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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want a daughter

170 replies

Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 21:17

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 16/11/2015 23:15

I have a friend with two sons who would have loved a DD .She has made great efforts to be close to her DsIL and is over the moon that she is about to become a grandmother to a little girl.
I have two beloved DDs. I really wanted a boy but , perhaps because it was difficult to have a second child , I was reconciled to never having a son very quickly. I do hope for SsIL one day though!

Postchildrenpregranny · 16/11/2015 23:17

Interestingly, the friend I mention above lost her mother when she was 14and has no sisters. I've never realised before that this might be part of the equation

sarah00001 · 16/11/2015 23:18

I'm so sorry. I don't know if you are aware of this already, but there is a website where you can ask Professor Robert Winston about fertility problems, which is www.genesisresearchtrust.com/ask-robert-winston

I stumbled upon this the other day. It's free but you are asked to make a donation if you are able to, and he tries to answer all questions within around 6 weeks.

sarah00001 · 16/11/2015 23:21

My last post was intended for CooperG

Postchildrenpregranny · 16/11/2015 23:39

I don't think my MIL actually wanted DCs at all. DH was a mistake (and knew it) and an only child. But she did used to tell friends she was blessed in her DIL (moi) . And , in her way, she enjoyed having two GDS.
The reason I wanted a boy was because I just thought it would be more interesting to raise one of each . But of course all children are different. DH fortunately wanted another girl !
If you have good friends with little girls I am sure you can develop a relationship with them . I am very fond of my godson.

Weathergames · 16/11/2015 23:46

YANBU I had a boy first but had a longing for a daughter who came along 2 yrs later and I was also blessed with another son and now a step son and 2 step daughters.

My relationship with my daughter is great and it's bought everything I dreamed it would but the boys think I love her more - I don't at all. We are all close.

However my very good friend went through 15 yrs of infertility, she lost 4 babies. She eventually had a daughter via a surrogate. Her sister who had easily and naturally had 4 boys said "you are so lucky I am so jealous".

She did not feel lucky during those 15 yrs.

Marloe · 17/11/2015 00:13

I feel for you OP. From my own experience I can say that it does get better. I have 2 boys who are similar in age gap to yours and I know how it feels. In my case as time passed by the feeling has almost disappeared. A tiny part of me still would love to know what a daughter would be like but I know that how I imagine her in my head it would not match how she would be.

Within 18 months of having my second son I would have had a 3rd baby if my husband had wanted to but I know in my heart it wouldn't have been for the right reasons. I think hormones certainly played a part in how I felt. I wouldn't have swapped my boy for a girl but I also knew a third wasn't for us as a family. I'm very glad now that we refrained. Somebody once said to me that girls come to you in different ways when you have boys and it's true. Hopefully I'll be a brilliant MIL one day.

I read at least one post earlier when someone said they were 'lucky' to have a boy and a girl. I feel lucky too.

catdoodles · 17/11/2015 00:26

Just go for it and try for another. Your DS are very young still so will appreciate all the maternal cuddles and warmth you can give. They will become so much closer to you the older they get.

I was very lucky and had 2 DC who were the gender I had always wanted.

catdoodles · 17/11/2015 00:28

Which stopped me from having a third just in case which I now regret

2boysnamedR · 17/11/2015 00:49

I have three boys and now a Dd. There's no gaurantee that a third would be your girl. You have to be 100% happy in that knowledge before trying again.

In my case we always wanted three kids so it wasn't a issue overall. Although with my third I did hope I might get a Dd to experience having both gender kids.

I remember sitting in the fertility clinic at 36 with two healthy kids. After having a history of high risk births crying about a third child which I assumed 95% of the population wouldn't understand. I had too kids, I didn't need a fourth. But I did, I couldn't change my strong wish for a third. I absolutely needed him in my life.

