AIBU to consider having a 3rd child as a single mum?

[PastaDecor]

I have two DCs aged 5 and 2 both of which were conceived via sperm donor (but privately at low cost, not via an expensive clinic).

I'm nearing 40 and have huge urges to have a 3rd child.

I quite enjoyed pregnancy (a pre-existing anxiety disorder that got a bit worse notwithstanding), birth no.1 was very hard but birth no.2 OK. I do
go through periods of both poverty and stress as a single mum, but overall, mothering is what I feel really good at.

I work nearly F/T in a flexible IT-based job from home and whilst I do not at all make a lot of money, I get by and could manage with 3, to be honest I don't think it would be that much different financially than 2 at least until university age! I have worked out I could afford 7-8 months maternity leave which is what I had before before paying a nursery or childminder.

The other part of me thinks: look at all the stats for age 35+ mums, increased risk of Down's and how would I cope with that (again, my positive spirit thinks I would cope - somehow) or multiple births etc. I've been very lucky to fall pregnant very quickly in the past but it might be different now, and having a disabled child or twins might be too much to handle.

I don't really have a lot of "support" in that I have NO family around, but I've got friends I can call on if needed and DC1 is in school with DC2 heading for pre-school soon.

Am I mad? Should I strictly tell myself "no"? Or does anyone empathize and think I could (even should) do it?

OK mini thanks - I am reading and kind of hoping you don't terribly regret having your third as it seems, reading between the lines, that you have found it a hard place to be to have three.

I will take particular account of your words as you have experience of 3.

However I know it's down to me to make up my own mind for my own situation and I think I'll need to keep mulling it over. I'm just off to bed now, though, as single mummies with 2 small ones need their beauty sleep whenever they can!

Thanks for all the replies...

I had my 3rd with same sort of gap you would have and tbh it's been much harder than I thought it would be.

May I ask posters who say OP should not claim tax credits etc if they would say the same to a couple planning on third child? I work and claim tax credits. Does this mean I should not be allowed another child?

Frankly? No, I don't think people should have more children than they can afford. I limited my family to one child -- I was a very young widow (DH died suddenly when DS was almost 3) and financially, it was as much as I could do to work FT and raise one child. I didn't feel that it was fair that taxpayers should pay for my personal desire for more children.

cricket completely agree with what you're saying

chillyegg it is not irrelevant. Would you get a mortgage if you couldn't afford the repayments? You have to consider whether you can afford children - relying on people/government is not good as that help can be taken at any time

And no-one said children are only for the rich.

No - don't terribly regret having number three. I adore him. But it's HARD having three children - something I never felt until I had a teenager (eldest dd is 15). All I'm saying is that some of us find the early days easy, easy, easy, because children of this age are often quite easy to manage. As they get older we have less control over them and there are more emotional challenges. I can't imagine having coped with my dd's adolescence on my own....

Quick final post then as just refreshed before I brush my teeth and see some more replies.

bereal I think the real question in terms of money is: would I be able to raise children without any money whatsoever? (as we're all dependent in some way or another under capitalism, some on state benefits, some on state employers, some on private employers etc) I usually answer this question yes as my ancestors were travellers who lived hand-to-mouth and whilst that's not a scenario to aspire to it does show that any of us could raise a family with no money as you would like us to imagine.

purple I am off to bed now but please do elaborate if you have time.

You sound like a very loving and capable mum, but I'm inclined to agree with the PP who suggested you 'quit while you're ahead'.

It comes across that you have a really happy, lovely life with your two DC's and I would really worry that a third might jeopardise that.

In my experience (of other families, not personal - one was enough for ua!), it seems that going from 2 to 3 can really knock a family out of kilter (even with 2 parents). I know a few people who love their third children dearly but not the impact their arrival has had on the family dynamic.

I'm one of three.

I am planning a third in a couple of years.

Go for it

I'm a working mother and quite honestly now they are 12 and 13 I'm glad I don't have a younger one to fit things around. Not least because I'm no longer as young as I was (second was born when I was 38) - and I am lucky to be physically fit with no health issues.

Having said that you sound like a marvellous and very level headed mum and I'm sure you would manage perfectly well. Of course three get less attention each than two, but is that such a terrible thing? The flip side of that coin is more interaction with siblings.

I suppose at your age (and I was late to have children too), what would concern me most would be the risk of pregnancy complications, or a child with a disability. Having a severely disabled sibling or an unwell mother would certainly have an impact on the quality of life of your kids. In your shoes if I were to consider a third I'd also be looking at doing early chromosomal testing to flag up any potential risks.

Pasta In which case, goodluck

It's up to you obviously and if you really want three then go for it. But personally, I would not try for a 3rd at 40 due to the higher risk of complications at that age, which might affect my existing family. But then I only ever really wanted 2, if I had 1 then I may well have tried again at 40.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it if it's what you want but I have to say that I find three a lot harder than two.

From none to one was obviously a huge change but then from one to two wasn't. I didn't expect two to three to be as exhausting as it has been TBH.

But if you're fit & healthy with boundless energy & it's what you want then go for it. Good luck .

FFS since when did kids having fathers become out of fashion? Honestly I know this is a predominately 'feminist' website but do you actually think about the impact on a kid of not knowing who their father is or knowing anything about 50% of their heritage/extended family members?

