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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL fell asleep with baby

150 replies

YellowTangerine · 22/02/2015 01:04

Firstly I am really angry so may not be the best idea venting here but I will anyway.
I have a 6 week old DD and tonight I let her sleep upstairs with her grandma. Me and DP were in the room below. I heard DD crying and felt there was something wrong but didn't want to interfere so left her for 5-10 mins max. I then went upstairs with DP to find MIL fast asleep with DD next to her screaming. I didn't say anything to her but she acted like she had done nothing wrong and said 'just dropped off'. I'm so angry but basically AIBU to never allow DD to stay with her again at least not until she's older.

OP posts:
FlyingPirate · 22/02/2015 11:57

Op you had a bit of a rough ride on here to begin with and I'm not too sure why. I would have been livid for the same reasons - you just don't know what could go wrong.

Don't beat yourself up or feel foolish, it's your instincts telling you that the situation wasn't safe. Your baby was crying and she didn't wake up, the first thing that would have gone through my head is 'what if something had been seriously wrong and mil just didn't wake up?'

Also, don't let mil bully you into sleepovers. It's your baby and only you can decide when the time is right.

Be firm with mil when she tries to push for another sleepover and set some boundaries but don't be too sharp with her - she's going to be part of your life for a very long time and it's easiest to get along.

2rebecca · 22/02/2015 12:04

Agree with those who think that having a baby sleep over at 6 weeks is very early and a bit pointless unless you really need a babysitter. She should have been trying to do things right by putting baby in the Moses basket not trying to co-sleep if she knew that was what you wanted.
I wouldn't be really angry about it but it shows she isn't really up to putting a young baby to bed properly and waking if she wakes, mind you plenty of parents aren't good at putting babies down in their own beds either.
At the moment your baby will get nothing out of a sleepover. Save them for when she is old enough to appreciate them.

Thumbwitch · 22/02/2015 12:05

I'm still quite astonished that anyone could sleep through a baby crying for 10 minutes! I know it's supposed to be different when you're the mother, maybe I'm also a light sleeper but I woke the instant they started crying, especially if they were in with me!

Gruntfuttock · 22/02/2015 12:43

Thank goodness that the OP went up to her MIL's bedroom when she did. Just think, if the baby had suddenly gone quiet, she may have thought, "Ph good. MIL must be comforting her" whereas she could have gone quiet because MIL had rolled on to the baby. It doesn't bear thinking about. No wonder the OP is fuming.

Gruntfuttock · 22/02/2015 12:44

"Oh good" ^^ not "Ph good"

Notso · 22/02/2015 12:49

I can't believe all the judgy posters saying 6 weeks is too young and they didn't leave their DC until they were 21.
If the parents are happy to leave the baby and relatives are happy to care for the baby is there too young?

diddl · 22/02/2015 12:52

If they were all in the same house, it wasn't really an "overnight" was it?

Dieu · 22/02/2015 12:56

So, if I'm not wrong, you were all in the same house with mil sleeping upstairs with the baby, and you and your partner sleeping downstairs. Baby was supposed to be in moses basket, but mil took baby into bed beside her.

If baby was in moses basket the whole time and cried for 10 mins without grandma attending to her - YABU for being so angry

If baby was taken from moses basket and into bed beside grandma - YANBU (although I do find it hard to believe that anyone could lie beside a screaming baby for 10 mins and not wake up)

I'm just glad the wee one is okay OP x

GymBum · 22/02/2015 12:58

I think if the baby's parent(s) were happy to leave a 6 week old with a relative then that's not a problem however I get the impression that in this case Op isn't ready to leave her DD and she is been pressurised into it. If that's the case then it's not right. If Op feels her DD is to young to be left then she's too young to be left and her MIL needs to respect the Ops feelings.

Jackieharris · 22/02/2015 12:59

Well shoot me now because I wouldn't mind a 6wk old co sleeping with mil.

This thread is nothing short of hysteria!

BMO · 22/02/2015 13:16

Yeah, why should a mother worry about her baby being suffocated?

BMO · 22/02/2015 13:17

I bet the OP insists on car seats and all sorts.

rumbleinthrjungle · 22/02/2015 13:17

Thank God you were there in the house to rescue dd, and that nothing worse happened. If MiL isn't able to be woken by a tiny baby crying right next to her for some minutes she's not able to be responsible for a baby through the night. As for co sleeping with the baby when she's that asleep - that's terrifying. I'd be seeing this as potentially a very near miss.

No YANBU to say no and mean no to overnights until dd is a lot older. Potentially as in able to get up and meet her own needs in the night older, since if MiL can't be woken by a newborn screaming directly next to her I wouldn't think a young child shaking and calling her would get more response. I'm sure MiL didn't intend any of this, but she's hugely damaged your trust.

