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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you found out the gender or not?

160 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 26/02/2015 22:33

expecting DC3 in July, and the 20 week scan is fast approaching.

I am dithering about whether to find out the gender or not. I am a little concerned as I have to admit I do have a preference, I know it won't matter when he or she arrives but I'm focusing on it heavily at the moment.

On the one hand I think if I find out and it's my "preferred" gender I'll feel relieved but I think I may also feel sad, as if I rejected the other gender. I know that sounds stupid; I am when I am pregnant. It does also make organising things a bit easier. I can also tell DC1 (dc2 is still only a baby) whether they are having a brother or a sister.

On the other, if it isn't my preferred gender I won't feel "disappointed" when I give birth. But then I don't think I would anyway.

I suppose I am just interested in what others did and why :)

OP posts:
callmekitten · 28/02/2015 06:17

We found out. DD was not planned and DH said he had had enough surprises.

Aquilla · 28/02/2015 06:27

Yes, not knowing did make me 'push harder' and both a midwife and a HV told me the 'best' births are when you don't know. Don't know the science behind it but it was a major motivating factor for me both times!

dreamingaboutcheese · 28/02/2015 06:28

We found out. I'm not very good with waiting when I can find things out quicker. I've also been known to read the end of a book then start at the beginning. That said, I never regretted knowing and could plan properly for her. Although DH was disappointed for about 3 seconds that she wasn't a boy, he said he got over it instantly and never thought of it again.

Aquilla · 28/02/2015 06:29

Oh yeah, another thing: both of mine were water births and I have say, there is no better feeling than discovering the sex on your own!

slightlyconfused85 · 28/02/2015 07:08

I didn't with DC1, there are not many surprises in life! Also didn't want to formulate an image or any pre conceived ideas about baby's looks or personality.

Expecting DC2 in July, I don't want to find out but may do for DD as she's desperate for a sister and if it's a boy she'll have time to get used to it!

figginz · 28/02/2015 11:30

Aquilla - they said the "best" births were when you don't know the sex? That makes me a bit cross tbh. There are already so many things to feel guilty about, so many "best" ways to do things that we all fall short of. Adding whether or not you find out the sex at the anomaly scan is harsh.

Still not convinced that knowing makes a woman push less hard. Not trying to be arsey but really can't get my head around how that could possibly be measured with anything approaching reliability. It's so subjective.

funnyossity · 28/02/2015 11:40

I can't imagine it as a motivating factor at all. We are indeed all different.

GokTwo · 28/02/2015 11:47

I found out. I would again. It's obviously up to you though. People seem to feel quite strongly about waiting. I felt there would be plenty of surprises and upheaval once she was born. I enjoyed knowing and found it very bonding.

Topseyt · 28/02/2015 12:35

First baby, didn't find out because hospital policy was not to tell.

Second baby, we had moved house and was going to a different hospital. I was able to ask and I did.

Third baby, same hospital as second, found out again.

I know there is some chance of error, but it seems generally smallish.

I don't get why it should be considered a surprise. You know you will have one or the other regardless. Why is that surprising? Well, that was my take on it anyway.

NotCitrus · 28/02/2015 15:09

First time - partly because I'd be able to tell from the screen and it wouldn't be fair on MrNC not to say, but mainly in the hope we could stop arguing about boy names. Carried on arguing for another few months.

Second time ditto and were hugely relieved to be able to use our girl name, though the middle name took until after birth.

Both times the babies were very obliging at making their sex very obvious, but then refused to stay still for pictures. We're worried about how long they were taking with dd, but turned out the computer had crashed so all data needed to be entered again.

Cherrychocolate · 28/02/2015 15:50

I found out with all 3 of mine. Each time it was exciting, memorable, and didn't take anything away from the birth. The third time was the best, as I already had 2 gorgeous boys who were 12 and 8, and then found out we were expecting our girl. The boys were at the scan with us, which was so special.

I went for a private scan a couple of weeks later, as I wanted some nice pictures. The boys came again, and my mum and dad came too, as my DH was working. This was lovely, and turned out to be the only time my Dad would see my Daughter, as he died suddenly 2 weeks before she was born :(. I will always be glad he knew she was on her way, and thankful he knew he was going to have a Grandaughter.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 28/02/2015 16:35

I don't understand the idea that it's spoiling the surprise - what's the difference between being surprised at the scan or surprised at the birth? You don't know beforehand either way so when you find out - it's a surprise!

The idea that it makes a better birth is nonsensical. My first birth was a perfect, serene, water birth. I needed no pain relief. I delivered the baby myself. I was the first person to hold him and nothing mattered to me except that he was my baby in my arms. It couldn't have been any better, or more magical, or more surprising even simply because of the rush of overwhelming joy and recognition of this tiny brand new familiar stranger.

