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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our neighbour...

369 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/02/2015 21:28

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

OP posts:
mamadoc · 06/04/2015 19:49

Sorry that you are no further forward.

I don't think it is his daughter's responsibility actually. She has no obligation to be involved and in fact no real power to help.

The people who might help are statutory services ie police, health and social care. I think it is pretty terrible that adult safeguarding would not talk to you. You wanted to report a concern. Surely anyone has a right to do that even if not a relative.

My suggestions are

  1. Who owns the flats? Landlord? Council? Can you complain to the management as he is harassing you in your home. Housing can get involved and move someone to a more appropriate place if it is local authority.
  1. Police. You can and should report the harassment. He will not get in trouble but the police will pass on an alert to the mental health team, the GP and social services about any vulnerable adult where they deem it necessary.
  1. Usually there is a folder left by the care company to record their daily notes and in the front are a lot of useful contact numbers ie for agency manager, next of kin, GP and social worker (if they arranged the care). You would need to ask his consent but perhaps he would allow you to ring these people (ideally from his house with him there) and report what he is saying about the bugging and feeling unsafe in his own home. They will then have to log this concern and take action.
mamadoc · 06/04/2015 19:57

Don't worry at all about involving police. They are used to dealing with these kind of things. In my experience they are kind and not frightening and he will not be in trouble. Once it is obvious that he has MH problems they will send out a safeguarding alert and this is a good way of mobilising a response. I work in elderly mental health and we get a fair few referrals this way.

MissyMistress402 · 06/04/2015 20:47

Police for definite, they can sign post at the very least or get the ball rolling.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 19:08

Well something seems to be happening today. His carer turned up with a youngish man, and they were with him for about two hours. I suspect social services, as it clearly wasn't a new carer introduction. Neighbour stopped me on the stairs tonight (well he was actually waiting outside our flat as usual), saying his daughter was coming up tomorrow, and could we drop off the spare keys he leaves with us? Hoorah. So DH will hopefully call the daughter tonight, and give her some background on what to expect when she arrives.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 19:23

I have just answered the door to him again. He has been tap tap tapping for the past twenty minutes. Can he have the keys? Yes, as soon as DH gets in. No, I don't know when he will be in, but it won't be long. Do I know where the keys are? No, I don't. Can he come in and look for them? No he can't. DH will bring them in as soon as he is home. When will that be? People are stealing his post/breaking into his flat/spying on him.

I really, really cannot fucking stand any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 19:56

He is still standing outside our door. DH still not home and no idea where he is, as his phone is either turned off or out of battery. AngrySad

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 20:25

I've answered the door to him again. He doesn't want to go into his flat, so is going to check into a hotel. Please God, let him do so, so that I don't have any more interruptions tonight.

OP posts:
lastuseraccount123 · 07/04/2015 20:39

would you call police?

MoanCollins · 07/04/2015 20:42

I know you think he's paranoid but it's possible he's right. My Grandmother was largely estranged from the family and died in her mid-80s and she was very dotty by then as well as being rather unpleasant. After she died we found out people had gained her trust so they let her into the house and then robbed her blind. She hid money and valuables around the place and they'd literally taken up the carpets and floorboards looking for stuff.

It does happen.

Icimoi · 07/04/2015 20:52

OP, were you able to contact his GP as suggested upthread?

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 20:53

I have told him to call the police. If he calls them often enough (he tells me that he calls 101 regularly but they take no notice of him and just give him a call reference number rather than send someone out), it might register that there is a problem (maybe it has, and this is why the man was here today).

Moan - there are no cameras or microphones in his flat, we've been up to check. And if someone was getting into his flat via the back door, we would hear it, because it is a bitch to open, and would wake the dead. And we would hear someone walking around up there at night, as he has creaky floorboards! I do get what you are saying, but his story about who is going to rob/murder him changes every day. Last week it was one of his ex wives, another time it has been his daughter. This week it is the man who is stealing his identity.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 20:55

Icimoi - I don't know who his GP is, unfortunately. All I know is that he isn't registered with our GP. But there are about 6 practices around here that he could be registered with (Central London), so it is anyone's guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 07/04/2015 20:57

I want DH (who has gone awol) to get home, and call his daughter, to find out if she is coming tomorrow, and if she is, if she has been summoned by social services. I think there is no point in calling the police if she is coming up here with the view to moving him to sheltered accommodation or to go into hospital for a bit, to try and get his meds sorted out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 08/04/2015 08:35

His daughter's not answering the phone. He has been outside our flat since 7.45 this morning. I am going to call the police on 101. I'm really, really at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
Excitedforxmas · 08/04/2015 08:39

I don't blame you he's harassing you

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 08/04/2015 08:50

Have phoned the police. They will come round to see me to discuss it, and have said they can alert safeguarding if necessary.

OP posts:
HeyheyheyGoodbye · 08/04/2015 08:51

I feel so sorry for you, OP. It's sad that he's vulnerable and lonely but it is NOT your responsibility and you are now being harassed in your own home. I really hope the police can help.

MidniteScribbler · 08/04/2015 08:54

Ill or not, this is harassment and you shouldn't have to live like this. You have been a good neighbour, but this has gone too far now.

TheClacksAreDown · 08/04/2015 09:20

Op, it isn't clear to me that you've ever actually been really clear with him that he is bothering you way too much and that you are unhappy with the constant interruptions. He clearly has significant issues and his perception is obviously off so I don't think he will pick up on this in a way you or I would.

ChangingTiming · 08/04/2015 09:29

Really hope you get somewhere today as you are going to end up ill yourself

Tanith · 08/04/2015 09:40

It wouldn't matter what she tells him, Clack: he'll forget. I well remember my grandfather in this situation and my step-FIL is now the same.

The only thing poor Op can do is to keep calling the police because no-one else will deal with it and they'll force the issue.

It took my grandfather to sit in someone's car, refusing to get out, before the police were involved and he was found residential care.

Unfortunately, Op has to be a thorn in their side until they take action just to get rid of her. "It's the squeaky gate that gets oiled" was a favourite saying of my grandfather's. In this situation, all too true!

Footle · 08/04/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 08/04/2015 12:30

Well let's hope the police do something. Awful that it's had to come to this but PPs are right - you'll become ill if you're forced to carry on being harassed like this. I know the old man doesn't mean it or necessarily know what he's doing, but the effect on you is the same. Good luck OP.

Footle · 08/04/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Excitedforxmas · 08/04/2015 19:23

Did you get any peace today?