I also don't get this 'I want to get the baby all to myself overnight' thing. If parents ask for babysitting or need a break fine, but it's a child, not a toy.

babyboomersrock · 22/02/2015 14:08

Well shoot me now because I wouldn't mind a 6wk old co sleeping with mil

This thread is nothing short of hysteria!

You wouldn't mind if your tiny baby was lying next to someone who was so soundly asleep she didn't even hear her cry? You wouldn't worry that your baby might be in danger? That the adult might roll over on to the child, for example, since she is so fast asleep and unaware of the baby?

I'd rather be labelled hysterical than risk that.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2015 14:43

well shoot me now becSue I wouldnt mind a 6 week old co sleeping with mil

Therein lies a fate worse than being shot.
It beggars belief that someone whould not object to this tbh.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2015 14:45

And sleing in the same house does not protect the baby against the risks of co sleeping.
Trust your instincts.

LokiBear · 22/02/2015 14:53

I wouldn't want anyone else Co - sleeping with my baby. YANBU op. My mil wanted sleepovers from an early age and I just said no. From the age of 18 months or so I have let dd go for sleep overs. You have to be comfortable and it needs to be mutually beneficial. If you are just going to worry all night then it isn't worth it.

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 22/02/2015 15:00

I have co-slept with all of my children and have let my mother do so with older babies but I do not think you are beig unreasonable at all.

The reason I felt safe co sleeping was because I was aware of my baby and was able to react when they woke (I think some research shows this is hormonal) but your MIL was obviously not aware if your newborn as she slept through 5-10 mins of crying. This is what would concern me.

QTPie · 22/02/2015 15:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Jackieharris · 22/02/2015 15:05

I've slept through my co sleeping babies crying beside me. (DP later informed me)

Better remove the one I'm pregnant with now at birth since I'm obviously an unfit mother!

It's a miracle any of is survived childhood at all before all these ridiculous parenting 'rules' became the norm.

I feel sorry for these mollycoddled DCs.

BMO · 22/02/2015 15:08

You're right Jackie, it doesn't sound safe for you to bed share with a baby if you are so unaware of them.

Remember not all babies survived. A thousand more used to die every year before all these ridiculous rules.

GymBum · 22/02/2015 15:09

Jackie I respect your decision to co sleep with your DC and I would also respect your decision to allow family members to co-sleep with your DC. You feel comfortable with it. That's great.

Would it be that hard to respect the wishes of a new mum (even if it differs to your own choices) and try to empathise with her for just a second?

babyboomersrock · 22/02/2015 15:51

I feel sorry for these mollycoddled DCs

Oh, yes, let's not mollycoddle our newborns, eh? They need to be ignored and allowed to cry, silly little things.

In any case, I thought part of the reason for co-sleeping (as you say you do) was to comfort the baby? It's hardly comforting them if you're lying there comatose beside them while they cry.

MissDuke · 22/02/2015 16:01

Op I would have felt the same as you. Co-sleeping is not safe when done in an adhoc manner, and since the introduction of the current safe sleeping guidelines, SIDS has reduced by 70% so it actually is a big deal. Not the fact baby was crying, but the fact she had lay down in bed with the baby. If the op hadn't went up, anything could have happened. Co-sleeping certainly is safe when planned and the guidelines are followed, but we have no reason to think mil was doing so - for example, she could be a smoker which increases risk.

Op, don't be afraid to say no to people - not based on this incident but in general. There is no way in hell I would have left any of mine overnight with anyone else at that stage. If you are uncomfortable with it, don't feel bad saying no!!! I know its hard as its lovely to have interested family, but its really hard to leave small babies.

MissDuke · 22/02/2015 16:06

*I've slept through my co sleeping babies crying beside me. (DP later informed me)

Better remove the one I'm pregnant with now at birth since I'm obviously an unfit mother!

It's a miracle any of is survived childhood at all before all these ridiculous parenting 'rules' became the norm.

I feel sorry for these mollycoddled DCs*

Jackie this is based on your own, anecdotal experiences. The research very much says differently now, and imo it is important to change our parenting in accordance with the latest research. It is now known that babies become very stressed when crying for prolonged periods, which releases hormones that can be detrimental to brain development. It is also known that compliance with safe sleeping guidelines reduces the risk of SIDs by 70% - that is a big number! There is a huge difference between a well educated, breastfeeding mother co-sleeping, and someone else who is unaware of the safety risks.

Just out of interest, why do you feel sorry for 'mollycoddled' babies? What do you think will happen to them? Aside from a reduced risk of SID's, of course.

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