...to want a daughter

[Failedspinster]

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

I do sympathise op but I can't claim to understand. For 7 and 9 years I was a mum to boys until I had a daughter, you know what......she's no different, maybe that's the influence of her brothers, I don't know . I really really didn't care if no.3 was a boy or girl. Yes to the PP who said that she thinks women are wonderful and wants to raise one.....well that same can be said of boys, I love the fact that I'm raising future men. Jesus, the only way to find the perfect man is to give birth to him

I knew a couple who were desperate for a girl - six boys later they decided to try one last time and got a girl.

Oh and I would have given anything for either a boy or girl but couldn't have any so can I just say perhaps be thankful for what you have?

Another supporter here. I grew up with a horrid older brother and longed and longed for a sister to share a girl-girl bond with. Didn't happen so when I was a teenager I started to long for a daughter when I dreamed of having a child. Twenty years later I got pregnant and kept my secret preference from everyone as I was too scared I'd look ungrateful if it was a boy.
The day of the scan I could feel my heart thumping in my neck as I prayed for a girl...and she was. I was over the moon and I'm now always astounded at actually how vocal a lot of my mum friends are at their relief that they had a girl or that they are envious that I have a girl. Gender preference is so much more common than people think and so you are most definitely not alone, and I do understand that yearning.
I also know this is an old post but these are always interesting to me to hear everyone's honest replies! (So that's mine)

YANBU.

I had similar feelings about gender (in my case, I had daughters and ached for a son). I think it's good to acknowledge it.

I know that it's something I've never admitted in real life. I only told my dh, after we had DS.

I am sad I will never have a girl. I have three boys. It's just another thing in life that reminds you that you can't have it all.

I don't assume it means anything about the future, who knows what will be.. but it does mean that at 37 I know none of my children will ever be pregnant. I will never know what it's like to share pregnancy stories with one of my children: they will never ask me about my labours and births hoping to know about their own experience from hearing about the past.

I might die long before my children are adult, I could have had three girls and they might never have chosen to be pregnant, I could have had daughters who didn't want to talk to me about any of these things even if they were pregnant and did choose to breastfeed.. but I would not know these outcomes with any certainty while they were small children, as I do now.

I will never talk them through their first period. I will not be Mother of the Bride. They probably won't have as many sleepovers. I probably won't do their nails or their hair.

It's a reminder of how fast it will all pass and how little control you have over the future, and how it's all just imagined anyway.

I have a dd have never even thought about any of that stuff.

Yanbu.

Yanbu. I have 2 ds and am pregnant with dc3. This is the first time I'm admitting to myself that I deeply want this to be a dd. I wouldn't change my ds' for the world but the thought of not having a dd saddens me. I would never admit this to anyone in real life though.

YANBU at all.

I hear you too .
I am mum to two wonderful (grown up) sons .
I always wanted a daughter, I felt it as a loss or bereavement that this was not to be . But now I realise that the daughter I wanted was not a real child . I wanted an idealised version of a girl , who would have been the me I wanted to be if I could have had my life over .
I have wonderful DILs ( and who know I may have a granddaughter in the future ) .
Try to let it go .. I held on to this for way too long .

I have one DS, and always wanted another child. When I close my eyes, I can see the daughter I never had. It used to hurt such a lot, but now it's just an occasional pang. My exSIL got four sons in her attempts to have a daughter, so unless you'd be thrilled with another boy or two, just focus on what you have, knowing you won't feel this way for ever

YANBU. I feel for you.
But as people have said, being a MIL is good too! I love my MIL to pieces and we probably get on better than she does with DH.
I agree with whoever said that the best way of getting through is to focus on the good things that you do have. I have 1 DD, had a MC before her and 2 since, it is hard to think about what I 'should' have but I am so so grateful to have my beautiful healthy child. I try and think about the many many blessings I have and let go of the sadness.
I think you were brave to post this, and I think if people talked about gender disappointment it would prove pretty common.

YANBU - in fact your honesty is refreshing. I also craved a girl and had convinced myself I was having a boy to help me to get my head around it if the baby wasn't (of course i would have loved that baby regardless).

Also I think joyfuldeathsquad is right - you will bond with your son's family by being a doting grandmother and be very much involved in their lives - especially so judging by the love you show for them in your opening comment.

