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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is just awful. At my wits end

256 replies

mollygx · 25/02/2015 13:56

I've been with my partner now for 3 years and I've never gotten along with his mother, she's gave me a hard time since day one.
His older brother is married and she gave his wife trouble for 8 years until they got married and she fell pregnant with he granddaughter which she then realised it needed to stop.
I could walk on water and she would say it's because I can't swim, I have never actually done anything to upset this woman, I have never said anything to her that would make her hate me as much as she does.
Her life is that sad she gets involved in mine and my partners relationship, any argument we have. She had to put her ten pence in all the time, We've had a few run ins but I've always tried to be polite an let it go over my head at the end of the day this is his mum I can't change that.
She kicked off on me on Christmas eve in the pub because she had a bottle of wine and I haven't been to her house since, apparently I'm not allowed round because I'm rude. She has actually banished me from her house, my partner still lives at home and so do I. So we spend all our time here because or her.

she went to visit her other son for the weekend and we decided to spend the weekend their to have some time alone. I took 2 bottles of wine and she has drank them when she returned home since I left them in her fridge, no text to ask me or anything. They weren't cheap either. So she doesn't like me but she's okay drinking something that belongs to me.

I text her to confront her and she has rang my partner calling me all the names under the sun. I'm at the point where I love him but it's getting so difficult she's making my life very hard and it's causing friction between us, because I don't feel like he's putting her in her place, he will say something to her then go back on his word. He always allows her to have her own way because it's easier, so he will say yes that's fine, yes yes yes! He runs around after her and she relies on him for anything and everything and he does it for her! and I'm sat here wondering am I wasting my time? He has made plans with me and then turned up really late because he promised to pick her on a Saturday night, which is our night to have a takeaway or go for a drink
It's getting ridiculous.
I appreciate she's his mum but you've gotta draw the line somewhere.
How am I ever gonna have a future when she will never accept me?

Any ideas anyone ?!

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 25/02/2015 17:57

OP, you don't even have to get a place to live with him. My husband and I got together aged 19 and didn't move in together until we were 26 BUT during that whole time we both had our own flats so that we had privacy and weren't sponging off our parents.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 25/02/2015 17:59

The wine was definitely left as a marker of territory.

Like a cat pissing in the garden.

Tangerineandturquoise · 25/02/2015 18:01

Anyone else think Molly has gone

Flambola · 25/02/2015 18:05

OP doesn't want to be told she's being unreasonable.

I've never read such hypocritical posts!

livsmommy · 25/02/2015 18:06

Sounds like you want more from her than she does you. And I would wonder what your boyfriend is saying to his mum when you are not there.

TinLizzie · 25/02/2015 18:07

I think (hope) that OP is now in a better position to perhaps understand why her boyfriend's mother feels the ways she does.

OP - you sound like quite an immature 21 year old, but that's not to say that you can't learn. We've all acted in a way that we later perhaps...cringe at and from what you've written, you're going to be experiencing that at some point when you're all growed up.

Both you and your boyfriend are too old to be behaving in this way and basically riding rough-shod over his mother's expectations. It doesn't matter that she had a go at you in the pub - she may well have been justified (although I find it quite distasteful personally), but your arrogance about her banning you from her home is quite stunning. Put simply, you do not go there, whether she is home or not, and you have to learn to respect that decision. It's her home and her sanctuary and you were wrong to be so disrespectful, no matter whether your boyfriend invited you or not.

Your behaviour (and remember, we can only make an assumption by what you've written) is infantile and very silly so it's hardly surprising that his mother feels the way she does, and that you've had some of the responses you have had here. If you treat your parents in the same way, where do you think you would be without a roof over your head? You need to learn some gratitude - you're too old to be saying "it's not fair".

Start by being respectful and you might...just might...see an improvement.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2015 18:17

Aww bless.... the rude pedant has brought a chum.

Peony58890 · 25/02/2015 18:19

If someone left wine in my house, I'd assume they had left it for me to drink. I'd assume it was a thankyou for accommodating guests. You had a free stay in her house and could have text her to thank her rather then challenging her about drinking the wine. You could have built bridges but you chose to be accusatory.

She does sound like she has an alcohol problem though, drinking bottles of wine and being verbally boundaryless

At the end of the day it is her house though and not your partners

DontDrinkandFacebook · 25/02/2015 18:22

I'm loving the idea that a 21 year old girl who still lives with her parents is complaining that her 22 year old boyfriend should be putting his mother 'in her place'

Awadebumbo · 25/02/2015 18:23

OP if I'm honest you haven't got a leg to stand in really with the wine thing. If someone had done to me what you have done to your BF's mum I'd be raging mad.

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 18:32

Peony - how do you know how long it took for the OPs boyfriend's Mum to drink the wine. It could have been a week!

And I'll bet the OP had a bit to drink too on Christmas Eve...

