AIBU to consider having a 3rd child as a single mum?

[PastaDecor]

I have two DCs aged 5 and 2 both of which were conceived via sperm donor (but privately at low cost, not via an expensive clinic).

I'm nearing 40 and have huge urges to have a 3rd child.

I quite enjoyed pregnancy (a pre-existing anxiety disorder that got a bit worse notwithstanding), birth no.1 was very hard but birth no.2 OK. I do
go through periods of both poverty and stress as a single mum, but overall, mothering is what I feel really good at.

I work nearly F/T in a flexible IT-based job from home and whilst I do not at all make a lot of money, I get by and could manage with 3, to be honest I don't think it would be that much different financially than 2 at least until university age! I have worked out I could afford 7-8 months maternity leave which is what I had before before paying a nursery or childminder.

The other part of me thinks: look at all the stats for age 35+ mums, increased risk of Down's and how would I cope with that (again, my positive spirit thinks I would cope - somehow) or multiple births etc. I've been very lucky to fall pregnant very quickly in the past but it might be different now, and having a disabled child or twins might be too much to handle.

I don't really have a lot of "support" in that I have NO family around, but I've got friends I can call on if needed and DC1 is in school with DC2 heading for pre-school soon.

Am I mad? Should I strictly tell myself "no"? Or does anyone empathize and think I could (even should) do it?

You said that I honestly don't think they're missing out in regards to activities.
I honestly can say - you won't know until they try. But obviously if they never try they won't know,

You sound like a great mother.

When you decide that your family is complete, would you consider fostering? Maybe even emergency fostering? There are a lot of kids out there who would really benefit from your capabilities. xx

We have 3 kids and I understand the yearning for a third child in one's late 30s as that was me too.

Now they are all older and eating a lot more and needing stuff (I could do a whole extra post on this) we are really struggling to make ends meet - even with 2 salaries coming into the house.

If you have a great job that is likely to last for the coming 14 years, then go for it. Otherwise I would re-consider very carefully.

Pasta, I am one of three and I have three dc. I really understand what you are saying about being loving and having that impulse squashed in childhood. I was determined above all else to give my children the unconditional love that was so lacking fRom my parents. Of course I am making mistakes every day, but I spend time with them, and enjoy them. I wanted a fourth, and it was only my age that stopped me really.

I also know what you mean about wanting to spend time with them. If I were you I would definitely try for a third. Please pm me if you would like to chat more about the dynamics of three. Good luck

tbh I think you sound a bit naive. You say that they don't miss out by not going to activities etc, I agree with that when they're only five and two but once they hit secondary age there will be a huge difference in what they want, they will become independent in their own right, and while I equally don't believe that children should have everything they want, if the answer is always no due to money then there will come a time when they will resent that.

And at secondary the costs go up hugely. because they will want stuff as well as to do things. mobile phones/tablets etc, plus school trips (mine is going to switzerland in july at a cost of ££££ and although not all trips are on the cards, equally you won't be able to say no to everything.

if you're already living in poverty then having another child would be immensely selfish and unwise.

As a mother of 3 older DC (15, 13 and 11) I am with those who are advocating caution.

They are much more expensive as they get older. Their clothes are more expensive. Even if they have no hobbies (!) they will want to go bowling or to see a film with friends. They eat a lot more. They want to have what their friends have, like xbox, or whatever. They need computers for school. (They can't easily share, as everyone's homework has to be done in the evening.)

(You dismiss the need for a larger house and car. What about if your DC want friends over. Where can they entertain them? What if they want a friend to come on an outing? How will you transport them?)

As for your little dream of finding a DP. He/she is likely to have DC of their own to support both financially and practically, so you will probably be no better off unless you find a millionaire.

You say you want to have a child to give lots of love to, because you were denied that as a child. Your children may be more like me, and resent the lack of material things, and amount of time given by my parents. (I am one of 6.) So, you need to decide who you are doing this for. And I really think your current DC will come off the losers in this.

I know this sounds harsh, and I apologise for that. But, please consider carefully.

In an already over populated world, every new human adds to the pollution and global warming problem that is a massive threat to our continued existence now.

How many more nappies would you be putting into landfill?
Another eventual car on the road, and your offspring's offspring adding to this.

People may say that you shouldn't have to consider these things but looking at the bigger picture is really important.

I think two is a lovely number.

We have three, (well four but the eldest is much older).
When we had one wage coming in we had to drop a lot of the activites (football subs add up quickly), they can play football down the park but it's not the same as in a team, same with swimming (no lessons, and it's hard to take three on your own, they only have just let us at the pool once the eldest was 8).

