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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you found out the gender or not?

160 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 26/02/2015 22:33

expecting DC3 in July, and the 20 week scan is fast approaching.

I am dithering about whether to find out the gender or not. I am a little concerned as I have to admit I do have a preference, I know it won't matter when he or she arrives but I'm focusing on it heavily at the moment.

On the one hand I think if I find out and it's my "preferred" gender I'll feel relieved but I think I may also feel sad, as if I rejected the other gender. I know that sounds stupid; I am when I am pregnant. It does also make organising things a bit easier. I can also tell DC1 (dc2 is still only a baby) whether they are having a brother or a sister.

On the other, if it isn't my preferred gender I won't feel "disappointed" when I give birth. But then I don't think I would anyway.

I suppose I am just interested in what others did and why :)

OP posts:
CountingThePennies · 27/02/2015 04:56

I was desperate to find out with dd. it did help when choosing pram colours etc.

I also had a name picked before i fell pregnant and had the name on the wall when sorting the nursery whilst pregnant!

If i was to have another child i wouldnt do any of that!

I wouldnt find out the sex or pick a name. I would have a shortlist of 5 names for each sex and decide when baby was born.

figginz · 27/02/2015 05:32

I found out. Twas a nice surprise at the scan! Wasn't so I could buy stuff, though it helped with name choosing as it turns out that DP likes to veto ALL names, what on earth will we do if we ever have a second?

Obviously it's entirely your choice etc etc. But, I'm genuinely curious when people say they did/would push harder, not knowing the sex. Really Hmm ? Is this - can this be - true? I hardly sat back thinking, oh I know she's a girl and I've only been having contractions for two days now so, nah, I'll wait a bit longer thanks.

Storm15 · 27/02/2015 05:56

I found out for all 3 of mine - DS6, DD4 and DD1. I also have a DSD. To be honest I was hoping DD1 would be a boy as DS was desperate for a brother but I still came out of the scan beaming ear to ear and went straight off to buy something pink. I must admit DS wailed when he told him though....

echt · 27/02/2015 06:39

I had CVS, so naturally it identified the sex of our baby. I wanted to know, I don't have sporting bone in my body.

Taz1212 · 27/02/2015 06:46

I had two amnios and I found out both times. DH didn't want to know so I then had to keep it a secret for the rest of the pregnancies!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/02/2015 06:47

I chose not to find out with both.
Personally I really wanted the surprise.
DH wanted to know. Had plenty of "logical" arguments for sexing. But I refused. I felt quite strongly about it.
I sometimes wonder though, if you have a stong preference, if it might be helpful to find put before the birth to "brace yourself" as it were. But I'm not sure.
I have seen new baby boys nestled in bubblegum pink rooms because the scan indicated a girl. Just saying. Not always accurate.
Good luck.

wheresthelight · 27/02/2015 06:48

I did but I suffered with depression and severe anxiety all through pregnancy and found it almost impossible to accept that I was pregnant so I had hoped that finding out the sex of the baby would help me be able to bond. it didn't but it did help me organise things better.

I found that even "neutral" stuff was still heavily weighted yo being either for a girl or a boy so it was very difficult to buy things before we knew and for friends who didn't find out

OwlinaTree · 27/02/2015 06:59

There aren't many genuine surprises in adult life, it was lovely having that surprise when my babies were born.

bananaramadrama · 27/02/2015 07:06

I didn't want to know with either of my ds, but unfortunately the photo that I was given of ds2 at the scan was taken at such an angle that it was very obviously a boy!

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 07:47

No, of course not, Ottlilia; I was just trying to add a light comment to try and stop people reprimanding me for accidentally using the wrong term.

I've always said gender, which I realise is technically incorrect but a lot of things people say ARE. I'm also, by my own admission, not very intelligent.

With regards to "organisation" - there's a very small gap between this baby and DC2 and it is definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, my last. It would be nice to know what to take to the Oxfam shop and what to keep.

It also helps with long term plans as I'm going through a slightly tumultuous time at the moment and am considering the possibility of moving. If DC3 is a boy I will almost certainly need a 4 bed house. If she is a girl, a 3 bed will suffice. It's things like this!

OP posts:
MissDuke · 27/02/2015 08:05

Op I say 'gender' too, not sure why its such a big deal on this thread?? Confused

Anyway, another thing I don't understand is people saying they find out so they can have 'everything prepared'. What needs prepared? Baby stays in with parents for 6 months so there is no rush to organise the nursery surely. The hospital make it clear that they can be wrong, so using the information for 'pram colours', choosing names and decorating is crazy! A couple here have said it was because siblings wished to know - another new one on me. I am sure siblings can wait Hmm

Anyway as you can tell, I didn't find out with any of my three. To be honest I just really wasn't bothered either way, so was nice to have the surprise! I was actually breastfeeding my son for 10 minutes when the midwife asked when I was going to check, and I realised then I still didn't know!

If you think there is a chance you will be disappointed, I would wait and find out at the birth - when you see for yourself what it is - you are much less likely to care in that lovely situation than in a scanning room!

