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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

159 replies

Sexyhouseslippers · 20/02/2015 23:17

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down. Sad

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 20/02/2015 23:58

Also, is there a reason your dh is appeasing her so much - and why she is so difficult? 9 can be pre-teeny and hormonal, but generally speaking it is one of the nicer ages.

Why is she so bullying? And why does your husband indulge her? Is he just a thick selfish prat or is there other stuff going on - using his dd to annoy his wife, using his dd to make his wife feel alienated. It is pretty awful parenting to be honest.

GoadyGeisha · 20/02/2015 23:59

Your husband is an utter twat.

Personally I'd take the baby and go and stay with friends/relatives for a few weeks days and let your husband deal with the 9 year old full time. Bet he won't be laughing for much longer.

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/02/2015 00:03

OK, seriously you need to assess your living arrangements. Your husband sounds like an absolute idiot, you're allowing yourself to be beaten into the ground by an out of control 9 yo?

You have a small child, I get that you're tired and browbeaten, but God Almighty! This situation is horrendous. Don't minimise, and don't let that poor little 9 yo child have any more power and control over you!

Her life is not happy - no child really wants to feel that they control their mother. Your life sounds awful. You're utterly disrespected in your own home.

Step up - be the mother you can be, and the one she deserves and needs. And kick your husband's sorry ass. How dare he do this to you (and to DD with his awful parenting) in your own home?

Homebird8 · 21/02/2015 00:04

Your DD is your second problem your DH is the primary issue.

If he doesn't know how to parent then you will have to show him. The advice you've been receiving here about appropriate action with your DD is right. If he can't see that, or is cultivating the situation to keep you in a difficult position then you need to act to deal with him first.

I think the thing for is to work out what to focus on. You have a DH who thinks it's fine to give his DD takeaway on a sofa close to midnight in direct support of her display of defiance to you. You have a DH who laughs as he undoes your action in turning off the wifi. You have a DH who isn't horrified by physical violence, or threats of it, even from a 9 year old. You have a DH who thinks it's a good idea for her to have devices and all the bills paid and to get into e dangerous world of social media at an age when she can't possibly understand the implications.

You are fearful of a disagreement with him. You see him to be the final arbiter of family rule. You feel that your relationship with DD is a power struggle enabled on her side by the might of DH. You think you are a shit mother.

I feel for you. As parents you need to work together and not blame yourselves or each other if every matter doesn't go swimmingly first time. In fact from the position you're all in it may not go well for some time. The first thing is a serious talk with your DH and, even if he doesn't back you up, some boundaries for your DD.

You are not a shit mother. You are a mother who is being undermined, belittled and embattled by her DH. I'm sending you a Brew to sip whilst you have a think. Feed little one and come back to talk. There are people here who have been in similar situations and can offer experience and advice. There is a way through.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/02/2015 00:05

Well it's really clear she's only behaving like this because of bad parenting - his, not yours!

Leave him. Live on your own. If he wants her she can live with him - when she's withyou it's mummy rules.

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/02/2015 00:07

That's a great post Homebird8.

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 00:09

She was the first girl so I think that is one reason And they have a lot of common interest. Dh is usually lovely he discipline the other Dc he is affectionate etc but I think he doesn't want to ruin the relationship. DD does judo I've paid for this term but perhaps I should cancel next terms as that could help her violence for those saying I'm the mother I try my best but I can't stop her as I usually have the baby in my hands.

OP posts:
cakedup · 21/02/2015 00:09

Gosh, things need to change otherwise they will get a whole lot worse.

I have a story for you.

My friend was in the same situation as you. Her dd was given too much freedom at a young age and she could do no wrong in Daddy's eyes.

By the time her dd was 12, she was telling her mum to fuck off, shouting at her, never taking the mum seriously etc. I've been round to their house and the dad and dd would sit there putting my friend down, teasing her - but to the point of bullying. For example: DD:"oh I hate mum's cooking, it's shit." (her DH giggles) "I love anything you cook though dad" DH: "That's cos I always make an effort for you my darling." My friend: "So do I. Just tell me what to cook." DD:"Don't give me that! Even when I ask for macaroni cheese it's shit! It smelt like vomit last time she cooked that, didn't it dad!" (DH giggles). You get the picture.

My friend, by the way, is lovely. Talented, beautiful, generous, caring. She is a nurse and loves her job.

Her marriage was falling apart. Both her DD and her DH disrespected her and belittled her on a regular basis. One day, her DD was shouting at her and then lashed out at her, my friend instinctively hit back (she knows this is wrong, but years of frustration and hurt got the better of her) and made her nose bleed. Social services were called. My friend tried to make it up to her DD but she didn't want to know and the DH treated her like an evil bitch. The marriage ended. Her DD chose to go and live with her DH who was now full of hatred for her post divorce, and so would poison their DD and fill her up with hate towards her mother.

She hasn't seen her DD for 3 years now because her DD refuses to see her. My friend is heartbroken. She loves her DD and grieves for her.

