AIBU to be disappointed not to have an engagement ring?

[finlaythecat]

My partner popped the question on Christmas eve and we are over the moon. He made a homemade ring for the occasion which I love and which will always be 'The Ring' but is not suitable to actually wear.

We went ring shopping together in early January and he had no idea about cost of rings so it was all quite a suprise to him! I would like a platinum ring so I can wear it every day and my job is quite hands on. The rings we've looked at have been around £1000-£1500.

We have a good amount of savings and several of the jewellers we went into offer payment in installments etc. However, DP has said he doesnt want to use any of our savings and does not want to buy it on credit. We are not badly off financially and hopefully in May he will be becoming a partner in his business, leading to a big salary increase.

In the mean time we are paying to have several rooms plastered, carpeted etc and our garden cleared.

AIBU to be sad about not having a ring 2 months down the line and that everything else is taking priority financially? I know I sound like a complete spoiled brat and it is a big luxury but I feel like he is not interested at all.

YANBU.

I'd call off the engagement in your position, because I expect any future husband of mine to prioritise my happiness and things that are important to me, as I would do for him. Two months into an engagement you should be wedding planning, not still waiting for a ring that was promised to you but that never materialised.

Platinum is a good choice if you want to be able to wear your ring every day for the rest of your life, and it should be something you like.

OP
friends, colleagues, jewellers have recommended platinum for it's durability

Ah, I have answer for you then OP. Titanium. Harder wearing that platinum at a fraction of the cost. Add in some industrial diamonds, again, a fraction of the cost. Take the ring and gems to an independant jeweller and voila! A lovely, diamond ring, for

Lotta I bought DH a watch when we got engaged, he bought me a ring. Nothing sexist.

What is the point of an engagement ring 5 years after the wedding? Such fucking nonsense...

I was just about to come on here and recommend titanium for durability, but someone else beat me to it.

My ring is titanium, beautiful and unusual and has survived years of lab work unscathed.

everything else is more important to him but I see a ring as an important part of our relationship

I don't see it about being the cost, value or style of the ring, I think you need to have a bit of a heart to heart so that you're on the same page.

If his objection is purely based on where your funds go in the short term maybe you could think about looking at a vintage dress ring that you could wear on the other hand once you have a wedding ring? Some of the designs are very romantic and unusual.

Aliba, there's no such thing as an engagement watch. Its lovely that you bought your DH a watch but it would not have been recognised by anyone as an 'engagement watch'. So you chose to get each other gifts, but the engagement ring tradition itself is deeply sexist.

I always thought it was part of the promise.

'I'm going to marry you, here is a ring worth some money incase I disappear to the colonies/get shot in battle so that you aren't left destitute'.

I never got a ring from XH, he didn't really propose as such, we just agreed to get married. I ended up choosing a cheap (£10 ish) silver ring from a market somewhere which I wore a few times, but it didn't really feel special enough to matter.

I got a plain platinum wedding band, which did end up pretty scuffed and dull after 14 years. The original £400 price tag, which was allegedly just the cost price per gram of platinum, gave me £170 when I sold it last year.

I always felt a bit sad that I wasn't worth buying diamonds for, he never bought me any other jewellery (I don't wear much anyway, just bracelets usually) and was a bit tight generally, so I should have taken it as a sign.

Is your fiance generous in other ways? If not, this is probably a sign of things to come for you.

FWIW, my current partner bought me an eternity ring (I'm technically still married to XH so although we've discussed marriage in our future, it's not an engagement ring!). DP asked me to point out some styles I liked, I was looking at white gold rings for around £200-300 and he told me I had undervalued myself and that he wanted to spend about £1500 on it. I was horrified! I couldn't bear the idea of spending that sort of money on some jewellery.

However, since buying it (he took store credit and pays monthly) it makes me feel happy and cherished every time I look at it. It also makes him happy to see it sparkling away as a symbol of his love for me for all to see. Sounds daft and soppy, but I finally see what the fuss is all about!

I'm sure I'd have been equally happy with a £200 ring if it looked the same and sparkled the same, I have no idea about diamonds, but it's the thought that counts and if your DF isn't pushing for you to have something to wear on your ring finger, I think it's a sad sign. If it's really the money then he needs to be having a conversation with you about budgets and compromising, not about carpets and gardening!

Yabu and have fallen for an advertising con in thinking an expensive new diamond ring is necessary to be happily engaged.

Diamond engagement rings were dreamed up by an advertiser working for De Beers, previously they were not given. What a successful campaign, as now posters up thread are advising OP to break off her engagement unless she gets one! De Beers keeps the price of diamonds artificially high by withholding lots of the diamonds they mine from the market and keeping them in storage, so the diamond is not really 'worth' the price charged. There are lots of unethical diamond mines in Africa. When you walk out a shop with a new diamond ring the price plummets as there is such a high Mark up. Personally I don't want to buy into this exploitative market!

Btw Titanium is harder than platinum and cheaper.

Why not ask if there are any diamonds or other precious stones in your family that you could make into a ring? Or choose another stone?

