...to want a daughter

[Failedspinster]

I know aIBU but need help/advice. DP and I have three boys - our own two who are almost 3 and less than one, and DSS who is 10. All the boys are lovely and very much loved. I would never wish any of them to be different in any respect to how they are.

I just wish I had a daughter as well. During both my pregnancies I hoped to hear that the baby was a girl. I look at other people's daughters (not just babies) and feel desperately sad that I'll never have one. When my friends announce that they're expecting girls I often end up having a little cry to myself. I struggle very much with this, because of my own feelings and because I feel disloyal to my sons, whom I love so much. This feeling of disloyalty is so strong that I feel I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. I can't bear the thought that they might think I don't love my sons. I was hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't.

I don't even know why I want a daughter so much. I'm not a girly girl and I wouldn't particularly want a girly girl. My sons are all daddy's boys and I often feel a bit left out; I'm also anxious that as they grow older, they might not be close to me. I'm close to my mum and part of a large, female-oriented extended family. I guess a daughter would fit into that perhaps better than my sons might :(

The obvious answer is to have a third child, but for various reasons this could be problematic. We have little space in our house and no prospect of moving soon; financially it would be a big stretch; we have little help nearby and have found it hard to manage two small children let alone adding a third to the mix; we are in our thirties and don't want to be having babies forever. And of course, I might have another boy.

Please talk to me about this and help me understand how I can get over it. I can't be the only one who's going through this, surely?

Also - wimpishly - please don't be too hard on me. You can't possibly be as hard on me as I am on myself about this.

I've boys and all the children on that 'rung' of our family are boys.

I know what you mean op.

I'm close to my DM but my boys are really close to dmil too. And dmil and dsil have an extremely (mutually admitted) toxic relationship.

YANBU at all, I remember one of my mums friend had to have a lot of counselling after her the birth of her 3rd boy. She said it felt like a bereavement for the girl she would never had

I never really was conscious of a desire to have a dd and when I was pregnant thought I was having a boy, dd was a complete surprise! However looking back I think I convinced myself I was having a boy as I didn't want to risk feeling disappointed if it wasn't a girl iyswim.

I feel incredibly lucky to have dd.

op

DH is much closer to his mum than I am to mine and I prefer spending time with MIL than my own mum. So don't worry about that aspect, just be a lovely MIL and you'll be fine.

You're allowed to feel what you feel. If you need to get help coming to terms, get that help. I have two DDs, never wanted a third, couldn't have given a shiny shit what I had either time as long as baby was healthy, but the heart speaks as it will.

Not unreasonable at all. I'd love a third baby, and I'd love a girl. But DH says absolutely no to trying for a third, so I have to accept how he feels. I feel quite sad that I won't have a daughter not because I want a mini me or anything pretentious like that, it's more that as an adult I have a lovely relationship with my Mum, and I'd like to have had that with a daughter. I was vile as a teen and how she didn't bury me under the patio is beyond me. But once we got through that stage we became something better than Mother and Daughter, we became friends. It's sad that I won't have that.

But, being a Mum to boys is brilliant and I wouldn't change either of them for the world. They're perfect just as they are.

I completely understand in that I had 4 boys and then my DD. We had said the limit would be 6 children so I guess we were just lucky.

I adore my boys and I'm probably a better parent of boys as I'm more experienced. With DD I will be doing lots of things for the first time and probably get more of them wrong than I do with all but my eldest boy.

I have 5 sisters and I just needed a daughter to feel like my family was complete.

I think if is possible, try again. On the other hand my first granddaughter was born this year and that has been lovely.

Yanbu as you can't help how you feel.

Although having another DC is not necessarily the best move here. Especially logistically given your circumstances.

I recall that documentary about the family that just kept having more DC to try for a girl. It was awful.

Yanbu to have those feelings. Especially as you acknowledge them but are not letting them stand in the way of your relationship with your sons.

I am incredibly lucky that we have 2 of each so I have never known the 'what if we had...'

But my sister has 3 girls. They tried again after 2 for a boy... She has finally come to terms and now has a lovely step son too.

My mil had 2 boys. She loves them with all her heart but sadly had several miscarriages and a very late miscarriage (we'd call it a very prem baby these days) who was a girl in between them. Now she has 2 DIL and 3 granddaughters as well as 2 grandsons.

She treats both bil wife and I as daughters. It's lovely. And she adores all her grandkids equally, but I know in the early days, (she's my ironing fairy) she utterly loved ironing those pretty pink girly clothes.

Mil says life has given her what she wanted in a roundabout way. And she wouldn't change it now. Her boys both think the world of her. Both being fiercely protective of their parents. So I'd say take heart and raise your boys to be kind and considerate men. And you may just find your daughter comes to you in ways you least expect.

really nice post minisok

Op after 2 boys i made a study of how to conceive a female child. Special diets, time of the month, i tried everything that was at the time, documented.
I conceived and gave birth to twin boys!!!!

My boys are all grown now, but I have wonderful DIL's that I am close to, no gc's yet but time is a great healer and i don't care what sex any gc's are.

