AIBU to consider having a 3rd child as a single mum?

[PastaDecor]

I have two DCs aged 5 and 2 both of which were conceived via sperm donor (but privately at low cost, not via an expensive clinic).

I'm nearing 40 and have huge urges to have a 3rd child.

I quite enjoyed pregnancy (a pre-existing anxiety disorder that got a bit worse notwithstanding), birth no.1 was very hard but birth no.2 OK. I do
go through periods of both poverty and stress as a single mum, but overall, mothering is what I feel really good at.

I work nearly F/T in a flexible IT-based job from home and whilst I do not at all make a lot of money, I get by and could manage with 3, to be honest I don't think it would be that much different financially than 2 at least until university age! I have worked out I could afford 7-8 months maternity leave which is what I had before before paying a nursery or childminder.

The other part of me thinks: look at all the stats for age 35+ mums, increased risk of Down's and how would I cope with that (again, my positive spirit thinks I would cope - somehow) or multiple births etc. I've been very lucky to fall pregnant very quickly in the past but it might be different now, and having a disabled child or twins might be too much to handle.

I don't really have a lot of "support" in that I have NO family around, but I've got friends I can call on if needed and DC1 is in school with DC2 heading for pre-school soon.

Am I mad? Should I strictly tell myself "no"? Or does anyone empathize and think I could (even should) do it?

If you think you will look back & regret not trying then go for it I say!

Maybe a list of pros and cons to set it down on paper?

You sound completely amazing as a mum - and I think if you want to try one more time, why not?

I think you could. You already have! I did find the jump from 2 to 3 more like the jump from 0 to 1 then 1 to 2 (similar are gaps!) but still very do-able. The only thing to consider in my mind is if there is a risk to yourself, but if those are negligable, why not?

*age not are!

They get expensive long before university age.

But you have two already and you sound like you're coping fine. Good luck whatever you decide.

If you could cope without child benefits or any form of assistance (money or otherwise) then yes of course, go ahead.

Thanks for the encouragement guys.
Fizzy I am very proud of what I have "achieved" as a Mum, I had a beyond rubbish childhood in many respects so have found great joy in creating a loving family. I'm definitely not perfect though and still have some major faults to work on!

theend I don't think there are any significant medical risks to myself, I do have an anxiety disorder which did get a bit worse in pregnancy no.2 but I think that was because I was so worried about a repeat of DC1 difficult birth - which didn't happen....

bereal7 why without child benefit? I think it's highly unlikely child benefit will be done away with completely, especially for lower income families like mine.
In any case, the availability of child benefit wouldn't swing it either way, it might keep me in nappies but that's about it!

I think if you can do it financially and it's really what you want and you can manage, then do it - good luck sweetheart [thanks}

oops

I don't see why you should do without child support. Its means tested.

I'm currently pregnant with DC3 and terrified, despite being married and having a supportive partner.

However, you sound completely capable on both a practical and financial level.

Only concerns would be if you had support for your existing DC's, should you be unwell during the pregnancy and need a hospital stay? If so, then I'd say you were probably very organised and you should go for it!

If you can without needing to claim any tax credits etc, i.e. 100% self funding then go for it. If you are basing your finances using help from the state then no

Bereal7 - families with two parents also get child benefit unless on a high income so how is that relevant to the OP's question?

I say go for it OP. I'm in a similar situation and also toying with the idea. Good luck.

Yes, go for it. You sound like a lovely mum. X

I'm going to say no I don't think you should but that's because you say you go through periods of poverty and stress - if you go through poverty with 2 having 3 will make it even worse. I don't see the point in having kids to give them a life of poverty.

May I ask posters who say OP should not claim tax credits etc if they would say the same to a couple planning on third child? I work and claim tax credits. Does this mean I should not be allowed another child?

I found costs rocket from age 11ish no logic but they really do plus for me my dream DC have been far more challenging as teens ...think carefully

I have heard parents say a third child does seem to put the costs up quite a lot especially as they get older. You don't have a lot of support and already have gone through periods of stress and hardship. So on the whole sensibly speaking it would not be wise to have another child. But in the end it's up to you.

peggy I appreciate your honesty, thanks. When I say I go through periods of poverty I think that was too strong a word to use really, it's the wrong word. My children are always well-clothed, have enough to eat, etc. "Tightening our belts" would be more accurate, trips to the park instead of the cinema that kind of thing.

I think it anything worries me it is the financial side though. If I could keep working nearly F/T as I do currently with under a year off on maternity as for DCs 1 and 2, I could manage. But if the baby was born with a disability, heaven forbid, or similar and I needed extra childcare / trips to hospital etc. then I would struggle...

I know you can;t plan for every eventuality but it seems sensible to take all this into account.

I know a lot of my friends IRL will think I'm plain mad. But I'm not that sure having a partner makes an enormous amount of difference from some of the stories they tell me about DH working late, etc. - only, of course, I have to work and work nearly F/T for our income.

I'd never give up work because I'm highly trained (postgrad degree) and would miss my work.

mytitiferssungtheirsong my stance is that if you can't afford on your own, why should the state fund your life choices?

I'd really rather this thread didn't deteriorate into a debate about whether or not tax credits should exist, if that's OK?

I can see it getting completely side-tracked otherwise!

Thanks

I find 3 a lot harder than 2 and wouldn't recommend it to anyone, let alone a single mum.

For starters they refuse to do the same extra curric stuff. So on a weekend I generally have to be in 3 places at once. Which is doable with a DP. But if I was a LP they wouldn't be able to have a weekend hobby each.

It requires a lot more time off work. Or rather each child requires the same amount if time off work so 3 requires more than 2.

It is more expensive. In every way. Food and clothes and hobbies and holidays. But also a larger car and a larger house.

But the real killer is the demands on my time. I can't find enough time in the week to spend quality time with all 3 kids. And really feel my youngest is getting a raw deal because I can't give him the attention I give the older two.

Quit while you're ahead.

You only get one shot at life so go with what you really want. We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow so sometimes planning for every possible outcome isn't worth the hassle.