The last thing I want to do is upset anyone but I have never understood gender disappointment. (Possible unintended triggers)

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Just that really. Does it matter if you have for example. 5 boys or 5 girls as long as the baby is healthy. How can anyone be disappointed in their own child.
Prepared to be flamed. I've been on MN long enough to know how it works

My DH hates his mother. He pretty much ignores her and hasn't been keeping her up to date on my pregnancy, it's been down to me. How I look forward to it all when our son is grown up!

I don't understand gender disappointment at all either - but I still felt it! Feelings can be pretty irrational you know!

I desperately wanted a DS when pg with DD1. When she was born I had a momentary flash of disappointment before it was subsumed into overwhelming love. So, I wanted HER of course, but I also wanted a DS. When pg with DD2 I didn't ask her sex at the scan, but was pretty convinced from what I had seen that she was a girl, and I was right. I felt quite sad and worried during pregnancy, but didn't dare discuss it with anyone except one very close friend as I was scared of being judged. I was worried I wouldn't want her... how wrong could I have been. Of course I loved and adored her and would't have had anything different for the world, but that didn't make wanting a DS go away.

When pg with DS I was convinced it would be another DD and was reconciled to that, so was utterly shocked and so happy when I was told at the scan that he was a boy.

So now I have two DDs and a DS. I do not love DS any more than the DDs - I love them all just as much and in their own way. But I WANTED a DS, I really did. I wonder if we would have gone on to have a 4th if he had been a girl.

It is stupid and irrational, but that doesn't make it any less real or compelling if you feel it.

No I am not suggesting that at all Chic. Nowhere did I write or imply that. Please do not put words into my mouth that I did not say.

Chic not chic.

NellyTheElephant so glad to hear you say that as it is exactly how I feel and I'd been feeling so guilty about it....but can't control feelings!!

I was disappointed my first was a boy but my word do I love him to bits. Then when I found out my second was a girl, I was shocked at how much that thrilled me. It was weird. But yes, the most important thing is that they are healthy, you sound stupid to even point that out to any parent. But once you know it's healthy, it's hard not to speculate and for some, have a preference regarding the sex.

living I agree completely with this. In my non-scientific study of extended family, I've had a think about my brother, father, uncles etc. and this is how each one relates to their mother:

Brother: sees my mother at least twice a week. Very doting.
Husband: calls my MIL almost every day on the phone; sees her twice a week
Father: visited his late mother once a week; still talks about her in fond, teary terms, and she's been gone a decade.
Uncle J: sees my grandmother once a week; always doing odd jobs for her around the home
Uncle S: lost his mother last year; absolutely devastated and thought the world of her
Uncle J: dislikes his late mother, as she abandoned him as a child
Uncle A: bought his mother a cottage across the street from family home; loves her to bits, and she's always invited to our family parties
Uncle G: bit of a loner, loved his late mother but finds it hard to express feelings

Sorry to go on, but it drives me to exasperation, this whole nonsense about boys drifting away from their families. Yes, it happens, but it's not nearly as common as what's made out on MN.

My eldest dsis very like me. but thats because we liked the same things.Like cinema and eating out.Hes 20 now and we still do things together.

This mother/daughter thing really irks me ,just because you have the same bits doesnt mean you will get on.

It depends on so many factors though. I was delighted to be expecting a boy because it felt new and refreshing coming from a family with a lot of girls in it. I hated having sisters and have never been able to identify with people who talk about that sisterly bond. Mine were, and remain, beastly. I am cut from different cloth and had quite a different upbringing (different schools etc) and feel very little connection to them beyond dutiful family stuff. My parents are good people but I think they made a lot of mistakes.

But a son - that felt exciting, something I could deal with without any baggage, I was so relieved I wouldn't have to parent a female child or have to manage a "sister" in the house. Yes, totally influenced by my own childhood but not entirely irrational. I always hoped I would never have daughters. Or, at least, no more than 1 in order that I never had to give that child a sister. So having a boy first was perfect in terms of the possibility of having two children.

