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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old invited to party. wibu to take 7 year old.

159 replies

ghostspirit · 27/02/2015 20:27

my 4 year old has been invited to a party. its at a church hall. but there's not a contact number on the invite. i have no one to look after my 7 year old. wibu to take hime with me? i dont have anyone to look after him.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 28/02/2015 02:57

SpringTimeIsComing The op isn't expecting her older child to be fed, so it isn't an issue.

I'd much rather have the odd sibling than children not being able to come because of some 'rule' that it is rude to bring your children's sibling along!

HicDraconis · 28/02/2015 03:41

If I were the party host I'd be very happy for siblings to turn up and join in - would rather have that than have invited guests feel they couldn't come. Especially if there's no RSVP on the invite so you can't call and ask. Also implies host mum is not fussed about numbers or space.

However in this case although he's turning up, he won't join in or eat anything - he may as well not be there, he'll just be sitting in a chair - so I really can't see anyone having an issue with this at all.

however · 28/02/2015 05:57

I wouldn't like to see another child sitting by himself for 3 hours. I'd consider it a bit rude not to at least involve him in some way. I'd certainly feel obligated to feed him.

Wouldn't most people?

I'd rather that the child wasn't there though.

That said, I include my phone number on invitations.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2015 06:11

Why can't you just get a contact phone number from the parent when you drop your child off and then if she cries miserably for you they can call you and you can pick her up?

Don't bring your 7 yo and don't stay.

Your younger child most likely only cries at the school gates and it blows over very quickly once you are gone.

The way it's done around here is drop and run from age 4 on.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2015 06:12

Howeve, in the unlikely event of a sibling and parent staying, I would feel the way you would.

PrueDent · 28/02/2015 07:54

3.5 hours for a party is an unusually long time. If it were going to the camera then for a pizza, I'd think fine. But who would expect four year olds to be entertained for three and a half hours in a village hall? Even if they were planning on showing a film it wouldn't last much beyond 90 minutes, with half the children getting bored/scared half way through. Even a booked entertainer usually only does 90mins - 2hours. Maybe 2.5 hours maximum. Is she expecting the children to take an hour to eat the party food?

To be honest, the length of time of the party for such young children and the lack of contact number would concern me. I get the impression the hosts are inexperienced at children's parties and I'd be very reluctant to leave my four year old with them for that length of time.

If you're sure your 7yo will behave then take him and stay, if that's what makes you more comfortable. If he has something occupy him and shows no inclination to eat all the food and get a party bag the host should have no reason to complain. I've been to parties where both parents of a guest have been sitting at the side. A sibling too young to be left alone I can understand, but not an extra parent.

meglet · 28/02/2015 08:09

3.5 hours and no contact number. those poor parents haven't thought this party planning thing through Grin .

ragged · 28/02/2015 08:18

Around here it's pretty common to see extra siblings (older or younger) at parties with the parents, when it's obvious the parent couldn't leave that extra kid behind. And nobody seems to mind or make a big fuss! They're even allowed to join games and have some food. (shock, gasp, etc)

Dumping and running & treating it like childcare for the extra: I can understand a huge objection to that. But hanging out with your own, meh.

TendonQueen · 28/02/2015 08:25

We don't drop and run round here at that age Grin - it's been noted before on party threads that it varies a lot from place to place. I would go with plan of taking 7yo along with their own entertainment and snacks and saying 'had to bring them too but they'll keep out of the way'. I wouldn't mind this as long as kid didn't insist on joining in and winning all the races or whatever against smaller kids (have seen this Hmm) and as there are always no shows at parties, any worthwhile host would tell child to join in with the food anyway.

meglet · 28/02/2015 08:30

exactly. parties always have no shows and at the dc's parties I've been happy to have 'univited' children join in.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/02/2015 08:58

Do people actually let another child sit on the side of a party and not offer food/drink/entertainment?

I must be a flipping mug then, at ds2 party a few months ago one of the boys turned up with his older brother. Most of the boys were 11, the sibling was 13. It was a football party but he said "oh my mum says I'm to just sit outside and watch"

I would have felt horrible to see him just sitting there so I paid for an extra child and he played football, are the party food and got cake and a party bag.

PilchardPrincess · 28/02/2015 09:07

I wouldn't Tantrums, no, and I can't imagine anyone else round here not saying "Come and join in".

PilchardPrincess · 28/02/2015 09:09

Espeically at a church hall type job.

If it was really expensive / not really able to add more that's be different.

wartsnall · 28/02/2015 09:47

^^ that's exactly my point though, I couldn't let a child just sit there on the sidelines so I would feel obliged to ask for them to join in and offer them something to eat. And what if everyone brought their siblings - it just gets ridiculous so no I,d rather just invited children attend.

