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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you found out the gender or not?

160 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 26/02/2015 22:33

expecting DC3 in July, and the 20 week scan is fast approaching.

I am dithering about whether to find out the gender or not. I am a little concerned as I have to admit I do have a preference, I know it won't matter when he or she arrives but I'm focusing on it heavily at the moment.

On the one hand I think if I find out and it's my "preferred" gender I'll feel relieved but I think I may also feel sad, as if I rejected the other gender. I know that sounds stupid; I am when I am pregnant. It does also make organising things a bit easier. I can also tell DC1 (dc2 is still only a baby) whether they are having a brother or a sister.

On the other, if it isn't my preferred gender I won't feel "disappointed" when I give birth. But then I don't think I would anyway.

I suppose I am just interested in what others did and why :)

OP posts:
tulipgrower · 27/02/2015 17:00

Didn't find out with DC1, but by DS2 I was classed as high risk due to my age and was given a special high definition scan. The sex was VERY obvious. ;-)

YvetteChauvire · 27/02/2015 17:00

Found out each time. It's not really much of surprise is it? You are going to get a baby girl or a baby boy. It's not like you may give birth to a cat or horse or something.

Finding out helped me bond quicker with each child, this really helped me with my youngest as I had PSTD after the birth and the bond that was created when she was in utero helped me massively.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 17:01

I am a shocking person Yvette as evidenced by my incorrect use of sex and gender; I think boys and girls are different.

OP posts:
LokiBear · 27/02/2015 17:09

I didn't because dh really didn't want to know. When dd was born dh announced the sex and it was a lovely moment for him to get to tell me. I had been convinced she was a boy, and really wanted a boy until the 20 week scan when I looked and looked and couldn't see a winkle. (Not sorry for my use of winkle, I know the scientific term but as far as I am concerned little boys have winkles!) Anyway, then my cousin gave birth, having been told on two separate scans that she was having a girl, and he was a boy! I ended up more confused than ever. Next time I'd be tempted to find out because I drove myself mad using the old wives tales last time.

ArmyDad · 27/02/2015 17:15

We did but I was away for the birth and didn't come home until he was almost a month old. I don't think we'd have asked if that wasn't the case.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 27/02/2015 17:29

I don't like surprises. I found out.

I don't understand the issue here, if you do great, if you don't great.

There is no right way but I often feel I see a disapproving undertone in some of the no camp!

BigCatFace · 27/02/2015 17:36

I found out as I had a preference and wanted to be prepared. I wanted a girl, was told it was a girl, but they're actually a boy.

Next time we're not going to find out!

LittleMiss77 · 27/02/2015 17:38

i had my 20wk scan last week and asked to know the sex purely because i really couldnt wait until July!

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 27/02/2015 18:54

I also found out because I had two awful pregnancies (9 months of sickness + other problems both times) and finding out at 5 months made me happy and I could imagine my babies easier.

maggiethemagpie · 27/02/2015 18:58

I found out both times. The second time, as early as I could (had a private scan at 11weeks and asked them to tell me what they thought it may be - they were right) Then had another scan at 16 weeks to confirm. I couldn't wait any longer. I'm not good with waiting for news at the best of times, let alone 9 months when it could be four. Besides how else would I have known what clothes to buy my baby? Planning the wardrobe was extremely important!

Andrewofgg · 27/02/2015 19:51

We knew. And pretended we didn't to both lots of ILs!

TurquoiseDress · 27/02/2015 22:22

We found out the sex of our little one. I think it was mainly because curiosity got the better of us and the technology is there.

There was no "desperation" for either sex- we knew we'd likely be offered the opportunity to find out & both agreed to find out.

I can say 100% that the excitement of pregnancy and finally meeting our LO at the birth was in NO way diminished by finding out the sex beforehand.

It made choosing a name easier as we disregard half of them immediately.

Mainly bought neutral colours- can't stand all the gender stereotyping, especially the fluffy pink princess shite for a girl!

We didn't use the information to help prepare the nursery (live in a tiny flat, LO doesn't have own room anyway 1 year down the line).

I really don't agree with the comments re "opening your Christmas presents early".
However, I'd say that it's such a personal thing, each to their own.

Sorry but the bit that has really made laugh in this thread are the posters who said not knowing the sex made them "push harder" during labour.

