Our neighbour...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

He is in his 80s, has been in and out of hospital for the past year (he has mental health problems and is often kept in for several weeks), recently went through a very messy divorce to someone less than half his age. He has become increasingly more and more paranoid that "someone" is out to get him, a professional person, who is being paid by his ex wife. He thinks that people are getting into his flat all the time, moving stuff around and stealing his money. (The stuff, and money, inevitably turns up in perfectly logical places, like his wallet, a folder he keeps personal documents in etc.)

He is frightened to be on his own in the flat, and as a result, bangs on our door three or more times a day, to ask our advice about whether he should call the police about this person "breaking into his flat". He asks to come and sit in with us, wants to stay the night. We are quite happy to give him a cup of tea or have him for dinner from time to time, and do so, but it has now reached the stage where he is driving me absolutely round the twist.

I used to work from home one day a week, but have had to give this up, as he just comes and bangs on the door, if he doesn't see me leave the flat. If he catches me or DH on our way out to work, he detains us, talking about the "break ins". I don't want to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him one day last week (he started crying) and was an hour and a half late for work.

I know he is scared and lonely. I know he is old. I know I should be more tolerant, but he is making my life a misery. I can't step outside the flat without him being right outside my front door. He has carers in twice a day, but he is very rude to them, and they hauled me up the other day when I was working from home, claiming that he had accused him of stealing his money, when it was in his pocket all the time.

We have his daughter's contact details, and have told her what she is like. She just thanks us for being nice to him, and says she doesn't live locally, and has a busy life so can't come up very often.

I've started going into work really early, so that he can't detain me (he usually gets DH instead) and trying to coincide coming home with when his carers will be there, so he doesn't bother me then. It's got to the stage where I feel like a prisoner, and my hours are being dictated by this man. Any ideas what I can do?

I think you need to go down the police route. Mentally unwell or not, he is harassing you and is having an major impact on your life. If this were an ex partner acting this way then everyone would be saying to call the police. Then each and every time he breaches the order you call the police and make them haul their arses over to your place and move him, physically if need be. This is beyond unacceptable.

The spiel about him needing to go into sheltered housing before being able to go into a care home is absolute nonsense. He owns a flat therefore he is self-funding which means he can move into wherever the fuck he likes as long as he is paying for it.

This is what I thought too. My gran was recently assessed as needing to go into a home but STILL has to pay for it herself (ie by selling her house) because her needs aren't severe enough to get the continuing care package (ie full funding from council). Only a tiny proportion of people in homes get that funding package apparently, the criteria are very strict, its not enough to just be old and frail and needing someone to wash you/dress you/take you to the loo/stop you from falling over every time you stand up.

It is ridiculous that he wants to go into a home, has the means to pay for it (his flat) but is holding onto it as inheritance. Shame on the daughter if she is really blocking him from doing what he wants because she wants to benefit from the money when he's dead. And if he has five kids anyway it'd surely be split quite thinly?

I am thinking of you OP, hope that something eventually 'gives' with SS/carers/police/daughter/hospital and he gets his wish of going into a home to be looked after.

You can't force a move on someone without their consent unless it has been shown legally that they lack the capacity to make that decision for themselves. I doubt this has happened. So even though you think - and everyone else seems to think - that this man doesn't have mental capacity to make informed decisions, there has to be a legal document backing it.

He won't agree to any care home other than the one which has no place free for him.

Maybe SS are hoping he sees sheltered accomm as more temporary than him going straight into a care home which isn't the one he wants. IYSWIM.

He had a bad fall this morning. DH called an ambulance and it looks like they are keeping him in. It would be lovely if they could keep him in for a few days at least, get him to take his meds, give him a nice bath, so that he is clean, and either get him into a home or put in a decent care package, so that he can manage at home. But personally I think he is beyond that.

I don't think he is holding onto the flat for his children's inheritance. I think he is hoping that a care home/being looked after for a bit would enable him to get back on his feet and move back home. It's the final giving up of his home that I think is the issue.

I'm afraid I'm not overly hopeful that they'll do much more than keep him in for a few days if past behaviour is anything to go by. I think when he gets out you've really got to do the things we have suggested to help get some action from SS and the police. Otherwise this could drag on for a long time :-(

I've been following your thread since the beginning and it is sad that it has come to this for your neighbour but I commend you on the hard work you have done.

On a negative note for your neighbour, if he has broken his hip for example (which is quite common after a fall) then his chance of returning home is slim. Many people do not leave hospital. They acquire pneumonia and die or they become so incapacitated they end up in nursing homes. Or he may just be a stubborn old bugger and return fighting fit ready to annoy you some more.

Either way you are getting a break and he is getting the care he requires.

How did you know that he had fallen? Was it on the stairs?

Do you know which hospital and ward? You could try ringing their OT to let them know how bad tigs really are for him at home. I think the OTs do have to do an assessment before an elderly patient can be discharged (I'm not 100% sure of that, as I can't remember where that info came into my head from, though).

