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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL fell asleep with baby

150 replies

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 01:04

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

OP posts:
Dieu · 22/02/2015 01:09

I don't see it as the biggest of deals. Nobody came to any great harm as a result, and grandma is probably feeling pretty foolish. Yes, probably best left until your baby is older. We live and learn.

MrsTawdry · 22/02/2015 01:13

YABU. But hormonal and easily upset. So it's fine. Don't let DD be with her till she's older if it's going to make you this upset.

UterusUterusGhali · 22/02/2015 01:13

Were they on a bed?
Was she putting the baby to sleep?
Were they co-sleeping?
Do you live together?

I'm not sure I really see a problem tbh.
If dd was full on "screaming" wouldn't dmil wake?
Does she have hearing loss or was v tired?

MidniteScribbler · 22/02/2015 01:15

So you never fall asleep when your child is in the house? Good grief. Grown adult dozes off while cuddling child. Better call social services.

mrsfuzzy · 22/02/2015 01:17

how the heck did she sleep through with a screaming baby next to her ?? but seriously it doesn't sound like it is something to make a big issue of, but as dieu says you might want to leave the 'baby sitting' with mil for now. is dd your first child ? if so it is reasonable that you are concerned, 'seasoned mums' would probably be more relaxed about it, but if it's a first child you are more likely to worry more.

Strokethefurrywall · 22/02/2015 01:18

YABU - but apparently hormonal. Don't make your MIL feel worse than she probably already does. Baby was fine. They cry, it's what they do. Great. She wasn't going to starve in the 10 minutes or so that she wasn't being attended to.
Take a breath and go back to sleep.

mrsfuzzy · 22/02/2015 01:19

o.p you may think we are being a bit rough on you but you did not really give us much info to go on so, it's easy to get judgy.

cookiefiend · 22/02/2015 01:25

I am not too sure why she would be sleeping in with her grandma when you were there anyway- she is quite young?

The only thing that would concern me is that the screaming did not wake your MIL and that would put me off leaving her to sleep with you MIL until she is sleeping through. I wouldnt be angry though- just MIL is not as intune with your baby as you are. just learn from it and move on. It is quite early days- I felt quite panicked early on when I was seperated from DD and I am not surprised this has upset you- just try not to take it out as anger on your MIL.

RJnomore · 22/02/2015 01:28

Baby cries for 10 minutes shocker!

Honestly you will laugh at yourself in a few years.

Was it really full on screaming?

mrsfuzzy · 22/02/2015 01:34

i don't think op will write any more tonight, she possibly feels silly as most posters seem to be taking the piss, did no one else panic over every small thing with their first child ? assuming it her first. it was a bit ott reaction but i feel a little sorry for her getting this reaction,yes, she will probably laugh about it in the future but right now it has obviously upset her.

ILovedYouYesterday · 22/02/2015 01:36

I am not sure I'd be angry with her. It wasn't deliberate and she probably feels awful even if she's a bit on the defensive about it.

However, if she's such a deep sleeper that she didn't wake when a baby was screaming right next to her, ywnbu to not let her have DD overnight for a while - was DD in her cot/basket in mils room for the night? That's the secenario I am picturing.

Hugs to you, it can't have been nice to find your 6 week old had been crying on her own for that long. I'd have been upset by that when mine were tiny. My mum always used to offer to have them in with her but I wouldn't have slept brilliantly apart from them at that age anyway, my ears would have been on hyper alert up all night long!

LaLyra · 22/02/2015 01:44

Was she sleeping next to MIL as in baby in moses basket/cot next to Grandma's bed or had your fallen asleep with her on her bed?

Next to the bed in a cot/basket then you are being unfair, MIL wasn't to know she'd not hear the baby crying. Falling asleep on the bed isn't great. Grandparents shouldn't co-sleep, especially if they don't hear the baby due to being heavy sleepers or over-tired.

TheChickenSituation · 22/02/2015 01:57

I don't quite follow.

You say 'upstairs'. Are you all in the same house?

If so, YABU, as no-one stays awake all through the night just because there's a baby in the house.

If I've misundersotod, I apologise.

Topseyt · 22/02/2015 02:10

If she was actually in the bed with your MIL then I would be concerned that MIL is too much of a heavy sleeper to wake if there was a problem and could have rolled on top of your baby without even realising.

If she was in a Moses basket next to the bed then there is no harm done, but it has probably come as a shock to your MIL that she is not able to be as responsive to the baby as she had been convinced she would be. She is probably embarrassed about it, so is being defensive.

SavoyCabbage · 22/02/2015 02:26

If she was in bed with her and hadn't woken up despite the 10 minutes of crying, then I would not be thrilled as your mil must be a very heavy sleeper and therefore should not be in a bed with a tiny baby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2015 02:41

She's very tiny and doesn't need to be sleeping with anyone but you and your DH. Parents will wake at the slightest cry, anyone else may not. Lesson learned. Is there pressure to let DD sleep with DGM?

AlpacaMyBags · 22/02/2015 02:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 02:54

Sorry for not much info I was really fuming. MIL has been asking for her overnight so I thought tonight would be okay whilst me and DP were downstairs. She's my PFB so possible major over reaction. They were in bed together so all I could think was 'what if she suffocated and died?'
Agreeably very far fetched and unlikely but it did scare me.

OP posts:
WyrdByrd · 22/02/2015 03:03

FWIW I think I would have been a bit freaked out by the dozing off while in bed with baby, unless she knows lots about co-sleeping. Was your DD meant to be in a crib/travel cot.

6 weeks is very young for sleepovers. My DD went to stay over with my parents at that age, I must admit, but she was in a travel cot and both my olds are insomniacs (like me)!

AlpacaLypse · 22/02/2015 03:10

It's quite interesting how the effect on humans of the sound of a baby crying changes depending on age and sex of the person hearing it.

Before I was a mother, it was disquieting but mostly irritating.

When my children were very little, it was unendurable, and I had to fight the urge to go towards it. I remember very clearly being in a supermarket and hearing a newborn wail - my boobs immediately sprang a leak and I found I was already pushing my trolley towards the source of the sound before I could stop myself.

Now, my children are teenagers, and although I feel sympathy rather than irritation when I hear a very little baby crying, I don't feel an overwhelming urge to go to them.

One thing I am well aware of, my hearing is beginning to go and I know damn well my mother's is gone. She might well genuinely not have heard your dd.

SavoyCabbage · 22/02/2015 03:28

Don't let anyone push you into having your baby. Six weeks old is very young for her not to be with you. She's your baby.

paxtecum · 22/02/2015 03:28

Alpaca: I don't agree with you.
I'm a grandma and whenever I've looked after my young DGC overnight I wake up at the slightest murmur.

I don't understand how MIL can sleep through a 6 week old baby's cries.
Also, the baby should not be in bed with her.

paxtecum · 22/02/2015 03:31

Op: I would be fuming too. I don't understand the relaxed replies on here.

GColdtimer · 22/02/2015 03:39

YANBU

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 03:43

Co-sleeping with someone sufficiently lacking in alertness not to hear a baby scream for 16 minutes is dangerous. You're warned never to sleep with a baby if very tired for exactly that reason - I was shopping for a few baby things in JL last year and a heavily pregnant woman started chatting, and it came out she was a paramedic and she said she would never co-sleep or leave any loose bedding, ever, after attending more than one suffocation death of a very small baby. Rare, but does happen.

You don't have to be hormonal to be angry at this, I would be as well. And no, she isn't really at a place in life to have a newborn or very young child overnight, fab grandma though she may well prove in a lot of other ways.