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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL fell asleep with baby

150 replies

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 01:04

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 22/02/2015 03:44

Sorry, 10 minutes! Not sure how that came out a 6.

TheChickenSituation · 22/02/2015 03:47

In that case, YA totally NBU, and I don't understand why she needs to have such a young baby overnight. I also don't understand why she needs to co-sleep.

I am very pro co-sleeping, but it has to be done safely, and if she's not tuned into your baby enough to wake up whilst co-sleeping, that's completely unsafe and I would not be sending your baby overnight with her again.

TheChickenSituation · 22/02/2015 03:52

Alpaca - totally agree! I remembering flying long haul with PFB when he was 4 months old. I must've finally fallen asleep when I heard a baby wail, and lurched myself bodily out of the seat, head whipping from side to side, trying to orientate myself. I must've looked a sight.

PFB was fast asleep. It was another baby who'd let out the cry, and my reaction was just a totally automatic reflex!

redcaryellowcar · 22/02/2015 03:54

YANBU, may I suggest you look at the lullaby trust website which has guidelines on safe sleeping. Personally I would not be leaving a baby with anyone who wouldn't almost immediately respond to them crying and not overnight until they were at least a year or more.
Don't be pressured into feeling you have to let her be away overnight. She is your baby, your mil has had her babies it's your turn now.
Please also don't be made to feel silly or unreasonable by people on here , you are a mum now and your hormones are running high but rightly so to protect and care for your baby, small babies need to be responded to, mummies hear them because that's your job. best piece of advice I was given when dc-1 was a baby was "trust your instincts" don't worry about anything else.

fizzycolagurlie · 22/02/2015 04:12

I think you made a mistake to let her sleep with your tiny baby and you won't be doing it again. Could have been a lot worse. Really you don't have a right to be angry as you agreed to it. Be angry with yourself for such a bad decision.

Weebirdie · 22/02/2015 04:27

Dont be too angry with her or go in all heavy handed with 'rules' based on last night. Maybe she was really tired with all the excitement, maybe she's a really heavy sleeper, either way just be gentle with your approach because they're really is no need to go in all heavy handed at all.

I have grandchildren who have stayed with me since day one and I wake up at the slightest snuffle but I am a very light sleeper and who knows how long it would take to wake up if I wasn't - we are all different.

Oh and this nonsense about blame yourself for making a bad decision - ignore it.

You're a family with have a much loved baby to look after and you're all learning.

Coyoacan · 22/02/2015 04:35

oh it is not MIL's fault. But I am surprised at the idea of leaving your six-week baby with someone else. I'm not criticising, just can understand how your instincts rebelled at what happened with your MIL.

Kittymum03 · 22/02/2015 04:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhMjh · 22/02/2015 05:07

Another one baffled as to why she was with MIL and not with you in the first place if it wasn't something you readily wanted to do. I really don't understand why relatives want to look after a baby that young over night and you certainly shouldn't be letting her stay if it isn't something you're 100% comfortable with, even if you're down stairs.

Don't let anyone make you do anything; As exciting as a new baby is, there is no need for her to stay anywhere but with you unless you really need a break. And yes, I'd also be quering as to how she slept through those cries comfortably.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/02/2015 05:49

Op I sympathise. I have 4w old pfb DD and I know my mum, who was a GREAT mum to four kids, does not know about current guidelines.

She has a real knack with babies, much more than I do, but she was not aware of things like not leaving a baby on their front etc - simply because guidance has changed so much!

However for this reason I will not let anyone sleep with or put DD to bed fir about the first year. Her grandmas can have a great relationship with her without sleepovers.

Mind you, I am bf so it's easy to find an excuse. Can you get DP on board and explain the dangers?

Weebirdie · 22/02/2015 05:55

I have done big chunks of nights with all of my grandchildren from day one till they went home with their parents up to 6 weeks weeks later. Its called helping to look after your grandchildren and helping their mums recover from pregnancy/giving birth.

I don't understand why it baffles people so much and I certainly don't give a second thought to people who do things differently in their family. I just read and move on to the next line.

