Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

fanjo, are you addressing me re: the swearing? The only remotely sweary word I used was "bloody", are you really that sensitive?

And I'm perfectly calm, thank you. Did you see shouty capitals or exclamation marks? What is wrong with you?

And actually, people with dementia can also be pricks. Having dementia doesn't preclude you from being a prick.

What's wrong with ME? Nothing.

Your attitude however is very rude.

What the what? My attitude is rude because I disagree with you, said the word "bloody" twice, then question you accusing me of things I didn't say?

Ok, dear

I think perhaps it's worth reminding ourselves that this thread was started in February. The op has been dealing with this for 9 months we know of, probably longer.

I think after 9 months something has to change be that telling the man to bugger off, going to the media, calling the police every single time he knocks or moving house.

The op has been a saint. I'd have lost my rag long ago.

Agreed, Palomb. But I'm a miserable anti-social cow

See im not antisocial in any way and for a few months I'd have been happy to help but the op is having the piss taken out of her by social services, the man, the mans family, the police, the mans doctor any anyone else who knows about the situation and is just leaving her to it.

This man is her neighbour, not her father, husband or child. She has no reaponsibility for him yes he is being allowed to ruin her life? Something has to change.

Sometimes you just have to lose your shit to get things done.

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say that I think you are all bring incredibly patient and kind

You need a journalist to publish this thread. I bet the wheels would start turning then...

SS are taking the piss. They're negligent.

I just hope that if this man ends up coming to serious harm or dying because of SS's negligence then this thread and the other evidence OP has can be shown to the public and used to get the entire fucking SS department fired.

It's shameful that our tax £ is being pissed away on providing a service this crap.

I second the journalist idea.

The man is very senile. Nothing you said to him (either shouting or being nice) will have any impact.

He is senile, but he is also (and has always been, before he got senile) incredibly manipulative. He gets in people's cars at the garage and refuses to get out, or says he can't, and gets them to take him places. The garage have told him not to come over there any more. One man got very angry with him the other week and manhandled him out of the car.

OP - I've read parts of this thread since you started posting months ago, but not much recently (although I'm appalled that the situation is still ongoing) - so my apologies if this advice has been posted millions of times - but have you written your MP? Or posted about your situation on your local council website or on Streetlife, if you have those resources? Not saying they will solve your problem, but any forum by which you can get your story out might help. Or contact the DM? I know that seems ridiculous, but you never know - they pick up on all kinds of stories. flowers

sorry - to you

MrsS I'm afraid the dreadful thing about the garage doesn't surprise me at all. As with the "I'm a nuisance aren't I?" - no doubt said in a whiny little voice - it smacks, as you say, of manipulation. I don't doubt for an instant that he's ill and frail, but as others have said that isn't sufficient reason to affect someone else's life in this way

Believe me I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I'm wondering now if your kindness isn't actually adding to the problem and giving the proper people an excuse to ignore it all. I certainly wouldn't yell in his face either, but isn't it worth trying a few firm, clear words with no further discussion and a closed door: "Please go home, now" "Stop knocking, now" "Do not come here again" and so on?

OP, I wish I had some advice for you - you are utterly amazing to have managed to keep going this long without completely losing your rag. The situation really does sound intolerable. Is moving definitely out of the question for you?

Yes it is attention seeking behaviour. He may well have dementia/MH issues, be lonely and isolated. However would agree that he is one of those people who don't take no for an answer and will take advantage of your kindness and attention. Think of him as a demanding toddler, he needs clear and consistent boundaries. Difficult to ignore though when he lives close by though and it is all to easy for others -his family and the authorities- to allow you to step in. You do need to put yourself first though. Has he ever been religious? Could you notify the local vicar/pastor/priest etc and ask if someone from their community would visit him.

Oh yes, the church - he used to go every week without fail with his last wife and daughter. I have a friend who attends the local RC church that he used to go to. I will ask her. Or maybe see if he could have a visitor from the St Vincent de Paul society? It would give him something to look forward to, maybe, if he had a regular visitor. Will ask him re both, if he would like a visit.

I'm not sure I'd ask him first tbh, he'll probably say no. If they initiate contact it would be better, distancing you from involvement. I'm sure you or your friend could speak to the parish priest in confidence.

And he's just turned up again.

I'd bet good money that this man has frontotemporal dementia. People with his type of brain disease will often behave in very irrational, socially unacceptable and manipulative ways. Not that it is any comfort for the poor OP who is a kinder person than most. Screaming at a person like the neighbour, regardless of his needs, is going to get changes.

I'm stunned that social services and mental health have allowed this to go on for so long. There is no way on earth that this would have happened if I was his social worker and he lived in my area. He is quite clearly being let down by multiple agencies.

He says he wants to go into a care home and would be a self funder, so why isn't he being offered a short stay as a trial? Sounds most odd and something we often do if a person would be willing to consent and doesn't meet the criteria for sectioning under the mental health act. While OP is obviously not privy to the details, I'd be concerned about what the services are doing. I find it hard to believe that this man cannot be compelled for some sort of treatment (within the scope of the law) for his own health and wellbeing.

I'm happy to offer any specific advice if you need any help, MrsS.

I'd call the police and also ask for an ambulance every single time he knocks or phones or you have any concerns about his safety. I'd then follow it up with a call to the manager of both the adult social care team and mental health. I know you have been but I cannot see any other option. If he keeps getting taken to A&E, they will act.

Sorry, another thought. Do you happen to know if there is a prevention of hospital admission team in your area? Some of them are geared towards the mental health side of things and would be a good port of call. They are a combination of health and social care professionals who work to prevent admissions, particularly in older people. Our local one is excellent and would take this man on.

Thank you Shirtsleeves!

He has done two trial stays in two places, but they were more sheltered housing than actual homes, and he didn't like either of them. He doesn't want to sell his flat, so I think that is where the problem lies. He thinks the state should pay.

He is still at the door talking to DH. He sounds tearful. I will message you tomorrow.

Please do message me. :) My feisty social worker hat is on tonight and I am concerned about what you are saying; for your wellbeing, as well as his.

Oh and please do call the police if your husband feels he cannot talk to him any more. You sound lovely but it's not your responsibility to go this far. The professionals need to step up and help him. I am more than willing to make any suggestions to get them to do what is right. My senses are tingling all over the place with hearing this and it does not sound right. However stretched our services are, this is just madness. Whatever they are doing is not working.

Take care and goodnight.

OP, I have been lurking on this thread since the beginning. I just want to say that you and your DH have been amazing so far and I don't think I'd have had the same patience as you, I have no advice I am afraid but I think you have put up with a lot and I hope he gets help and you get a break soon.

Shirtsleeves

Unfortunatly the services probably are so overstretched in London that this man probably does come to low down on the list to get help.

Given this man has seriously flooded his flat (from memory, didn't it leak in to the flat below?), has ended up sleeping on the stairs, may be incontinent, potentially endangers himself getting into strangers cars, how far away is he from being sectionable?

To me, he doesn't even sound capable of living in sheltered accommodation.

OP
I second what Shirtsleeves said about weird personality changes being an early sign of dementia. Sometimes it can be the only sign initially. So perhaps his manipulativness was early sign? Getting into cars does not sound at all normal!