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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL fell asleep with baby

150 replies

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 01:04

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

OP posts:

MissDuke · 22/02/2015 16:06

Darn, I seem to have broken my ability to 'bold' things, it never works now!

TallboyMcChesty · 22/02/2015 16:13

YANBU. I'd have been angry too.

You agreed that the baby would sleep in the moses basket and the baby ended up in the bed with a person who didn't wake when the baby cried.

Your MIL broke a trust there and I'd find that difficult to get around in the short term tbh.

Time for a family discussion and don't be walked over.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2015 16:26

Oh poor mollycoddled babies with rheir reduced risk of SIdS.

Jackieharris · 22/02/2015 16:32

10 minutes isn't 'prolonged'.

I did safe co sleeping - blankets rather than a duvet, no pillows, no smokers, not if anyone's been drinking.

The op hasn't said what the co sleeping conditions were so we don't know if it was safe re:SIDS, that is just your speculation.

Noodledoodledoo · 22/02/2015 16:37

I agree if you don't feel happy with her sleeping elsewhere don't be forced. MIL doesn't get a say!

I won't co sleep with my little one as I am a really heavy sleeper. I was told when I had them I would become the lightest sleeper ever, it hasn't happened and I am 5 months in.

My little one sleeps on my side of the bed in her crib, my husband wakes before me every time. So it is quite possible to sleep through a babies cry even when you are the mother.

BMO · 22/02/2015 16:41

It's not safe if the person sleeping next to the baby isn't aware they are there, regardless of smoking or duvets The whole point is if you are so dead to the world you don't hear the baby cry, you could roll on them without realising. That is the reason they say don't bed share if you are particularly tired.

MayLuke83 · 22/02/2015 16:45

YANBU op. What a shame, you must have got a real fright. 6 weeks is so young, please don't be pushed into leaving your baby with grandparents. Alone time is not an entitlement! So, so young.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2015 16:47

The safest place for your baby to sleep is on itsback in a cot or moses basket in the same room as you.

ChaiseLounger · 22/02/2015 17:04

I still think this is a bit of an over-reaction. Not ideal, but no harm done.
Is it yourself that you are really angry with op? For agreeing to let mil have your 6 week old?

My sil looked after my 6 week old, for one night, because I was so sleep deprived. And whilst mine was MY choice, I do think a lot of people are quite pfb about saying 'a 6 week old should be with no one other than its mother'. Really?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2015 18:13

MissDuke - if what you are bolding has line breaks/paragraph breaks in it, you need to put the asterisk at the beginning and end of each separate line, rather than just at the beginning and end of the whole post.

I think it is a lovely idea for a grandparent or other relative to have the baby overnight, to give an exhausted new mum a break - but only if the parents are happy with this, and actively want this arrangement (so the MIL in the OP who is pressuring the OP - that is wrong, and the OP shouldn't be forced to consider this arrangement), and if the relative looking after the baby sticks like glue to the way the parents want things done (so grandma co-sleeping, when she had been asked to use the Moses basket - that is a real no-no too).

I do think it is possible for a mother to sleep through her child's crying - if she is tired enough. A friend told me about waking up to find her dh desperately trying to latch the baby onto her boob - and this had been going on for a while - she was just so tired she didn't wake up. I would worry about anyone co-sleeping with a baby, if they slept that deeply.

I have looked after a friend's baby overnight - she and her dh were totally exhausted, so I went and stayed over with them, and had the baby in with me, to give them a night's sleep. But the baby wasn't a newborn and wasn't breastfeeding any more. And I didn't pressure the parents into this arrangement - I offered to help, but if they had said no thanks, I would have accepted that without a murmur, and would have asked if I could do something else to help instead.

MissDuke · 22/02/2015 19:12

Thanks!

ghostspirit · 22/02/2015 19:19

i think its a bit ott. you were also just down stairs but left baby crying for 5-10 mins. so im a bit confused of how worried you were. and when you got to baby yes he/she was crying but was ok? and poor gran has got a telling of. it easy could have been you or your husband. but saying that i can understand how people feel about co-sleeping but then that needs to be made clear from the start.

