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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you found out the gender or not?

160 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 26/02/2015 22:33

expecting DC3 in July, and the 20 week scan is fast approaching.

I am dithering about whether to find out the gender or not. I am a little concerned as I have to admit I do have a preference, I know it won't matter when he or she arrives but I'm focusing on it heavily at the moment.

On the one hand I think if I find out and it's my "preferred" gender I'll feel relieved but I think I may also feel sad, as if I rejected the other gender. I know that sounds stupid; I am when I am pregnant. It does also make organising things a bit easier. I can also tell DC1 (dc2 is still only a baby) whether they are having a brother or a sister.

On the other, if it isn't my preferred gender I won't feel "disappointed" when I give birth. But then I don't think I would anyway.

I suppose I am just interested in what others did and why :)

OP posts:
LemonYellowSun · 27/02/2015 09:32

We didn't find out.

I liked not knowing until they were here. Nothing else in life is like that.

The babies both slept in our room for a few months so we decorating beforehand wasn't an issue.

tilliebob · 27/02/2015 09:34

I found out only with my 3rd dc and I wish I hadn't as it took away some of the magic of my previous 2 pregnancies. We found out because we had a DS and a DD and they each wanted another smaller copy of themselves, so we knew one would be disappointed. We never told anyone or the dcs but could steer the convo to make it positive for the dc would was going to be disappointed. It worked and DD was delighted when her little brother was born instead of being gutted.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/02/2015 09:34

No, I didn't want to know, and if I had another I wouldn't find out again. I'm not usually one for surprises, but it would have felt like peeking at your Christmas presents in advance to find out the sex. DC1 wasn't really old enough for it to matter to him when DC2 was coming along and there weren't any other practical considerations.

Tubbytimmy · 27/02/2015 09:36

We found out with all four dc, dh wasn't as bothered to but I am far too nosey. If we were to have another I don't think I would I actually wish I'd kept one at least as a surprise.

Chillyegg · 27/02/2015 09:38

I haven't found out, I wouldn't if been able to it wouldn't stop moving in the scan!!
But I'll know in 6 weeks! It makes it exciting for me.
It's been annoying as I Haven't been able to buy all the cute stuff I wanted to. But then I can do that when it's hear Grin

Custardmiteofglut · 27/02/2015 09:44

We didn't find out with either of our 2 DC. I wasn't bothered what DC1 was, as long as it was healthy.
With DC2 I did have a preference, albeit one I keep quiet about.
In some ways I ached to know what sex DC2 was, but like you I didn't want to reject or prefer it before it arrived, as I knew I'd love my child regardless of its sex.
When I was having a moment of 'I hope it's a...' I told myself that it's sex had been decided before I knew I was pregnant and couldn't change it, so why waste energy thinking about it.
Best of luck with your pregnancy and baby when it arrives!

QueenB14 · 27/02/2015 09:48

I didn't want to but in the end I did because I was so sure I knew...turns out I was right. If I was wrong though and found out at birth it would have been pretty hard to adjust, having called her 'her' since around 16 weeks by accident.

Also I just couldn't face people guessing at me for another 20 weeks as in 'I bet it's a...'

peggyundercrackers · 27/02/2015 09:51

On the one hand I think if I find out and it's my "preferred" gender I'll feel relieved but I think I may also feel sad, as if I rejected the other gender

what? you feel sad because you rejected a gender you didn't want in the first place... I think you need something to keep your mind busier.

IamSlave · 27/02/2015 09:53

I found out both times, I had too, not kind of person too like surprised and I felt bonded, liked being able to choose gender clothes,think of names, I had a third would leave it to surprise but very very very happy found out with other two

Andcake · 27/02/2015 12:57

Didn't find out partly because I wanted my DP to tell me when baby was born not done sonographer I'd never met before, also after years of infertility and mc I was worried about knowing too much or being in anyway disappointed.

Also after a friend having bad news at a 20 week scan it felt like bad taste that people see the scan as all about the sex!

It was a lovely surprise and tbh most of the people I know who find out are those who would be all out for decorating things in pink!

LynseyPynsey · 27/02/2015 13:24

Our NHS trust won't tell at 20 week scan. I had a private 4D scan and found out, my pregnancy was a big shock and helped with bonding etc etc I also missed 2 of the NHS scans because I found out so late.

Purplepoodle · 27/02/2015 13:44

Ds1 no but ds2 and ds3 yes. I felt I needed to practically as if it were a girl we need different clothes but honestly it was to get my head around the idea of different sex - I was very worried about having a girl and dh desperately wanted a girl so didn't want his disappointed face on delivery day.

I was relieved and it took dh a couple of weeks to get over his disappointment.

IdaClair · 27/02/2015 13:57

I find out as much information about the pregnancy as soon as I possibly can. Including whether the baby has healthy genitals of either variety.

Problem is, people assume there are two options for finding out the sex, either at the scan or at the birth, and I know that there is a third way of finding out, and that is at post mortem. Having done that, I'll take the news as soon as possible with a squirming baby on the screen, please, and make a nice memory.

Sheilathegreat · 27/02/2015 14:00

I have three DC and have experienced both sides of the coin. Honestly for me finding out the sex at the birth added nothing to the moment. I was elated at having successfully pushed a human out and that was about as good as it gets. I don't plan to have any more but if I were to id find out at the scan.

Lilicat1013 · 27/02/2015 14:03

I found out both times.

In both cases it was because I have no patience, it helps me feel bonded with baby as I can call them by name (names were set in stone by 20 week scan), because I find that nice, neutral clothes tend to come from retailers far beyond by budget however I can get nice non neutral things in my price range and because I hate that medical staff would know but not me.

