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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is just awful. At my wits end

256 replies

mollygx · 25/02/2015 13:56

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 25/02/2015 19:42

Well my two penneth is that the bf isn't independent at all: he goes home to mum every weekend. Does he pay for his keep I wonder? Seriously his week day accommodation comes with the job, he could have saved up for his own place - at least a very sizeable deposit by now. If he wanted to.

It seems to me that OP wants the bf to do more of what she wants but the mother gets in the way of this because bf is considerate to his mother who he lives with at weekends.

My advice - either stick with it until bf decides he wants to get his own place with you or move on. But don't blame his mother. And, if she doesn't want you in her home, guess what, don't go there because it is incredibly disrespectful of you to do so.

Madamecastafiore · 25/02/2015 19:45

If someone left wine in my fridge especially if they had been there when I wasn't there when they are not welcome when I am there is bloody drink it.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 19:47

No. If you own a house you are entitled to say who is and isn't allowed in it.
And if I had said I didn't want someone in it and one of my children invited them round, at the very least there would be 'words'

I just wonder though what ops mil would do if the relationship does last, and progress to marriage and children.

Banning someone from your house is very severe thing to do. Many would never darken the door way ever again after that.

Has op behaved that badly to get such a harsh punishment.

I am just thinking down the line should op have a child with this man, who is going to be left out, pushed out and so on?

Its all very well banning people and standing by it and its your house, but this girl may carry her grandchild one day.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 19:49

And, if she doesn't want you in her home, guess what, don't go there because it is incredibly disrespectful of you to do so.

Do we know why op cant have her BF to her parents house?

Op move the action away from her house, life will move away from her anyway in the long run IF you stay with this man.

They are both young, we know how hard it is to get on the housing ladder, it was common for previous generations to live in the front room. Give them a break. Op its a learning experience for you.

scarletforya · 25/02/2015 19:50

You feel she doesn't like you and she barred you from her house. Fair enough, her house. But then you sneak into her house, where you know you're not welcome the minute her back is turned. That was really bratty.

As for; 'It's quite petty to not want someone in your house when your not even there' -the absolute cheek of you. She doesn't like you, it's her house. Learn your place. You weren't welcome there. How dare you go into her home when she's not there.

Not only do you do that but you then have the nerve to 'confront' her about wine you left in her fridge! Can you really not see how clueless that behaviour is?!

Yabvu

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 19:56

gatewalker Wed 25-Feb-15 15:50:00

Brilliant post, Gatewalker, op, this is the best post you have had. And advice, follow it, drive your own destiny and get out of this mess.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 19:58

Just one more thought op, you have been banned from this house and yet you still go there, so your BF still gets you there, his life is not affected. Maybe if you refused to go, it would help your BF clarify his own feelings for you as your not making it so easy for him either.

Number3cometome · 25/02/2015 20:01

Are you pregnant then OP?

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 20:02

Peony - but we don't know what the OP might have been saying to the Mother in the pub.

The phrase "In vino veritas" might well apply here Grin

raspberrywhitechocolate · 25/02/2015 20:13

didn't bother commenting so far because everything that needs to be said has been Grin but just read over OPs posts again and was wondering if anyone could clear this up for me?
I didn't go to her house for 6 months, I started going back round again once my boyfriend was home from his tour
Does this mean due to MILs requests OP just didn't go round when her boyfriend wasn't there? I have too many replies to that in my head already but not sure if I'm jumping to conclusions or if that's really the OPs compromise Grin

kitchentableagain · 25/02/2015 20:19
  1. Stop going to her home. Ever. Have him stay with you when he's home. If he chooses not to have a think about what that means.
  1. Stop telling her about arguments you have with DP and stop asking him to tell you what she has been saying about you. If you haven't done either of these things it means HE is reporting your fights to her and her insults to you. Have a think about what that means.
  1. Stop trying to contact her or socialise with her. Politely decline if he asks you to join him and her on a social outing. She doesn't like you and you can't "fix" it. If he repeatedly chooses to socialise with her rather than you have a think about what that means.
  1. Stop expecting her to want to "support" you when he's away. I get the sense that part of you enjoys the inevitable forces-wife "will he come home again" drama when he is away. Otherwise I cannot imagine what you might not "cope" with. You need to realise that although you love him in your own 21yo, known him for a while kind of way, to her that probably seems very silly and immature compared to her brought him into the world, looked after him his whole life would die/kill/crawl over broken glass in a lit petrol puddle love for him. She probably feels your "i hope he comes home safe" posturing is a pathetic insult to the depth of her love and fear for him. You might one day have a kid and understand both how much deeper your feelings for the father of it are than what you feel for dp now, and how deep your feelings are for that kid.
  1. Get your own place together. If he doesn't want to then have a think about what that means.

