Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want a daughter

170 replies

Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 21:17

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

OP posts:
fabuleux · 27/02/2015 21:54

Yanbu. I have a ds and am late 20s and hope to have more dc, but already preparing myself for never having a daughter. I have no sisters nor female cousins around, when I lose my mum I will be the only female around!

Nolim · 27/02/2015 21:58

Yanbu.

But focus on the positive: you have a lovely family, dont you? Flowers

kipsonline · 27/02/2015 22:04

YANBU. At all. I have 3 DS who I love beyond all measure and reason but I do also share your pang of sadness that I (probably) won't have the shopping/ theatre/ ballet trips I currently enjoy on treat days with my mum (whom I'm very close to). My boys are 7,4,1 and the eldest is heavily into football and other sports. I wouldn't ordinarily choose to spend my weekends on a wet muddy touch line but I'm making sure I go along and join in (and watch match of the day to be able to talk knowledgeably about the players!) - anything to avoid being sidelined in the way you mention. i do also agree that you can't control the future in that lots of daughters do not have close relationships with their mothers and lots of daughters in law do with their MIL, so who knows what our individual relationships will be in 20+ years...

Biscuitsneeded · 27/02/2015 22:19

I am also sad not to have a daughter, but it's got nothing to do with wanting shopping trips or buying pretty baby clothes or thinking that my sons will waltz off into the sunset without a backward glance and leave me all alone. It's just the fact that I happen to think women are rather fabulous people. I'm sad I didn't/won't get the chance to make/mold one. Would have been very curious to see what my daughter would have been like.

engeika · 27/02/2015 22:26

YANBU. I understand although I am lucky to have a daughter. PP have given good advice.

My aunt longed for girls, had two boys. Made good relationships with their wives. She had four beautiful grand daughters and as both she, and her sons had married young, she played a huge role in her grand daughters' lives while still in her late forties.

Sorry you are sad though

Babyroobs · 27/02/2015 22:38

YANBU. I had 3 boys and then a girl. My dd was unplanned . I feel very lucky to have her and to have both sons and a daughter. I never felt upset about having boys, they are fab, it was just the thought of not having a daughter that was distressing.

mytartanscarf · 27/02/2015 22:42

Yanbu Flowers

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/02/2015 22:48

I have two daughters and don't plan to have any more children. I'm a little bit sad not to have a son but not enough to have a third child for a number of reasons.
I buy cute outfits for my nephews and listen to my sister complain about the mayhem and mess of boys and thank my lucky stars. I hope I have a good relationship with mine as they get older.
I'd like to get into a financial position as I get older to be able to foster or adopt and I mentor a primary age child for reading which is v rewarding. Perhaps that could be an option for you too?

TallboyMcChesty · 27/02/2015 22:48

YANBU and it's good to see that you are not being ripped to shreds for saying how you feel. I think there's a bit more understanding about gender disappointment than there used to be. And that's a good thing.

CosmicForce · 27/02/2015 22:55

Yanbu
But the future will bring daughters into your life in a different way. My DD adores her boyfriend's mum...and her boyfriend's mum adores her. Her boyfriend's mum had 3 sons and as far as my daughter says, would have loved a daughter. She treats my daughter so beautifully that my daughter adores her.
There will no doubt be granddaughters if you can look that far ahead...and their parents who will no doubt appreciate a break. Life doesn't stop at our generation. There is so much to look forward to if you can see it.

revealall · 27/02/2015 23:00

Weird isn't it.

I never wanted a girl only thought "boy" so delighted to have a boy. I hate all those threads that dismiss people wanting one sex or another. I think you want what you want.

thatsucks · 27/02/2015 23:05

I agree with others you feel how you feel and I hope you find peace with this (you will) x

bluebeanie · 27/02/2015 23:11

I have one dd. I don't honestly mind the sex of my next dc, but I'd be a little sad if it wasn't another girl. Equally I'd mourn never having a son. YANBU. I hope my post makes sense. Either way, there'd be an untold story of our family. Cheesy much?!

