AIBU to consider having a 3rd child as a single mum?

[PastaDecor]

I have two DCs aged 5 and 2 both of which were conceived via sperm donor (but privately at low cost, not via an expensive clinic).

I'm nearing 40 and have huge urges to have a 3rd child.

I quite enjoyed pregnancy (a pre-existing anxiety disorder that got a bit worse notwithstanding), birth no.1 was very hard but birth no.2 OK. I do
go through periods of both poverty and stress as a single mum, but overall, mothering is what I feel really good at.

I work nearly F/T in a flexible IT-based job from home and whilst I do not at all make a lot of money, I get by and could manage with 3, to be honest I don't think it would be that much different financially than 2 at least until university age! I have worked out I could afford 7-8 months maternity leave which is what I had before before paying a nursery or childminder.

The other part of me thinks: look at all the stats for age 35+ mums, increased risk of Down's and how would I cope with that (again, my positive spirit thinks I would cope - somehow) or multiple births etc. I've been very lucky to fall pregnant very quickly in the past but it might be different now, and having a disabled child or twins might be too much to handle.

I don't really have a lot of "support" in that I have NO family around, but I've got friends I can call on if needed and DC1 is in school with DC2 heading for pre-school soon.

Am I mad? Should I strictly tell myself "no"? Or does anyone empathize and think I could (even should) do it?

i would like to ask, you mention a 'beyond rubbish' childhood, is having another child filling a gap in your life ? full respects with whatever you do, you have a lovely little family and your little ones are lucky to have such a loving mum, too many kids have a shit life and it never gets any better. all the best to you in what ever you decide to do.

i'm not saying she shouldn't claim. but, she (or anyone/couple) should not have children if they need the extra benefits. She said in her OP that she goes through periods of poverty and so I , personally, don't think she is stable enough to have an extra child. 18 years is a long time - what IF no child benefits were given at all?

Im not attacking anyone, just trying to be realistic and thinking of all sides.

Why shouldn't the op claim tax credits ? Thats a ridiculous idea the right to have a child should not be only for the rich .

Op I think you should definitely do it . Sounds like you will be bringing the child into a very loving and happy home . Imo that's what counts . Good luck

This is just playing devils advocate and you may have thought of these already but here are my concerns about having no3:

Space - I have a 4 bed property but if I do need to downsize then Two of the same gender would have to share a room. Worse things happen at sea but ideally I wouldn't want to have more children than bedrooms :)

Car - would you need a bigger one?

Money - I do not for a moment think pony clubs and grammar school blazers are essential to a happy childhood but just the same a serious lack of money, which you do appear to allude to in your OP, is restrictive.

If I am really honest, in your shoes I would leave it at 2 - but then I wanted a family of 2 anyway!

Killasandra I'd certainly take on board the time factor. I felt very guilty I had less time for DC1 for a while after I had DC2.

Some of the things you say wouldn't really apply though - larger car I do have a car with 3 places in it already so one's empty. Larger house, maybe when they're older but not for a good while and even then I know many families who have got by with same-sex children sharing (as uni students do) until they left home.

Holidays...wouldn't be that much more pricey, we go to the beach in this country.

And hobbies, I guess mine are too young really to be into all that but again it seems like luxury items IYKWIM - plenty of families round here have football / swimming / nothing as hobbies.

But yes maybe I should quit while ahead, part of me does think that, I've just got used to having two and things are quite settled. I blame the Radford family, she makes it look so easy!

Thanks for more food for thought and kind comments too!

bereal if you go too far down that line of thought, you do start thinking - if I lost my job and received no benefits etc. - and that's not really helpful. But I know where you're coming from.

mrsfuzzy I think the DCs do fill a gap in my life. My loving nature as a child meant nothing - it was positively crushed and mocked in my birth family. So my DCs in a way do fill a hole in that they happily receive all the love that my parents never accepted from me. I try to live "my own life" though not just through the children and this is partly why I'm so committed to working rather than be SAHM. It's good for me to have a focus that isn't just the children.

It's the hobbies that are the real killer. Both as a demand on your time and a sink to pour money into.

Do you know how much time and money football and swimming take up? Football is normally at least twice a week and so is swimming. (That's assuming neither of them are particularly good)

But what if they are good? What if one wants to do gymnastics and turns out to be good and is asked to train 5 times a week?

Or one wants to play piano and one wants to play violin?

You really really quickly get to the point where the 3rd child can't take up a hobby because the week is already full.

At one stage my 3 were in beavers, cubs and scouts. That's 3 days a week. Then they each played a (different) sport which trained twice a week. So that's another 6 days a week filled.

It is really hectic if you want to give them the chance to do stuff like that.

