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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our neighbour...

369 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/02/2015 21:28

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 08/04/2015 19:49

When I called the police I think my distress came out. But instead of calling me back to talk about it, they called me to say they were outside my block, and which flat was his? This was not given as an option to me when I called, and I was a bit taken aback. They then asked me if I thought he would object to them calling on him. I said I hoped he would think they were taking him seriously, given that he had made several calls to 101. She said they would have a chat with him and see what happened. No sign of him this evening at all, and no noise, so it's possible he has either gone off to hospital or home with his daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 21/05/2015 09:18

A quick update: the police are visiting the neighbour regularly - I think about once a week, and social services are involved more, and trying to get him to move to sheltered accommodation. Unfortunately the accommodation they have found him is a few miles away, and as all his friends are round here, he doesn't want to go. We have a large block of sheltered accommodation almost next door to us, and he would really like to go there, but there are no vacancies at present. I am not sure that he should be so close, as I think it entirely probable that he will forget that he has moved there, and will try to come back to his old flat! His daughter has made it quite clear to us that she doesn't want to be involved, for whatever reason, but will be up to clear the flat Hmm when he moves out (and presumably to sell it...).

He is still banging on our door, but not quite as much, and he does seem a bit more settled now that (as he sees it) the police are taking him seriously about people breaking into his flat and watching him. I think they will eventually find him somewhere to live, that is acceptable to him, as (I hope) it is now clear to everyone that he really can't live on his own.

Thanks for all of your help and support. Smile

OP posts:
Adarajames · 22/05/2015 00:01

Glad things are a bit calmer for you, you sound like a lovely neighbour, good to know some people still do care. Flowers

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 06/09/2015 18:52

Another update. Sad

He has now got a lot worse. He is banging on our door every morning, often before 7, and every night, too, often after midnight (and if we don't answer, he stands there banging until gone 2, and sleeps on the stairs). This week he has refused to go into his flat unless DH comes and checks first that there is no-one there. He has had a couple of taster nights in the sheltered accommodation and doesn't want to go there - his carer says he can't be forced to move. His DD doesn't want him to go into care, as the flat will presumably have to be sold, and care home fees will eat into her inheritance. Hmm None of his children have anything to do with him, apart from the youngest, who visits him every weekend, and sometimes stays over. But now he says he thinks she is spying on him too and putting cameras up in his flat, and that she and her mother come and move things around when he isn't there.

The police popped in to see us a few weeks ago and said there is nothing they can do, beyond keep an eye on him and alert social services. He's not bad enough to be sectioned.

I just feel my life's not my own any more. When I go out, he is standing outside my flat, on the landing. If I wrote a note and stuck it on the front door, saying "Please do not bang on this door", he would just ignore it. I just wish he would leave us alone. SadAngry

OP posts:
DontOpenDeadInside · 06/09/2015 19:14

Sorry you're still in this situation. I know nothing about this, but is it not classed as harassment? Can you not get a restraining order or something? I would hate this Sad

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 06/09/2015 19:18

I am not sure how a restraining order would work! He wouldn't understand or remember that it was in place? And how would they enforce it? He has to go past our flat to get to his anyway.

OP posts:
DontOpenDeadInside · 06/09/2015 19:21

Like I say I don't know much about it, just musing. But if you got a restraining order, and he keeps harassing you, they can arrest him (as awful as that is) then he might get bumped up the list for further help? Its so sad for the poor bloke, but its horrible for you to have to put up with it?
Also if his daighter knows he could get arrested, it might prompt her to persuade him to move?

AspieAndNT · 06/09/2015 19:25

This is absolutely dreadful. The only way SS or the Police are going to do anything is if you start kicking up a very vocal fuss. Therefore you phone the police when he is outside banging on your door and say someone is trying to break in - be hysterical if need be on the phone. DO this every-time he is banging at an unsocial hour.

Written complaint to Social Services about how they will be held personally responsible if he or your family come to harm - again you may need to exaggerate how scared you are, but eventually you may truly get to this level if he becomes violent and decides that you/DH are infact the intruders.

Unfortunatly we had to get tough when my Nan was becoming ill as that was the only way we got any support and care. When my Dad became ill I had to pull the "holding you personally responsible" line to get him the correct tests which proved he was actually terminally ill and not just "getting older".

maddening · 06/09/2015 19:25

hone his relatiVes every mOrning at 7am when he knocks and every time after that, phone social sr vices every day that he knocks - make it annoying for them as it is for you.

AspieAndNT · 06/09/2015 19:27

Sorry to ask - but I was following that thread mentioned about the BIL with SN and how the DH wanted him to live with him and family. It was all going to fall on the DW and she was understandably not happy.

Does anyone know the outcome?

GoooRooo · 06/09/2015 19:27

Mrs Schandenfreude I'm afraid I would start being rude to him and saying no, you won't check his flat and that you no longer want to speak to him at all. I would answer the door, but I would be very very short with him and shut the door in his face if necessary.