Think this is all too dramatic and would never happen to you? Nobody would have thought it would go this far for my friend either, not in a million years. And yet I remember her DD being 9, and my friend telling me EXACTLY the kind of thing you have described in your post.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but I just want to make you aware of how things can get out of control. Stop it now, while you can.

pictish · 21/02/2015 00:10

Agree - and excellent post from homebird.

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 00:11

I've gone to my Parents before but I miss the DC and H too much and feel it not fair punishing them all.

OP posts:
Imisscheese · 21/02/2015 00:11

You clearly need to have a discussion with your DH. You need to be united. This is a big problem, as if she doesn't respect you now it's not going to get better if you don't do something quickly. If you can't get control now you will have huge problems in the future as I'm sure you're aware. I would go to bed now and have a long chat with your DH tomorrow. Then I would set up new rules about phone, internet usage and the way in which she speaks to you. Sending youFlowers

pictish · 21/02/2015 00:13

Gosh cakedup your poor friend.

peacoat · 21/02/2015 00:16

This is so hard for you. You are caught between a little girl who thinks she can rule the roost, and a partner who should be in partnership with you in raising her to be an amazing woman - except he isn't.

In all honesty - these are easy years compared to her teens. Deal with it now, or have hell later.

You need to get your DH onside. And if he won't, you need to think about what the pros/cons of leaving him are.

GoadyGeisha · 21/02/2015 00:21

I've gone to my Parents before but I miss the DC and H too much and feel it not fair punishing them all

So this has been an issue for a while. Personally I don't see it as 'punishing' anyone if you have been driven to the point of leaving. Sounds like you are the one being punished and used as a doormat. BTW, martial arts are supposed to instill discipline and self-control not give you new ways to beat up your parents.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 21/02/2015 00:28

If she's using her martial art against you, she should not be learning a martial art, she's abusing that knowledge and I would be fucking horrified if one of my students behaved in this way. She needs either a full and frank talk from her instructor or to be barred. Involve them - they will not stand for this.

Your dh is another matter. Does he understand that you're fearful of your own dd? Does he understand the effect his poor parenting will have, upon her ability to become a decent adult?

trashcanjunkie · 21/02/2015 00:29

Oh god this is a can of worms. In all honesty op I think you need to get yourself some kind of outside help. If things are getting physical it's not safe for any one involved and your 'd'p sounds like a really big red flag. laughing and turning it back is sooooooo bad for your dd and things will only get worse. Please seek help. If I were in your situation I would speak to my go, and perhaps get advice from social services regarding some parenting classes for you and dp. May seem ott, but these things are all red flags imo.

trashcanjunkie · 21/02/2015 00:30

Gp not go. Damn iPad

mommy2ash · 21/02/2015 00:36

I feel so sorry for you reading this. you do see how far from normal this is? my dd is eight she doesn't have a phone or social media or internet access. she doesn't answer back Isn't violent and does as she is told. I really thought you were talking about a difficult teenager. if things don't change and fast this Is only going to get worse.

your husband Isn't doing her any favours by allowing her to act this way. what happened on instagram?

I think your husband is your biggest problem here and you sound so beat down from it all. their behaviour Is ridiculous

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 00:37

Your problem is your dh. If he is willing to back her against you, nothing will change. You need a serious talk with him. He is letting her down big time. What kind of future does he think a spoilt, ungrateful, disrespectful child will have if she carries on like this? A parents job is to give the child what she needs, not what she wants.

Once he is on board you can put consequences in place and her behaviour will change quite quickly.

peacoat · 21/02/2015 00:42

You can handle a 9 year old! You really can. She's 9 and trying everything she knows to beat you. Your DH and you need to provide a unified team to give her those boundaries.

If he won't/can't, then you need to think about leaving him. Sorry - I'm repeating myself, but these are bloody easy years compared to her teenage years. She needs firm boundaries and consequences, with love (and you sound like a great mum- you really do).

I'm a secondary school teacher (pastoral) and I really have seen it many times.

SweetValentine · 21/02/2015 03:36

Please please - she's nine and you are already physically afraid of her. I don't blame you but if you do not act now it will just get worse as you get older.

something has to change

Coyoacan · 21/02/2015 04:32

Another one here saying you have to sort things out now with your DH. A friend of mines lovely little boy is now a drug addict. He also has a father who constantly undermined the mother, underdoing any measures of discipline she imposed. I have always felt that the use of drugs and all round rebellion is a direct result of this situation.

MummyPig24 · 21/02/2015 05:08

You can do it! She's 9! And you need to have a very Frank discussion with your husband about this. Parents just have to be on the same page otherwise this is the result. Was it his idea to give a 9yr old a phone and let her use social media? It's madness. But it can be undone. You just need a little support.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 21/02/2015 05:21

Agree with everyone else. Need to get this reined in now or things will be hell.

my2centsis · 21/02/2015 05:55

Op please do something's to fix this now! Show your 'd'h this thread! What to you think is going to happen when she's 14/15? She's will be 5times as bad as this