Mumoftwinsandanother · 27/02/2015 23:12

I was wondering if you were a friend of mine in RL. She feels like this. If you are sorry and YANBU. It will get easier. If you are not I know someone ( in fact a few someone's) that feel the same way. YANBU and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out.

ssd · 27/02/2015 23:21

its not that it hasnt worked out, its just you know you'll miss a relationship that has the potential to be really special

Original poster
Failedspinster · 27/02/2015 23:22

Thank you everyone for reading and replying - it makes me feel a bit less alone and hopeless about it all. Three friends in the past week have had their 20 week scans - one is having a girl (she has an older boy), one is having male-female twins (first pregnancy) and one is having a boy but already has two older daughters. And I just felt like, is everyone able to have boys and girls but me?! Ridiculous I know, but it felt like that!

When I was pregnant with ds2 DP thought we were having a girl, everyone kept saying "ooh, I bet you're hoping for a girl aren't you", and I just didn't dare say yes because I wanted it too much, it was too raw...but I used to shut my eyes every night and wish that the baby would be a girl. And then I knew as soon as I saw the scan picture that he was a boy, but I couldn't be upset about that because it would be like being upset that the sky wasn't green. He was a boy and that was that, and I love him just as he is.

I'm going to work on my relationships with my boys to try and avoid feeling so sidelined, and hopefully I'll start feeling better about this soon (it's not always this bad).

OP posts:
kilmuir · 27/02/2015 23:28

i feel for you. I had 3 daughters and then a son. did feel quite pleased to be having a boy . No guarantee of the relationship you would have with a daughter. My 3 are all different

wartsnall · 27/02/2015 23:29

One day you may have a granddaughter who you can enjoy but hand back when you,re tired Wink

kilmuir · 27/02/2015 23:32

I think in life we often mourn for what we don't have rather than celebrate what we do have. go and give those lovely boys a cuddle. try not to be hard on yourselves

ARoomWithoutAView · 27/02/2015 23:41

I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might

I always go with my feelings, not my head. Something suggested to me, when I read your post, that DSS might be closer to you on this than you might think. IDK, just a feeling popped in.

MagicMojito · 27/02/2015 23:42

Yanbu, I have two amazing dd's. I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so so grateful that I have them but I feel immensely sad that I'll never have a boy. I'm only in my mid 20's but we are done (children wise) and it genuinely hurts my heart that there will always be a piece of my "family puzzle" missing.

Ledkr · 27/02/2015 23:45

Perspective here.
I had three boys and had those feelings. Regret, sadness, fear,jealousy of others etc.
So I ended up having my girl and was delighted.
However, she's 13 now and I'd definitively say I had a closer and funnier relationship with my boys, one of whom is a ballet dancer so no stereotypes here.

The things is, they are all my kids and the gender is about nothing more than a frilly dress or pink hair clip.

Two of my boys are with partners who I adore and are definitely like daughters to me.

I waited 12 yrs to try for my 4th so that I'd be so chuffed with the baby that the gender wouldn't bother me. I think thats a good idea.

ARoomWithoutAView · 27/02/2015 23:47

Straight and sweet post MagicMojito
But at mid-20's your life should be beginning.
So, why do you say that some things you want are over?
Just curious.

stoopstoconker · 27/02/2015 23:51

yanbu

However, I was the much longed for girl born after 2 boys and it was made very clear to me that I was not the daughter I should have been.
Now I have 2 boys and sometimes I think a girl and I would understand each other more, then I remember my mum, and I treasure what I have.

Ghirly · 27/02/2015 23:54

Yanbu op.
I have two boys and two girls and I must admit my relationships with my sons is closer than those with my daughters.
Boys definitely seem closer to their mums as they get older. I still get lots of hugs from my strapping 19 tear old boy! It's lovely.

I hope you manage to work through your feelings.