Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

Ah jeez I can't believe this is still going on you poor thing!
you need to set up a cctv camera aimed at your door.so you can prove this.unacceptable harassment.
Someone somewhere must be able.to.help

Titus, I phoned them every day last week, both the mental health team and his social worker. They seem to have washed their hands of him - he has refused sheltered accommodation, they know he's not taking his meds, they can't force him into sheltered housing or make him take his medication, so what can they do?

I know it sounds harsh, but could you pursue some sort of restraining order preventing him from knocking on your door or approaching you as you leave your flat? I don't know how you're coping, I remember your thread from the last update. I think you said it was difficult because he has to pass your door to get to his flat, but it's appalling that you're being left to deal with this because his kids are happy for him to stay terrified in a place that obviously doesn't suit him, if it protects their inheritance.

I don't know if it's already been suggested op, but your MP might help. Sometimes a letter or call from an mps office seems to move things along. This sounds just too much for you to cope with. He does need help the poor man, but you shouldn't be under siege x

Bloody hell, this is horrendous. A mentally ill man isn't capable of choosing accommodation of complying with meds, how can they just leave him?

So sorry for you Mrs S. Sounds like an absolute nightmare

Sorry to hear this is still going on :( could you try sticking a notice on your door which say bugger off DO NOT KNOCK THIS DOOR FRED (or whatever) RING THIS NUMBER (insert daughters number)

Personally I'd be chasing up the police with treating it as harassment. They I'd get an injunction and deal with it that way. I don't know,if you can get an injunction any other way? It must be ruining your life :(

They could section him?

He is back and appears to have several family visitors today. So good - they can help him, give the flat a bit of a clean and tidy and stuff like that. What he really needs is either to go into a nice home or to have a housekeeper/companion live with him, to be company for him, help him to get out and about and to help with the household chores.

can you corner one of them and tell them what's been going on?

Eddie - DH went up earlier with spare keys, and had a word with his sister (who is not much younger than him). I do worry about him falling and no-one coming to help him - if he doesn't answer the door, his carer goes away. I guess he could bang on the floor, and we would hear him, if we are in...

There is a real and growing problem concerning the elderly. I am still trying to sort out my mum. Luckily the district nurse team are v good but it is not easy.

If mum says no there is nothing we can do about anything. We, quite rightly, can't force people to go into a home but there comes a point when individuals cannot live alone. There needs to be something in place.

You have been more than kind OP - but you shouldn't have had to have dealt with it at all.

MrsSchadenfreude, you have done way more than most people would and way more than could be expected. hopefully his family will now take proper responsibility and get him into some sheltered accommodation asap.

This is so, so sad! Been reading this thread since it began and I think you've been very kind OP. Not surprised you have reached the end of your tether. This poor man clearly is being so let down by the services that should help him - and his family!!

He is quite stubborn and unreasonable re sheltered accommodation, though. There is only one place that he will consider, and it is in our street. He has been offered at least three places, a short bus/taxi ride away, and has vetoed them all. His social worker and carer have both explained to him that he can't just go into a home, where he is looked after, the sheltered accommodation is the next step - although if he gets any worse, I would think he would go straight into a home?

It seems mad that a move can't be "forced" in this situation - he doesn't feel safe in his flat, so he sleeps on the stairs. Social services know this and don't seem very bothered. And I think if he was taking his medication, he would be better on his feet, and less likely to fall over. He has been sectioned before, and made to take his meds, and he is a lot better when he is taking it - less delusional, quite able to walk with his stick.

If he has been in hospital due to mental health issues then you need to contact mental health services rather than 'social services' - find out the number for the duty/ switch board and go from there. He is likely to have an allocated worker who would need to know that he is increasingly paranoid. This is a clear symptom that would be taken seriously and he should be offered an increased level of support and monitoring.

This is terrible. You need to take it to the local press. There are so many stories of how the police and SS ignite ignore ignore until something awful happens. I would be very concerned OP that eventually your family is going to come to harm over this.

It seems like you've been too nice about it for too long. You are the last mugs left standing when everyone else has turned their backs. The daughter needs to get him into a home. Sod inheritance. He is no longer capable of making decisions. If he was banging on her door every night she would do something about it.

Do you know her address? Doorstop her every day like he does to you (ok not realistic ) but how the hell can he get away with being this much of a menace and noone does anything about it?

It sounds like to and your dh have been lovely and polite to the family. Actually you need to start saying how unacceptable it is, inhumane, antisocial, dangerous, make sure you take the names of everyone you speak to in police and ss and keep good records of what they say.

