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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to be home soon

266 replies

notnow2 · 21/02/2015 01:13

I have to leave for work at 6am. He will be looking after our dc (7,5,3) all day until 9pm. He has gone out after work as it is his last day there. I warned him I was working. He is terrible for not waking up after a drink. I am worried I will not be able to go to work if he is much later Confused

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 21/02/2015 08:42

Is she supposed to wait until 5 minutes before she's supposed to be there to ring in?? FFS, "he clearly got pissed and lost his sense"?? He clearly didn't give a fuck about anyone but himself - he could have gone to his work do, drank responsibly, and come home at a decent time a bit wobbly, but been okay in the morning to take care of the children. But he CHOSE to drink too much.

Personally, even if it's the first time he's done this, I can fully understand why the OP was getting stressed out as the night wore on. As it got later and later, it was more and more likely that he was going to rock up still drunk and unable to care for the children.

Most workplaces are not happy with employees that ring in at the last minute.

CinnabarRed · 21/02/2015 08:45

I think she was right to phone in at 5 - how would get work have any chance to find someone to replace her if she left it any later?

Also, by 5 it was pretty clear that even if he was home by 6 he wouldn't be in any state to look after their children.

Original poster
notnow2 · 21/02/2015 08:45

Maddy - if you roll in after having a skinful at 2am and have to get up with a 3 year old at 630am you are not your best. I said in my op that he is very difficult to wake when he has had a few drinks. My 3 year old would give up and then go off and cause chaos in the house elsewhere. I had to phone in sick early than my start as he wasn't home at 5 and firstly my dept would need to organise cover from somewhere else and I knew he would be in no fit state falling asleep in charge of kids and 3 year old doing dangerous things.

OP posts:
KissyBoo · 21/02/2015 08:48

Does everyone think it's ok for children to be around a pissed up parent?

I would be very uncomfortable for my children to see me drunk or leave them in the care of someone who is. Really not on.

OP -ditch this wanker.

Spend the rest of the day with the children involved in extremely noisy play with musical instruments, singing etc. If there are any hammering/drilling jobs around the house -now is a perfect opportunity to tackle them.

jalopy · 21/02/2015 08:48

He did this because he could.

You sound too nice and accommodating.

He knows this and will do it again in some other way.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/02/2015 08:52

The biggest problem with this is that he's had loads of pissed sleep since 3am on night buses etc while the OP has been up all night worrying.

And now he's still too pissed to get up. The fuckers going to get a full nights sleep and the OPs going to be up all day.

millymae · 21/02/2015 08:54

It would take me a long time to forgive something like this I'm afraid.

OP's OH is a grown man with two children and a wife who he knew had to go to work early this morning. He should have had the decency to get himself home at a reasonable time and in a state that would have enabled him to look after the children for the day. He did neither, and didn't even have the courtesy to let her know.

IMHO he's lucky that the OP has let him in to sleep it off. I can usually see both sides to every story, but I can't see anything at all here to excuse what he did. It may well have been a night out with work to celebrate his last day there, but that doesn't give him the right to forget the responsibilities he has at home or get so drunk that he's incapable of getting himself back in time.

Sorry if I seem a kill joy to some, but it's how I see it. I don't envy you today OP - hope you can sort things out with him when he's sober.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 08:54

It would have been better to call and say you didn't have childcare but it's done now. Your employer shouldn't have to accommodate his irresponsible behaviour and you shouldn't be putting your job at risk.

The fact is that he knew you had to go to work and he had to take on childcare to facilitate that. That's why I'd be furious as well as not letting you know when he'd be home and causing you to be worried all night. He could have bought a cheap PAYG before going out, borrowed a mobile or used a payphone

EternalBeauPlate · 21/02/2015 08:55

He goes out.
Doesn't come home or make any effort to contact you.
You stay awake all night.
You don't go to work and they have to arrange cover.
He turns up and is incapable of looking after small children.
You take the children swimming etc instead.
Confused
Don't let him sleep all day and roll out of bed when he feels like it and do everything he was meant to do!
He has no respect at all.

NerrSnerr · 21/02/2015 08:58

Glad he's back safe OP, but he was an utter arse. He could have got a friend to text, used their phone to email or Facebook if he couldn't remember your number.

How sorry was he that you had to miss work?

BathtimeFunkster · 21/02/2015 08:59

The op was tearing her hair out at 1-2 o'clock!

Hmm

Of course she was.

She needed to be up in 3-4 hours for work and the person who was meant to be minding the children was out drinking and uncontactable.

LindyHemming · 21/02/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsucks · 21/02/2015 09:13

Personally I wouldn't wake up him - he'll be no use, there will be a terrible row or a terrible atmosphere, she will hate his smelly, useless, sofa ridden self and I just don't think it would help the OP at all!