If you can get his circumstances onto his notes there is a slightly higher chance that he will get better/different care back in the community. He will certainly give an optimistic/unreal gloss on his circumstances when asked.

Keep as much in writing as possible. Confirm phone calls in writing

He may lie to the OT about his circumstances as he may be paranoid about them.

His daughter will have to confirm that the care plan is in place. One should be agreed. It's not unknown for it to be 'forgotten'.

You are a saint to have put up with this without completely losing it with him.

He's back home already.

DH found him when he had fallen - he went to take some post up, on his way to work, and heard the neighbour calling for help. Now we almost feel obliged to check him every morning, to make sure he is OK, because if there is no answer from his bell, his carer simply goes away, as he often spends the night in a hotel. So he could be there for hours or days before anyone realises.

And he's been banging at the door again. DH has been talking to him for nearly half an hour now.

You must be at your wits end now. I don't have any practical advice, but it's a stark reminder of how bad you have to be to get help.

I'd be ringing the daughter constantly. I wouldn't give a shiny shit about her inheritance, the man needs help. She needs to understand just how bad it is, and how much it is impacting the OPs life. Make it such an inconvenience for her that she is forced to act.

There's no point keep ringing the daughter. Chances are she'll just change her number, block the OP's number or ignore the phone. If she's really hacked off she'll report the OP for harassment. She really isn't obligated to do anything and chances are she can't get her father to do anything anyway!

I've been through having a relative with dementia that was completely anti any sort of intervention. It was hell and I loved her very much. I tried everything - and I am a resourceful and articulate person - no-one would intervene until she had lost capacity despite the fact she set fire to part of her house. I was emailing her doctor, social services and various other organisations daily. I even threatened social services with legal action if they did not step in. They had no interest and actively worked against me as they considered me troublesome. Until the dementia sufferer loses capacity all the organisations tell you to do is to wait until things reach crisis point - just how awful that 'crisis point' will be they don't actually know or care.

Throughout all this the judgement of other people, the statements about what I 'should be doing' and the whispers about me 'protecting my inheritance' made things even more unbearable. I was - ironically - desperate to get my relative into a care home for their own protection despite the fact it costs a fortune. Funnily enough, for all their opinions, no-one actually offered any practical help. Unless you have experienced this then you really have no idea.

OP, unless you do something drastic then nothing will happen. This is harassment - regardless of the fact the poor man has Alzheimer's. My advice is to go to the police and say you are frightened in your own home, that you are being harassed and you want the matter dealt with. It really isn't on for you to have to live like this.

I agree with UptownFlunk (that soun terrible btw, poor you. How long did your situation go on for btw?)

OP, I think you need to take more drastic action, as lots of us have mentioned...
Everything in writing
Threaten SS
Call the organisation who inspect / regulate SS
Frequent calls to police about being scared
Look in to revoking leasehold.

If nothing happens I vote for a mass MN phone-in to the SS branch concerned!!

Good grief this is appalling - for you and for the neighbour. I don't know if this has already been suggested or tried, but what about contacting your MP?

IME this has produced action.

I suspect that the pressure on SS is just getting greater and greater, with more and more people needing to be looked after, and there are only so many places and only so much money, that they have to be more and more prescriptive about who gets what help.

I think all that can be done is to hassle them so they keep his file near the top, and are very aware of what state he's in.

I don't know if he's really lost capacity, or is not that bad quite yet.

This is terrible. Any coppers on here who can give some advice?

Maybe you could talk to a solicitor or CAB. You certainly have a right to not be harassed like this. So it's worth pushing the legal route.

If his behavior is causing you 'harassment alarm and distress' then you could ring 101 and ask speak to an officer. If you are willing to provide a statement police can issue a 'protection from harassment warning'. Once that warning has been issued if he continues the behavior and you report it then he could be arrested, depending on the circumstances obviously. Sounds drastic but while in custody he would have access to a mental health assessment. If his behavior is frightening for you and your family then it does need reporting. I appreciate you have sympathy for your neighbor, as do I, but it seems this has got out of hand.

I really wish he had one of those "medic alert" things so that he could call someone if/when he falls. It has been sheer luck, on both times, that he has been found.

I don't think arresting him would help. And I've called 101 and they were no help at all. He is well known to the police - they bring him home regularly, and he calls them all the time about the "break ins" and "cameras in his flat."

What an awful situation. Slightly bizarre suggestion but have you thought of putting padding on the outside of your front door so he can't bang it?

Like this

Regarding the medic alert alarms (my grandmother has one, excellent things), surely he is so senile that you can just convince him to buy one? Tell him he needs it to call for help etc. He is sufficiently paranoid I'd have thought he'd go for anything like that?

Of course, he would need to remember he was wearing it!

THis is just so very sad.

MrsS, it seems that you have done more for this man in his last years than his own family have.

I don't live in UK so I cannot comment on the services available, but I can relate as my nan had dementia and it is was very upsetting at times for those around her.

Incidentally, she did fall and broke her hip, she never made it out of the hospital again after that.