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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

159 replies

Sexyhouseslippers · 20/02/2015 23:17

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down. Sad

OP posts:
AmserGwin · 21/02/2015 18:41

Why does a 9 year old need a phone? Mine is asleep or at least upstairs by 9pm at the latest! Wow

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 19:01

The school have asked to talk to me after half term so I was already due to see them I will bring it up with them and talk to her judo teacher. DH claims to find it hard as he puts it down to cultural differences and thinks the English are too strict with their children.

OP posts:
jigsawlady · 21/02/2015 19:23

are you english and he isnt? or both foreign?

I really feel for you, ive seen parent where one undermines the other constantly and causes the dc to resent one parent.

try to compendste as much as you can to qvoide her becoming too spoilt and a bully but also try and find something you can bond over with her to try and establish more of a friendly but respectful mother / daughter relationship

Jennifersrabbit · 21/02/2015 19:59

So am I right you have two boys who are well behaved? Is your DH happy to use 'normal' methods of managing behaviour with them, or does he just not undermine you when you do it?

If he's happy to discipline the boys what is the problem with him doing the same with DD?

I would definitely recommend being frank with school about how difficult things are and try and explain that you and DH disagree without being too hostile, maybe 'we do x y and z with our sons, I feel DD would benefit from similar measures but DH finds this hard to accept'? If your SENCO is anything like ours they are likely to have a chat with you and DH and stress the importance of consistency at home. DH may find it easier to accept coming from a third party professional.

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 20:46

My daughter does not have special needs so would I still need to talk to someone from SENCO. DH is always willing to support me with the other children.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 21/02/2015 21:13

Two years I had a 9 year old like yours though for different reasons, ExH had left for OW and had no rules in his house.
For a variety of reasons DD stopped seeing him, I was hard core Mummy for quite while (I still heavily limit iPad etc use).
2 years I have a much happier, nicer girl. We still have the occasional spat, but it is rare now.
At this age they are testing to see where the boundaries lie, if they can't find any they become very anxious and unruly. Bring boundaries back and they become happier children.

Morloth · 21/02/2015 21:18

Your daughter's behavior is the symptom not the problem.

Your husband is the problem. He will wreck her life if he continues like this.

RandomMess · 21/02/2015 21:33

If there aren't any boundaries she is going to push more and more and more to find them!

Children like boundaries, your DH is definitely the problem IMHO.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 22:19

Forget about your dd for now. She is not the problem, she is just a product of her environment. Change her environment and she will change.

You need to sort this out with your dh. Don't speak to his parents, it's got nothing to do with them. Speak to him and keep speaking to him until you get through to him.

Jennifersrabbit · 21/02/2015 22:33

Hi, I think certainly the SENCO at our school would be happy to talk to the parent of any child who was having difficulties for whatever reason - but it might depend on the set up. See who turns up to the meeting you have arranged after half term.

Key thing I think is to get school on your side and to (without making it too obvious!) see if they can talk to DH about the problem. It may be very helpful if her two brothers are at the same school and the teachers can see that you are very capable of managing behaviour, provided you are backed up!

Mumm300 · 21/02/2015 22:57

I think goldmandra has hit the nail on the head with the causes of this behaviour, she is confused and insecure, getting mixed messages, although I think there are things you and your dh can do before going to find external help.

When she is doing chores make sure you praise her for doing it well, that way she will have more self respect and feel good about herself, and about you, and who knows you -may be able to get her to help more often.

If you have a little one as well then perhaps the older one is growing up more quickly than some other posts daughters, and perhaps she would welcome being treated as responsible member of the household who has something to contribute. Plenty of praise is needed, catch her being good rather than noticing the bad too much.

She is getting bored - you need to give her something to do - get her to help you or your dh with the chores regularly - give her some responsibilty , pick something she might enjoy and is able to do at least after some practice. Make her feel good by praising her when she does it well, make it an opportunity for you to chat about girly things together. Washing up with you or emptying the dishwasher?

Perhaps you could leave the other 4 with dh for a day and take her shopping and chat with her to make sure she knows you love her and make her feel special. I find this works a treat with my 13 year old when she starts to play up. Also might help dh realise how much work they are!

I dont think you can take away the instagram permanently now she is used to it, but there can still be boundaries, for example no phone after 8pm in term time. Rewards for good behaviour and/or helping with housework - chocolate, money, more credit on the phone, trip to macdonalds, whatever it takes - more effective than punishments imho.