Sorry but I think this is extremely selfish.

I think in your situation I'd stick with two and give them what they want rather than have to scrimp with 3.

Bubblegirl the OP said she has used donor sperm privately, but has not gone into background or circumstances that I could make out. Perhaps she knows the donor. Perhaps she intends to be open with her DC about their origins. Open identity donors provide background information and family details and they are accessible, it's a legal requirement to use open identity donors by UK clinics. May be your opinion but I find your stance a little harsh. Many of us find ourselves planning a family in less than ideal circumstances.

Every family and situation is different, but this is my experience
We have 3 DC aged 8,6 and 4. We were skint when dc3 came along but finances have improved since BUT don't underestimate the extra costs, holidays and hotels etc are much much harder to find and more expensive. Extra curricular activities increase costs greatly as can't be 'shared' like toys and clothes can.
Going from 2 to 3 children is very different than going from 1 to 2.
Instead of 1 sibling relationship there becomes 3 between the various children, noise and chaos is more than doubled, your time is stretched a lot more, I love all 3 of my children (obviously) and wouldn't swop them for the world but it is hard and I have DH to help with bath time etc.
Days out can be hard and thats with 2 of us to do shoulder rides, take one to the toilet, hold hands, push on swing whilst the other wants help on the monkey bars etc. when I take kids out by myself it is very hard work, I couldn't imagine every day being like that.
Children are all very different so yours might be well behaved quiet children with no problems. Ds1 has aspergers traits so needs to be dealt with differently than the other 2, ds2 (our 3rd child had recurring burst ear drums every other week for 3 years from the age of 5 months old u til he had grommets last year. It was hard and I had DH to take over when I needed sleep.
Don't think that kids in school make it easier, if anything it makes it harder.
2 of mine are at school and 1 is at play school 4 mornings a week, in a week I have 10 school runs, 8 play school runs, 1 x pick up from chess club. 1x riding lesson, 2 x swimming lessons (1 after the other so me and ds2 are hangin around for 1 hour in total by the end of which he's bored and playing up) 1 x beavers, 1 x gymnastics, piano and guitar practice (lessons are at school) 2x reading books and reading activities to get through, 1 xspellings, 2x Mathis homework, 2 x talking homework, 2x Maths board games to do and send back to school, various playmates either at ours or dropping a child to someone else, birthday parties, sometimes 2 at the same time in totally different places, doing stuff with ds2 such as numbers and letters. Ds2 is due to start football club soon,
That's just the tangible stuff, there's the remaking of ds2 s train track for the millionth time whilst dd wants help sewing a dress for her lalaloopsy and ds1 is asking some random question I have no idea how to answer (normally 'ask your father!) all whilst trying to make tea and sort out the washing.

That's the reality day to day but it's not all bad, the times they put on a play in their animal onesies, or all snuggle up to watch a film etc etc far out weigh the bad moments.
I haven't said much about the wonderful side of having 3 as you will already know the joy a child brings but I think going from 2-3 is the worst increase for any family (people with more than 3 will be better to advise but I've been told going to 4 or more children makes much less impact to the family than going from 2-3.

Wow Brie - I hadn't thought about the single sibling relationship becoming three when you add another child! It's a perspective I'd not considered.

I'm one of three. It's an uneasy number,I have to say. One sibling is always left out.

YABU. I don't doubt you are a fantastic mum, but life can change in a heartbeat and shit happens. Quit whilst you're ahead. Being 40 is not old, but you are not getting any younger and it sounds like you have romaticised the idea of having another child.

I.... would quit while I was ahead, too. Three kids is HARD. I've had more than one mum-of-three confiding to me that, while she loves all three of her kids and wouldn't wish any of them away, she probably wouldn't have tried to conceive another if she had known how hard it can be.

The other thing I think people don't think about is the fact that all the costs of childrearing just keep going up and up. Medical/orthodontic, hobbies and extra-curriculas, tutoring (which is becoming ever commoner as the education sector becomes more and more competitive), and then the spiraling cost of university and further education.

I'm one of three and would never recommend it

If you already experience stress and poverty, even if it's intermittent, then I vote no.

what if you conceive twins? The likelihood increases as you get older. Can you stop & think about how happy you and your existing children and pets are, do you really want to make your life harder than it already is? If you have another baby you won't be able to take the older children to the cinema for years as by the time it's old enough to go they won't want to see the same films. You won't be able to take them swimming as the adult:child ratio won't let you. Sometimes we're all better off being grateful with what we've got.

If you work from home and your life is dedicated to making a happy home it sounds a bit isolating to me. I wonder if life outside the house was fuller you might feel differently.

And there is no guarantee that DC3 will fit in perfectly with the existing DCs. There can be rivalry and squabbles, no guarantee there won't be.

Also older kids demand a lot of time, to get to sports, dropped off at friends, school trips etc. Then there are late night party pick ups drop offs at all hours. Other parents seemed to pander to every whim of their teenage DCs -grrrr. It's difficult to be the one who doesn't.

But none of these are strong reasons, it's up to you.

Do you currently have enough time for the kids you've already got or do you find yourself wishing you had more time to spend with them? if yes then dont have another, think about what they would want as well as what you want.