TendonQueen · 28/02/2015 09:54

Bit different if you have to pay extra. I wouldn't do that. I would tell a sibling turning up at a church hall type do that it's fine for them to have food.

With the football party, I'd have said 'do you want to pay for him to join in?' and if the mum said no, 'well, if you want to take him somewhere else while the party's on, just leave me your mobile number and do that, shame to have him getting bored'.

Janus · 28/02/2015 09:56

I wouldn't mind, especially if you explained you didn't have anyone to leave him with. I would happily give him a plate of food too as they are bound to have loads if they have no idea how many are coming as no-one can RSVP!! One idea for you is to take a packet of sweets to give your son as the party bags are being given out so he has a little treat too. Good luck, 3.5 hours, eek!!

Original poster
ghostspirit · 28/02/2015 11:43

when i done my sons party i allowed for siblings. but then i already knew most of the parents or at least of them and knew some were single parents. some cant get childcare. some would turn up with 3/4 siblings. but then i was in same situation as them its got less for me now because 2 of my kids can stay at home. 2 younger ones cant though.

the RSVP has made it difficult. if i had been able to make contact i could have asked. and she herself wont know how many people can/cant go. then its hand written and if she made loads it could be that she forgot to put the number on one or 2.

3.5 hours seems madness...

im trying to enourage daughter to stay whilst i leave. depending on other mums of course if they are all staying then i will to. depends on the plans of host i guess. if i do go i will leave my number. but its the point of me actually leaving, that daughter could start screaming and then i put the host and other guests in a difficult position. and a screaming child could cause bad feelings.

my son would not even want to join in.

anyway im going to take them both explain when we get there. if problem we will just leave. and we can go find something to do or a little treat or something

OP posts:
landrover · 28/02/2015 13:34

Well if you have been unable to rsvp, they won't know whether you are coming or not, so don't go? Have you tried Facebook? Or other parents on Facebook, they could inbox you the number?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/02/2015 13:58

I find it weird so many people are expecting a 7 yo to want to join in and want a party basg from as 4 yo's party Confused Interestingly the people who were saying they have a 7 yo are saying the opposite Grin

I've been asked to call home and ask my older children to come along to parties my 3 yo has been invited to twice because the hosts were counting on them to help entertain the littlies - usually my 7 and 9 yos have DS2's friends swarm them and dangle off their arms whenever they see them - little kids like bigger kids, but a 3 year as he gap is enough for the idea they'd want to join in with the party games as an equal (rather than a helper) an insult to the mind of most 7 yos I know Grin.

The OPs child doesn't even join in at his own parties, so as long as theOP takes food for him and he takes a book/ gaming device I can't see why anyone reasonable would mind him occupying a chair in a corner of the way, given its a church hall not a space limited private home.

IMO if you expect parents to stay its pretty unreasonable to be churlish about siblings as long as their parents last entry where relevant and feed them, so they don't cost the host anything. If you don't want siblings you have to make it clear its drop and run and not invite more kids than you (and any helpers you might have) can look after.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 28/02/2015 17:53

i agree mrtumble well we went it was a buffet help your self when ever type of thing.. it was frozen themed. with entertainers and games aimed at 4/5 year olds. most of the parents stayed. my son sat next to me the whole time as i said he would. he was told he can go on the bouncy castel several times each time he said no. we did leave early though. daughter was becoming restless and kept asking when are we going. still they all had fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 28/02/2015 17:57

im not sure if its as simple as just dont go. on one hand dont want my 4 year old missing out on a friends party. on the other i was not sure if it was ok to take the 7 year old. and then again would the birthday girl or host rather their friend turned up or did not.... for me i would rather the sibling came so that my child was not disapointed that their friend could not come

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 28/02/2015 18:44

95% of people would agree with you ghost. mn is a bit weird in this imo. It's a non issue for most people ime particularly older siblings who don't interfere with proceedings in any way.

Abra1d · 28/02/2015 18:48

I used to take the older child for a walk for part of the time.

Viviennemary · 28/02/2015 18:49

If he hasn't been invited of course you cannot take him to the party. You will have to drop the 4 year old off and go and get a coffee or do something else if you haven't got anyone to look after him. People probably say they don't mind because they're being polite not because they want extra children. Personally I think it's a bit cheeky to take another child along or put somebody in a position where they have to say oh yes it's fine to try not to appear rude.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 28/02/2015 18:58

OP I'm glad it went well.

Those of you saying you don't want any uninvited children, that is all very well but if it means none of your child's friends can come because of childcare issues, then what do you do?