MIL fell asleep with baby

[YellowTangerine]

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

I can remember my DN been a few weeks old and hearing full on crying for about 10 minutes. So I walked upstairs to find DN in his moses basket screaming his head off, DSis fast asleep in bed so I walked over picked DN up to give him a cuddle, told my sister off that it was impossible to sleep through that noise and she should of asked me to have him

When I had DD1 very complicated and touchy birth so I sleep for nearly 2 weeks, DH did everything for her whilst I slept and recovered. She must of been about 2 weeks old and I did the very same thing as my sister only this time it was DH telling me off and used nearly the same words I said to my sister

We joke about it now and both of us co sleept with baby 2 and 3. Your DD doesn't need sleepovers she will get nothing from them she's so young, you'll be distressed and worried the only person who gains from a sleepover is DMIL. What does DH say about sleepover?

YANBU at all. If you aren't comfortable then say no, it's what I do and MIL doesn't push so much anymore. Good luck!

YANBU. I would be livid too and not just if it was my PFB! I am ebf with DD2 so it wasn't an option for MIL.

If she wants to give you a break, then she can clean the house, stock the freezer, do a food shop, etc. Her role, at this point, is to support you as a new mum by doing everything else but care for your baby.

She can do sleepovers with her GC when they are school aged.

If your MIL could sleep through 10 minutes of a baby crying right next to her, then no, she shouldn't be co-sleeping. She could have rolled over onto her, with that lack of awareness. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I co slept with all my children and always had an awareness of where they were, even when I was asleep. My SIL fell asleep with week old baby on his chest, rolled over and the baby fell off the bed. Trip to A&E and baby fine. My daughter was hysterical, and not over-reacting. SIL never slept with baby again. He hadn't been drinking, drugs, just a heavy sleeper.

I also really, really don't get all the DMs and MILs who want to have infant grandchildren overnight. Seems odd to me.

Have had my DGC to stay since 6 weeks to give the exhausted parents a break. I was more aware of them than my own children but they slept in a Moses basket next to me because I do not agree with co sleeping. I always had them in for a cuddle in the morning though!

I understand that kind of "sleepover" sandgrown, but so often we read on here of GMs putting lots of pressure on to get to have baby GC sleeping over, sometimes from birth.

Morning cuddles are great for all involved. Bonding, squidgy time.

Have to say I'm surprised by posters saying you are being PFB. I am well past the PFB stage - co sleeping is not something to be done thoughtlessly regardless of how many children you have had. Obviously as a child gets older grandma could co sleep if everyone is happy with this.

You're not being PFB or U.

YANBU, Yanbu, yanbu
Really surprised at some of the responses you have received as well

I co sleep. I'm a breastfeeding, light sleeping, responsive mother. I follow every single guideline.

Your mil did not and its not worth the risk.

If that was me, in same situation with pfb, yes I would be upset. Yanbu

Actually I would be upset with any of my children not just pfb

OP you are getting a rough time because you are drip feeding and not explaining yourself properly.

Do I have this right? MIL asked if she could have baby overnight. You said OK, but me and DP will also be there. You all went to MILS house. Baby was supposed to be in moses basket next to MILS bed. However, when you went upstairs to check out crying, baby was in the bed with MIL and MIL had not woken?

If so, YANBU. MIL should not have put baby in bed with her, this is totally unnacceptable.

However, no harm done, and I agree with PP, baby was too young for this, I can't really see what MIL was trying to gain from it? Is she one of those "It's my baby MILS?

If so, you need to toughen up and start saying NO more regularly.

My advice would be to say little but act lots, i.e much firmer boundaries, standing your ground.

YANBU

If you feel comfortable with someone looking after your newborn, have at it. I wouldn't let my baby stay with someone that could sleep through them crying. A gp should not co-sleep.

I think the drip feed is because the OP posted at 1 am as a means to vent, rather than say unforgivable things to her MIL, when very upset. I doubt most of us would write considered, detailed yet succinct posts in that situation, you know? So she had to add the details in when asked by other posters.

Hope you feel a bit less fraught this am, OP.

RJnomore "Baby cries for 10 minutes shocker! Honestly you will laugh at yourself in a few years. Was it really full on screaming?"

WTF? "Laugh at yourself"? How the hell can you think think it was acceptable - let alone funny?

YABU to be angry with MIL.

Your baby, your responsibility at 6 weeks old. If you want to hand it over you have to accept things won't be as you like.

YANBU to not take MIL up on offer until baby is older.

op I may be projecting here! but you need to put your foot down now IMO...

There is no need for a 6 week old baby to have a 'sleepover'. None of mine stayed overnight with grandparents until they were 2 or 3 (ie, when they were old enough to want to).

It would also worry me that she took it upon herself to put your baby in her bed when you had expected your baby to be sleeping in the Moses basket. That is overstepping the mark by a few hundred miles and I too would be fuming!

Learn from my mistakes and put some firm boundaries in now - or like me, you may end up with a huge blow out fallout in a few years which isn't much fun...

Yanbu.

