AIBU to consider having a 3rd child as a single mum?

[PastaDecor]

I have two DCs aged 5 and 2 both of which were conceived via sperm donor (but privately at low cost, not via an expensive clinic).

I'm nearing 40 and have huge urges to have a 3rd child.

I quite enjoyed pregnancy (a pre-existing anxiety disorder that got a bit worse notwithstanding), birth no.1 was very hard but birth no.2 OK. I do
go through periods of both poverty and stress as a single mum, but overall, mothering is what I feel really good at.

I work nearly F/T in a flexible IT-based job from home and whilst I do not at all make a lot of money, I get by and could manage with 3, to be honest I don't think it would be that much different financially than 2 at least until university age! I have worked out I could afford 7-8 months maternity leave which is what I had before before paying a nursery or childminder.

The other part of me thinks: look at all the stats for age 35+ mums, increased risk of Down's and how would I cope with that (again, my positive spirit thinks I would cope - somehow) or multiple births etc. I've been very lucky to fall pregnant very quickly in the past but it might be different now, and having a disabled child or twins might be too much to handle.

I don't really have a lot of "support" in that I have NO family around, but I've got friends I can call on if needed and DC1 is in school with DC2 heading for pre-school soon.

Am I mad? Should I strictly tell myself "no"? Or does anyone empathize and think I could (even should) do it?

I know you've responded again, but I hope you don't mind me adding my experience.

I have three, the third is still a baby. I found my first child quite a shock, and going from 1-2 really easy. Three has been a shock. I have a partner and ours was a surprise, but I'd seriously consider stopping at two if I were you.

You mentioned swimming a while back. You probably wouldn't be able to take them for a few years unless you have a friend who'll come (with the associated costs). Most pools won't let you have 3 children to one adult (even if, like my eldest, yours is a strong swimmer. The do the ratio based on the youngest. So if you have a baby, you can't have more than one other child with you unless they are old enough to be unaccompanied).

I know that's a small thing. But it's an example of how much more practically difficult things get. Taking DD1 to the school disco (DH often works away) involved dragging a pre-schooler and a baby out close to bedtime. Multiply by two when they younger one starts school. Similar difficulties with birthday parties.

Three is 50% more children. And the time that child needs comes out of your time. Sure, each child gets a bit less. But you get a whole lot less. Once they are in bed you're doing the things you didn't gee a chance to do during the day (washing up, washing, etc etc).

I am sure that, in some ways, it will get easier once the baby is older. But DD1 is nearly 6 and so gorgeous and I wish I had more time for her. I feel bad that, by the time the baby is more independent, she'll be 8, and there will have been a big chunk of time where she didn't get much of me. We manage this as best we can by often one of us doing something with one of the older ones and the other taking baby + other child. You can't do that when it's just you.

Yes thanks Penguins. I think this is what I am hearing from lots of people here. No other single mums of 3 have posted so that bit is rather an unknown quantity but obviously it cannot be easier than having 3 DCs when you also have a DP and plenty of people have posted from that perspective saying it's hard. I don't want to lose out on more time with my eldest who did lose out initially when I had DC2 (although I don't regret that at all, as I know having a sibling is a good thing for both of them in the long run particularly as otherwise they'd only have me as their family).

I think pinning my hopes and plans on fostering will allow me to feel I might have the chance of mothering more little ones in future but it will allow me to put the DCs I do have first.

And you're right I do need some "me" time, just a little at least.

I know a woman who is a single mother of four . Two in one relationship, a fair gap and then two more.

She finds it very hard. She's been a single mum of two and a single mum of four and she says four is waaaaay harder (as you'd probably expect). She's constantly having to beg favours or turn down birthday parties (can't drop the 5 year old at one party and the 7 year old at another at the same time and also give the 12 year old a lift to swimming, etc).

I'm a single mum of 3, obviously it's harder then 2 I posted at the beginning of the thread about the jump from 2 to 3 being greater then 1 to 2, but tbh I don't find the time issue that others have mentioned to be an issue, we all muck in together. They have their falling out but it isn't a constant battle for attention, although fitting 3 on your lap at once is tricky weirdly it's harder in some was when their dad visits as it upsets the dynamic. Generally we all look after each other and it just works.

