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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want a daughter

170 replies

Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 21:17

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

OP posts:

Ghirly · 27/02/2015 23:54

*19 YEAR old boy

anothereve · 27/02/2015 23:56

Dear ssd, the others are right. You can't help wanting what you want but you may not have had the sort of girl you imagined. I was an only child and am sure my Mother wanted a boy. I adored her but she was emotionally unavailable which has certainly had an effect on my relationships. You sound like a sensitive and lovely person. Why not buy pretty things for yourself? Imprint your boys with an image of the sort of girls they might one day bring home.

CointreauVersial · 28/02/2015 00:08

YANBU. I totally get what you are saying. But you must try to focus on what is unique and wonderful about the family set-up you have already, male-centred though it may be. Life rarely deals the cards we might like, but you have to realise that you are blessed.

One of my oldest friends is one of three brothers. I used to joke with his DM about how she coped as the only female in the house. But she was worshipped and adored by her sons, surrounded by their banter, good humour and hugs, and wouldn't have had it any other way.

MagicMojito · 28/02/2015 00:18

ARoomARoomWithoutAVeiw Without trying to sound sanctimonious, I would only try if we wanted another CHILD(which we don't). I just can't get on board with trying for a specific gender, knowing that you'd be dissapointed if it didn't go the "right" way. It just doesn't sit right with me personally.

Then there are the other more practical issues such as not being able to afford a third, terrible pregnancies, very questionable mental health etc

Missdread · 28/02/2015 00:57

Oh OP I really feel for you but honestly, children are children and people are people and just because you have girls does not necessarily mean they will be there for you later on. For what it's worth, I have two girls and a boy and the cuddliest, most loving and least complicated is without doubt my gorgeous son. Love your lovely boys; a son's love is like nothing else in the world! xx

TeaNCakes · 28/02/2015 04:37

YANBU

I'm glad I read this tonight. I have a beautiful baby boy who I absolutely adore, but realised yesterday that I would be disappointed not to have a girl. We will try for another child and whatever will be will be.

I am very close to my mum, becoming even closer over the last year through my pregnancy and adjusting to being a mummy. My MIL has three sons. We get on well but I've struggled with some unsolicited parenting advice since DS was born. This thread has reminded me to be kinder to her - she's only trying to help - starting when she visits this weekend

Hope you can find some peace OP

sleepywombat · 28/02/2015 06:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skitter · 28/02/2015 07:22

Yanbu. I understand how you feel. My gorgeous ds2, who is 5 weeks old, is currently asleep in my arms. He's our last baby and while I adore him I'm sad I'll never experience being a mum of a girl and later an adult woman. For me it's mainly about when they grow up, as I'm very close to my mum and she was there when ds1 was born and is currently playing with him in our backyard. My dh is close to his mum but it's a different kind of relationship and while I love her it's not the same as the relationship I have with my own mother. I just can't envisage having a relationship with a future dil like the one my mum and I have. But I know there's no guarantee I'd I'd have that relationship with a dd of my own, though. And plenty of men are very close to their families. I know this, but it doesn't take away the wish that I could have a dd (without giving up my boys and without having to have three children! Impossible!)

My older ds was desperate for a brother and I think I'd be sad not to have given him his wish if I'd had a dd this time. He's so thrilled to have a little brother and said he absolutely did not want a sister (he's 4.5 so I'm sure he'd have got used to it!). I'm looking forward to seeing the difference between the boys as they grow up and think I'd have always wondered what another ds would have been like if I'd had a dd.

I agree that focussing on what we have may help, while acknowledging our sadness. I doubt it'll ever totally go for me, but I love my boys so I'm trying to focus on that.

CPtart · 28/02/2015 07:36

I have two DS and also wanted a daughter. I'm not at all girly nor particularly close to my mum, so I don't know where the feeling comes from.
I have sons, nephews, a brother and a godson. No girls in our family.
What time has taught me is that I love my boys so much, I couldn't have loved a girl any more. And for my boys, having a sibling of the same gender has been absolutely the best thing for them. Their closeness and shared interests is far more rewarding than choosing pretty clothes would ever have been.

MintChocAddict · 28/02/2015 08:16

Hi OP,
I feel for you I really do as you can't help how you feel so . These threads often receive quite harsh responses so glad people have been kind.
I have two fabulous DSs who I adore although must admit I have fleetingly wondered what my daughter would have been like, looked like etc. I've made peace with these feelings for a number of reasons and rarely if ever give it much thought.
I have a couple of close single friends who are now in their forties and unlikely ever to have children. There's a definite sadness about them as both admit that they presumed having children would be a given. When I pick up on these feelings I feel so grateful for my children and the chance to be their Mum. How lucky are we?
Another reason is that although I'm very close to my Mum, my MIL plays a huge part in the life of my children too and they absolutely adore her (and my mum). It doesn't always follow that MILs are sidelined. In fact MIL and SIL have an utterly toxic relationship and DH is far closer to his Mum than her daughter will ever be. (but that's a whole other thread)
The third reason to live for the moment and embrace those boys is because no-one knows what the future holds. I lost a parent in early adulthood and nearly lost the other one. I've learned not to think about what my adult relationship might be like with my children and their future partners because I'll just be delighted to be healthy and around for them at that stage. So I'm living for the moment, getting involved in what they do (am a Star Wars and Lego expert amd am not bad at wrestling either, however No.1 son loves a bit of shopping (for the time being) so best of both worlds at the moment!
So give those boys a massive hug, feel sad when you need to but try to live for the here and now if you can.

alpharinth · 28/02/2015 09:11

You are not unreasonable to think such things. However, I'm sure you are aware of all the thousands of us people who have gone through the longing for any child with no success - and I hope you use that knowledge to put your thoughts into perspective.

