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Original poster

The last thing I want to do is upset anyone but I have never understood gender disappointment. (Possible unintended triggers)

142 replies

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2015 00:53

Just that really. Does it matter if you have for example. 5 boys or 5 girls as long as the baby is healthy. How can anyone be disappointed in their own child.
Prepared to be flamed. I've been on MN long enough to know how it works

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 25/02/2015 01:01

Being completely honest I would be disappointed if I never had a dd as a mother. I don't feel the same way about not having a ds.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 25/02/2015 01:10

Same as fluffymouse. Is totally irrational and I don't really know why.

UterusUterusGhali · 25/02/2015 01:14

Why would this be triggering?

I desperately wanted a girl first, but had one.
I know people who have so wanted a particular sex they found out so they could get used to it.

I dunno. I've got both and I think I'm v lucky. I'm sure it must be frustrating, but in an "I never visited Iceland" kinda way.

Original poster
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2015 01:14

I have noticed a lot of G.D. seems to be aimed at boys. I have a nephew. Boys are adorable. He's a real aunties boy.

OP posts:
Florrieboo · 25/02/2015 01:15

I always wanted a DD, I was not disappointed when I had my DS's because I loved them from the second I had them but, I would have been disappointed if I had never had a DD. You don't have to understand it, you should just be glad that you have not experienced it. Some people suffer very badly from it.

McKayz · 25/02/2015 01:15

I think most gender disappointment goes once the baby is born.

I really wanted DC2 to be a girl but when we found out at the scan we were having a second boy I was really happy.

sleepywombat · 25/02/2015 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2015 01:17

It could be triggering, Uterus because some people could be feeling guilty due to past or current feelings on G.D

OP posts:
LuvMyBoyz · 25/02/2015 01:20

I love my boys but so wanted a girl. Mother-daughter relationships are so different from those with sons. I wanted what my mother has with me and my sister.

BiancaDelRio · 25/02/2015 01:22

I understand why people have preferences.

I'm not saying it's ok to let those preferences manifest in any negative way but I understand them.

When I was pregnant with DC1 I had a preference for a boy (it wasn't a strong desire). Doesn't take Frasier to work out that it was because I had a very difficult relationship with my own mother and I was terrified of history repeating itself with a girl.

As soon as DD was born all those worries dissipated and I loved her with the ferocity of a million dragons. We are now exceptionally close and it is a source of pride to me to know that we'll never be like me and my mother.

When pregnant with DC2 I wanted a girl because I knew girls. I knew how to deal with foofs and boobs and PMT and all other girl things. I did not know how to deal with willies and willy fiddlers and other boy things Grin .

Of course I had a DS who is now 6 months old and just as amazing and adored as DD.

We're only human. We have fears and desires. As long as they don't make us anything other than the best parent we can be then that's ok.

Original poster
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2015 01:24

Sorry Sleepy. Didnt mean to upset you.

OP posts:
limegoldfinewine · 25/02/2015 01:33

I think part of it (for me at least) is that as a woman, I feel like I've had to fight for certain things and overcome certain things. And now I've learned those lessons, there is a part of me that would be devastated if I couldn't pass them on to a daughter. Like I've learned confidence and body acceptance and how to flourish as a woman despite a patriarchal society. Yes, you can have a boy and teach him not to rape and be a good husband or whatever, but it's different.

It's kind of like being on mumsnet. It's women dominated and centered around women's experiences. It's not a "girly" forum. But it's about women's experiences. It's not shallow to want that.

EstRusMum · 25/02/2015 01:33

I was disappointed when got my DS and I am so ashamed of it now. I think those feelings passed when he first smiled to me. Now I also have a tiny DD and I am probably the happiest woman in the world. Smile

BigCatFace · 25/02/2015 01:38

I've had it for a boy for the reasons limegoldfinewine says, and other, deeper reasons that are probably flameworthy such as a distrust and probably honestly a dislike of boys and men due to being abused by men. I am scared I am going to raise an abusive man.

CarlaVeloso · 25/02/2015 01:40

Mother-daughter relationships are so different from those with sons. I wanted what my mother has with me and my sister.

How do you know this?

The fact that you are close to your mother is because of who you are, not because of your vagina. My mother has two daughters. She's very close to one of them. The other - nothing.