You mention the difficulties of having g a child with disabilities as a single parent I,m not sure just by how much the risk goes up as you get older( I obviously know it does) my son has a rare chromosome disorder and has ASD and learning difficulties thought to be caused by the chromosome disorder I,m not single and as a two parent family its hard I,m guessing it must be much harder as a single parent so you are right to take this into consideration.

I am/was a single mum with 3 children and when the third was born, I too had no family around me. I found it a huge struggle initially, mainly due to major sleep deprivation and just the change of having three rather than two to deal with. Saying that, they are now slightly older (all under 6) and although I find it very difficult at times, I would not change it for anything. The family dynamic with me and three little ones is wonderful. I knew I wanted a third child, my family just didn't seem complete.
Only one thing I would consider - having a good friend/s standing by to look after your older ones, just in case you need a big longer to recover. (BTW - I was in my 40's as well - and found it more tiring when pregnant, but recovered fine).
If you feel like there is a further child waiting to join your family - then just go for it. You only get one life - don't live it with regrets.
Good luck!

As long as the tax payer doesnt have to pay for the upkeep of your additional child, then go ahead

(I've just skim read so apologies if you covered this)

Have you made a conscious decision NOT to find a life partner? Is that not the gap in your heart you are trying to fill?

I just wondered about one point, your DC2 is 2, would be 3 when you had DC3 at least, and given the age gaps, this is the point after having DC1 that you started to plan DC2, it's also the end of the baby stage with DC2. Are you certain it's a 3rd child you want or a 3rd baby ? If it's just the latter, then don't do it, if it's realising you are leaving the 'baby stage' of parenting and want that back, then a 3rd won't solve that for more than a couple of years. At that point, you'll have to move onto the next phase of parenting, or work out if you can afford a 4th...

The benefits question is an important actually, not from a "how dare you plan a child you can't afford!" DailyMail-angst point of view, but from a practical one. There is a lot of handwringing in the press about "woman having more children than they can afford" and expecting the tax payer to 'raise them'. Capping benefits at 2 children has already been mooted, if the Tories win another term it could well be brought in and would be popular with their voters. In this political climate, I really wouldn't plan a 3rd (or more) child you can't afford with in your current income levels.

Oh but sympathies, we've recently taken the decision to stop at 2 DCs, although I'd previously wanted 3. Realistically, I'm getting older, my body doesn't do pregnancy and birth well. We can't afford a 3rd, it will be longer I'm a SAHM (childcare is currently break even with what I could earn, with 3 it would be massively more than I brought in until they were at least at pre-school stage), it would mean lowing the standard of living of the other 2 DCs, and DC2 doesn't sleep well, the idea of another like this would break me...

but it's still hard to accept that I'll never go through pregnancy again. DC2 is 20 months, running around, saying quite a few words, she's not really a baby any more, another 6 months and my 'baby years' will be over - and that's quite sad to think about.

It's shit having to be a grown up and think about practical things sometimes.

Mary: that's why it is so lovely to have DGC especially if you have a good relationship with your DCs spouses or partners.

Could you foster - if so, might that be an idea worth pursuing? I'm always blown away by those people you read about or see on TV, sometimes, who have provided a good home and a bit of stability for children who really need those things.

Pinkje I really, really don't see myself with a partner. I try to imagine it from time to time. I have had a go at dating. I just don't see it. I'm not ruling it out, perhaps I will be proven wrong - but it's not something I want for myself or am aiming for or feel I miss at all. I know that sounds odd in our culture, but plenty of women decide not to have children, for me it's in that bracket, I've decided not to have a partner!

Heysham and theend thanks for your experience of single mothering 3 children +. Sorry I failed to notice that at first theend!

Oh, I don't know! Back to feeling undecided again. I am really enjoying life with my 2 DCs at the moment, and that makes me feel both that
(a) I'd love to add to the joy by having another and also that
(b) I shouldn't jeopardize this calm, happy family by having another!

If only we had crystal balls, eh? Guess the thing is to live in the present and enjoy these precious times now whatever happens in the future.

