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AIBU?

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Original poster

Our neighbour...

369 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/02/2015 21:28

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 23/02/2015 00:44

Noticing that other people have already labelled him as having "delusions" and being "paranoid" ... I would disagree and discourage this.

People who suffer with dementia as we know suffer greatly from memory problems .... They forget where they put things , money , important papers, keys .
The process they go through next is not paranoia , but "confabulation" - ie it is less distressing for their unconscious mind to create reasons for things going missing , ie "burglaries" than to accept the reality that their mind is deteriorating.

All very heartbreaking and scary for the gentleman.

fridayfreedom · 23/02/2015 00:47

Yes, I was going to say GP as well although it sounds like health and adult services need to be working together here.
If he was in a psychiatric hospital then he should have a community mental health team following him up.

Becles · 23/02/2015 06:36

Contact his practice and let them know.

nunkspugget · 23/02/2015 07:36

I can't believe people are suggesting op starts to harass his dd. She (dd) might be nc or lc. And, it might be nice if she took over his care but its certainly not her job. Maybe she knows if she is on the scene ss won't help him.

desertmum · 23/02/2015 07:49

if it's not the dd's job then whose is it? My parents were both very ill at the end of their lives and were looked after by family. Surely we all owe our families some kind of care and support at the end of their lives ? Part of the problem with society today in UK seems to be that it is always someone else's job. The DD needs to take responsibility, she can sell the flat and move him closer to her, or sell the flat and put him into assisted housing. And if she is NC with him then she won't mind if there is no inheritance.

Redhead11 · 23/02/2015 07:58

Delusions are not unusual in dementia cases. It sounds as though he does have dementia, and his carers should be reporting all these incidents to their supervisors. They, in turn, should be alerting SS. I would be contacting his DD every single time he approaches you. You have been amazing, but he is not your relative, and therefore you have done more than could possibly be expected. i can appreciate that he does not want to go into care and have to sell his flat, but he is rapidly approaching the point where he cannot live alone for his own safety.

FishWithABicycle · 23/02/2015 08:01

You are in an unsustainable position through no fault of your own you are being forced into being this man's de facto carer. His demands of you do amount to harassment - the fact that he's not mentally capable of behaving otherwise means that you need to involve officialdom to make it stop - and if you don't, it won't.

nunkspugget · 23/02/2015 08:31

But it isn't anything to do with his daughter! In fact, in your perfect vision of the world desertmum op should step up as his neighbour, as that's what 'good' neighbours do. His daughter has a life of her own no doubt, and shouldn't have to sacrifice it on the alter of 'duty'. Phoning her constantly is harassment, and if it were me I'd be changing my number and withdrawing more.

minionmadess · 23/02/2015 08:42

But it isn't anything to do with his daughter! In fact, in your perfect vision of the world desertmum op should step up as his neighbour, as that's what 'good' neighbours do. His daughter has a life of her own no doubt, and shouldn't have to sacrifice it on the alter of 'duty'

This attitude towards out elderly parents is what's wrong with our society today... Unbelievable. We could sure learn some lessons from other cultures.

Why would caring for her DF in his time of need not be her responsibility?

allypally999 · 23/02/2015 08:43

I think if he has to go into a nursing home (or wherever) and the flat is sold to fund this then the daughter only has herself to blame for losing her "inheritence".

You have been an angel but its not your problem so yes pass it on to daughter or SS. Then you can get some well-deserved rest! Flowers

nunkspugget · 23/02/2015 08:56

'These cultures' where women spend their entire lives in servitude?? Yeah, sounds great.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 23/02/2015 08:57

Blessed, you are spot on. I will PM you. I don't know who his doctor is, he's definitely not registered at the same clinic as we are.

DH said he has spoken to the neighbour's daughter a couple of times, and on each occasion, she has sighed and said "I will come up" (she lives about half an hour away) and hasn't done so. While I would agree that he isn't her responsibility, I think it is a courtesy to call her and let her know how he has been, if he's been having problems (as she gave us her phone number for this reason). This gives her the option of calling SS herself, or coming up to visit. She was indeed NC for about 20 years, and only got back in touch when the hospital contacted her as his next of kin.

I do worry about him being up there on his own. He has flooded our hall, from his bathroom, several times already, and I worry that setting fire to the kitchen will be the next thing.

OP posts:
nunkspugget · 23/02/2015 09:16

Id fit plenty of fire alarms in that case. And I know I'm coming across as cruel etc, but id start to freeze him out. No more cosy chats over tea, no more endlessly listening to his paranoid stories etc. Its all or nothing with needy and vulnerable people or they suck the kindness and joy out of you. As you seem to be discovering.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 23/02/2015 09:21

Hi Mrs - I'm just off to work - Iv had to reset my password to access my inbox and your message - so as soon as I have done all that I will get back to you this evening Smile

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 23/02/2015 09:24

Nunks - completely disagree btw - kindness to others can often create feelings of joy and happiness .

One person Can't change the world but we can change the world for one person.

minionmadess · 23/02/2015 09:26

'These cultures' where women spend their entire lives in servitude?? Yeah, sounds great

Don't be so ridiculous, that is not what I meant, and you know it. If this was my DF I certainly wouldn't be leaving it for his neighbour to sort out and frankly I don't know anyone who would... thankfully.

How is taking responsibility for your elderly parents when they are in need anything like what you are describing. I am not suggestion the dd takes on the 24/7 of her dd but she should be taking responsibility for dealing with his current situation. Even if that means contacting SS.

nunkspugget · 23/02/2015 09:27

Op is trying to avoid him already by changing work hours, I'm not feeling the overwhelming happiness from her posts.