Anyway, the poster who had a go at people for wanting their child to be healthy..yes, I agree it's a really wanky thing to say but only becaus it's so bleeding obvious that everyone wants their baby to be healthy. It doesn't mean you would reject an unhealthy baby, just that it would hardly be your preference.

That should be ds not dsis

I wanted a boy first and then a girl so that she would have big bro to look after her (I know im stereotyping ) I got them in that order although DD is a tomboy and DS is quite happy to sit and snuggle im now expecting dc3 and would like another boy. simply because I think it would be easier than having two girls only 19 months apart. of course if this one is a girl then she will be loved and cherished regardless and I won't be disappointed but I understand wanting one or the other. it doesn't mean that the children you have arent wanted!

BigCatFace surely that's more down to the person your MIL is and not the fact your DH is a boy?

I agree. My MIL trots out that boys bugger off when they find a wife poem all the time. She really does believe it as it is what happened with her and her DB. She was very close to her DM, best friends and so was her DB until he got married.

However, me and DH live literally a 1 min walk away from MIL and FIL. Visit regularly, they babysit, we go on holidays and away for days out. DH rings her every day and asks her opinion on things.

I used to think that if you had your heart set on having a girl or boy to the extent that you would be disappointed with the opposite sex then you probably shouldn't have a baby.

I had a boy first and when I found out that I was having another boy I was so happy I cried, I try to bring my children up without inflicting gender stereotypes on them but the thought of 2 brothers close in age made me very happy, I'm not sure why, my logical brain says it doesn't matter which genitals your dc have but my guy reaction was happiness and relief.

I suffered badly from gender disappointment when I found out the sex of my first baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact.

I now know I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the gender of the baby. I hated, hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I didn't like girls and felt that my life was ruined. I thought that I would never accept it. Any support I could find was geared towards women who wanted girls but were carrying boys, which made me feel much worse.

I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital- think about speaking to your midwife about this. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. Most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.

I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my mother and issues I had with my own gender. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did- I think there are positives aspects to finding out the gender and dealing with issues before your baby is born, even if you can't see or feel them now.

And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was an Angie.

I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated.

I loved her a million times more than an imaginary son- but I had no way of knowing that until she was born.

I now have two fantastic girls, and couldn't be happier with my family. It feels complete. We're done

"I used to think that if you had your heart set on having a girl or boy to the extent that you would be disappointed with the opposite sex then you probably shouldn't have a baby."

I can see why you might think that, but TBH I had no idea of the strength of my feelings until I got pregnant by accident. It really shocked me.

Btw OP, I think your thread title is a lie. I think stirring the pot was precisely your intention.

Yeah whatevs OP. You don't understand it, lucky you. When my DS was born my only though was who are you and why do I have to look after you? Of course, I had galloping PND which was making me feel that way but god I wanted a girl.

I remember one low point, walking through marks and sparks and having to avert my eyes from the happy, bright girls clothes as I walked to the sludgy, grey department.

I got treatment, got better, bonded with my son. It's all great now and of course I wouldn't change him for the world. But I'm sick of being told oh it's so shallow to want a girl, what difference does a vagina make etc.

For me, I just felt so alien from the whole boy world. I am a girl. I speak fluent female. Men are lovely but I've never understood the buggers. I wanted one like me.

And sorry but no, it's not just a vagina. Men and women are usually very different. If they were the same, there would be a website called Dadsnet rammed with reams of heartfelt posts from men desperate to solve their relationship issues, share parenting advice and offload about their complicated family situs.

But there isn't. Men are different.

I'm quickly realising that in my own world, having a boy is like winning the parenting lottery. I'm a fundamentally lazy person and I love seeing DP and DS swan off to do sporty outdoor stuff and giving me precious sofa time. Sure, girls love that stuff too but experience has shown me that as they approach puberty their desire to get muddy lessens.

I have a radical feminist mother, who tried to bring us up as 'gender free' as possible. I admire her for that, she was very brave. But I'm still a fairly stereotypical woman in most ways, and my brother is your average bloke, although he knows who Andrea Dworkin is.