I have 3 boys, and I can't stand it when people "sympathise" and ask if I am "disappointed". I just feel like telling them to fuck off because, why would I be disappointed?
Sure, it would be lovely to have a girl and I am not going to deny that I get those pangs sometimes where I wish I could have a girl as well as my boys. Not instead of. But I won't be having baby number 4, no way!

The joy I get from my amazing, funny, beautiful little boys completely outweighs the "pangs" (that are very minimal) I get for wanting a girl. :)

YANBU. You feel what you feel.

My MIL had 2 boys, and for whatever reason, her 2 sons have always stayed close to their parents. My DH has always made the effort to see his parents a couple of times a week (we live locally), before he was with me he used to go into town shopping with his mum, they would have lunch together etc.

Their other son moved away but rings his parents a couple of times a week. We all get on well and I've been for spa days etc with MIL. So hopefully youll be able to foster a close relationship even as your sons grow up and also with DIL when they come along.

YANBU. I have 3 boys and a girl ( dd is the youngest). I did not find out the sex of my daughter when I was pregnant. I think if I had had a fourth son I would have been a teeny bit sad not because I had four boys ( My ds's are all lovely ) but because I knew it would be my last child and that I would never have a daughter. I think most women want a daughter, well most of the ones I know that have spoken about preference do.

I have 2DS and 2dSSs and I'm pregnant with our 5th (my 3rd). I'm longing for a girl but have a feeling we'll go with the odds and have another little boy. I adore our boys but it would be lovely to have a daughter too. DH feels the same.

On a more positive note- if your DS are all straight, and get married, you will get 3 DIL: my SIL is like a daughter to my mother which is just as well as I have been tried and found wanting in that respect!

I am pregnant with my second DC and I would love a girl - just not to be outnumbered! But DH's family are predisposed towards boys, so I am not getting my hopes up. Fortunately, my best friend is due to give birth to a girl so I still get to do the whole frivolous cute outfit/fairy wings thing. YANBU.

Bless you. There is nothing wrong in wanting a daughter. I wanted to have at least 2 children, but it most likely isn't going to happen now as I have split up from my partner, cannot conceive without IVF due to damaged fallopian tubes and will be 40 next year. I have a daughter, but she will be an only child. I struggled with infertility for several years and all I could think about was my longing to have a child - whether that be a boy or a girl. When I eventually became pregnant with IVF I was convinced I was having a boy (there was no basis for this, just gut instinct) and was so happy and excited at the prospect of having a little boy. It turned out I was having a girl and it took a bit of getting used to, but I was thrilled that I would have a girl and I love my daughter to bits. I would however have been just as thrilled if I had had a boy. I'm finding it hard to articulate what I'm trying to say, but for me, having lived for 8 years thinking I may never have a child, it didn't matter to me one bit if I had a boy or a girl, just having a child would be the answer to my prayers and my dreams coming true. Boys can have extremely close and loving relationships with their mothers. An ex boyfriend of mine had a beautiful relationship with his mum and remained extremely close to her throughout his adulthood. You could of course try for another baby which may well be a girl, but could equally be another boy, but in the meantime, without sounding patronising, please try to be happy with the children you already have. Going through IVF, I have been on internet forums where I have read some heartbreaking stories from those who are DESPERATE for a baby, boy or girl but it just won't happen for them for various reasons. They would be overjoyed to have a boy. Please try to concentrate on the wonderful children you have and know how lucky you are to have them.

Yabu- I'd like a child of either gender after ttc for nearly 3 years aged 31. Appreciate what you have.

OP - No advice, but total sympathy. One of my closest friends will grieve forever because she doesn't have a daughter. She loves her two sons very much, but she feels as if something is missing from her life. The reasons for this are complicated (she has a single mother, an only sister to whom she's very close, and wishes she could continue the line of female relationships within her family). You are not alone.

cooperG I am so very sorry to read you have been ttc for nearly 3 years. If you feel comfortable in answering, can I ask why you have been unable to conceive so far?

Unexplained sarah, so no chance of closure any time soon either unfortunately

YANBU. I was once in Waitrose when a lovely lady came up to me and my DD and told me that she had two boys and always wanted a DD. She told me that I'm very lucky and to make the most of my DC. I don't think you're alone in feeling the way you do and it is fine to feel that way.

I love having DD but haven't been able to have more, so I'd be happy with more of any gender at this point. So I feel sad when friends have 2nd or 3rd children and wish it was me, that doesn't detract from how happy I am with DD though, so I absolutely understand where you're coming from.