Spending 1.5k on a piece of symbolic jewellery is daft! Your DH sounds sensible, don't fall out over this.

Congratulations on your engagement :)

I don't know if it's just me but I've always found engagement rings to be quite pointless really. Unless you're the type to be engaged for about five years that is... Once the wedding ring is on most people take their engagement ring off anyway, wearing both looks and just is a bit weird. I don't know, I guess I just never needed a symbol to show the world I was engaged as engagement was so temporary, the cost always seemed utterly pointless to me.

So my advice is don't bother with an engagement ring, buy a realllyyyy lovely wedding ring instead.

yanbu to want a ring but he is not bu to not want to buy jewellery on a payment plan. He sounds like a man with the right kind of attitude to money.

When we got engaged I knew there was no point in expecting an expensive ring because we were saving madly for the wedding and our first flat and DH's wallet has moths in and squeaks when it opens. If I hadn't married DH I'd probably have been in financial ruin in a couple of years so thank goodness one of us had a sensible head on their shoulders.

Anyway, my engagement ring is now 18 years old, it's silver with a blue topaz and it cost £40. I've considered upgrading it over the years, but I know I never will.

YANBU to want a ring. But you are BU to expect your very sensible DF to fork out over £1,000 for one. Why not have a stand-in that you take off when you are working. You could upgrade one day when you're financially settled. Or you might find you grow to love it too much to part with!

YANBU!! It's your money too, my husband and his first wife went halves on a second hand £10k ring 10 years ago. (Huge diamond does not mean happy marriage). £1,500 is not unreasonable. Have you looked into buying a second hand ring?

jewellers have recommended platinum Funny that, a jeweller recommending the most expensive option! If you are wanting to spend so much money do some independent research....

I'm with Lotta on the inherent sexism of the engagement ring.

OP, you sound like you've thoroughly bought into the whole engagement industry. Are you actually serious about wishing the man you (presumably) love hadn't proposed to you until he had bought you a 'proper' engagement ring in the requisite metal with the right kind of diamond???

Oh and to add, given the ridiculous amounts people spend on the day itself, leaving nothing but photos to show for it, I don't think 1-1.5k on something you can wear forever is really a big deal.

I agree it's a lot of money and in home improvement terms it could do quite a bit of decorating, but if you're the type to spend £10k+ on the wedding day, then 10% on the ring, which is the only bit to last past the day itself is not unreasonable.

'I'm going to marry you, here is a ring worth some money incase I disappear to the colonies/get shot in battle so that you aren't left destitute'

Yes, ok, but how is any of that relevant in 2015, where a woman is most likely working and earning her own money and may even be earning more than her man? Engagements and engagement rings belong in the dark ages as far as I can see. Everything to do with marriage could do with dragging into the modern world a bit

I have 2 white gold rings I have been wearing for the last 10 years. Neither have ever needed replacing. I haven't taken them off apart from during 2 pregnancies when my fingers swelled.

I completely understand your feelings however as i married h nearly 2 yrs ago and still don't have a wedding ring. We married in a rush and he promised it but after the fact, it no longer seemed important to him. He couldn't understand why it was so important to me as to him it seemed part of the wedding, not part of the marriage. Took a lot of explaining to get him to understand. He agreed to buy me an engagement ring and band but I think it was more to placate me then cos he thought he should.

I wonder if your df sees it the same way, as part of the asking, not part of the actual engagement?

I also agree that £1500 is a lot to spend if you don't have the money readily available (and he isn't prepared to use savings).
Can you/he save some each month with a view to buying it in say, a year?

I didn't have an engagement ring and my wedding ring is tungsten carbide. Hardest thing you'll find a ring made out of. Four years on and not a single mark on it. In fact, it scratches stuff I drag it along (including stone and bricks).

Re-reading your OP, he doesn't want to use your savings but doesn't want to use store credit, how is he planning on paying for it exactly?!

Does he think that one month you just won't need to eat or pay the bills and he will magically have a grand left in his current account?

Also, cheap as anything, about £20.

I agree diamonds are a fraud. Something of true value will sell to a dealer for a price that's in the same ballpark (if somewhat less) than the price the dealer will sell it for. I have read stories on-line of people trying to re-sell diamonds, or get a refund when an engagement falls though. In general this doesn't work. (I think sometimes the original jewellers will give a partial refund as a goodwill gesture, or to preserve their reputation, but try selling to someone else and you will get close to bugger-all.) The situation is completely different for gold, which is genuinely valuable, and buyers will compete to buy.

hopelessly An excellent post re: diamonds. They only cost so much because people are told they must pay so much for them. It's a completely artificial market.

It's a rock, people.

I understand where you're coming from, OP. I love my rings (as jewellery, not what they symbolise). In your position, I'd save up and buy the ring of my dreams myself. Check out estate and second hand jewellery shops for better prices.

Honestly, his buying a ring doesn't matter but if you would like one, sort it out yourself, far more satisfying because you don't need to compromise. I'm on my second version of my engagement ring...