I'm thrilled to have a son. I can't wait to watch him grow and become a man. I'm cured of wanting a girl. But those early days were hell, and if op doesn't understand then I don't give a fuck.

When I was pregnant with my first I was certain baby was a boy, it wasn't even a preference it was a certainty. I couldn't picture baby being a girl, brought boy clothes before the 20 week scan and spent a lot time choosing a boy's name (we had a list of girl's names but the boy's name was properly worked out).

He was a boy, I don't know how I would have felt had he not been.

I only planned on having two children and wanted my next baby to be a girl, we followed some of the old wives tales on having a girl. Not excessively so and I didn't fixate on it but it was always there the hope to have a girl.

My first ultra sound (10 week one?) was slightly delayed due to booking and more detailed for various reasons so I asked the ultrasound technician if she could give me an educated guess at gender. They aren't really allowed to that due to the risk of gender based abortions I assume. I was persuasive apparently because she told me she thought baby was a boy. The first thought that popped in to my head was 'that is exactly right' and I was fine with that ever since.

When I went for my midwife check up when I was past my due date she made a random remark about wouldn't it be nice if they had gotten it wrong and I was having a girl so I would have one of each. I was gutted, I had gotten so excited about my boy that I didn't want them to be wrong.

Baby was in fact a boy.

I am not planning on having any more children but if I were to I have a strong preference for another boy even though it isn't ideal in my case. Both my boys are autistic so any future children would stand a high chance of being autistic as well and a girl would be less at risk.

I am sure I would get my head round having a baby girl, I think I am just used to having little boys now. No more babies though so I don't have to consider it.

I do find it interesting how many people automatically assume I will try for a girl because I have had two boys. Now my youngest is two I am starting to be asked when (when not if) I will try for a girl.

It is particularly odd to me people would ask since my boys have significant additional needs. I would have thought people would consider we already have a lot to deal with and adding another baby wouldn't be a good idea. It seems some people place a huge amount of importance on having on of each though or assume that I do.

I get it. With my first pregnancy I desperately wanted a girl. I've always seen myself with a little girl. I never saw myself with a boy. I can't explain why, I've just always proffered the thought of s daughter rather than a son.

I used to joke that if the baby was a boy he could go back to where he came from. Then, at my 20 week scan we were told baby was a boy ( I was surprised to be so pleased ) but he was really poorly. He died a month later.

I blamed myself and still do. The world heard me say I didn't want a boy and he got took because I didn't appreciate being able to have a baby.

Fell pregnant twice after my son but they didn't stay. I couldn't of cared less if they were boys or girls, I just wanted them to stay.

Now, nearly 2 years later, I have my little girl. But she came at a price. She'll never know her big brother and that's my fault for bring selfish.

I do get why people have a preference. It can't be explained most of the time. But never again will I be bothered what baby j get. As long as their happy and healthy that's all that matters

Blimey. Triggering? Some people lead very sheltered lives. Triggering for me is when my dog used to shit himself every time a car backfired because he was with us when we were having the fuck bombed out of us in Baghdad and never forgot it. I seriously question the judgement of people who think that this is a Triggering thread. Shit stirring and mocking yes but that's all.

I have 2 boys, and I'm not having any more kids.

I was pretty sad when I found out my second was not a girl (I was indifferent for the first).

I find it incredibly irritating and dismissive when people assume that women who want a girl do so because they want to paint her nails.

I know what you mean. I have never once painted my nails in my life!

HappiestIveEverBeen your post was so sad, I'm so sorry that happened to you. It so was not your fault. I really don't think there's anything wrong in wanting one more than the other, you can't help how you feel and you would have loved him exactly the same either way x

I do imagine if I'm being honest that I'd be initially a bit disappointed to have a boy- but I'm sure we'd grow to like him eventually

You would be sure you would grow to "like" your own child eventually?

And what exactly is there to be smug about having girls?