Really?! So if you already knew the sex you'd only give it half the effort in childbirth.Grin

TurquoiseDress · 27/02/2015 22:27

Just to add- if our trust had refused to tell the sex due to policy or whatever, we would not have pursued a private/4D scan or anything like that.
Would've just waited for the birth, just like in the old days Grin

Bearfrills · 27/02/2015 22:41

I found out with all three. No justification, no rationalising, no list of reasons. I wanted to know, so I found out.

minipie · 27/02/2015 22:45

Yes we did - not because I had a preference, but because I'm a very curious person and wanted every bit of information available about my child to be.

I don't think gender is particularly important. So I think it would be odd to find out everything else they can see on the scans and not find out the gender. Almost making a bigger deal of it by not finding out, iyswim.

Finding out also helped in practical terms eg choosing a name.

I find it bizarre when people say finding out is somehow ruining the surprise or taking away the excitement of birth. Surely meeting your baby, finding out what they look like etc is a pretty big deal even if you already know the gender?

Bearfrills · 27/02/2015 22:47

I was very excited for all three births. I wanted to see what my babies looked like, did they have hair and how much, who did they look like, how much did they weigh, and so on. The sex had nothing at all to do with it so I didn't see it as "spoiling" anything by finding out.

crossbag · 27/02/2015 23:36

I've never quite got this idea of preparing siblings. I was 6 years old when my mum went into hospital to give birth to the triplets. I just remember being so unbelievably excited and in suspense, sitting there, waiting to see my mum had (all boys!).

Bearfrills · 27/02/2015 23:40

Some children are unsettled by the idea of a new baby joining the family and finding out the sex can help prepare them by talking about it in practical terms, e.g., referring to the baby as their brother or sister is more specific and therefore easier to relate to than "the baby".

Most people have the choice, find out or don't find out. Why does it matter if someone made a different choice to your own? Why all the muttering in about not understanding why anyone would/wouldn't find out?

Also agree with a PP that there seems to be a certain level of sniffiness towards people who did find out at the 20 week scan.

CointreauVersial · 27/02/2015 23:50

DC1 - didn't find out because, being our first, we didn't mind what we were having (DS)
DC2 - DID find out, because we kinda wanted a girl after DS, and if there were to be any slight feelings of "disappointment" we wanted them out of the way before the birth (DD1)
DC3 - didn't find out because, as we already had one of each, we didn't mind what we were having (DD2)

mrsleomcgary · 28/02/2015 00:08

We didnt as I think there are very few nice few surprises in life. Not knowing didnt bother me and only 'bothered' one person. 3 of my friends were pregnant at the same time as me,2 of us found out and 2 didnt. We all had our own reasons.

From my scans and hospital appointments (type 1 diabetic so had one every 4 weeks) I was definatley in the minority round here though,the midwifes were as excited about finding out as we were

toobreathless · 28/02/2015 01:13

We are expecting DC3 (early days) and have two DDs.

For DD1 we found out as DH was in afghan for weeks 22 to 37 and was desperate to know so I thought fair enough.

Then he reasoned that we should for DD2 because we did for DD1. I had no strong preference.

This time we DEFINITELY will although we wouldn't pay for a gender scan if it just wasn't possible to determine sex. If we have a third DD that would be wonderful but I absolutely do not want to be subjected to 6 months of speculation regarding the gender from the point we announce the pregnancy. If it's a boy I don't mind if others find out at the birth but we will actively tell our families that we are having a third DD if that's the case.

okeydonkey · 28/02/2015 01:15

No I havebt it's unnatural to me

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 28/02/2015 01:33

No, for either, I figured I'd find out soon enough, I knew DS would be a boy though & presumed DD would be too. After the World's easiest labour the MW put her on my chest & I wondered where her penis was.

However, take nothing, NOTHING for granted. DS is the most gentle, sensitive child, he wears his heart on his sleeve, when I tell him I love him I see him curl up with joy. DD is intransigent, surly, violent & tells me frequently she wants to be a boy named Sam, she frequently fixes me with the coldest eye I've ever been a victim to. But good God, I love her.

There are no absolutes or guarantees.

Maki79 · 28/02/2015 01:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

NobodyLivesHere · 28/02/2015 02:02

I didn't find out with any of my three, just didn't feel the need to know and I worried about them getting it wrong as it happened to a few friends of mine.The only time I thought maybe I should have asked was for dc3 (dd2) because we could not agree on a boys name and it would have saved many an arguement had we known!