TheGonnagle · 28/02/2015 09:15

We're all the same. I longed for a dd and I have one.But then we were told we couldn't have any more. I would give a limb for another child of either gender. We all want what we don't have.

silveroldie2 · 28/02/2015 09:26

A couple I knew always wanted a daughter. After having nine boys they decided to try one more time and their tenth child was a girl.

I hope you don't have to try ten times

SpecificOcean · 28/02/2015 09:32

Yanbu.
I always wanted a DD.
But as time went on and it looked at one point like having any child would never happen, my preference didn't seem to matter anymore.

Which meant I was delighted to meet my DS, who is 2 years older than his D sister. So I'm actually glad things turned out that way.

I know 2 people with sons who carried on trying for DD's but had more lovely DS's which obviously they love to bits.

I always tell them that they'll end up with 6 granddaughters each. That might happen to you OP

LaChatte · 28/02/2015 09:34

YANBU op, I know exactly how you feel, as I felt the same when I had my first DS, I really wanted a DD and had to hide my disappointment. I obviously love him more than words, but for seven years I coulnt help but wish I had a DD. DH and I then had DD (I can't even begin to describe how happy I was), but now, five years on (obviously love her more than words too!), but I am much closer to DS than DD, as she's so close to DH.

I also think about the teenage years and worry about hormonal mood swings that we are going to have to deal with with DD, she already has a really "strong personality". DS is now 12 and is still as lovely as ever and I'm convinced he's going to be a lovely teenager!!

Indcidentally, DD has short hair, wears scruffy jeans and jumpers and loves furling around in the mud looking for bugs with DS. DS has waist length blond hair and is very sensitive, almost more feminin than his sister.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/02/2015 10:21

I can see why you feel sad about not having a dd, but you might not have had as good a relationship as you think.
My relationship with my mother is pretty bad. I think she was expecting a mini -me, and whenever I displayed characteristics she couldn't understand, she was pretty horrible.
I was relieved not to have a daughter to be honest.
Anyway, where is it written that you can't have shopping trips or go to the theatre with sons?
Or that your son won't become a ballet dancer like Ledkr's!

TweeStuff · 28/02/2015 10:28

YANBU - I had two boys before my two girls. I was not dissapointed In having the boys but I knew I wanted a girl too. I never, for a moment, thought I would love my girls more than my boys and I dont. I'm also not 'closer' to my girls than my boys although, I think I have more in common with them. It's hard to explain but I am glad I have girls as well as boys.

I get on brilliantly with my own mum and I sometimes wonder if my desire to have a girl was because I wanted to replicate that relationship.

I don't think its that logical really.

aprilanne · 28/02/2015 11:31

i have 3 sons .and i was not in the least dissapointed .but then i am not really that femine .but my hubby was really and i mean really miffed not to have a girl .but he just had to get over it .if you have another boy you would probably feel worse as my hubby did

Original poster

Failedspinster · 14/03/2015 17:09

Ouch. Since I started this thread Ive been really focusing on helping myself get over this - on actively trying to encourage myself to feel better and live in the moment with my boys. Just discovered my best mate is having a girl, and am having a quiet cry. I thought I was doing so well with this, and now I see its just as raw as it ever was.

OP posts:

JustDerppingAround · 14/03/2015 19:57

I'm sure time will help. Your two youngest DC are Still very young. I think you will get used to it to some extent - maybe you will always feel a little bit sad at times but hopefully it will be ok.

Original poster

Failedspinster · 14/03/2015 20:35

I hope so. Thank you

OP posts:

woodhill · 14/03/2015 20:59

yes I understand, I was surprised to have 2 dds given that my dhs family all seemed to be male (obviously female mums) but no girl dcs in 2 generations. also have ds so very blessedly to.

always wanted girls over boys but ds is absolutely wonderful & I feel guilty for previously feeling that way.

SASASI · 14/03/2015 21:22

YANBU

I really thought I was having a girl. Out came DS. Having had fertility issues we are ridiculously fortunate to even be parents so a healthy baby was just so wonderfully amazing - but we still hope for a second DC.

If we do & they are a boy he will be so very treasured & loved - but i would feel upset at never experiencing a DD as 2 is our limit.

I have learned so much of what NOT to do as a MIL so all I can do us treat any DIL with kindness & respect & hopefully forge great relationships there

Huge hugs OP.

LoadsaBlusher · 14/03/2015 21:38

YANBU
I feel exactly the same. So hard to express this in RL

thewavesofthesea · 14/03/2015 22:02

ssd, do you know, I think I would be the same!!

I have two sons and have longed for a girl in the past. The main reason being was because I craved a good mother-daughter relationship (I have a superficial friendship with my mother but that is about it; I detached myself years ago as her selfishness made it hurt too much for me to be close to her)

However, as they have got older and I have become happier in myself, I have found that I want a girl less and less. My relationship with my boys is wonderful and I am not sure that I would be able to handle a daughter relationship as I have never had an example of how they should work. I generally feel more at ease with men. i realised that the happier I was the less I wanted a third baby or a girl.

So perhaps try and park the feelings somewhere else for a bit and concentrate on making yourself happier in other areas. Me, I have been working out which bit of my career to develop, spending time with friends and developing some hobbies. You might find that what you really want and need becomes easier to see once you start to care for yourself more.

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