CMOTDibbler · 23/02/2015 09:33

I think the DD is getting a hard time here. I have one parent with dementia, one who is very frail and cares for her. TBH, they aren't coping (though mum doesn't harass anyone).
But I can't make them do anything they don't want to. Even if mum was assessed as not being competent to make her own decisions and dad wasn't around (or not competent), I couldn't force her into residential care without going through a Deprivation of Liberty process.
Equally, I can't make them accept help they don't want, or force medication/ treatment they don't want (though I am 'lucky' enough to have power of attorney, so I could make some decisions if necessary.

Letting her know what is going on is helpful though as then she can try and get more help for him or try and get him to accept it. Its really, really hard even when you have a good relationship with your parents though.

worriedmum100 · 23/02/2015 09:48

Agree with pp who have said the dd is getting a hard time. We don't know what the family dynamic or history is. Its not always that black and white. She can't force him to go into care or even accept help. My parents live 4 hours away from my very elderly and frail grandfather. Until recently he has insisted on being in his own home and refused to move nearer to the rest of us when my grandmother died. There was nothing my parents could do about that. He is an adult who has to be left to make his own decisions. We have power of attorney but that only kicks in if he's incapable of making decisions and he isn't. All they could do was visit as often as was practical and rely on local neighbours and friends to keep an eye on him. My grandfather used to refuse consent for any neighbours or health professionals to even contact my parents. He had several falls where my parents didn't find out for days. I don't know what the best solution is in these circumstances is op but just wanted to put the other side across.

desertmum · 23/02/2015 10:41

but the op has stepped up and is finding it difficult which is understandable. It's not a question of servitude, but of helping family. Now I see she was NC for 20 years, which puts a different slant on it. But now she is in communication again perhaps she needs to do something to sort this out rather than leave the op to deal with it. It is a very sad time when people see helping out their family as servitude. I hope my DC don't feel that way about me when I am older and possibly need support.

minionmadess · 23/02/2015 10:54

It is a very sad time when people see helping out their family as servitude. I hope my DC don't feel that way about me when I am older and possibly need support

I'm sure they won't desertmum since you have compassion... some on this thread clearly don't.

NC or not, his dd is still next of kin and since the OP has already said that he want's to leave the house to his dd's, he still cares for them.

I wonder if either of them will be so slow to turn up to the will reading.

motherinferior · 23/02/2015 11:46

Helping out parents with whom one has always had a bad relationship is bloody awful, actually, I'm in that position at the moment and no way am I moving closer to them. I am prepared to do some stuff - more, I think, than this woman - but I resent it hugely. There is backstory here. There is always backstory. I am doing it out of duty not out of affection.

On the other hand I don't think my PITA parents are their neighbours' responsibility.

I think you need to make it absolutely clear to the DD that it's her job to ring SS etc and not answer the door to him. I realise though that both of those actions may be unfeasible. I'm so sorry.

motherinferior · 23/02/2015 11:47

'This woman' referred to the daughter, btw, not MrsS.

Whippet81 · 23/02/2015 12:07

I'm glad people are being supportive.

I had very similar with a man over the road - he kept trying to get into our house - particularly when he knew I was on my own. He got into my garden and was banging my bedroom window once when I had had an operation and was immobile.

I had a lot of 'friends' telling me it wasn't his fault and I should be more understanding and that he was 'harmless' but he was frightening me to death and like you I was scouting the area before I went out as he would be waiting for me on the drive. I couldn't wash my car, do the garden or anything.

You can't live like that - yes it's sad - terribly sad and it doesn't hurt to be kind but it's too much now. It ended up with the police being called a number of times as he was walking into people's gardens/houses and could get quite aggressive.

Obviously he didn't get in trouble but he was supported into a home where he was much safer and he visits home from time to time and seems much better and less confused.

Call his daughter - and put it very straight to her - don't worry about coming across as a bit shitty to be honest - write down everything that has happened for a week or so and say she needs to sort something out for him/come and see you or you will have to call social services for everyone's welfare.

fearandloathinginambridge · 23/02/2015 12:14

Gosh OP. I could have written that post about our late neighbour. My neighbour also had diagnosed mental health problems, was in his 80's, living alone with a daughter at the other end of the country. He believed the police and the council were monitoring him all the time, he believed a lady two doors along was being paid by the council to spy on him and her children to harass him. He was well known to the police, GP, local community for his slightly erratic behaviour and as he was getting older I think there was a component of dementia.

His house was a midden and he used to come across to our place a lot, I helped him with admin - speaking to the utilities when he forgot to pay his bills, helping him deal with various insurance claims for his car which he was forever crashing. He could talk the hind legs off a donkey and I have to say there were days when I just didn't answer the door or avoided going outside - I also work from home and could not always afford to give him the time. I think we did our bit though, as much as we could or wanted to do and fortunately other neighbours also picked up the slack.

The point I want to make though is, social services just weren't interested, nor was his GP. He mistrusted them and refused to engage with them. I think they all, being very busy, were happy to let him get on with his chaotic life as long as he wasn't endangering himself or others. It was quite an eye opener to realise that these services didn't swoop in and solve the problems. He refused to let them in his house anyway. So, you may not get the support you want from these agencies. I think the best thing to do is to just do as much as you are willing to do (or have to do in an emergency) and at all other times be firm and say no, sorry, it's just not convenient, or just don't answer the door. Can other neighbours chip in?

As for the daughter, as others have said, the relationship might be difficult or painful. It was with our neighbour and his daughter, I gather he was absent from her life and not terribly supportive so I can see why she wasn't interested. I really think getting aggro with the daughter is the wrong thing to do.