Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

Yes, but if no one engages, he carries on banging so they can't sleep anyway.

You've got to start ringing the police. Each and every time.

You're right, bigTillyMint, but after all there's more than one kind of "engagement." MrsS has said numerous times that they've talked with him for 15 minutes ... 40 minutes ... whatever, and I had in mind more a quiet, firm "NO" and a closed door instead of a lengthy conversation which effectively rewards the intrusion

I know she mentioned some plans for this week, though; let's just hope they make some difference

Yes, it was nearly midnight, and no, I didn't answer. No idea how long he stood there for - I went back to sleep and DH was away.

I have done the firm "No" or "No, I can't help. Please call the police if you are afraid." And closed the door. Many, many times. He merely stands on the landing looking confused, either just standing there for ages or (more usually) pausing for about ten minutes and then knocking again. I have walked past him in the morning and have said "I cannot speak to you - I am going to work now."

I've just started a new job that is quite full on, but will draft a letter to the head of social services tonight, cc'd to my MP asking what they plan to do about him.

I really feel for you. It is horrendous.

Maybe post your draft on here before you post it?

I would also recommend emailing it to your local community police, your local councillor, whoever owns the freehold on your block, the asb team at your local council, anyone in social services, any local mental health charities, age concern, the local ambulance service, the enquires email address at the local hospital and potentially the local media - it might be worth threatening this last one but making them aware that you know the email address and that that is your next step. Don't use BCC - copy them all in so they can see who else it has gone to.

This ain't going to get any better now unless you bring out the big guns.

It sounds as if he has MH issues possibly some kind of paranoia/dementia and SS needs to up their game. I see someone suggested crisis they would also be a good place to start. You are being so nice and you deserve help as well as him.

How would he react if you were to give him an instruction? You said when you can't help him he just stands looking confused, so I wondered if, say, telling him to go to bed, or to go and watch tv or something, might have an effect?

My MIL is much further gone in dementia than he is, but when she was a bit like him, she responded very well to instructions. He sounds like he has forgotten what his intention was, or his motication, so perhaps telling him something he can do would help. "Time for bed" "go back to sleep" etc.

Jux, I have said "Please go back to your flat" but he doesn't want to go back to his flat, because he thinks someone is there, going to kill him, or spy on him.

Op, have you tried broaching this issue with your MP?

MrsS, I know what you mean about your neighbour and his delusions. My mother has dementia and her delusions are just as real to her as the nose on my face. Nothing on God's Earth will ever convince her that what she thinks isn't real. Nothing. Today she was convinced that my husband, brother, and two sons had died. Absolutely nothing I said made a difference. I was 'mistaken', not her. She even talked to them on the phone but no more than 15 seconds afterwards she started in again about them being dead. Even if you were to take your neighbour to his flat, walk him around and show him it was empty, the minute you left the delusion would be back. So ignoring him is really the only thing you can do.

I hope you get some response to your letter!

How are things OP?

Just a quick update - our neighbour died this morning. He had been in hospital for the past two weeks and deteriorated quickly - DH went in to see him only yesterday and took him in a few bits that he had asked for. Predictably, his daughter was up in the flat clearing it out this afternoon. She was very tearful - probably grieving for the father she wished she had.

That's terrible but it must be - sorry to say - a relief for you.

Oh, MrsS that's sad.

You and your DH sound very, very kind and you really did everything you could to help. Wishing you a happy Xmas and New year, and I hope that you can get back to some normality and peace.

DH was very kind and patient with him (and the only person who visited him in hospital, apart from his youngest DD), and he is not normally a kind and patient person. Part of me is quite relieved, as he was encroaching on our "peaceful existence" more and more.

Mrs S, you were wonderful neighbours in a difficult situation. Your DH sounds lovely. Your neighbour and his adult DC were lucky to have you there but the DC were very ungrateful IMHO.

Sad but it couldn't have continued as it was.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas

Your relief is perfectly understandable - it was an intolerable situation and the poor man was obviously very unwell mentally. IMO his family and Social Services have failed in a duty of care and you were left to deal with with the result.

How sad.

"Social Services have failed in a duty of care and you were left to deal with with the result. flowers" I agree.

I'm not surprised you're relieved Mrs S. Sad situation. Well done for being so kind to him and to your DH for visiting.

If / when you have the energy, could you report everything that has happened (including using what you've said on this thread) to OFSTED so they can investigate the SS department concerned?