Tbh pasta you sound like me - for every argument against having a third you have an answer for it ! That's why I've decided to just go for it now . I spend a couple years thinking and planning and arguing with myself in my head then do it anyway . So I've decided I don't care that we might be squeezed into a tiny house for a few years and that I need to take a year out of my nursing degree . I've decided it's worth it

mayaknew the op requested that this thread didn't turn into a bun fight regarding tax credits etc but to I did want to answer your point; having children is not about being 'rich' but if you are making a choice, then you need to factor in if you can afford it - what happens if the next government stop tax credits?

We decided to stop at 2 for a number of reasons, one of which was financial - we knew we would struggle financially to fund a 3rd without expecting state support

Cricket I know your right that was a totally accidental cross post

Oh god why are people bringing in bloody tax credits and child benefit. It's irrelevant.
I think only you can decide as your the only one that knows whether it's really right for you. If you are concerned about the physical aspects on your body or potential medical risks for the baby, have you thought about fostering or adoption? It's just an idea ofcourse.

Will having another sibling improve the quality of your existing children's lives or diminish it?

Because it's not just about you, and your needs is it?

I have three children, and a husband and work part-time and STILL find it hard to help all of them with their learning. It's hard to find the money for extras like music lessons,holidays and tutoring, and that's with one good full-time and one part-time wage coming in.

I found the early days a doddle compared to having 3 children at/near secondary age. It's SO expensive and they need so much input with their learning.

And of course children are wonderful and we love them, and it's hard to stop ourselves wanting more. But wanting more children isn't a good enough reason to keep having them. Incidentally, my third child, conceived at 39, has ASD. About 1 in a 100 children born to women of my age may have ASD. It's made things considerably harder than they would have been with a neurotypical child....

mayaknew good for you!

I think it's actually very possible to over-worry about financial stuff and space. I don't want to sound mean, and certainly not judgmental, but personally my DCs being able to do intensive sports training or attend Beavers etc would come really low down my list of priorities. I realize that's just me. I'd be delighted if they were able to take up some kind of interest each but that would have to depend on our means, in terms of money and time. That's already the case really - DC1 doesn't go to after-school gymnastics or football and DC2 never did any paying baby classes - I honestly don't think they're missing out, they do so much at school and nursery already and we do family things e.g. all go swimming at weekends.
In terms of space, we have loads of pets so there isn't lots of room to spare but again I tend to feel we would manage and I could try to expand my business looking forward to get a bigger house if necessary.

I'd worry about the time I could give to each and wonder if anyone on here with 3 children feels that there are benefits in terms of time to having 3 - does the older look after the younger etc.? Initially having two I felt v guilty for DC1 but now he can play with DC2 which is much more interesting for them both than me trying to do imaginary play with one child - but are there similar "pros" with having a third or does everyone just get less attention?

go with what you feel is the right thing op. no one can make that choice for you. if its what you want go for it.

"and this is partly why I'm so committed to working rather than be SAHM"

With respect though - unless you've got a trust fund you don't really have a choice on this one do you?

No minifingers as you succintly put it, not just about my needs!

My ex (pre-DCs) had ASD so I sympathize as I know it throws up many challenges.

It is very hard for me to look ahead to secondary age - by then who knows I may have a DP (or I may not). I have this rosy picture of 3 teenagers sticking up for each other, but I know in reality it might be hard.

I'm a mad sort of person, I'd look forward to doing their homework with them or whatever.

But it's impossible to tell how a third would alter the dynamics with my DCs 1 and 2 and yes this is one of my major worries. However, I think if I felt very confident it could work and helped to ensure it did, it might be OK...

Hmmm, still very undecided!! My heart definitely would say "yes" but my head is on the fence.

"or does everyone just get less attention?"

Everyone gets less attention.

minifingers I do have a choice - I could stop work and claim benefits, I would have roughly the same income I think! But as stated (before anyone goes mad!) that's not what I intend to do and is not even an option for me because I like working (amongst other reasons).

I think your existing children will have a better quality of life if you don't have another child.

But it isn't just about your priorities is it? It's about your DC's priorities. As they get older, they're going to want to do activities on their own rather than as a family.

And you can't take 3 kids swimming as a lone parent!

I think in your situation I'd quit whilst I was ahead. I have two DC and dh and I both work full time.

We both feel spread thinly as it is, in terms of spending time with them so a third was a no no for us. As it is it works well with parties and activities but I wouldn't want to test that with a third.

I am pregnant with our third.

You sound sensible and with two already clearly not blind to the amount of work raising a child involves and it sounds like you are supporting your family brilliantly. Hats off to you.

Plus the gaps will be reasonably large meaning that DC1 will be at school and DC2 entitled to 15 hrs a week free nursery.

If it's what you want go for it.

no, enjoy the 2 you have