Second time round, induction tethered to the bed. Nothing could have motivated me more than the prospect of labour being over! I couldn't have pushed any bloody harder! Seeing my baby was as magical asany moment could be. Knowing his sex beforehand detracted in no way whatsoever.

I'm all for people choosing whichever they like but the idea that it somehow makes you more virtuous or your birth superior is ridiculous!

Gwenci · 28/02/2015 16:38

Totally agree Figginz, another thing to feel guilty about!!

But how can you possibly push any less just because you know if it's a boy or girl? Surely you push as hard as you bloody can just to make the pain end?! And you could also argue that if you know you push harder because you want to meet your son/daughter?

Tell you what, I'll post a definitive answer to this debate in a few weeks - I didn't find out first time (was a DD) but DS is due in 4 weeks - I'll let you know if I just sit back and wait for him to fall out this time because I don't have the motivation of a surprise!!

Sophieelmer · 28/02/2015 16:52

I imagine what midwives actually mean by labour is better, is that at the end of it they or dad get to do the whole "it's a ..." Moment. Rather than the birthing experience being any different.

boysarethebest · 28/02/2015 17:18

Found out with both. Originally planned not to but I was so sure DS1 was a boy that I wanted to.find out in case I was wrong! As it turned out the sonagrapher said 'it looks like a girl ' so I asked her to check again and he was a boy after all! She said it was surprising how often that happened

Shakey1500 · 28/02/2015 17:29

I wanted to know, too impatient.

BakingBunty · 28/02/2015 20:34

When friends are expecting babies and announce the sex before the birth, I'm just a little less excited about the actual arrival. I didn't want people to feel this way about the births of my babies, which is one of the reasons we decided not to find out. I guess that wanting people to be REALLY EXCITED about the arrival of my children is a bit self centred, but there you go Smile

Pilgit · 28/02/2015 20:43

Didn't need to. I just knew both times. But a friend did for no 2 as she knew it was the last and wanted a girl. So found out so if it was a boy she had time to go through the feelings before it was born. It was a boy. she now wouldn't change anything.

IamSlave · 28/02/2015 20:50

Still not convinced that knowing makes a woman push less hard

Neither am I, I never pushed, my body when it was the right time, just did an involuntary reaction like pucking, and pushed the baby out.

But how can you possibly push any less just because you know if it's a boy or girl? Surely you push as hard as you bloody can just to make the pain end?!
I know its just a corny phrase trotted out in these debates and is meaningless

rednsparkley · 28/02/2015 20:57

I didn't find out for the first 3 but I did for No4 as I really really wanted a boy and needed time to 'get over it' if she was a girl - which she was Grin I cried for a few days and then got over it and looked forward to her arrival.

If I had any more (which I won't be) I wouldn't find out. Personally, I preferred not knowing

Bearfrills · 28/02/2015 23:28

When friends are expecting babies and announce the sex before the birth, I'm just a little less excited about the actual arrival.

I'm sorry but that is horrid! I would be so pissed off at any friend of mine who took suh a view of my decision to find out the sex of my baby. To suggest it makes the arrival less exciting is, at best, incredibly rude and, at its heart, extremely judgemental.

So what if it's not the choice you yourself would make, maybe we should simply be thankful that we're lucky enough to have these choices and access to such a high level of ante/post natal care.

Totality22 · 28/02/2015 23:40

Bullshit about the not knowing makes you push harder (??) / have a better labour.

We didn't know first time and I had a 51 hour labour [lots of intervention, but thankfully a natural delivery after 2 gruesome hours of pushing!!].

We found out second time and I had a 4 hour labour, 80 minutes from arriving at birthing centre, 10 pushes and baby was in my arms.

That said it was much more of a moment to find out gender of child after delivering baby as opposed to during a scan we were told baby had potential health problems almost as soon as we learned gender so that may have affected my experience somewhat

CapnMurica · 28/02/2015 23:41

We found out, both times.

First time, we had complications in the pregnancy and wanted to know what our babies were just in case the worst happens Sad. Everything was find btw and we had ID twin boys Smile.

Second pregnancy we found out as well, so we had some idea. For me, it was still a surprise, but I preferred to know.

Bearfrills · 28/02/2015 23:45

I had cesareans for my last two pregnancies. Maybe it's because I knew the sex already, I just couldn't be fucking bothered with labour as I'd already ruined the surprise so I opted out of the whole business. If only I'd not found out I'd have probably pushed instead....

TurquoiseDress · 28/02/2015 23:52

Bearfrills
Grin

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