I think the main thing is for him to understand that this was fuckwittery of the highest order and to show he's truly sorry.

My dh like a drink or ten, but never gets rat arsed before anything important, never shirks responsibilities or making me miss work, or the kids missing any activities.

mayfridaycomequickly · 21/02/2015 09:14

I'd be in throwing water at him - he'd be up and suffering in our house. On a side note - I hope you weren't 'picking up his jeans' to tidy for him / wash them for him!

MissDuke · 21/02/2015 09:16

You need to make him get up soon so you can rest op!!!

Maddy, it seems like this behaviour is normal in your house, so causes no worry. However this is not the case with op, therefore she was very worried. She was obviously expecting him home in good time, so couldn't sleep as he hadn't returned. She was needing sleep so she could go and do her very difficult job, which from her clues I suspect is a job none of us would want anyone to do after having no sleep, and in a very distressed state. Some people cope fine with a hangover, others don't. It is obvious here that this man could not have cared for these children in this state, and he obviously wasn't in the least bothered about that. I am sure no one made him get drunk.

Op, if this is a one off, and if he is suitable apologetic later, then hopefully you can move on and forget it.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 21/02/2015 09:19

So where's he sleeping tonight?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 21/02/2015 09:20

Personally I wouldn't wake up him - he'll be no use, there will be a terrible row or a terrible atmosphere, she will hate his smelly, useless, sofa ridden self and I just don't think it would help the OP at all!

That's true. My ex used to skulk about, acting sorry for himself, or sleeping on the sofa in the middle of the living room, and then lash out at anyone who made noise or disturbed him. When told to go upstairs if he was going to sleep, he then acted like a stroppy teenager and refused. At least if he's up in the bedroom, you're not having to deal with a bad atmosphere.

Even if it is a one-off, it shows a distinct lack of respect for the OP, her job, and the care of the children, which implies there are other issues going on.

Mouthfulofquiz · 21/02/2015 10:13

I cannot believe that he isn't forcing HIMSELF to get up and be useful considering that the OP has also had a sleepless night. What an arsehole.

ohtheholidays · 21/02/2015 10:41

Op your husband is a fucking arse,but you know that already you live with him.

I hope you read him the riot act in a very loud voice(sod his hangover)and that he takes you seriously,try's to make it up to you and never does it again!

Not all men behave this way thankfully.Maybe try telling him that when he's sober.He's not the only man you could ever get!

Tell him to start upping his game or else.

Seriouslyffs · 21/02/2015 11:35

By the way- last day at work/ whooping it up til late/ no phone all forgivable and understandable.
Not letting you he was ok, making you miss work and then going to sleep now- very selfish. That's what I would be concentrating on now.

JenniferGovernment · 21/02/2015 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotGoingOut17 · 21/02/2015 15:57

I second Jennifer government in fact I'd make it my mission to ensure that the next commitment he has to go out beforehand and leave him in the lurch (but then I'm immature). I really don't think sorry cuts it this time tbh, there are some things that can't just be forgiven even with a genuine apology. If he'd have rolled in at 2am and needed to have a quiet lazy day with the kids today then maybe if its a one off then that could be forgiveable but to come in after he knows you are reliant on time for childcare is despicable and actually makes me really uncomfortable that he has so little respect for you and your job.

Presumably your employer has a set number of days absence it will tolerate who knows whether that one day may make the difference later in the year. And I cannot echo strongly enough that you can't be seen out today especially not swimming ... Abuse of sick leave (which is what this is as you have lied to your employer) would in most places be gross misconduct so would be too risky.

The one place you could legitimately go is a hotel (you could say you wanted to rest away from the children if seen by someone,) and once your p is up and fit to be looking after the kids that's where I'd be heading. And I'd be tempted to stay till 7.30 on Monday morning (if you provide child care in the week) so hed have to sort the kids out . bitter I know but he has shown so little regard for you , your children and your employment, I don't think a conversation will make any difference... Its one thing to stay out all night but its a special level of twat that does it when it jepordises his wifes commitments

MartinJD · 21/02/2015 18:07

I must say, having read this thread from a males perspective some of the comments here are wildly reactionary. The poor bloke had a few too many beers, big deal. No one died. Life is too short to get hung up over stuff like this.

None of you know this particular blokes circumstances, yet assumptions are immediately made about his intent. Perhaps he's been working flat out to provide for his family and needed a break from his nagging wife for an evening? As long as he doesn't make a habit out of this, there really isn't a problem here. Please put down your pitchforks and give the guy a break.

Cheers!

EternalBeauPlate · 21/02/2015 18:11

So his wife misses a day of work y'know where they pay her so she can spend it on food and bills.
And that's fine as he needed a break HmmConfused

SlaggyIsland · 21/02/2015 18:13

MartinJD are you serious? She had to miss a day's work. That is not even remotely okay.