Most importantly, you need to be on same wavelength as dh. If he is letting you try your method for a week this wont work unless he is also buying in. If he does not agree with and support your method you may have to consider trying his method and use carrot and stick, positive messages for positive behaviour whilst also consistent boundaries. Compromise I know and I do think he is being a bit useless but it is really really important you both are consistent, perhaps more important than which method you use.

Patsyandeddie · 21/02/2015 23:01

Unidentifieditem - talking major sense, I might add a divorce petition into it to be honest. What is the OP doing negotiating with a 9 year old, she is a child and you are the parent, what you say is law!!

Patsyandeddie · 21/02/2015 23:05

WTF 'detox' - is that man for real! You have a spoilt, manipulative child who is being supported by her idiot father, it's up to you to sort something out before you end up losing the plot!

MrsTawdry · 21/02/2015 23:11

Why is she on Instagram at NINE!??

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 23:52

She uses Instagram and sends pictures to her friends and vice versa and follows people she also uses it to send photos to DH family who are abroad. Lots of really helpful advice on here I will try and praise DD as I tend to think of the negatives, I will make time to take her out tomorrow DH is uncertain like I said previously but what he means is he will follow my rules for a week and if it is effective we will continue. DD has been fairly well behaved today she played up a bit but was fairly calm.

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 22/02/2015 00:41

Don't forget OP, that you need to build in some 'carrot' as well as stick. Whatever works: verbal praise, a chance to do something with you, whatever.

She needs to know exactly what you expect of her, and you need to build in some sort of reward for her when she fulfills expectations.

it may seem ridiculous to reward a child for merely doing what they are supposed to do, but your DD has been receiving very mixed messages for quite a while.

She's not going to change overnight, her habits of behaviour have been unchallenged, so she needs not just punishments, but also incentives to change.

Best of luck.

MrsTawdry · 22/02/2015 00:49

Sexy well I know the POINT of Instagram but it's really not suitable for a 9 year old. She can send pictures to relatives with an app like Whatsapp or something.

No need to be on public social media at this age...as her behaviour proves, it's just too young.

EstRusMum · 22/02/2015 00:58

I think that if your DH thinks your method doesn't work, tell him to parent her himself. So any behaviour problem in school should be explained to him, not to you. Every mess she makes, should be cleaned by him. All of her expenses should be paid by him. He would understand your point within first month.
The only difficulty with this method is fixing your confused DD after daddy realises that you were indeed right and he should back you up in every decision. Hmm

YouAreMyRain · 22/02/2015 11:40

I cannot believe your DHs behaviour! How dare he undermine you? He is bullying you and using your DD to do it. Really really nasty behaviour. Your poor DD too, what an awful situation for her. Your DH needs to back you up or leave. Seriously.

Goldmandra · 22/02/2015 12:17

what he means is he will follow my rules for a week and if it is effective we will continue.

One week isn't going to be a miracle cure. You both need to be consistent with boundaries and supportive of each other for several weeks or months before she will start to feel secure. The first week is likely to be more difficult as she pushes harder to try to regain her old freedoms and get her Dad to step in on her behalf. It could take some considerable time for her to get the message.

It has no doubt taken years to form the relationships and expectations you all have of each other. It is not going to be sorted in one week.

Jennifersrabbit · 22/02/2015 12:22

Yyyyy to what Goldmandra says above. If we decided to do something differently with DS one week in would probably be the worst point, as that would be just when he was trying his hardest to see if we really meant it!

Your boys must be at least 10 and 11? What on earth do they think of the fact that there seems to be one rule for them and another for their sister? My kids lose NO time in telling me when they think things are unfair!

Jennifersrabbit · 22/02/2015 12:23

Sorry, that sounds as if I think it might be your fault. I don't. I am just surprised the boys haven't complained to their Dad - a lot.

Pipbin · 22/02/2015 12:31

He thinks that the English are too strict?
I don't know where he is from but I would say that the English are much less strict than other nationalities.

YouAreMyRain · 22/02/2015 12:34

Him "allowing you" to do things your way for a bit is his way of setting you up to fail, to look like the baddy and to prove a point that you are an idiot and he is right. He will really enjoy it. This is so wrong. He needs a kick up the arse.

littleleftie · 22/02/2015 14:04

I cannot get over this - NINE

Dear Lord! I really thought you were going to say she was 13 - 15.

Your DH is the problem here as you are well aware. He has to start backing you up, and cannot carry on with this crap "parenting" situation. I am sure it suits him very well leaving you with all the hard work being Bad Cop.

Your DD needs firm boundaries and consequences for her rudeness and bad behaviour. A week isn't nearly enough - I would say three months.