Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

Unexpected - he would just do what he has done before when asked not to knock - stand on the landing and ring the phone. Or go downstairs and ring the external bell. He turned up at 1030 last night and was talking to DH for an hour.

Not sure if you know about the structure of the police or not so if you already know this then totally ignore it. When you ring to 101 you aren't actually speaking to a police officer, you get through to a civilian member of staff. Unless it's put into very plain terms for them sometimes things don't get resolved, in these circumstances it's a case of being really firm and saying 'this behavior is frightening for me and my family this man is harassing me.' Stress that you are not happy and want to speak to a police officer (I stress this because it's not something a PCSO should be dealing with it's gone beyond neighborhood nuisance) as at the very least you want a protection from harassment warning being issued. Once the statement is made and the warning has been issued then every breach of that order is a criminal offence that needs reporting. I'm not going to pretend the criminal justice route is quick or perfect but it just seems the other avenues are exhausted and you need to force someones hand so you can live in peace.

What would happen if you simply yelled at him and told him to go away? You are being good and kind neighbours, but standing on the landing talking to him for an hour at 10:30 at night is above and beyond. Do you think he would eventually take a hint and move his attentions elsewhere if you were impolite to him each time he harassed you?

I agree, time to get rude.

Getting the Protection From Harassment order sounds like a good plan.

I'm sorry to say it, but calling 101 will do fuck all. I suggest calling 999 next time he comes to the door in the middle of the night or does something else scary. You shouldn't have to do it, but the system clearly isn't working and in the long run 999 may waste fewer resources than having the situation drag on for ages.

OP-get your local councillor/MP involved asap. THEY can take over liaising with SS and other agencies. This IS a safeguarding issue re a vulnerable adult AND it is having a huge negative impact on the residents - mainly your family. SS usually pull their fingers out once local mp's/councillors get involved (from my experiences).

Send a letter to SS via recorded delivery outlining everything so you've got that paper trail.

Speak to someone at your local paper and let them get involved.

I'm absolutely disgusted that nobody and no agency is helping resolve this.

For your own sanity you need to start thinking about getting some sort of restraining order against him - i know that sounds awful cos he's not entirely in control of his faculties but these actions could help force the relevant authorities to proactively DO something to help the poor man - and your family.

I also think you need to go down the criminal justice route - it will help force Ss hand into getting him into more appropriate accommodation.

His family sound like total twats though, letting him act like this.

Also it's no good going out there and talking to him. DH needs to be firm, shout at him not to ring the bell and slam the door shut. Don't engage at all.

Also can you just turn off your intercom in the evenings?

Oh, and if he falls - call 999 for an ambulance to come deal with him. You should not be doing this.

The only way we got the hell my gran needed was because 'luckily' she had a fall when my parents weren't around to sort it and got taken into hospital. From there it was much easier to her her into a home and get her the help she needed. Social services will do all they can not to help especially when they think they can leave someone at home because a neighbour is looking out for them...

He stood on our landing last night for a couple of hours, without knocking (not late), then banged on it when we were eating. He was hungry and had no food in and wasn't capable of getting to the shops. DH told him to wait while we finished eating, took him back upstairs and went out and got a takeaway for him. (He does get meals on wheels but the service seems to be a bit erratic.)

I can't shout at him - he is elderly, very, very frail and confused. I have been sharp with him, and when he says "Oh I'm such a nuisance, aren't I?" I say "Yes, you are."

I will write to our MP and cc social services.

How can all those people have visited yet he had no food in ? Do you have contact details for any family members. Even if they could arrange shopping for him. If he doesn't eat and drink properly he will deteriorate rapidly . Are there any charities for older people in the area who could arrange for a volunteer to visit? Befriending or To support those living in their own homes - council, local Volunteer Bureau or Age UK may know.

It's good of you to help him. And I agree call social services.

But what's the point in saying yes you are when he asks if he's a nuisance? Poor man is struggling.

And suggesting yelling at someone with Mh issues who can't look after themselves and telling them to go away is way harsh.