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 18:33

I'm not sure why I even care though to be honest

needaholidaynow · 25/02/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pressone · 25/02/2015 18:48

I think the problem here is how OP views her place in the boyfriends life - she obviously considers herself the equivalent of a wife (hence the use of the terms partner and MiL) who is only apart from him because of his job.

The boyfriend's mother sees her as a young transient girlfriend and that will only change when/if they live together/get married/have children.

Heaven knows what the boyfriend thinks probably just glad to get back to his ship!

Molly clearly sees herself as an equal to the Mother, and very few posters (and the Mother) just don't relate to that view at all.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2015 18:49

How is it affecting her in any way if I go to her house whilst she is away for the weekend?
She may not want me there because we don't get along. And I don't want to be in her company either, but she was away visiting her son. Why wouldnt we stay in an empty house?

It's quite petty to not want someone in your house when your not even there

No. If you own a house you are entitled to say who is and isn't allowed in it.
And if I had said I didn't want someone in it and one of my children invited them round, at the very least there would be 'words'. Your B/F isn't living there enough to have a say.

And he wouldn't be putting me 'in my place' either. He might find that that's where he was...

You have both behaved badly.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 25/02/2015 18:49

Now the being drunk and having a seasonal fight, I can understand. My (now) mil, when DH was a DP, got drunk one Christmas and had a massive, horrible go at me. She didn't like me (still doesn't) and everything she had bottled up came out - she was vicious, it was very upsetting. Luckily DP supported me, much more trauma and a couple of decades later neither I nor him are in contact with her.

So I can believe that....but you do sound immature, rude and confrontational. I think though, we really need the exact wording of the text you sent over the wine...please share

natureplantar101 · 25/02/2015 19:01

Its what a lot of MILs are like molly.My MIL is satan in disguise she spews nothing but venom refuses to talk instead of shrieking her words and im sure she has some MH issues that really need addressing my views about her fall on deaf ears though she's 'just like that' and 'that's just her' join the club

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2015 19:11

That's quite sweeping, nature... it could, by the same token, be said that there are a lot of DILs (and wannabe's) like the OP. Without knowing the circumstances and more than one version of events, who can say who's wrong?

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 19:23

What do you mean by "a lot" then nature?

A sizeable minority?

The majority?

Let's be accurate here.

I'm a MIL and I also have a MIL (who is difficult but loves her son and grandchildren etc. - it's just that her and I don't get on that well) by the way.

TidyDancer · 25/02/2015 19:26

Op, you keep saying she is rude to you and says things etc, but what do you mean by this? So far you sound as bad as each other and that's probably why you're not getting much sympathy.

Very bad idea to go to the house of someone who doesn't like you. And very rude to text her.

Salmotrutta · 25/02/2015 19:26

And nature it's not the OP's MIL.

The OP is just the girlfriend and she does not live with the partner.

Idiotdh · 25/02/2015 19:27

I think OP is seeing the house as her boyfriends house when actually, it's his mums house..It's a sad fact of growing up that you move into your own places and don't live with your parents anymore and begin to understand that although its your childhood home, it's not actually your own house, it belongs entirely to your parents and even living there depends on them being happy with that arrangement.

So you have no right to go to your boyfriends house..only if you are invited by his mum. And from where I'm sitting that isn't looking too likely right now, is it.
You are overly entitled and its time to get your own flat or your boyfriend just comes over to our place.
When or if, you move to the next level, it will be time to live independently in rented flats or even together in a flat if its that serious.

Your "mil" can only dictate about her own house but you can't go there!

Idiotdh · 25/02/2015 19:28

Your place

Peony58890 · 25/02/2015 19:36

Salmo - the mother was clearly effected by drink in the pub

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 25/02/2015 19:41

Op I think you have been given a hard time too, Yes you sound young Yes some things you have said sound petty but I dont understand why people have turned on you.

My DP didn't really get on but we all lived together and I had many siblings one had a Dh who was hated by DF but came round, when DF was away with DM so she could see him and host him too, as dsis and her DH hosted us at their house, so Dm felt it was fine.

Through the years many BF and GF came through the doors. it was all our home.

I am just wondering how I would feel if I was ops, MIL, in that someone banned came to the house...I am not sure unless I really thought they were bad, I would care.

Op, why not just get him round to your house?

Everyone is saying op is young but it doesn't seem ops MIL is giving any leeway for this.

Ultimalty as others have said - you need to address the relationship with your BF and whether its going any where.

As for sorting out his mum, if my DP said something that was not fair about any BF or indeed Friend i HAD I had no problems, standing up for them, not in a nasty way but saying, well this meant this or give them a break they just had x...or they love me, and do x y z for me, other BF didnt do this and so on.

It is possible to stand up for those you love and be diplomatic about it.

If parents dont listen, thats their business.

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