I love having three little ones but it is a lot of work. Even taking them to fecking parties (some weekends four parties in a w/e, and as they get older usually no siblings).

Few people will babysit, even fewer will take on all three of them for a play.

Having a cuddle often turns into a bit of a fight, only two arms the one on my lap always moans that they aren't getting a 'proper' cuddle.

We are often skint but I wouldn't change it for anything. :)

I wouldn't. You sound like you have things sorted right now and no need to upset the apple cart. I say that as a LP to one and I'd have liked more, wouldn't do it alone though in case it made things too much harder for me or my DS.

You say definitively that you'd never give up work - but if you had twins that might not be your choice to make.

How many miscarriages would you be prepared to have before you had a baby? At your age the odds are on at least one.

I always say to women considering late babies "think about twins, think about Downs, think about miscarriages, then choose" and you say that you've considered the first two, but it sounds like you're actually just keeping your fingers crossed that they won't happen.

I stuck at two, so it's not surprising that I'm instinctively team "quit while you're ahead", but ten years on from my own choice I have learned like the other posters that they do get much more expensive. A toddler costs peanuts (apart from childcare.....), but twelve years down the line you're pretty much supporting an actual freeloading adult, or two, or three.

Good luck with your family - you sound like a great mum.

Thanks for so many more replies.

RickOShay and Brie and Treaclepot thanks especially for interesting comments or encouragement.

Hmm...to the poster who said a fatherless family is not ideal; it is ideal for us. A traditional nuclear family doesn't suit everyone, it has to be a matter of personal choice. Our family is just right for us - of course, I'm glad yours is too if having a Dad in the family is what works for you. Nobody is been harmed in the making of our family

If you work from home and your life is dedicated to making a happy home it sounds a bit isolating to me. I wonder if life outside the house was fuller you might feel differently.

I do wonder this (above) sometimes. I do a lot of volunteering with vulnerable people above my job and meet friends (other mums usually) quite often but I guess if I was totally engrossed in my own life I might not consider another child. Hard to imagine, really, family is central for me.

I can't believe someone has used the number of nappies the baby would produce as a potential reason for me not to have no.3! The world's supposed over-population is the very last of my concerns - call me selfish if you like, but I think the main problems for mankind are to do with war, illness and loss of life NOT the creation of life!!!

"think about twins, think about Downs, think about miscarriages, then choose"

Twins - would be fine, am sure we'd manage.
Downs - I know much less about what this would entail as a parent. Would I have to stop work? If so, would I receive sufficient state benefits to help look after the child? As one poster said I could opt for early chromosomal testing and would then have a choice as to what to do though (just me) I'd be inclined never to terminate a pregnancy but to start planning for the extra support if I found something 'wrong'.
Miscarriages - I have a record of very high fertility but if I had losses in trying to conceive no.3 I probably would "give up", yes.

Finally I would absolutely love to foster but when I applied previously for fostering / adoption I was not allowed due to the risk that my close birth family member - don't misread this guys, NOT a former partner of mine but a relative who looked after me as a child (completely estranged, not nearby etc.) would appear on paper to the family "giving up" their child for adoption particularly as they were concerned about press reporting around this - as he's a pedophile. I was gutted at the time but then went on to conceive via sperm donor. Maybe I should try again but social services were quite unequivocal about this at that time - this is a whole other thread though so I won't get into it here.

And in conclusion: still undecided and not going to rush into anything but haven't ruled out no.3 yet either.

I certainly regret having 3 (no 3 wasn't planned)

There is nothing about 3 that is easier than 2. It is very rare for all 3 of them to play together or entertain each other (although it does happen on occassion)

My life - and theirs - would be miles better if we'd stopped at 2.

being able to participate in activities is very important to me. I was never allowed to do anything after school because I came from a big family. And I missed out.

Your response about fostering is weird
Firstly, fostering isn't adoption
Secondly parents don't get to choose who fosters their child
Thirdly that shouldn't be an obstacle

"Few people will babysit, even fewer will take on all three of them for a play."

Oh gosh, I'd forgotten about that.

As a friend confided to me after a few glasses of wine, "The trouble is that nobody wants you once there's three kids!"

Of course, she was being super melodramatic/exaggerating, but it's true that once you get to three kids, there are fewer invitations to take all the kids round because the sheer noise etc. gets overwhelming... It's harder to drop them off at a neighbor or relatives'... It's probably impossible to have them stay a few nights with auntie and uncle because of space issues....