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 27/02/2015 08:10

Not sure I find birth "lovely" MissDuke!

yes, of course siblings can wait - it's just nice to be able to say "you're having a brother or a sister!" and involve them a bit. That said, with DC2 I didn't find out so DC1 had to wait!

The hospital can be wrong, but in fairness this is unusual. I don't like garish pink or blue prams anyway but buying clothes and so on is handy, otherwise you just have a load of white stuff and then have to go shopping after the birth which I don't think I'll want to, especially as he or she will be born in the midst of school holiday madness!

Having said all that I think I will try to wait - I do think it's nicer, but then I also think I may waver when I am actually asked if I want to know!

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 27/02/2015 08:34

We found out the sex of number three in advance, paid £100

We had one of each already and it made a difference regarding the bedrooms, we wanted to get that sorted before the baby turned up

My DH, both little ones, his mum and my dad were all at the scan. It was nice referring to "your baby brother" , sorted the bedroom issue and made choosing names easier

When we had the scan there was no doubt at all as to what he was Grin

I wouldn't have done it with the first two

diddl · 27/02/2015 08:39

i didn't with either.

I doubt I would have been disappointed with whatever I'd had, but I did have a preference both timesBlush

i decided best not to find out & perhaps spend some time being disappointed.

I knew that chances were if I found out just after giving birth I wouldn't care!

engeika · 27/02/2015 08:45

I found out the sex of mine. It was just part of the other tests they did. I didn't tell anyone though.

broomy123 · 27/02/2015 08:48

I remember at our 20 week scan a couple came out from their ultrasound whilst we were waiting. She said: I told you it was a girl
He said: ah yeah well done. Anyway do you wanna go for a wee and I'll get the car?

We had planned not to find out anyway but I remember thinking it just seemed so underwhelming in that environment. I ended up going two weeks over, being induced and having a c section. The excitement of not knowing really kept me going through it all and the moment you are told after it arrives is like nothing you will experience! I don't understand the practical argument of finding out the sex before. babies just wear white baby grows and don't care what colour their nursery is! plus it forces you to but neutral things which is good for utter babies! Good luck!

broomy123 · 27/02/2015 08:51

Utter? Typo fail Smile

ThursdayLast · 27/02/2015 08:52

I didn't.
Genuinely had no preference and wouldn't if there's a next time either.

There's something to be said for delayed gratification, and there's was nothing I would have bought differently because of the sex of the baby.
They all need nappies and cots and baby gros right?

MrsGSR · 27/02/2015 08:57

We did because I was 100% convinced it was a girl and wouldn't be told otherwise. I didn't have a preference but DH was worried that I would struggle to bond if it was a boy just because of the shock. I was right though Grin I don't know if we'll find out next time, we have plenty that would be fine for either sex.

A friend found out because she already had one of each and was moving, and wanted to know wether to put her DD or DS in the bigger room to share with their sibling.

OttiliaVonBCup · 27/02/2015 08:58

technically incorrect but a lot of things people say ARE

It matters because sometimes the tiniest of words can change the meaning of everything dramatically.

Words are important, we ought to use them with respect.
There is no such thing as technically incorrect, correct is correct, incorrect is not and just because people use it doesn't make it right.

But this is a different discussion and I'm going to leave it at this.

Mousefinkle · 27/02/2015 09:04

You weren't allowed to find out where I'm from in Yorkshire until the early 2000s so my mum wasn't able to with both my brother and I. She knew my brother was a boy though because you could make out his penis on the scan photo Grin.

We found out with the first two and we opted for a surprise with the third (and last) just to see how/if it alters the experience in any way. I was convinced we were having a boy, as was everyone else so it really was a huge surprise when SHE was born Grin. As odd as it sounds it took a few weeks for it to sink in that she was a girl and I also struggled with calling her by her name, she was 'baby' for at least the first two months. I felt like I bonded with the first two better when they were in utero for whatever reason as well, it was nicer being able to refer to them as he/she rather than it. I think if I was ever crazy enough to have a fourth I'd find out.

SenatusPopulusqueRomanorum · 27/02/2015 09:11

DC1 : I insisted on keeping the surprise.
DC2 and DC3 : DH wanted to know, so we found out, but I wish I could have had the surprise.

IWantDogger · 27/02/2015 09:14

I found out the first time because I was convinced it was a boy and thought I'd better find out if it wasn't so I could readjust my imaginings! (She was a girl....) then the subsequent two times we did because we'd done so before and I like to be prepared!

HazleNutt · 27/02/2015 09:16

We did with both. Helped me to bond, when I could imagine a son and a daughter respectively, not just a baby. And narrowed down the name choices - we're abroad and here you must register the baby in 3 days, no not long to think about it.

toptomatoes · 27/02/2015 09:27

I wanted to know for all of my 3. Having the surprise of seeing your baby for the first time at birth was quite enough for me, I don't think it would be possible to make it more special just by not knowing the sex! It was lovely to find out at the scan after all the stress of worrying if the baby would be ok. Plus, I like to have all the information available!