AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

[Sexyhouseslippers]

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down.

Sounds like the problem here really is your husband. He isn't being an effective parent. He's too concerned with playing the nice guy and he's teaching her that you don't matter.

That is going to come back and bite him in the backside. Think what sort of adult often grows from a child who behaves as you describe and with a parent or parents who allow if not encourage it!

your husband has a responsibility to you to be a team and to not undermine you and to not make your sanctions meaningless (giving her his pad if you remove hers. WTF is he thinking!) and he has a responsibility to her to not mould her into a fairly unpleasant adult.

She's very young. She will be what you all make her.

Jesus. Sorry OP, but everyone is right. And if you carry on letting your DH and DD both get away with such appalling behaviour then frankly you only have yourself to blame. Yes, your DH is an utter knob. But if you continue to let him ruin your DD like this then so are you, I'm afraid.

I would just say she obviously isn't mature enough for a phone or tablet. From now on she has no access to own phone or tablet. You will reconsider these when she starts secondary school in 1-2 years.
Any homework is done on household laptop/ computer or at school, limited to just homework, no social stuff online

I know it's very hard but you HAVE to stand up to your h and do what's right here.

I am absolutely speechless that your nine year old child was having a takeaway at 11.45pm at night - never mind all the other shocking detail. And I'm actually a pretty laid back parent.

I predict that during or directly after the 'week's trial' your h will sabotage your efforts and undermine you further.

It's not about him being a softie or a 'nice guy' in my opinion - it's actually an attack on you. It's a sly, dangerous (for your daughter) game he's playing because he wants to alienate you from your daughter and be everything to her. Why? Who the fuck knows. Just another form of abuse I suppose.

What advice would you give NannyOgg if ours is too simplistic?

I am very thankful for all your great advice. I'm willing to deal with this myself even if I have to go and talk to a parenting counsellor etc. I agree with her getting worse in a few years etc.

Sexy, I read your op with sympathy and then I got to the post about your daughters age, and my jaw dropped.

I have a 15 yo and I honestly thought your daughter was much older. I also have a 10 yo dd. neither of them are angels by a long shot but I do my best, so don't think anything I say is a criticism of your parenting.

Mines have spoken to me like that - in particular the older one. The difference my DH does back me up so she's very clear it's not acceptable. You have a huge problem going on.

You have as I see it several options-

Suck it up and let her turn into the arsehole your DH is teaching her to be - Thr easiest option

Get your DH to somehow change his approach - easier said than done.

Put your DH out or leave yourself - Be prepared for him to continue to belittle you to her, without any check possible from your side

Find a way to change your reaction - which may mean being stronger. Not easy - but you are the parent, you can put sanctions in place, you just need to be creative so that they are not sanctions which your DH can override.

I'm not quite sure how you do that - take the phone and don't tell him where it is? But at the very least you need to keep on being firm and consistent in telling her what isn't acceptable.

Good luck.

I have tried to turn the wifi off many times she is a bully and I know she will get physical if I try to turn it off as she has done many times or DH laughs and turns it on

Well, there's your problem, RIGHT there. I've never said this on MN before, but your DH is an arsehole.
Course she's not going to behave herself, is she, if her DAD is undermining everything that you're doing?!
NOT normal behaviour for a parent.

Op I feel for you, it's hard enough reigning in a bad attitude when your dh is on the same page, never mind working against you.

Can I ask if you check what she looks at on Instagram & when she's on her iPad? And almost midnight even on a Friday night is much too late, even my teenager is in bed by that time.

You say your DH favours your Dd as she was the first girl - how many dc do you have? Whereabouts does your 9-year-old come in the family?

Sorry, wasn't very constructive but that's basically what it boils down to in my last post!
What you need to be doing in that situation is turning off the wifi, and confiscating the phone. Balls to dad being an arse. This is what should be happening.
Ban her from Instagram for a start, she's too young to be on it (especially if she's being mean on it, then she doesn't deserve to be on it in the first place if she can't use it sensibly.)
Oh, and tell her it's bedtime. Half term or not, half eleven is extremely late for a 9 year old! No wonder she's playing up.

ES is 9 and doesn't have online access to anything bar sumdog on my Mac and Youtube on the Apple tv in the lounge. I tend to err towards limiting stuff like Instagram/Facebook at this age because they're still quite young.

If she's having moody patches and being a bit rude it's probably a bit of a mix of hormones, picking stuff up off friends but also simple stuff like over tiredness if she's up at 11pm. ES is generally a good kid but is a devil if he's tired. We keep similar bedtimes during half term just to keep him in a routine. I do think you and DH need to be on the same page though, or she'll keep riding roughshod over whatever you say. There ought to be consequences for rudeness until she realises there's a correct way to speak to you.

Also, if SH laughs at you, can you change the wifi password and let him apologise for being such a shithead before giving it back to him? He sounds an absolute tit.