It seems like Ss get away with being so useless by evading responsibility. No one person can be to blame.

Acquiescence - it's the mental health team that I have been dealing with, primarily, and I have spoken to both his allocated worker, and the head of the team.

He's just been at the door for half an hour again...

Can't the police come and remove him? What would they do if he were drunk?

If there are a number of you in the block suffering from this, I strongly suggest getting legal advice about forfeiting the lease.

Goodness op, what a dreadful situation for you all. Its shocking you've all been left to get on with it

OP
I've read the whole thread.
I have the deepest sympathy for you - I watched my grandfather with dementia being cared for by my family. You should not have to cope with this, it is disgusting that SS are not doing more to help him, but as others have said, blood from a stone.

Clearly SS are not going to do a single damn thing until this situation escalates - or quite possibly he will be found dead one day due to their inaction. You need to take much stronger action.

Have you as others have suggested, kept a written log / video evidence of everything? You need to. No proof otherwise!

I think you must contact SS IN WRITING!! You need to create a paper trail for this. Without a paper trail this situation effectively doesn't exist. They can write down anything they like from a telephone conversation / downplay it as much as they like.

The ONLY thing which can make them take action in the current situation is a fear of being held accountable should something go wrong.

You need to detail in writing that they are negligent in their duty of care. You need to RAISE HELL with them - tell them you are making a FOI request for all the info they hold on the conversations you've had with them, tell them you're going to instruct a solicitor and challenge them over negligence, tell them you're contacting the organisation (I thought it was OFSTED) who inspect SS. Arse covering is the only thing SS normally expend any energy on. Do not stop until they are SHITTING THEMSELVES. At some point someone will begin to worry that the neighbour will end up dying or killing someone and that it will be their fault, then they may act.

I also think (unless you've already done this) you need to go down the legal ASBO / harassment route more. I have no idea how this works, and I realise he needs to walk past your door to exit his building, but I would have thought you could at least get an ASBO / restraining order preventing him from knocking on your door??? Obviously he is incapable of complying, so he will just get arrested on a daily basis, which will become such a hassle for the police that they will force SS to take action. I would hope!?!

Regarding housing, if you own share or freehold, yes, you can collectively decide to revoke his lease, but obviously you need to go through court. I'm not 100% sure you could do it on the basis of him preventing your quiet enjoyment, but perhaps on the basis of him misusing the communal area, both as a fire / building escape hazard and preventing access to other dwellings. I'm sure if you read the lease you'll be able to find quite a lot of items you could act on.

Im not sure I've been of much help, I'm by no means an expert, but I wish you luck and really hope this gets better for you soon. Tragic how many times he has had the police and ambulance around and nothing is being done.

Agree with the PP re revoking the lease - and him sleeping on the stairs is a perfect example of him not abiding by the lease terms. Surely that's a fire hazard? As in, many communal buildings don't allow prams and so on to be kept in corridors and stairwells in case they obstruct people trying to get out in the event of a fire. Him sleeping there would surely be the same kind of thing.

I imagine revoking the lease could take over a year though? :-( Putting greater pressure on the police and SS will be quicker.

if there's ground rent (even peppercorn) or service charges payable there's a fair chance he hasn't been paying, no? That could be an additional thing to use as it's far more cut and dry than sleeping in hallway.

This whole thing is completely unacceptable both for you & for this poor, unwell man who obviously needs care. Personally, I would consider telling the police his paranoid behaviour had escalated and he was threatening me so that I was frightened for my life and the life of my children. The only way intervention will be triggered is if he is considered a danger to himself or others. As SS seem to think very little is a danger to people with dementia (in my experience anyway as my relative set a piece of furniture alight and SS still did nothing) it is often only when they are perceived to be a 'danger' to others that anything happens.

The spiel about him needing to go into sheltered housing before being able to go into a care home is absolute nonsense. He owns a flat therefore he is self-funding which means he can move into wherever the fuck he likes as long as he is paying for it. My relative went straight into a care home from her own home. I suspect this nonsense is just another delaying tactic on the part of SS.

To those on here castigating the daughter & trying to make her responsible in some way you really should stop being so judgmental. The OP has already said the daughter has a very good reason for having been no contact for 20 years. She can no more 'make' her father or SS do anything than the OP can.

You poor thing! You must be exhausted by this and all your efforts...!!

What nightsky said is good....

Deffo in writing to SSD. Say clearly this is now an urgent safeguarding issue, and given his delusion /behaviour he clearly lacks capacity to keep himself safe..

FoI request.

Local councillor /MP - they often get SS acting where there has been a long stalemate.