People who had happy childhoods often want to replicate what they had. Similarly, those of us who loathed having sisters were overjoyed to be carrying boys.

It's different for everyone. I absolutely hate it when people speak in absolutes about how "every woman wants a daughter". No. They. Don't.

BigCatFace · 25/02/2015 01:42

And I know that is irrational and just a transference of my worry about being a good parent. My husband is a wonderful man and I know so many more wonderful men.

Greythorne · 25/02/2015 02:04

I think people who say 'as long as it's healthy' are more annoying than those who express a gender preference.
It smacks of eugenics and a totally misplaced sense of moral high ground.

however · 25/02/2015 02:32

I was pretty grateful that mine were healthy. It's certainly preferable to the alternative.

I get disappointment. What I don't get is that self indulgent lingering sadness about not having a 'balanced family' and sad feelings long after the event.

Really. Get over it.

stopgap · 25/02/2015 03:08

I think a lot of it depends on your upbringing. My brother, my husband, my father: all utterly devoted to their mothers, and bend over backwards to see them frequently.

Me: dreadful relationship with my mother until my early twenties, and even now we are on good terms, but don't have that cutesy, gossipy relationship.

I was relieved to have boys, to be honest. I would have been happy with a girl, but to be honest, a little fearful about history repeating itself.

Writerwannabe83 · 25/02/2015 05:55

I have a DS and we found out the sex at 16 weeks. I was convinced I was having a girl but in no way had a preference for one and was overjoyed to be told it was a boy just as much as if we'd been told it was a girl. My DH on the other hand really wanted a boy so he was over the moon. I know that if it had been a DD he would still be happy and excited but part of him would be disappointed too.

We aren't sure if we will have another child but if we do I don't have any preference for any sex. I certainly don't have any deep longing for a DD just because I'm female Grin

VeryLazyNameChange · 25/02/2015 05:58

What is there to understand? It's an emotional reaction. I don't understand why some people hate to wear yellow, or are disappointed in receiving a gift or are scared of spiders. Doesn't mean I feel the need to demand an explanation.

You sound quite naive to be honest. Of course the are people disappointed in their child. I've been nothing but a disappointment to my parents. I don't follow their ideals i.e. do everything they how tell me to, i let my children watch television, let them decide how to dress, let them talk at the meal table etc. I chose what to study at university (still not forgiven, my parents used to tell people I was studying something related to my sisters degree) and didn't follow my siblings into the same job field. I'm the one family member who is never mentioned in the Christmas letter. I am always compared to my sister and found wanting.

And yes, I was horrified that I would have a DD. And yes, I cried and managed to stammer "at least she's healthy" at the scan much to the amusement of DH and the Dr. I feared MIL (no girls in the family for a couple of generations), that she would be like me, that I wouldn't know what to do with her hair if she wants long hair when she's older, that I would be judged for dressing her in trousers and tshirt rather than an outfit. Once she arrived, I got used to the idea. MIL showed no interest in her whatsoever, she chooses her own clothes every day and is far easier than DS ever was! I feel guilty for hating every second of the pregnancy. I also spent every second of the pregnancy petrified that I would lose her as it would serve me right for for not wanting to have a DD.

Fortunately I have friends who don't judge me for this (at least not to my face), who give me advice on girly things I have no clue about and pass on lots of clothes for her, and don't feel the need to make me feel (more) guilty with their patronising "oh, I don't understand how anyone could feel like that" self righteousness.

mytartanscarf · 25/02/2015 06:58

This won't be a popular view, but my experience of men is that they tend to move on when they get a better offer.

If I had a son, I would fully expect to only vaguely feature in his life when he grew and married and had a family unless I had a very close relationship with a DIL.

There was a lovely refreshingly honest thread about this a while back but it was in 'chat' so may have disappeared.

Silvercatowner · 25/02/2015 07:05

Why do you need to understand? These are clearly genuine feelings for many people and will be whether you understand them or not.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/02/2015 07:07

Sort of agree with greythorne here

ChipDip · 25/02/2015 07:10

What is so boggling to you about this? Some people have a preference for whatever reason and so it is. You don't have to understand other people's feelings, just your own.

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