Sorry, I meant DH

We have 5 children she is the middle child. She usually goes to bed at 9 and is still full of energy but I will send her to bed at 9.

tell your dh to man the fuck up and take your side or face the consequences in a few years time when she becomes a teenager
I have a teenage daughter and she sometimes tries to push the boundaries and becomes a cheeky mare but my dh and I are on the same side and I never back down

I have a nearly nine year old with significant behavioural difficulties, related to some special needs he has, and I really do feel for you - it is bloody hard work even when two parents are on the same page.

Does your DH feel that your DD behaves like this because she is easily anxious or stressed for some reason? Are there reasons he might think this - life circumstances or something about DDs personality?

The trap - and goodness only knows if you can explain this to him - is that even if he is right, just giving in to your DD at every turn will not be what she needs. DS poor behaviour is often related to intense anxiety and the need to feel in control. If he knew we would give him whatever he demanded, there would be no stopping him because he would keep looking for that feeling of control to get rid of the anxiety. As it is, we try to give DS a feeling of control and security through lots and lots of structure, routine, and being clear about what we expect of him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but it's better than the alternative!

DS with a phone and social media would be a disaster and I wouldn't consider it until he's much older. He has access to an iPad but at clearly understood times - ideally about an hour a day. It gets removed for poor behaviour or hitting and he knows that. I also hold v firm on bedtimes simply because a tired DS is an unbelievably badly behaved DS. He is up in bed by 8.30 and asleep by 9 in the main. Up at 7 for school.

How is your DD at school? Would your DH listen to any of the above if it came from a school professional such as your DDs teacher or SENCO?

All the best.

Your DH sounds like MILs boyfriend. He has always undermined her in front of the kids and is a big fan of the late night takeaway, so the kids never bother eating what MIL prepares. He lavishes the kids in gadgets and always gives in to their whining. Its not because he's a great dad, its because he can't be arsed to deal with them.

Your DH can't let you try for a week. It has to be permanent and it has to come from both of you, a united front. Otherwise the situation will only get worse.

She is doing okay at school she usually finishes her work quickly so has nothing to do for the rest of the lesson and starts misbehaving, she is happy with her friendship group right now and very confident at school plays on sports teams etc.

What advice would you give NannyOgg if ours is too simplistic?

It's not that it's too simplistic, it's that it's ignoring every point the OP makes. It helps if she's listened to.

There is no point in her battling with the child when her husband immediately undermines her. I do agree with whoever suggested stopping the judo lessons as the OP pays for those (unless of course, her H finds the money...)

The issue is definitely to deal with the husband, but if he won't listen, it's not as easy as LTB (or chuck him out - how does that work exactly, when it's his home too?) as there are 3 children and lives involved. It takes a lot of untangling and time.

So she thinks that because she is Top Girl at school, that she gets to be Top Girl at home as well. It's not uncommon, I was far too big for my boots at this age as well, but the problem is that no-one is stopping her behaving like this. Do her big brothers put up with her nonsense, or do they play you up as well? How does your DH treat the boys?

As the others have said, your bigger problem is your DH, not your daughter. Is there a chance that the two of you could sit down without the kids and really talk this through, or could you get someone else to talk to him (perhaps one of his friends?).

She isn't doing this because she is top dog at school, if indeed she does. She is pushing the boundaries because she feels insecure and confused and is inwardly, unconsciously hoping that she will find the limit and be pulled back into line so she can feel safe again.

Being a nine year old who is able to push her mother around and manipulate her father is a very confusing and distressing place to be and I feel very sorry for her.

She needs you to work this out with your DH and develop an approach in which you back each other up, even if you disagree in private later about what happened.

I think this situation is too far gone for you to deal with it alone and you need a parenting course or family support worker to help you sort it out.

At school, boundaries and expectations are clear and teachers generally present a united front. She probably feels and awful lot more secure there than she does at home.

My dd had a classmate like her in primary school. The child had gone through a serious health scare and ever since she was spoilt rotten. All her classmates were thoroughly shocked at how she treated her mother and was given everything while being totally ungrateful. I felt so, so sorry for the child and all of us other parents had to pressurise our children to continue to play with her as it was a very small group of girls in the class.

The boys don't put up with her they are well behaved and lovely they try and be kind but if she starts messing up they will stick up for themselves and not take it.

I think the school could support you, get in touch with the SENCO or family support worker if they have one. If she is getting into trouble at school they need to address that with correct level of challenge in lessons.

If the behaviour is causing problems in school your P needs to go along and listen to their ideas- one of which will be consistency of approach at home!

Good luck OP

I would try and get school onside, your dd desperately needs more discipline.

if you are struggling to effectively discipline (because your twat of a dh just gives her back whatever you take away) id do everything I could to get her in more social situations where she will not get away with this sort of behaviour. example- my dd behaviour got a lot worse when she was due to go up a group I nursery because she was the oldest in her room and could push all the other kids around without anyone standing up to her, now she has gone up a group and is the youngest shes had a taste of her own medicine and is finding the other kids wont be pushed around. she is much better and nicer to be around because of it.

maybe ask for her to be in an older/ stricter group at judo?