MIL should not be co sleeping with a young baby if she doesn't wake up when the baby cries. Of course not. She could have rolled onto the baby and suffocated her.

Also she shouldn't be watching baby overnight if she doesn't wake up when she cries. Absolutely bizarre earlier replies to this. Yes babies do cry, but as parents we shouldn't choose to put our babies in situations where no one will respond to their cries. 10 minutes is a long time to a tiny baby who is hungry or thirsty or scared or in pain, and doesn't yet understand that her carer may be asleep/ downstairs and will come later.

Also I don't think MIL should have co slept without asking you. I co sleep with our baby and love it- but we researched how to do it more safely. Just falling asleep unplanned with baby next to you carries many more risks.

I wouldn't let DH sleep next to our newborn baby for example. Mums/ the primary caregiver, especially breastfeeding mums, have more awareness of baby next to them, and will wake up more easily, and are more likely to be aware of baby when they move the covers and move around in bed.

I don't understand why MIL is pushing to have your baby overnight at 6 weeks though. Completely bizarre (unless you are desperate for some sleep and she wanted to help you). At this age baby is safest and happiest with their primary caregiver (usually mum) overnight.

I would veto any further overnights and specify no co sleeping for daytime naps, and encourage MIL to look after her in ways you are comfortable with, e.g. in the daytime. Don't feel pressured into having MIL care for your baby in ways you don't feel comfortable with- your baby needs you to protect her.

Who in their right mind would be pressuring a mother to hand over their 6 week old first born for an overnight stay? Sounds like she might need a reborn doll for Christmas/birthday.

Next time she hints at it, let her know in the nicest possible way, that she can fuck right off. Even better, get your husband to deal with her.
What did he think of the whole thing anyway? You don't mention much about his input, or lack of, in the situation.

YANBU.

I sleep deeply, therefore I never co-sleep with DD and won't entertain the possibility until she's old enough to shake me awake

MIL is awful for pressuring you into it. Your baby is only six weeks old :( tell her to fuck right off next time.

No no no, YANBU! I can't understand WHY MIL wanted the baby sleeping beside her when baby's parents were downstairs? The baby is 6w old! I just don't understand it at all. The only place a 6w old baby should be sleeping is with their parents, NOT with grandparents unless there is a good enough reason. And grandma wanting to play mom is not a good enough reason.

OP, you need to start setting boundaries with MIL. She had no right to ask for your 6w old baby to sleep away from you in the first place. As for the co-sleeping I am absolutely horrified that she did that - it was dangerous and completely inappropriate and uncalled for. Your baby had a Moses basket to sleep in. Your MIL was completely irresponsible. From now on, daytime visits only and absolutely no co-sleeping. And you need to assert yourself (hard to do I know when you are only 6w post-birth) but YOU are the mom, not MIL. If you don't agree with something, then speak up. And where's your husband in all of this? He should've told MIL to back off in the first place for demanding she wants to separate a newborn from its mom, when mom doesn't want to do so.

I have co-slept longterm with all of my children out of necessity. The alternative was literally staying up all night while I held them as the hated Moses baskets.

However, I followed all the guidelines to mak it as safe as possible (husband in another room, no blankets, I BF etc... )

As part of my job I go to inquests a lot. I have never been to an inquest where a sober mother has injured her child while co-sleeping. I havebeen to several where babies have been suffocated when co-sleeping with another adult (usually a grandparent or father). For this reason I'd never, ever leave a newborn overnight with anyone but myself. They wake too frequently, and anyone looking after tem is going to be tired and and may fall asleep with them.

I'm astonished at posters who accuse you of being "pfb" about this, OP. Or those who say you'll laugh it off later - really? It's funny that a grandmother took it upon herself to ignore what you asked, took the baby into bed with her, and then slept through her cries??

As for these grandmothers who demand alone time with new babies - I really don't get it. I had 4 children of my own and remember well how you never really fall into a deep sleep. I cannot imagine sleeping through a baby's crying.

And now, as a devoted granny, I still can't sleep when I have one of the little ones to sleep over (I'm talking over a year old, and for one night - we live close by). I am on high alert all night long - one reason I can't have them more than one night. I hear every snuffle and cough. I am always relieved (if exhausted) when it's morning.

It's a huge responsibility looking after a new baby - how can people be so casual about it? She's done you a favour, though, OP, by proving she is not to be trusted. You have all the evidence you need to stop it happening again. Just imagine if you hadn't been there, though - I doubt she'd have told you what she had done - and I find that deeply worrying.

In any case, I agree with another poster who says babies aren't little dolls to be handed around - I wouldn't have dreamt of letting anyone mind my 6 week old overnight, quite apart from the breastfeeding issue.

Never let anyone lese sleep with your baby. Not even your dp
And check out the advice from lullabytrust as linked on page one by a pp.
No need to let anyone separate you from your baby until u r actually ready. Imo 6 weeks is too young.

OP I wouldn't be happy about this either...maybe people get more relaxed as their babies grow older but I'd have been unhappy too as I would consider it dangerous. It's not safe for such a heavy sleeper to share a bed with a baby, I too would fear the suffocation risk.