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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL fell asleep with baby

150 replies

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 01:04

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 22/02/2015 07:38

6 weeks is so small to be having a sleepover. Just bear in mind that mil was trying to help so her heart was in the right place.

I would leave the sleepovers for now or just clarify that baby must sleep in crib/travel cot provided. Maybe spouting that you don't want DD to get into the habit of sharing a bet.

MorelliOrRanger · 22/02/2015 07:41

#bed

littlejessie · 22/02/2015 07:45

IS MIL's heart in the right place though?

My own mother would never dream of persistently asking for 6 week old baby to sleep over It's just too young imo, and a baby should be with its mum at that age. Every bone in my body would be uncomfortable with this.

From the OP it sounds like the baby's parents were in the same house but baby was sleeping with MIL.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/02/2015 07:45

There is no need whatsoever for your baby to sleep away from you or your partner for a very long time. 6 weeks is tiny, and you're her mum, put your foot down, blanket rule no sleepovers with anyone else until you're ready.
Co-sleeping if you are too tired to be alert to the baby is dangerous. You're right to be upset.

SlaggyIsland · 22/02/2015 07:54

So your baby was meant to be in the Moses basket, your MIL took her into the bed with her and then fell sound asleep?

littlejessie · 22/02/2015 07:54

Totally agree, and am surprised at the earlier responses on this thread tbh.

TyranosaurusBecs · 22/02/2015 07:57

Your baby should have been in the basket , and I do wonder about MILs insistence that she have the baby overnight . Fine if you ask her to or need her to, but not just for the sake of it so that she can 'have a turn'.

ourglass · 22/02/2015 07:57

I thought you were going to say she co slept with her on the sofa or something.

ahbollocks · 22/02/2015 08:03

Yanbu, its not fine is it? If you hadnt been there mil could have easily rolled on top of the baby if she is such a deep sleeper.
6 week olds need their mums, not grandma's, I would wait until much later before letting her babysit

VeronicaCaCa · 22/02/2015 08:06

YANBU at all. The co-sleeping wouldn't bother me really unless you had specifically asked her not to (although I'm not aware of current guidelines tbh), but not waking to the crying would be a huge issue.

Electriclaundryland · 22/02/2015 08:06

Well that proves your Mil can't look after her so don't let her pressurise you again to have a sleep over while baby is tiny.

Your baby is not a toy to have a turn with. Co-sleeping can be dangerous if you are a heavy sleeper and she obviously is.

I co slept with mine, but I wake up if a fairy farts so I felt safe to do so.

angelohsodelight · 22/02/2015 08:08

She's 6 weeks old, she should be with you not the MIL. She can't be trusted so learn from this.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/02/2015 08:08

YANBU Your MIL shouldn't have co-slept with a 6-week old. Especially if a heavy sleeper.

MissAMinton · 22/02/2015 08:09

I'd be livid that MIL was co sleeping with such a tiny baby given the guidelines. She's obviously a very heavy sleeper so I would certainly have been going through the 'what ifs'

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/02/2015 08:10

I think someone was trying to have a second go at parenthood. It would not occur to my mother to take dd out of her cot aand sleep with her at that age. Or any age tbh becausessbecause she respects dd and doesn't think she's a doll Hmm

Iloveweetos · 22/02/2015 08:15

What has DP said? X

YellowYoYoYam · 22/02/2015 08:16

Yanbu

I would have major concerns about anyone other than mother co sleeping with such a young baby. MIL obviously doesn't know enough about current co sleeping advice. Don't let her do it again.

Also, take this opportunity to think about your boundaries for your DD and communicate them to your mil politely but firmly. Your DD is not a doll to be passed about for the enjoyment of others. If you want her to stay with you, then she stays with you. There will be plenty of time when she's older to overnight with grandma. For the next few months, even the next year or more, she will be able to bond sufficiently well with her grandmother through normal daytime visits with you present. Mil is being unreasonable to put this pressure on you at this time, but if she's anything like my mil, once you politely make it clear overnights will not be happening for a while, and the initial excitement of becoming a grandparent passes, she will settle down.

ShadowSpiral · 22/02/2015 08:19

I'd be upset about this too, especially if I'd only allowed DC to sleep with MIL because she'd been insisting that she wanted the baby overnight. The baby should have been in the Moses basket and not in the bed.

Is your MIL aware of the current guidelines around reduce SIDS risk and safe co-sleeping? These may have changed since her own DC were babies.

Personally I didn't want my DC away from me overnight until they were significantly older than 6 weeks.

I know other mum's who were happy to let grandparents have the DC overnight from a very young age so they could have a break, but i firmly believe that this kind of overnight stay should only happen if the baby's parents (especially the mother) want it and are ready for it, not because the grandmother wants the baby to sleep over so she can bond better with it or have a turn with the baby or whatever.

lastlines · 22/02/2015 08:22

YABU, but it's impossible to know that with a PFB,. I'd have reacted exactly the way you did. No one but you has that instant physical reaction to the baby crying.
6 weeks is too young to be away from you overnight, but if she does have a snuggle or a nap with her grandma, which is a nice idea, just feel free to walk in on them as soon as you hear crying. Your baby, your rules. Don't let anyone undermine your instincts on what is best for the baby.

Mulligrubs · 22/02/2015 08:24

YANBU, she fell asleep with your baby in bed. It is unsafe and potentially fatal so you need to make sure there is no way this situation can happen again so no sleepovers.

diddl · 22/02/2015 08:35

Why did she not put baby in her Moses basket?

Actually getting into bed with baby would anger me too.

What she did wrong was
putting baby into bed and getting in with her!

Hopefully it wasn't done maliciously & Mil will still be seeing her GC!

My PFB was in an incubator & MIL didn't think that she needed to wash/disinfect her hands as she was GM & meant no harm!
I fell short of saying that I'd pushed him out of my fanjo & still had to wash my handsBlushGrin

Then there was the time she wanted to take him to see her friend but CBA with the reins as she was GM so of course he wouldn't try to pull awayHmm

As for the sleeping, when I was in hospital with PSB, the woman opposite was snoring through her baby crying!

I had to "call the midwife"!

diddl · 22/02/2015 08:38

I wouldn't have wanted to leave a 6wk old, but if they are all in the same house(?) it's a bit different if/as OP can hear her baby!

OP, if you didn't want to do it then use this to give you the strength to say no in future.

Also, disabuse her of the notion that she did nothing wrong!

Tipofthenose · 22/02/2015 09:05

Yanbu. I would have never allowed a sleepover at that age. Babies need their primary carere(s) at that age.

BlinkAndMiss · 22/02/2015 09:12

I'd be furious if I'd requested that the baby sleeps in the Moses basket. If MIL couldn't be woken by the crying then I doubt she would have noticed if she'd rolled on top of her.

You need to point this out to MIL and not allow the baby to stay overnight with her, it's not worth the risk.

FWIW I don't understand the GP's obsession with 'having the baby overnight', my DS has always been a great sleeper and it's because we're very focused on his bedtime routine. His GP's seem to want to have the fuss of being woken in the night, putting him in their bed etc. it really pisses me off. I've never let him stay over and I won't until he's old enough to sleep in a bed safely on his own and show no interest in sleeping in their bed. I know how heavy sleepers they are, it's stupid to think DS wouldn't come to any harm.

Your baby is 6 weeks old, don't be pushed around.

sanfairyanne · 22/02/2015 09:19

i wouldnt let anyone apart from me (bf mum) cosleep with any of my babies, not even dh could sleep next to them. it is dangerous.