Even seriously toxic women often keep the love of their children OP. This woman doesn't sound hugely stable perhaps, but it doesn't sound to me like your DP thinks she's doing much wrong. Have a think about all of this. From this snapshot it sounds like she really doesn't like you, it's causing him strife and friction, and generally he'd rather have her happy than you.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

CrapBag · 25/02/2015 20:22

"How is it affecting her in any way if I go to her house whilst she is away for the weekend?
She may not want me there because we don't get along. And I don't want to be in her company either, but she was away visiting her son. Why wouldnt we stay in an empty house?

It's quite petty to not want someone in your house when your not even there"

Maybe she doesn't like you because you are utterly disrespectful? Just a thought.

KatieKaye · 25/02/2015 20:29

You and your boyfriend both need to grow up a bit.
He is not independent because he still lives with his Mum. Once he gets his own place, then he is independent.
You come across as immature and controlling. You do not "confront" people over two bottles of wine you left in their fridge. WTF were you thinking? that text was only ever going to do one thing - piss her off.
And please get over your obsession with talking about putting older people (including your own parents!) "in their place". Maybe once you've actually grown up a bit and got your own place then you can start to see how rude you are. I'm not surprised you have a troubled relationship with this lady.
Staying in her house when you knew you were not welcome (and had been expressly forbidden) was dreadful behaviour on your part and I'm not surprised she was hacked off with you. She has every right to say who she wants and does not want there and if your boyfriend does not ike the arrangements, then he should get his own place.

I wonder if the real source of your anger is that this relationship is not going anywhere? After three years you are both still at home, not "partners" in any way, but still just boyfriend and girlfriend. Time to think about what you want from life and what is the best way to achieve that. A tip - try to stand on your own two feet, learn some manners and stop deliberately antagonising people.

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 20:29

kitchen - great post!

Especially Number 4. - hits the nail right on the head!

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 20:32

I love the fact that op has said she has always tried to be polite but it sounds like after 3 years she has finally snapped, the ops MIL was awful to her other DIL for 8 long years and she does say she has never liked her from the start.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 20:32

sorry and most people have ignored this Grin and feel the wine and house more worthy.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 20:33

OP MN is strange I had a pil thread recently and thought I would get slated and wanted to hear both sides, I got total support!

natureplantar101 · 25/02/2015 20:46

A lot as in a lot of MILs hate women being around their sons or vice versa some women just cant handle that side of parenthood that eventually their DC will love someone other than them.

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 20:50

And "a lot" of MILs aren't like that nature.

"Lots" of people have lovely MIL.

And "lots" of people have horrible DIL...

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 21:02

True but what actual evidence do we have that op was so horrid to her Mil? We do know mil was awful to her other dil for 8 years. She has been with her son for 3 years, thats a long time.

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 21:06

We don't really know anything actually.

Just what the OP has told us.

And of course she is very objective about it all.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 21:09

All ops usually are Salm But I trust op when she says, she has never liked her from the start and she has tried to be polite. After 3 years of this I think anyone would snap and get petty.

Cherrychocolate · 25/02/2015 21:13

I don't know how you put up with her op. She sounds very manipulative. It seems you have always tried to make the effort, but had it thrown back in your face. I hope you can find a way to makes things better with her.

Pensionerpeep · 25/02/2015 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmAllImportant · 25/02/2015 21:24

It's quite petty to not want someone in your house when your not even there

You are showing such a shockingly tiny bit of self awareness that I am not surprised she doesn't like you much!

OK, so on MN we only ever get to see one side of the argument, but to be honest, you are not coming across as great.

If I had banned someone from MY home and they had come behind my back and stayed in MY home while knowing I was safely away for the weekend, I would be furious! It would not be OK at all! I would have done far more than drunk the persons wine!

Now, I saw this asked upthread, how did you know she had drunk the wine?

Please answer this time.

I have little inkling.................................