This is all horrific. Can't imagine how much stress you must all be under. You've had some great advice here. I can';t believe the police and SS are being so spectacularly useless.

He has been offered at least three places, a short bus/taxi ride away, and has vetoed them all. His social worker and carer have both explained to him that he can't just go into a home, where he is looked after, the sheltered accommodation is the next step - although if he gets any worse, I would think he would go straight into a home?

Funding is the problem - care homes cost more. If he's self funding (ie he sells his flat and uses the money from that) he can choose where he wants to go, depending on space and the suitability of the home. What he really needs is carers - with keys - coming in at the same time every day to make sure he takes his meds, and meals on wheels coming in at the same time - they usually do, IME. But it also looks like nothing will be done until there's a crisis.

Which may not be far away. Contact your MP, OP, and SS, urgently. Good advice from UptownFlunk.

Fanjo Have you RTFT? What else is the OP supposed to do? She's been nice, she's tried to get help, and nothing is working and her life is being constantly interrupted by this man. She's already gone above and beyond. He is not her concern, she owes him nothing.

I've followed this thread (lurking) from the start and people earlier were saying it's not the daughter's responsibility. Well, it's even LESS of the OP's responsibility. Don't you dare try to make the OP feel bad for running out of patience with this total stranger constantly interfering in her life.

yes I have RTFT thanks.

As a human being I believe she owes him not to shout and scream at him and tell him he is a nuisance.

she didnt shout and scream at him but some are advising it.

Fanjo - But he IS being a nuisance. He's being much more than a nuisance.

Perhaps the OP thought that telling him that calmly would have an effect? After all, he was compos mentis enough to ask if he was being a nuisance! What was the OP meant to say? 'No, it's ok, you can live outside our front door and bang on it all day if you want, that's fine?'

I don't think so.

well, quite clearly he can't help being a nuisance and has severe issues.

I think he bloody well can help being a nuisance. Who told him that he should rely on his neighbours for all his needs? Nobody. He's been offered official help and turned it down. He just wants to carry on expecting the OP to be at this beck and call.

I'd bloody well shout. Enough is enough and the OP doesn't owe him anymore help. I'd like to see you put up with it and stay smiley faced, fanjo.

i might not be smiley faced but I wouldnt calmly decide to shout at him every time I saw him to make him go away.

Losing it is different, deciding to be abusive to someone with MH issues is not something i would do.

but calm down and stop swearing at me.

i am not actually him.

How rude and unnecessary

As a human being I believe she owes him not to shout and scream at him and tell him he is a nuisance.

I bet you have never done anything half so nice for other people unrelated to you, as the OP and her DH have been doing for this man.

Did you read that her DH went and got the bloody man a takeaway, only last night??? Why is it the OP who has a duty of care towards him? Because she happens to live next to him? What about his family or social services you know, actually who do have a DOC.

I don't think they need to be aggressive and scream in his face, but shouting through your door to "go away" isn't exactly going to harm him. Nor is opening the door, and raising you voice slightly and being authoritative and in control and telling him to "Go. Back. To. Your. Flat. Now. Do NOT come back here. Go HOME". Being 'nice' and looking after him is NOT working and is just prolonging the situation. He basically neess to have a 'crisis' to be able to access the care he needs.

Its a shame you can't bundle him in a car and drop him off on his sisters doorstep every time he comes to your house! Wishful thinking.

Also, having mental health issues doesn't excuse you form being a complete fucking prick, which he is. He is impinging on the OP and DH quality of life hugely.

yes I read it, and i said she has been very good to him.

He sounds like he probably has dementia or at the very least severe paranoia so i believe that would actually excuse his actions and mean he isnt actually "a complete fucking prick".

Wow.

I don't think they need to be aggressive and scream in his face

me neither, someone was advocating that, i disagreed

anyway I need to play with DD< no amount of shouting at me and guilt tripping me re OP will make me agree with you. So enjoy the thread!