Booboostoo · 22/02/2015 06:11

I don't think your MIL is able to cope with such a young baby overnight. Don't make a big deal of it but gently and firmly tell her there won't be any overnight visits until DC is much older.

weebairn · 22/02/2015 06:21

Wee birdie, you sound like a lovely grandma and my mum has done and does the same for me when I am completely exhausted with my toddler and baby. In fact she is in bed with my toddler right now...

I credit a lot of my "success" at bf to my wonderful mum and boyfriend who give me breaks in the hard times, sometimes by sleeping with baby and bringing to me just for feeds. There's no pressure whatsoever, they do it when I'm on my knees!

However even though my mum is a bit deaf I would be completely freaked out if a baby lying right next to her cried for 10 minutes and don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all.

Stormingateacup · 22/02/2015 06:25

It's completely unnecessary for a 6 week old to be with anyone but you. Do not let yourself be bullied into anything you don't want.

TRexingInAsda · 22/02/2015 07:06

6 weeks is far too young for someone else to have the baby overnight. Co-sleeping is not safe for a grandparent and young baby. Mothers have much more awareness of a co-sleeping baby - read the studies, read the safe co-sleeping guidance. Maybe you are angry with yourself as you know this but gave in to pressure? Next time say no.

Thumbwitch · 22/02/2015 07:15

I don't see why she wants to have such a young baby overnight!
I wouldn't have (and didn't) let either of mine away from me overnight until they were a year old - might have done it between 6m and 12m if there had been a need, but there wasn't. Certainly not at 6w though!!

GymBum · 22/02/2015 07:24

Op YANBU. DD is our PFB and there is no way I would have been able to let her go anywhere without me overnight at 6 weeks old. I have nothing against co-sleeping but I was petrified of co-sleeping with DD so there was no way I woud have allowed anyone else to do it.

This is your DD, don't let anyone pressurise you into doing anything you are not ready to do, don't feel comfortable with and/or don't want to do.

maddening · 22/02/2015 07:27

fizzy I don't think the op agreed to mil co sleeping which happened either accidentally which is dangerous or the mil intended to without the op's agreement which is sneaky and unsafe as she is evidently a light sleeper without the new mum instincts.

BMO · 22/02/2015 07:28

You should never let anyone other than the breastfeeding mother sleep next to a little baby - it's too dangerous.

If you want to let someone else look after the baby (though sounds like you don't really!) make sure the baby is in a basket or cot.

Original poster

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 07:31

Just to point out DD was suppose to be sleeping in her Moses basket next to MIL bed. I was only downstairs so I was free to check on her as I pleased. I felt like I trusted MIL 100% until this happened.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 22/02/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chottie · 22/02/2015 07:31

OP - there are some very 'robust' replies to you. Please don't let them get to you.

I'm not sure whether you meant your MiL was sleeping with the baby in her bed? If so, this is a no-no. Please be firm with your MiL, guidelines have changed so much since her DCs were babies.

You are NBU at all and I speak as a DM whose DD has a 3 week old baby. I listen to my DD and we follow the current guidelines, eg sleeping on the back, feet to the bottom of the cot etc. Things have changed, MiL has had her babies, this is your precious LO and MiL needs to step in line.

Iggly · 22/02/2015 07:34

Yanbu she should not be cosleeping with your baby.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 22/02/2015 07:35

I'll just agree by saying that don't be pushed into letting anyone have your baby overnight, she's only 6 weeks old, that's nothing.

And your mil shouldn't be co-sleeping with her. Have a look at the lullaby trust website if you haven't already.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/LThome

littlejessie · 22/02/2015 07:35

I too think 6 weeks is far too young for a sleepover, and that co-sleeping was dangerous and shouldn't have happened.

OP were you under pressure from MIL to agree to this?

I ask because my own MIL pressurised my DP to persuade me to express milk so she could feed my ten day old child because she was struggling to bond.... in context of her other grandchildren she is very over involved and dominant, to the point of undermining their parents so I did not agree!

I'm wondering how comfortable you really were with the sleepover, and whether your reaction illustrates your true feelings about handing LO over for the night.

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