I know how you feel OP, but it will get better.

Yanbu. I have 2 boys and I love them very much but I'm also sad I will more than likely never have a daughter. I'm 34 live in a tiny house and cant afford to move. I always feel a little bit jealous when people have a baby girl.

I understand completely. I have a beautiful DS who is my world but I would love a daughter. I think a large part of it is fear of the future. Namely that I won't be allowed to be part of my DS life if he marries. MiL seem so disposable-especially the DH.

I know that's illogical but I desperately feel this way. I don't have advice just support.

I know this is an old thread, but I had a friend who had 9 sisters. Her parents kept going until they had a boy. Can you imagine how those ten girls felt?

Oh god I can relate to this.

I had my first ds and was a single mum for years. Longed for a girl then but obviously loved my son. Then my second pg was twins. Both boys. I can admit that at the scan I felt gutted. Then managed to get over those feelings. Obviously adored my babies. However both pgs were unplanned.... (Eight year gap) with two men who were horrid bastards and furious about it.

When my twins were four I had to have a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer. I was devastated. I always felt certain I'd meet my Prince Charming and we'd have a much wanted, planned family (and I'd be happy having ten babies!)

I lost my womb, but luckily recovered from the cancer. Then a few years later I met my Prince Charming and grieved all over again that we couldn't have any more babies.

However, I'm 38 now, and the eldest son has left home, the youngest two are ten, and I've finally accepted I'll never have a daughter. It does get easier, but like you, I'd often have a littl cry if a friend (and there seemed to be lots) was having a girl.

I've consoled myself with the hope that there may be granddaughters in years to come, and have made a promise I'll be the best Mil I can. That way I'll get all the best bits, without having to do the super graft!

Hope you can find some comfort in what I've said, and best wishes.

I've just had my third and last baby
... A third girl, I would love a son but some things just aren't meant to be. Yanbu I know that pang of disappointment well

YANBU.
i know someone who has 3 boys. she'd have loved a girl.
i know another who has 2 girls. the father would have loved a boy.
2 others have 3 girls each. both the fathers would have loved a son each.
its hard.

My relationship with my son is way better than the one with my daughter. I've tried and tried, but either I don't get it right or there is something else.

We had DS1and DS2. DS2 Was only 11 months when I fell pregnant !!!!
Throughout my pregnancy people asked if I was desperate for DD!!!
The answer was always no!
DS2 Has Cerebal palsy and a genetic mutation, we spent most of his first 18 months in and out of hospital.
We didn't want anything other than a perfectly healthy baby !!!
I've missed out on so much because of DS2 disabilities. He will never leave home or marry or have children of his own!
We had a beautiful DD when DS2 was 20 months (still not walking or talking or eating)
She is wonderful and lights up my life ... But either way .... Healthy kids are the best ... For you and them ...
I don't think you ABU but be grateful for your wonderful healthy boys .... Also girls moan more, expect more and DONT SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!

I think it's perfectly normal to have some preference. I think most people do for various reasons. It doesn't mean you love what you have less.

I wasn't bothered for dd1, desperately wanted a girl for dd2, wasn't bothered for ds. Don't really know why I felt differently for dc2, but I did, and was surprised at the strength of my feelings that way.

But now I know I'm not (planning on) having any more children, I know that if I hadn't had one of each (whichever way round) I would feel a touch of sadness that we hadn't.

Aww OP . I remember hearing my cousin was having a girl and being really upset. I had two boys at that point and was desparate to have a girl. I'm so glad everyone has been supportive. Gender dissapointment is awful and a real thing. I think people who don't understand it can be very scornful about it and that just makes you feel worse.
I totally used to think why is it so easy for others to have a girl but not me? Which obviously is ridiculous. Totally understand and sending you big hugs.
Be kind to yourself and maybe think about talking to a counsellor if you don't feel you can share it with friends. I talked to my mum and one of my friends and they were both brilliant about it. (if it helps I have a daughter now and shes easily the hardest work and i'm no closer to her than my boys and don't see that changing in the future really..)xx

I wanted boys and was over the moon when I found out DC1 was a boy. Wanted another one but fund out with DC2 she was a girl. I admit to having the whole gender disappointment thing gong on as I really wanted my 2 boys. Could never imagine I ever felt like that now as she is amazing - Love her to bits - just like my son.

It's certainly not unreasonable to want something.

If this were me and I felt that strongly about it I would be considering gender selection abroad. I know that potentially opens up not just one but cans of worms, but if the procedure is there...........you only get one life.

I hear you loud and clear OP, I've got a 5yo ds who is my whole world, I literally adore him. His father and I split 2 years ago after being unhappy for a very long time, I am now with dp who I adore and will marry next year, but he has 3 kids of his own, 2 ds's and a dd, so he was adamant he didn't want any more, I respected his wishes and he got a vasectomy.

As I said I do love ds very much and like you I feel guilty about my feelings but I wish I had a daughter too, I see my mum and my nan and how close they are, and of course me and my own mum. I love dp's dd and soon she will be my dsd but its not the same as having your own. She already has a mum.

:)