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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want a daughter

170 replies

Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 21:17

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

OP posts:
BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 04/02/2016 16:28

There is absolutely no guarantee that if you had a daughter you and she would be close once she reached adulthood.

No guarantee whatsover. You only have to read MN for a year or two to see how many women have totally distant and dysfunctional relationships with their mothers.

LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2016 16:56

Er Seriously obviously MNHQ agrees......

LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2016 16:58

Seriously as in your name sorry MNHQ agrees, otherwise their post wouldnt have been deleted.

Battleshiphips2 · 04/02/2016 17:21

At the minute I'm snuggled up in bed with my 8 and a half year old son, he's singing a little song he made up about how much he loves me. Inside my tummy is another little huge boy, we'll be meeting him in 14 days. I was hoping for another boy this time and was delighted when I found out he was a boy. However there is a tiny part of me that feels a bit sad I won't get the chance to have a daughter also. YANBU, I think it's just a natural part of motherhood. My sil was sad she only had girls, she would've loved to have a boy. I guess we always want what we haven't got.

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/02/2016 17:36

I secretly wanted a girl when I was pregnant. Then ds was born and if I got pregnant again I'd secretly be hoping for another boy! Which is odd because at one stage I never even thought I'd have one child, of any gender.

Seriouslyffs · 04/02/2016 17:37

I'm surprised and feel bad for hello
She was on a thread, linked to a support group and then a couple of months later linked to a book. Hardly spamming.
Poorly done MNHQ

Salene · 04/02/2016 17:37

I have a 16 month old son and I'm 13 weeks pregnant again just found out we are having a boy and both myself and husband were a little disappointed , we wanted a girl as to have one of each. Due to crippling SPD I doubt I could go through another pregnancy and that said could easily end up with 3 boys

We both felt very guilty and stupid for being disappointed but you can't help the way you feel. You just have to be thankful for healthy kids.

I doubt your alone in your feelings, as other have said focus on what you do have rather than what you don't

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2016 21:58

yabu

as someone who has ttc for 10yrs, have unexplained infertility spent £20k on 3 failed private ivf i would be overjoyed to have any child, pink or blue

if i ever did become a mum i wouldnt care on the sex nor would i yearn for a 2nd child

i would be grateful for what i have, as should you, you have 3 healthy children

sorry if blunt but just had ivf and failed again so still upset, hormonal and bloody skint

saying that if you feel that strongly then go abroad and do gender selection

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/02/2016 21:59

saying all that, just read date and thread this is a year old - do you still feel the same way op? did you try again for a girl?

how do these zomblie threads appear?

LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2016 23:35

In this case it was revived by someone with an agenda, other times I have no idea!

user1496620816 · 05/06/2017 01:22

My SIL just had a girl and it's hit me really hard, I have 2 boys and have always wanted a daughter. She already has a son and now has her 'perfect' family with one of each. It's the first girl on my Dh's side of the family so I know my mil will be cooing all over her new granddaughter and buying her all the gorgeous dresses I've always been desperate to buy for my own daughter that will never be. My mum suffers from Huntingtons and I care for her so always wanted a daughter to have the relationship I never had with her with my own daughter, I wanted to take care of my daughter the way I was never taken care of by my mum, from a young age I had to look after her. Now I see my sil with her amazing mum and lovely sisters and now the daughter that I always craved and just think it's so unfair!! My mum isn't my mum anymore just a shell of the woman she used to be, my brother is useless never helps with mum and now moving away so I'll see even less of him. Just feeling that life is so unfair at the moment everywhere I look I see people with girls, why can't it be me!

tiptopteepe · 05/06/2017 01:51

YANBU but just remind yourself that having a daughter may not have been how you felt it would be anyway. It might not have made you feel how you thought it would. Every child is different regardless of gender. You got the people you did and they happened to be male.
The grass is always greener but just try and take comfort in the people you got and know that really it doesnt matter what gender they are. You may have missed out on buying some super girly stuff but in terms of personality a girl you had may have had a very similar one to your sons! Flowers

WellThatSucks · 05/06/2017 02:16

I'm sorry OP, I sympathise while not exactly empathy sing. You feel how you feel so YANBU, and it's no one's place to tell you you are wrong to feel that way. That said, as the mother of two sons (and later becoming step-mother to two adult stepsons) I honestly can't get my head around your feelings of regret that you don't have a daughter. It really does suggest that you feel there is something lacking - for want of a better word - in the children you have and that's very sad to me. I had my two boys, two dc were enough for me, and didn't give it a second thought.
A few others seemed to have a problem with it mind, so maybe you're getting the same thing, I was often told 'oh you'll be trying for a girl next' when nothing was further from my mind. I hope you can come to terms with it, especially if there's no prospect of the situation changing, because you wouldn't want your boys to ever get the idea that they somehow aren't 'enough'.

WellThatSucks · 05/06/2017 02:16

That's empathising ffs autocorrect.

ragdoll700 · 05/06/2017 09:59

We are trying for our third right now we have 2 daughters and while I'd love a son, I will be just as happy with a third daughter.

The only thing that will annoy me about having a third daughter is other people, I got so much of it when I had my second daughter of oh were you hoping for a boy etc and one person asked if we were disappointed with our daughter and that made me want to punch them in the face.

IVFabroadMum · 19/02/2020 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Poetryinaction · 19/02/2020 08:12

I'm sorry because I have both so cannot understand. But honestly, to me there has been no difference whatsoever parenting boys and girls. My boy is the one most similar to me, and the most sensitive. My first girl is really fiery and physical, and oppositional. My second girl is very gentle.

TheGoogleMum · 19/02/2020 08:29

The logical part of me says children are children, a daughter wouldn't necessarily be any different than a son except for being more wary during nappy changes.... but I do get it I wanted a girl too. It's only once she was here that I've realised it wouldn't make any difference really. I'd buy different clothes sure, I don't dress her girly all the time but do sometimes. That's about it. She is only 1 though!

GinDaddy · 19/02/2020 08:42

@IVFabroadMum

Reported you for searching the forum, finding a thread and then turning it into a zombie by commenting in order to advertise your business.

YABU!!

GinDaddy · 19/02/2020 08:45

I know I can be annoying on this forum don't get me wrong, but I highly encourage others to do the same. It's not fair to prey on the hopes of mothers with such cynical tactics.

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