Pasta I toootally get your no partner thing. I can see that if anything god forbid happened to my dh I wouldn't want to be with anyone.
I think fostering is a wonderful idea. Im not adopted but come from a family of adoptees and I get to see the wonderful postives all the time. Best of luck

Could you cope with the two you have and be pregnant? Who will look after the children whilst you have the third bearing in mind labour is unpredictable and at unsociable hours? Only having the 1 to deal with at the last birth is very different to now having two to sort ( with different needs).

Second the clubs and just the simple logistics. Things like only one child being able to have a friend in a standard car if you are doing family trips out, lifts etc. Birthday parties where you have to allow for two siblings before you have budgeted for friends, extra rooms at hotels when they are older. Two of them well into secondary (tons of homework, parties, fashion, hornmones) whilst the third is still skipping around at primary school.

Sure this isn't just the thought that pretty soon the choice will be taken away? I had an ectopic pregnancy at 39 and with only one tube I was upset that my baby making days were over. Was actually relieved when I miscarried a year later..it was the idea rather than the reality I had been upset about.

I think that having 3 would stretch you very thin. But must admit I am influenced by seeing a friend of mine who has also gone the sperm donation route and works full time with two under 5, and is practically a zombie at the moment. Clearly you have amazing stamina... But still, I'd be of the 'quit while you're ahead' persuasion.

I posted a few months back as I was also trying to decide whether to have a third DC. I'm not a single parent but DH works very long hours so virtually everything relating to the house and DC falls to me. Our youngest DC has been in hospital a lot with breathing issues due to contracting bronchiolitis while a few weeks old - despite having been perfectly healthy at birth. Even with family support, each hospital stay (the longest being 10 days) has been incredibly tough and I have no idea logistically how I would have coped without DH or family to look after my older child while I was in hospital with the younger one.

Anyway my head won over my heart and we will be stopping at 2DC so you won't be surprised that I also really do think you should quit while you are ahead and try to foster again at a later date. Good luck.

Op you sound like an amazing mum. I am also in the quit when you are ahead camp to be honest .
3 is hard
Money
Doing all this on your own
Finding time for all three when you work

I also don't think you will spend the rest of your life regretting not having had a 3rd

And .... You clearly really really want one and if you did . Best of British luck !

I am one of 3 and I grew up in a very financially unstable household. Don't underestimate the effect it can have on your kids. I will never expose my kids to the corrosive effect of constant money worries, and it's part of the reason I won't have more than two children. We were "middle class" and went to good schools, always had food to eat but there were no extras, our uniforms were always shabby, there were no holidays, thehouse was falling apart and I was embarrassed to have people over, things were always breaking & we couldnt afford to fix them, my parents drove a bomb of a car.

Don't romanticise poverty, it's shit, especially when you're an easily-embarrassed teenager. I had part-time jobs from the time I was 13. I worked all the time, weekends, after school, at university I'd work 3 jobs while studying for 2 degrees - I mean, go me but it would have been nice to have had a bit of help. It was bloody exhausting. Oh and it doesn't mean your teenagers will all stick together - my sister and I had to share a room (there's 4 years between us) til she left home at 22 (couldn't afford to go away for university) - we get on well now but we HATED each other for most of that time and we HATED sharing a room. (God I was so happy when I moved out to a scummy flat share and had my own room. What bliss.) My younger brother had his own room but felt left out because we girls were a gang in a room together. Go figure.

So I vote no, obviously.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I know three families where number 3 was twins.....

If you haven't considered the environmental angle that I talked about upthread, please do.

I think your idea of fostering is wonderful and probably the answer to your dilemma. My neighbours foster very small children and they are past retirement age, it seems to give them a new lease of life.

I wouldn't advise it because of the going through poverty comment, but that's because the thought of not having enough to make ends meet terrifies me. I read on another thread that a poster couldn't go to hospital for her treatment because she couldn't afford the parking, which made me shudder (the difficulty she must be facing, that is). So no way would I take on a massive financial commitment if I already had times of poverty . Depends exactly what you mean by it - cancelling a few trips out is a far cry from making a tin of beans last a week and not putting the heating on.

I am tickled by the thought of someone basing their decision about having children on the environmental angle. You only have one shot at life but heeeey think of the landfills!