Your response about fostering is weird
Firstly, fostering isn't adoption
Secondly parents don't get to choose who fosters their child
Thirdly that shouldn't be an obstacle

Why weird?
I applied to foster / adopt.
Parents don't get to choose, no, but social services were in this case cautious that press around my relative being a pedophile would mean that the parents with children being fostered / adopted would not be happy with their child being fostered / adopted by me, which is something they have to take into account, as they explained to me.
On many levels I totally agree it shouldn't be an obstacle - but it is.

Anyway, would prefer to leave this issue aside really as it's not terribly relevant except to explain briefly why i don't adopt or foster.

I'm a single mum of three.

It's doable but to be honest the 3rd was an accidental result of one really stupid and painful mistake. She's here now and I love her to pieces but my goodness, my life would be easier if I hadn't been so stupid!

However, your children are still very young which would probably make it easier for you. My girls are now 12, 7 and 11 months so I was literally just starting to feel that the hard years were over and children were becoming more self sufficient then I had to start all over again!

"Hmm...to the poster who said a fatherless family is not ideal; it is ideal for us. A traditional nuclear family doesn't suit everyone, it has to be a matter of personal choice".

Children don't get to make choices about how their family is structured.

Luckily children tend to accept what they're given and make the best of it. I've lived in developing countries where children are often bought up in hard conditions but do usually seem cheerful and resilient. Never the less, as adults, we owe it to them not to create precarious situations where illness and/or redundancy could spell disaster (and with this government it will be increasingly hard for families on benefits and low wages - the state is withdrawing....)

But I'm saying this without knowing about your family and friendship network, which may be fantastic and a great backup for you.

I totally agree with you, Mini. But I think too much emphasis is sometimes placed on financial stuff, some of the worst off children in this country are the ones who grow up in money-rich but dysfunctional families whose parents don't have time for them or place unrealistic expectations on them, teach them to be top dog instead of share etc. etc.!

I think you need to think a lot more about the ramifications which have been outlined here, rather than just glossing over them. Your children will want to participate in after-school activities when they get older. They will want to go on school trips.

I'm a single parent to a child in Y3. So far this year, he's had swimming at school (£25), 4 school trips costing around £50 total and it's only February.

I admit that my POV might be slightly tainted by the fact that my DS has a disability and I don't think I could cope financially or emotionally with even one more child, no matter about two. And believe me, having a child with a disability is absolutely affected by your financial situation but more than anything, it's an enormous drain on your emotional resources and a huge time sucker. I do an hour of occupational therapy with my DS every day.

It isn't about whether you can 'make it work' - it's about what's fair for your children. The ones you already have a responsibility to.

Don't worry, OddFodd I am thinking not glossing, hard to show deep thinking in short posts though!

That amount of school trips would be affordable. But not things like skiing in Switzerland etc. Definitely not. It's a balance isn't it?

I am sure it is not easy for you doing an hour of OT with DS every day. I am very confident in my emotional resources, I guess, because I have survived a lot in life so far.

But yes I totally agree - again - it's not just "making it work" but providing a joyful and comfortable life for my 2 or 3 (or 4 if twins) children. That's why I posted here, to see what the real challenges are...

Fair enough :)

My third child turned out to be the difficult one. Causes 3x as much stress as the other 3 kids put together. And would have been even worse if on my own.

Money can't replace love. We all know that.

But it's hard for children bought up in households where there is ongoing financial insecurity. Children bought up in households with high childcare costs and only one income are much more likely to experience this, unless their single parent has the constitution of an ox and a very large income indeed.

The 'worst off' children in the UK aren't those with money rich and time poor/dysfunctional parents. Those children still tend to go on to have jobs, a decent education, good physical health and housing.

I've just noticed from your OP that you have no family support.

If you need to work f/t to support your children, you're going to need a colossal amount of childcare - before and after school, school holidays. Even with one child at school and another getting their 15 hours a week, you're still looking at 20K a year in childcare costs surely for three children?

Overall I think I am going to try again with fostering, perhaps.

The main motivation for having another DC is because I have love to give, am a good mum (most of the time!) and enjoy looking after children.

There seems to be a lot of potential downsides to having 3 which might not materialize in practise but could do.

I am fortunate in having a lot of plus points for fostering, transport, flexible work schedule, mothering skills, etc. and enough space (just). So I think I will go back to social services in a year or so, having really prepared this time, and hope that (six years on from the initial assessment) their concerns about any media coverage of my pedophile relative etc. have faded or are at least an obstacle that I could challenge.

I'm not 100% decided but that's the way i feel having mulled everything over, wanting to give my own two a good life (tho no trips to Switzerland ) but not wanting to have no further input into other children's lives.

Thanks for all the comments.