but, no, I shouldn't have projected all my feelings onto ds and we have had a nice chat and all is good now.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 28/02/2015 19:31

My own 7 year old very dramatic and selfish when he wants to be - letter writing would be one because to quote 'it's borrrriiinnnngggg'. He then gets a swift earful from me, told to buck his ideas up and think of others a bit then write correct letter with dramatic moaning and sighing lol.

It's our job as parents to remind them other people exist.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/02/2015 19:32

FromSea Blush Koran! Non Kodak moments! As in not a momentwhen you are trying to "make a memory" bybut an unfortunate emotionally charged memory that becomes seared on the child's memory in vivid detail, in a way all the lovely picture perfect "Kodak moments" you think you are creating beautiful memories by creating on picnics and days at the beach and birthday parties don't :o

bluelamp · 28/02/2015 19:40

So he's a year 3 rather than a year 2. DD1 is 7 but year 2 and her thankyou letters consist of 'Dear X, thankyou for the X you sent me, Love DD1.' I guess I need to be more pushy but I hated writing thankyou letters as a child so don't really feel like making her write more when she has 17 of the buggers to write (Christmas birthday so 2 lots of letters to write at one time).

softlysoftly · 28/02/2015 19:44

The thing is what you got in the first place was a basic but nice letter with some thought into updating his great aunt with, crucially, no fuss. You said yourself any writing requested at home results in drama. This didn't he wrote a note without fuss probably because in his careless, 7 year old, unaware of the ticking of time his aunt has left, way, he loves her.

What you then did was make it into a really negative thing, and have a note that is written in anger and reluctance. Which do you think your aunt would treasure more?

I understand why you have reacted because you are aware he can do more and emotionally fragile about his aunt. But perhaps a small "thank you for writing your aunt will really appreciate this, bit disappointed it's not to the best of your abilities though" would have been better.

Bogeyface · 28/02/2015 19:45

This is why we do phone calls!

Tried thank you letters and frankly they werent worth the tears and tantrums. So now we ring and they have a proper conversation with whoever, and a proper thank you is said.

Saves hassle all round and the givers seems to appreciate it :)

NickiFury · 28/02/2015 19:46

Well I don't think YABU actually. My 8 year old would have and did write a far nicer letter than that at age 7. I think a lot of you must have very low expectations of your dc. It didn't have to massively long, but certainly more than the one he wrote. I would have made him re write it too.

Totality22 · 28/02/2015 19:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him to redo it per se, I do think you come across as completely hysterical about it based on what you posted here....selfish child / can do better / doesn't give a shit / you feel like crying.

All you needed to do was tell DS his great aunt would probably prefer a slightly longer letter [which he could do tomorrow]

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 28/02/2015 19:52

I think you must have ridiculously high expectations for a seven year old and sound highly strung and miserable.
But each to their own eh?

Feminine · 28/02/2015 20:11

The 'top table' at seven,will still only be the top table at seven

Seven.

Those certificates (as lovely as they are) will not be for writing the modern day equivalent of war and peace

Seven.

ghostinthecanvas · 28/02/2015 20:20

My assumption was based on the content of his letter, something I would expect to be written with no parental help. I never thought you were being unreasonable based on your earlier info anyway but having seen your update, YADNBU.

ColdAsIceCubes · 28/02/2015 20:33

Yabu. What were you hoping from a seven years old? The works of Shakespeare? He said thanks you, the most important part!! Get over yourself.

Andrewofgg · 28/02/2015 20:36

YANBU - stick to your guns. It's just one of those things they have to learn to handle.

RandomNPC · 28/02/2015 20:40

I've never seen the point of thank you letters; never sent one, never received one. I manage to carry on in life ok though.
A gift is a gift, given no strings attached.

Liara · 28/02/2015 20:40

I think what he did was normal for a 7yo.

However, I think you were NOT being unreasonable to tell him that it was unacceptable and why, and give him a good telling off about it.

That is why they grow out of that kind of attitude. Because we show them that it isn't OK.

Empathy gets taught, it doesn't happen by itself. It's really great that you are teaching him consideration for someone elderly, and that you are showing him how worried and concerned you are for a much loved relative. If he doesn't see that, how on earth would he learn?

Inkanta · 28/02/2015 20:41

You sound very hyper critical. And I don't think you should call him 'selfish'. Give the poor kid a break.

Liara · 28/02/2015 20:41

Oh, and I say this as someone who has never written a thank you letter in my life nor made my dc write one.

It's not about the thank you letter. It is about doing whatever it is you do in your family to show someone you care about them. In you case it just happens to be writing thank you notes.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/02/2015 20:46

You don't teach empathy by modelling a lack of it.

You don't encourage feelings of love and empathy by telling a child their willingly written letter is crap and not good enough and forcing them to write something "bettr" under a cloud of resentment, anger, recriminations and drama.

You teach resentment and bitterness.

Buglife · 28/02/2015 20:54

I think your son sounds sweet from that letter. It's sad you think he's selfish. You said 'write a thank you letter'. He thanked her, he said a little bit about what he's done. He probably just couldn't think of anything else to say at the time. You feel like crying? Does he know you are disappointed in him for doing what you asked?

Liara · 28/02/2015 20:55

Maybe. There are ways and ways of showing things.

At home, anyone who 'screams the house down' gets very short shrift. As does anyone who does things in a half-hearted way.

Sometimes being all empathetic and lovely with them teaches them that they can get away with being a selfish, entitled git.

OP knows what her dc is able to write. If it were my dc, I would frankly be reasonably impressed with what her ds wrote (and one of mine is older). But OP knows her ds had put no effort into it. That is what was not OK.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 28/02/2015 21:00

It's a very sweet letter.

Your Aunt would be mortified that you were so unkind to your DS.

GertrudePerkins · 28/02/2015 21:08

TBH i reckon I'd get something similar from my 7yo if not supervised or heavily prompted, and she is very strong at literacy/creative writing

if I wanted her to do something a bit more sophisticated I'd need to talk it through in quite some detail first.

I wouldn't make him do it again, but I'd ask him to do a decent picture tomorrow to send with it, and make a mental note to coach him next time.