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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

159 replies

Sexyhouseslippers · 20/02/2015 23:17

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down. Sad

OP posts:
Jollyphonics · 20/02/2015 23:38

Take her phone and iPad away

steppeinginto2015 · 20/02/2015 23:38

OP, firm/clear boundaries actually make children feel safe. When they feel insecure for whatever reason, they kick against those boundaries. When we show them that the boundaries are still there, then they actually feel safer and more secure. When we change the boundaries or don't enforce them, they feel less safe and kick off more.

In this case, when she answers back and gives you a load of mouth, what she needs is for you to remind her you are the adult, that behaviour isn't on and put in a straight forward consequence. Stop negotiating, do the broken record thing, no you can't do x, it is bedtime. Don't get side tracked.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2015 23:38

Turn off the Wifi and go to bed.

Passmethecrisps · 20/02/2015 23:38

If you must turn off the wifi.

She needs to go to bed now. You gave her a wee bit of time and she is terribly young.

MetallicBeige · 20/02/2015 23:38

I thought she was going to be young teenager age too.
OP remove her phone and send her to bed, a 9 year old really doesn't need one. What did she do on Instagram? She's far too young to be getting into spats over social media.

Cataline · 20/02/2015 23:39

Try telling her she either goes upstairs without her phone and iPad NOW or she goes later and loses both for a week? Who's the mum here?

LaurieFairyCake · 20/02/2015 23:40

You should be taking all gadgets off her at 8pm. It's ridiculous a kid that age is controlling things.

She shouldn't have Internet or Instagram or any social media at all - she's a little kid.

Summerisle1 · 20/02/2015 23:41

Stop negotiating and send her to bed. Unconditionally! Also, you need a serious talk with your DH because your daughter is happily playing the pair of you off against each other.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2015 23:41

It's not just the mum who should have to enforce the rules.

What's the sorry-ass DH doing to help?

MetallicBeige · 20/02/2015 23:42

Your husband needs to sort himself out, he's being so unfair on you and on your dd. he should be presenting a united front with you, not playing doting daddy letting her do whatever she pleases while being rude to you. Such a harmful dynamic.
Have the relationships always been like this? Is he as soft on your younger children?

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 20/02/2015 23:44

I have tried to turn the wifi off many times she is a bully and I know she will get physical if I try to turn it off as she has done many times or DH laughs and turns it on. She downstairs having a takeaway with DH hopefully she'll go to bed afterwards. I will inform you tomorrow as LO needs night feed. Thanks.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/02/2015 23:44

Are you in the UK? So it's almost midnight? What time does she usually go to bed?

pictish · 20/02/2015 23:44

Have you seen the time OP? Yes...it's after 11 o clock. Your 9 year old ought to be asleep, not making demands from the sofa and running rings around you.
Turn off the wifi and put her to bed.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/02/2015 23:44

Send her to bed, take phone and ipad off of her. Check the history on her all electronic devices.She could be accessing anything/anyone and you're walking on eggshells so as not to upset anyone? You are her mother, not her friend.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/02/2015 23:46

"A bully"? She's nine!!! Don't be scared of her OP. Talk to your dh (not right now!). Agree some ground rules. Stick to them.

Passmethecrisps · 20/02/2015 23:47

Hold up. Daughter is downstairs with chortling dad while op puts an infant to bed. Turning off the wifi and doing the stern face won't cut it

pictish · 20/02/2015 23:47

Sounds like there's no back up from dh there. What's he playing at? Cool daddies? He needs to get a grip of himself.

ladymariner · 20/02/2015 23:48

Well, bollocks to that! The phone would be binned, and tbh so would the twat of a husband! She's 9, if she runs rings around you now what is she going to do when she hits her teens and really gets hormonal?

gobbynorthernbird · 20/02/2015 23:48

OP, you need to post in Relationships about your 'D'H, not here about your daughter.

EdSheeran · 20/02/2015 23:48

Your 'D'H is a prize arse.

pictish · 20/02/2015 23:52

Seriously, what sort of fool is he to be sitting sharing a takeaway with your out of control 9 yr old at this time of night?
She gets physical with you over the wifi, and your dh laughs when you try to take the upper hand as a parent and turns it back on?

Your problem is not your daughter OP, it's your idiot husband.

Canyouforgiveher · 20/02/2015 23:52

give up on tonight. Go to bed. Set the alarm

Tomorrow morning when she is sleeping take her phone and her ipad and give them to a friend to hold. tell her that she behaved appallingly last night and this is the consequence. She will get them back after set amount of time once she apologises

If she goes off, let her. Close the door on her or pick her up and put her in her room and leave her there - holding door closed if necessary. If your dh complains/intervees tell him you have no intention of abdicating parental responsibiliies like he does. If he gets t do the opposite to what you want, then so do you. If he lets her out of her room fine -but do not give back the phone. Make sure it is out of the house.

Assert control. She is only 9. Be the boss/parent. It isn't for your benefit - it is for hers.

You obviously realise that your dh (and you) are making a rod to break your back here. If she gets physical at 9, imagine when she is 15, is bigger than you and wants to do something illegal or dangerous in your house. Your dh sounds like a dick - he is as big a problem as your dd.

How do you feel about your husband. If dh undermined me like that or I undermined him, our marriage would be in serious difficulties.

Good luck. Raising children isn't for the faint-hearted.

Pomegranatemolasses · 20/02/2015 23:52

Very hard - you and DH have to get on same page right now. Take her phone, make her go to bed and lay down very clear boundaries.

It's very difficult and you have all my sympathies. Depending on her behaviour and just how 'oppositional' she is, you may have to instigate a carrot/stick approach: ie this is what we expect, and if you behave this way you get 'x' reward, but if you fail to behave you receive 'x' sanction.

SOunds simple, but in your situation I know it's anything but. Your actual biggest problem is your DH not backing you up. This has to stop now. You both have no option. Come to a consensus for DD's sake. Otherwise the situation will become hopeless.

Ludoole · 20/02/2015 23:52

If you don't take back control now and start putting boundaries in place, the next few years will be absolute hell....

steppeinginto2015 · 20/02/2015 23:56

Op what a difficult situation with your dh.

You and he need to sort out your priorities. If you don't get some control back, and boundaries in place, and agree on some basic household rules, then teenage is going to be a nightmare.

Agree with the others, that the problem here is dh not dd.

btw, a 9 year old needs 10-12 hours sleep. What time does she wake up?

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