Roomba · 22/02/2015 19:23

I wouldn't be very happy about this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you say she was in bed with MIL - I coslept with both my children but would not be happy with them doing this with anyone else. If you cosleep (following all the safety rules) you are very tuned in to your baby and will wake whenever they stir. Clearly, as shown here, this isn't the case with other people. If 10 minutes of screaming right next to your ear doesn't wake you up, I don't imagine rolling over onto a baby would. So for that reason alone, YANBU.

Secondly, if your DD had been safe in a moses basket or cot, there probably isn't a risk as such from her crying for a while. From a safety point of view, that isn't such a problem. But I wouldn't want my very small baby crying all night while no one heard or attended to her. I know lots of people let relatives help by taking babies overnight from a young age, but I couldn't do that at such a young age, even if not BF (no judgement on those who do, I did wish I felt able to do that at times!)

dawn1967 · 22/02/2015 19:25

I completely understand why you are upset. It's not the crying that OP is complaining about, it's the fact that you are deeply concerned that your MIL might have suffocated your daughter in her deep sleep. PFB or not I would be really anxious now.

Floggingmolly · 22/02/2015 19:31

What exactly was the point of your MIL being upstairs with the baby, while you were downstairs in the same house?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 22/02/2015 20:56

Well, two possibilities, Flogging. Either the MIL offered to give OP a break, which OP was happy with; or else MIL pressured OP into it. If it was the former, then it would be quite nice to know someone else was looking after DC, but they weren't far away. In theory.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/02/2015 21:08

YANBU to be a concerned after this incident

YANBU to decide you'd rather not leave your new born overnight with anyone.

YABU to be 'fuming' with her though, I'm sure she wishes she hadn't fallen asleep.

rumbleinthrjungle · 22/02/2015 21:18

OP said that MiL had been asking to have the baby overnight, and letting her have the baby upstairs with her was a way of doing this.

Gruntfuttock · 22/02/2015 21:26

"YABU to be 'fuming' with her though, I'm sure she wishes she hadn't fallen asleep."

The MIL was very wrong indeed to have taken the baby into bed with her. That could have had fatal consequences for the baby. Thank goodness the OP decided to go into the room when she did. The baby was supposed to be in the moses basket. That is why she is right to be 'fuming'.

Gruntfuttock · 22/02/2015 21:28

Just to add; since the MIL was in bed, it was entirely predictable that she would fall asleep.

diddl · 22/02/2015 22:03

"Just to add; since the MIL was in bed, it was entirely predictable that she would fall asleep."

Which is why the baby should have been in her moses basket.

MistressDeeCee · 23/02/2015 01:02

That would worry me. Thankfully baby was ok but tbh MIL made a mistake..we all make them, don't we? I would be fuming but I wouldn't let her know it, I don't think its worth getting into a dispute about, Id just make sure baby wasn't sleeping in bed with her again.

LaLyra · 23/02/2015 01:32

Co-sleeping is safe when done properly. A grandmother so tired/deep sleeper she didn't hear the baby cry is not co-sleeping properly. The co-sleeping guidelines don't even approve of the baby being between parents because it's not as safe next to Dad as it is Mum.

Badly done co-sleeping can lead to serious issues and those issues are the reasons people label all co-sleeping as dangerous.

If the baby was supposed to be in the moses basket and MIL decided she knew best and overruled you then YANBU to be angry with her.

I'd just say that MIL having the baby with her was (presumably?) to let you get a better sleep, but until the baby is old enough to wake MIL you are not going to get any sleep so there's going to be no sleepovers until then.

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/02/2015 02:03

6 week old babies shouldn't co-sleep with their grandparents, end of - surely??

LaLyra · 23/02/2015 02:44

6 week old babies shouldn't co-sleep with anyone other than their Mum. Even then it should only be done if conditions are correct to do so safely.

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