AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

[Sexyhouseslippers]

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down.

Really hope you're ok OP. Daughters can be little madams at times, I have 2 15 and 12. But you have to be in charge, a mother not a friend. Set your boundaries and stick to them . They tend to blow up at times and strop, storm off, slam doors etc and then be perfectly calm an hour later. You really need to speak to DH though, he is in danger of turning her into a little monster who will be much harder to handle in future. Good luck.

If he has agreed to do it your way for one week, make sure that you use this to your advantage. As soon as your dd plays up, get him to come and stand next to you and back you up.

So if, for example, you tell her to put her phone away and tidy her room and she says 'In a minute' or something and carryies on playing on her phone, call you dh into the room and say, 'I've asked x to stop playing on her phone and tidy her room, she needs to do it now doesn't she'. And he should say 'Yes, of course, come on x, put the phone away and tidy your room like mum just asked you'.

If he doesn't back you up like that, then he's not playing his part and therefore not doing it your way for one week.

The whole point of this is to train him more so than her as that is where your main problem is.

While I agree There is a major issue with parenting between you and your DH I also think you need to grow a pair. Stand up to him and make sure as Fairenuff says he stands by you properly for the week. You have allowed both your DH and you DD to ride all over you now is the time to put things right. I have a 10 year old DS and there is no way he would be on instagram or staying up until midnight (unless a very special occasion).

I know a family (very close to me) who thought children should be children when they were young. They allowed them to set their own bedtimes and have a lot of freedom. Now at the ages of 21, 18, 16 and 14 they are either in care or dodging the law because they had no boundries as children. Sad but true I am afraid.

Good luck

They allowed them to set their own bedtimes and have a lot of freedom.

I don't think the issue is how much freedom a child has. You can allow children to make most of the decisions about their daily lives or very few and still have firm, consistent boundaries.

The issue is more about what happens when the child crosses the line set by the parent. You might only tell your child that they have to do something once a week but, when you do, they know they have to do it. You might let them speak to you as an equal all the time but be able to stop them in their tracks the minute they become rude or condescending to you.

As parents, we all set the boundaries in different places. We all have different views on what our children should control and what we should decide on their behalf. That doesn't matter particularly as long as they know where the line is and what will happen when they cross it.

OP, your DD doesn't know where to stop or what will happen if she doesn't stop at the moment. You and your DH need to agree some basic rules that you are both comfortable with, including how she speaks to you and both of you need to enforce them clearly, calmly and consistently.

Oh and him telling your DD that he has to do things your way for a week to see if it works or anything else along those lines will blow the whole thing out of the water. If he does that you may as well not bother trying to salvage the situation at all.

Sexy, how is it going?

I think one thing that might help is talking to DDs judo teacher. Perhaps that is someone who would be on your side? Many instructors would be very upset if they learned that their students were being physical and disrespectful to their parents.

I agree that Dh might change his tune if you make him do everything connected to your daughter. Take her to judo, go to parent's conference.

I think the PP is on the right track. There must be some basic rules that DH is willing to agree on even if they are only a baby step. Her getting physical with you for instance. What lines she cannot cross and what will happen if she does. If he will not do even this I think you may need to have some professional help and support to decide where to go next and what you can do about the situation.

Hello DH and I had a talk with the headteacher on Monday he had a talk with us asked how her behaviour was at home and asked if she was unhappy at home. The school have set some targets everyday for her and she has to report back to the HT at the end of the day and they said they will set more challenging work. I think DH dis listen to the talk he had a talk with her and was disappointed as I don't think he knew the full extent. I have not talked to the judo teacher yet, she is trying to go back to her own rules but as Dh has been strict with her she doesn't try as much.

Great news, I hope your DH sees the light, in the end it is for your dd's benefit more than anything.

Turning off the wi-fi is a duff idea, it means the two 0lder boys in the house dip out because of the 9-year old's behaviour. Why should they be punished?

School nights - fed by 1800, one hour of screen time, bed by 2000, lights out 2030 (latest)

Judo, keep it up but make sure it's a class where they do lots of pyshical exercise too, not just kata, she'll be knackered.

If she steps out of line, take away her phone. If she has a tantrum, throw it down the loo.

Try asking your husband what sort of a man he is; 'Did I marry a man or a mouse, or is easily dictated to by a 9-year old girl?' That sort of remark tends to cut more deeply than wishy-washy liberal 'parenting counselling' (what the hell is parenting, is it a word?)

Definitely cut out the take-aways; they'll be full of the sort of salt, sugar, additives and E numbers that lie behind ADHD and sugar-rush hyper-activity. Such junk should be the off treat, not a main meal at nigh on midnight.

And did I suggest asking your husband what sort of a man he is? You've got 5 kids, I'm sure you don't want them to grow up in a broken home?

Slight tangent OP but, depending on your internet provider, you may be able to control the Internet access of specific devices. We're with BT and my DS's XBox and iPad have Internet access switched off automatically at about 8pm. DD is older so hers stops at 9pm.