More specifically for each baby:

My older son was because I was certain he was a boy and I was worried I wouldn't get my head round it if he was a girl.
Also I was hugely anxious during pregnancy in a way I didn't realise till much later. I read a newspaper report about gender disappointment which referenced a message board. I looked out of curiosity and a small minority of posters were obviously very depressed or had some real issues. Some of these women made remarks about wishing they could steal a baby of the prefered sex or swap their child at the hospital if they were pregnant. One woman wrote a long detailed posted about this would be achieved Sad
I became obsessed with the idea someone wanted to steal my baby and through a boy would be safer as they all seemed to want girls. I became a real fixation with me when my son was very young which became post natal depression.

My younger son was because my older son was autistic and I wanted to explain to him in as much detail as I could so he could adapt to the idea. I used to show him the baby's things and tell him his baby brother would sleep there or wear this. Also because I knew I had more risk of a second child with autism if I had a boy and wanted time to get used to the idea beforehand.
I had a slight preference for a girl and we also had bedroom planning issues as well that would differ depending on the sex of the younger child.

It worked out well for me, I still remember the exact moment they told me the news. With my older son I remember no one answering the phone when I was ringing round desperate to tell someone we were having a little boy and with my younger I was on my own. I remember pausing in a stairwell just overcome with excitement about the news.

With regard to it being less interesting/exciting for other people, I really don't care. When I announce baby is born it is to inform people our new family member has arrived not for maximum levels of surprise and interest.

Chips1999 · 27/02/2015 14:06

I really wanted to find out the first time with DS but our hospitals policy was not to tell you whether you were having a boy/girl. It was a lovely surprise when he was born Smile

The second time around for DD, the hospital had changed their policy, but we decided to have a surprise instead.

I quite liked not knowing and having people guess based on all the different old wives tales, it was good fun!

CunningCat · 27/02/2015 14:09

Ida, very true. My twins were pre term and one was very ill and it was touch and go for the first 24 hours. I'm glad I knew the sex and had a name. As you are probably aware you are very strongly encouraged to name your baby in case the inevitable happensSad for the death certificate.

Gwenci · 27/02/2015 15:17

We kept it a surprise for DC1 and I'm glad we did - I was convinced it was a boy but she proved me wrong! I honestly had no preference so didn't feel I needed to know.

Currently pregnant with DC2 and we know this one is a little boy and I'm really glad we know! Having done it both ways I actually prefer knowing, which surprises me. Our DS has a name (that we haven't shared - got to keep something back to announce when he arrives!) and I kind of feel more 'attached' than I did first time round when it was 'baby.' This one is my little boy already.

Also, it's helped practically as I know I've got to buy different clothes, can't reuse DD's pink/flowery babygros. Damn!!

Cliffdiver · 27/02/2015 15:42

We did not find out the sex Grin with DD1, and this was 100% the right decision.

We found out with DD2, mainly because DH really wanted to find out. We weren't going to as I didn't want to know. Until we were actually in the waiting for for the 20week scan and I changed my mind. I'm glad we found out.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 15:51

Yes, okay, I made a mistake with language. I have apologised for this already, but to be honest I am getting a bit tired of these pointed remarks.

I personally find it irritating when people say "etc. etc." or when people use the word "proforma" or when people say SHROWSBURY not SHREWSBURY but I don't go on about it; or make sarky remarks. It's basic manners.

Peggy perhaps. However, very few things about pregnancy are rational, I find. DC3 is, it is suffice to say, very unplanned and another boy would make life just a bit more difficult which obviously I don't want, so am hoping for a girl.

OP posts:
CunningCat · 27/02/2015 16:02

OP please find out and post on here!!! I really want to know now!!!!

liquidstateisonthemulled · 27/02/2015 16:42

I didn't. My idea and DH fortunately went along with it. Many reasons.

We wanted a surprise.

I didn't want the bump to be 'named' before being born. Just a weird thig of mine. We had names picked so as soon as DD was born she had a name though.

My SIL had just given birth to my nephew. 3 of my cousins were expecting and due before me and they were all having boys. I just felt if it was a boy everyones reaction would be 'oh another boy'.

Also I hate pink for girls and blue for boys. I figured (correctly) people would buy/knit things in those colours only and I wanted a bit more variety. Even at 8 months DD still wears bright colours, none of which is pink.

There's no right or wrong way to do this it really just boils down to personal preference.

Incidentally to the PP who posted about 80/90s babies from certain communities being aborted due to wrong sex, my Dbro was born during this time and the hospital would not say the sex at the scan for that reason. North London area, late 80s.

Morelikeguidelines · 27/02/2015 16:47

I found out both times. I had a slight preference each time but not really.

But I am incapable of keeping a surprise for myself and am the kind of person who will open presents early.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 16:50

Is it better to be born into a home where you aren't wanted because of your gender, though? Strange situation.

OP posts:
MyCrazyLife · 27/02/2015 16:52

First baby, yes - I wanted a boy desperately, and wanted to 'get over it' if it was a girl. He was a boy.

Second baby - I wanted a girl, we paid privately at 15 weeks to find out. I had a girl.

Third baby - I wanted a surprise, DH wanted to find out. I gave in and asked (didn't take much convincing!), but the sonographer couldn't tell us. I had a feeling that it was a girl though, and even bought some pink sleepsuits. But I loved having a 'surprise'. Although there was no amazing announcement of "it's a girl/boy!" as the baby was delivered by DH on our bed, so i was more concerned about whether it was alive. I had a girl.

If we have a fourth - I will definitely not find out! It'll be torture though. And we'd have to do a lot of bedroom rearranging with four children in tow!

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