My Dd therefore was maybe not a very levelheaded desision! But the urge for a Dd was strong. I knew when trying for my fourth my chances of a girl was slim. It's got to be a factor.

It was that finality of "never" I struggled with. I presumed the feeling would fade but I'm not sure that I would have ever completely vanished

I understand totally.

cooperG · 18/11/2015 17:40

Thank you sarah, I'm not sure there are any questions I haven't researched the answers to til I'm exhausted/too depressed to carry on, but thanks for passing it on. Flowers

steppedonlego · 18/11/2015 17:46

I don't know if this will help, but my MIL has three boys, and all three daughter in laws are very close to her and see her as a mum. All the things that you might be worried about missing out on, the wedding dress picking, the being there when they're having grandchildren, it was my MIL who was there for me rather than my own mum. You're not necessarily missing out, it might just be slightly delayed.

YANBU btw.

Scholes34 · 18/11/2015 17:57

My DM has the most wonderful DIL - my SIL, of course. She's more the kind of daughter my DM would have chosen for herself than me (not that there are any problems in our relationship as such), but my SIL lives close by, spends lots of time with her, they go shopping together etc. She would never have had this lovely relationship without her DS.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 18/11/2015 18:05

I'm not fussed about gender tbh, couldn't give a toss, but I don't think you are BU to feel the way you do.

helloeveryone · 19/11/2015 10:07

Gender desire is completely normal. People have hopes and dreams. There will always be people who can't have children, or have lost children and therefore they will think wanting a particular gender is selfish, but it's not. Everyone has their own ideas on what they want. I'm am completely understanding of wanting a balanced family and to experience both genders.

HPsauciness · 19/11/2015 10:33

I felt sad that I will never have a son now, I know my husband would have loved a third child, and a son would have been perfect, but it's not to be. I am not sad any more though, because I know I'm done in the child-rearing stakes and that's fine by me. It is normal to have pangs of 'what if?' I think.

JustAWeeProblem · 19/11/2015 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helloeveryone · 25/11/2015 09:20

I'm on a facebook group called 'Gender Disappointment' I personally don't like the title, I think it should be called gender desire myself. But it is a lovely welcoming group, all mixes of family welcome (all girls, all boys, a mix of genders), just anyone who has suffered gd to support each other. The link is:

www.facebook.com/groups/1516963438617699/

You can request to join if you like, and the forum leader Michelle Cooper then adds you.

You are all not alone in your feelings, and sometimes it's nice to find a place where you won't be judged.

helloeveryone · 04/02/2016 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AndNowItsSeven · 04/02/2016 14:42

Reported for blatant advertising.

Rebecca2014 · 04/02/2016 14:47

I have the one child but I'm so glad I had a girl, I didn't want a girl to do girly things with (I am not girly) I wanted that bond that i have with my mother, nan and sisters.

But boys are great too and I'm sure your have granddaughters!!

LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2016 14:47

Take it thats your book then hello Hmm ZOMBIE THREAD!

Seriouslyffs · 04/02/2016 14:55

erm, Lagu!
hello was posting on this thread in November

Buddhabuddha · 04/02/2016 15:22

I agree with PP

Try to let it go .. I held on to this for way too long .

I did too for too many years and it feels liberating to try let it go, sure I still feel pangs of envy and sadness when others announce "it's a girl" but it does pass, life is short, don't waste away the years yearning like I did, focus on what you have and not what you don't have. Accepting it didn't happen for us isn't easy but I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be a mother regardless...

Start making some major plans OP that don't involve conceiving, it does help..

Clawdy · 04/02/2016 16:26

I had three sons,then a daughter who is adored by her parents and brothers. As they are all getting older, I am noticing that my sons are more tolerant and patient of me, and my darling daughter is far more judgmental and tetchy! She will be saying " Mum,what were you thinking? " in an exasperated voice, while her brothers are saying "Aw mum,are you alright? " I think we can all have too rosy a view of the mother-daughter relationship.

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