I would also write a letter to his daughter outlining everything, including a diary of all the times he's stood outside your flat for a week and how many times he's knocked on your door etc. I don't agree that it's okay for her to wash her hands of it - why should it be your responsibility and not hers?

I would then call the police every single time he knocks on the door and make a nuisance of myself with social services too.

It sounds like a living hell. What are the chances of you being able to move away?

GoooRooo · 06/09/2015 19:30

phone his relatiVes every mOrning at 7am when he knocks and every time after that

And yes to this too. Call his daughter every single time he knocks on your door. No matter what time it is. Even if it just goes to voicemail leaving a message every single time will give her a taste of what you're having to live with.

Palomb · 06/09/2015 19:30

This sounds absolutely awful for you :( I think phoning his relatives every single time he comes to your door would be a good start.

I'd also speak to the police and tell them you would like him warned for harrassment. It might get them to pull their finger out a bit of they think they might have to come and arrest him every day.

minionmadness · 06/09/2015 19:37

OP I would be making myself a right royal pain in the arse with his daughter, social services and the police.

I remember your thread and the fact that his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him (will be quite happy to take her inheritance though) but I would call her and the police/social services every single time he was banging on your door.

After so long they will all get thoroughly fed up and have to do something. You can't be expected to live like this... it's harassment.

Rarity08 · 06/09/2015 19:46

Op, what a nightmare for you. I second pp who say keep calling the dsughter and SS. You shouldn't have to live with this and he needs proper help.

wibbleywee · 06/09/2015 19:47

I feel so sorry for you but you need to toughen up and put an end to this, every time he bangs on the door or lurks outside, ring the police and demand they attend then ring his dd immediatly after to tell her what is hapening. Do this constantly 3, 4, 5 times a day if needed, they will soon get very very sick of it and hopefully put something in place.

Gnomic · 06/09/2015 19:48

He jolly well can be moved against his will if he is shown to not have capacity to make that decision.

I think if you are getting no joy from police, ss or his dd it's time to call in the court of protection and/or the office of the public guardian. Visit their websites for advice on setting in motion a capacity assessment and checking if anyone holds power of attorney for his health and welfare or finance and property.

If his dd has power of attorney then she is responsible for him and for his best interests. If there isn't an attorney in place and one is needed then there is a process for getting this sorted and putting a responsible person in place to look after his interests.

If the dd already has power of attorney and is not acting in his best interest, you can challenge her decisions. Again, check with OPG and COP website for guidance on how to do this.

I'm really sorry to hear you and he are being abandoned in this way. You will need to be well informed about your rights and the responsibilities of those who ought to be looking out for his welfare. Be polite and persistent. Good luck.

ArendelleQueen · 06/09/2015 20:06

Um Gnomic you cannot just contact the OPG for information. As a local authority, we have to prove our authenticity for obtaining information.

OP, I am a social worker for older adults and I'd say 75% of my case load are those with dementia. I'm currently dealing with 3 people who are behaving similarly to your neighbour. If you want to PM me, I can guide you through the next steps.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 06/09/2015 20:09

Thank you for your help and support. I am quite brusque with him, say "Not now" and shut the door. DH is more pleasant (although he is very sick of it too). We were looking after his cheque book for him until the other week (which gave him the excuse to come down and dither about whether he wanted his cheque book or not, one cheque or the whole book) but DH gave it back to him and told him we could no longer look after it. He has been married numerous times, has at least six children, and none of them will have anything to do with him, except the youngest.

I will call the police again in the morning, or drop in and have a word. Also off to google the court of protection and office of the public guardian.

OP posts:
ArendelleQueen · 06/09/2015 20:10

MrsS Honestly, don't bother with that. It's not the right information. I will message you later.

Gnomic · 06/09/2015 20:11

Um, you can look at their websites for advice and guidance though, which is what I am suggesting.

NynaevesSister · 06/09/2015 20:13

So sorry you're going through this. Nothing constructive to say. Just that you've been very nice and exceptionally patient with him where his family hasn't.

Gnomic · 06/09/2015 20:17

Sheesh AQ, did you mean to be so rude or did it just come over that way?

Like you, I am trying to help the OP by suggesting an angle that hasn't been tried yet, based on my own experience with elderly people with dementia.

Capacity and power of attorney issues are obviously going to be relevant, so OP would do well to be informed about them. You may not agree with this approach, but there's no need to rubbish it so out of hand.

DotaDay · 06/09/2015 20:25

What an awful situation. Could you install a fake doorbell just for him? Or what about a huge sign on the for telling him not to knock?

Zillie77 · 06/09/2015 20:29

You are a very lovely and caring person. The time has come to channel your inner bitch, though, and really let the police/other authorities/his children understand what you are experiencing.

It can't be pleasant for him, either, being paranoid and suspicious constantly. He would be happier, long-term, properly medicated, having his needs attended to by folks who are paid to do so.