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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just go to bed and leave her on the sofa?

159 replies

Sexyhouseslippers · 20/02/2015 23:17

Hello today I had a heated argument with DD over her attitude and behaviour. She use to be really sweet but has started rolling her eyes, being rude to family, friends and teachers etc. I had a talk with her as she had been really horrible on Instagram hugely backfired she told me to get out her business and leave the room so I did as I was trying to get her phone. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells had a bit of a cry she is a huge daddy girl and in DH eyes can do nothing wrong so he always takes her side we have talked but we just argue. I wish I could stop being a shit mother she still downstairs as it half term shall I let her stay down. Sad

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/02/2015 06:23

Your dh isn't being a parent, he's pathetic. More concerned with keeping her sweet than parenting her.

lunar1 · 21/02/2015 06:40

I never say this but you and you husband need couples counselling. His behaviour will ruin the life of all your children, and your dd will grow up to be a complete brat.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 10:58

I think OP is scared of both her husband and her child. He won't go to counselling, he won't listen to her and she won't leave him. This will only get worse.

The child is being used as a pawn by the husband to undermine the OP. Difficult family dynamics and I predict an 'off the rails' teenager.

The husband will blame the OP. You can see it all coming clear as day Sad

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 11:10

Hello, I've had a chat with DH he believes we need a softer approach with her but said he's willing to let me test it for a week. We've had a chat with DD She said she misbehaves because she gets bored or if she doesn't like people. DH refuses counselling for him or DD. She will be doing chores for 3 days and have her IPad/phone removed.

OP posts:
laughingmyarseoff · 21/02/2015 11:15

Your DH is an idiot, when your daughter is a teen and laughing in his face, doing what she wants and what upsets him he will regret his poor parenting. He is acting like a friend, not wanting to fall from favour in her eyes, that is poor parenting he needs to be her father.

He's obviously not that invested in his child's well being, or yours or the households if he refuses counselling and to act like a parent..

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 11:22

He's willing to let you test it for a week? Well that's big of him Hmm

It's not enough OP, that will not change her behaviour.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/02/2015 11:27

She's 9.
Phone goes.
Any form of social media goes.
She does not dismiss her mother from the room.
She goes to bed and starts behaving herself properly or there are further consequences.

I take it you know there are no underlying issues (eg bullying or unhappiness) ?

Patsyandeddie · 21/02/2015 12:57

What do you mean, 'trying to get her phone' - she's 9 for gods sake! You are going to have serious problems in a few years, how can you let a child bully you, put the baby down and remove all her social media stuff, physically if necessary!

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2015 13:17

Patsyandeddie

Did you read where the problem is her appeasing father? The OP can't do any of that if he undermines her at every turn.

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/02/2015 13:25

I don't see this working for you Op. Your husband 'allowing you' Hmm to test this for a week will just lead to more undermining of your stance.

You both need to be completely on the same page - not you being the bad guy while your h watches from the sidelines.

Endler32 · 21/02/2015 13:26

My 9 and 11 year old don't have access to social media, Instagram or mobile phones, they don't need these things until they get to high school ( not sure if they really need it then either ). When I read your OP I thought you were describing a 14 year old dd not a 9 year old Sad. You need to gain control now or you will be in trouble when she is 14.

LeotheLioness · 21/02/2015 13:37

I have a 8 1/2 year olaandan 11 year old neither have any form of social media. I am only just considering an email address for my 11 year old. If they behaved the way you dd id they would lose phone/ipad privileges immediately.

My DH is also a very soft touch and will give in to most things to the DC but I am very firm with bed time rules as well as respect etc. You need to take control of her behaviour now otherwise there could be major issues in her teens. I do understand that you don't want to be the 'bad guy' but she can't have two friends instead of two parents.

Goldmandra · 21/02/2015 13:55

Your DH needs to go on a parenting course to learn about how children feel safer and happier if they have firm clear boundaries. You probably need to go on one too to give you more confidence to implement those boundaries.

If you and your DH don't get a handle on her behaviour now you are in for a very rough ride and your DD is likely to be at all sorts of risk as a teenager.

You DH shouldn't be allowing you to try your approach for a week. Giving children firm clear boundaries needs to be permanent. Your DD is going to fight this very hard, especially if she knows your DH isn't on board and his view that your methods don't work will become a self fulfilling prophesy.

I have to say that if my DH turned back on the wifi and laughed at me when I was using it to manage my DD's behaviour, I would go ape-shit at him. That is absolutely 100% out of order. Why is he teaching her to ignore you?

Never, ever give her reason to believe she can tell you to leave the room again. You are the adult. It is your job to keep her safe and teach her how to behave. How can you do that if you allow her to order you around?

Coyoacan · 21/02/2015 14:06

Do something please about your DH, OP. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

callamia · 21/02/2015 14:11

I hate to join the cascade of concern here, but I think it's largely right. Your daughter isn't the bully, your husband is. He's undermining you, making you unsure and insecure in doing what you KNOW is right.

By 'letting' you 'trial' your discipline strategies, he's standing by and waiting for it to fail. He is doing your daughter a disservice, and of course, he is being disrespectful to you. How many children do you have? You said that she is the first girl - are there older children too?

You do need to work as a partnership, it's confusing to children otherwise and will invite behaviour that seems manipulative. She's only a young child, she needs to know where she's safe and what is ok.

SocialMediaAddict · 21/02/2015 14:14

I'm flabbergasted. I have 9 year old twins and they wouldn't be allowed to behaviour like that. It's completely unacceptable and she will be a hellish teenager.

Jollyphonics · 21/02/2015 14:17

I don't understand why you can't remove the iPad and phone without your husband's agreement. What's he going to do - go out and buy new stuff straight away? I would just take it away, say it's not appropriate for her age, and appears to be making her behave badly. End of story. Surely your husband can't think this behaviour is normal at 9 years old? Speaking to her mother like that, and sitting eating a takeaway at nearly midnight??! My 9 year old has been asleep for 4 hours by then.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2015 14:21

I would have said "Don't you DARE talk to me like that. Get up to your room RIGHT NOW. The wifi is going off and staying off!"

I would turn it off and change the password so DH couldn't put it back on for her. Then I would tell him that we have some serious talking to do and things are going to change, starting right here, right now.

JudgeRinderSays · 21/02/2015 14:24

Don't stop her Judo .It is really good for her to have a 'non-electronic' interest and good exercise. Do threaten to have a word with the instructor (sensei?) if she ever ever uses it outside the dojo (unless in self defence of course)
Anyway all this happened last night.To be fair it was very late when you posted and she was probably worse because she was exhausted.
You maybe need to think about getting her into a better routine.Tired kids are bound to be cranky.

Unidentifieditem · 21/02/2015 14:44

She is a CHILD. Be the adult and discipline her. If your DH doesn't like it or doesn't support you kick him out before you end up with a 15 yr old with no boundaries taking drugs, shagging around and physically abusing her family (are other kids at risk at home??). It will get worse you know.

Also get the phone, remove the sim and sell the handset. She can have a phone again when she is old enough to need one ffs. Why does a 9r old NEED a phone?!

Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 14:46

She went to a birthday party today but maybe she'll take it more seriously tomorrow. DH claims that I should accept her for who she is and taking her out or giving in allows her to 'Detox' and keep stress free wtf does that mean. I will talk to his parents maybe they can talk sense into him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexyhouseslippers · 21/02/2015 14:53

Patsyanddeddie so far example:
Me: Your behaviour is out of order because you did...so I will take your iPhone/pad etc.
DD: No you are not she very sarcastic and tells me I'm not listening as im old enough I don't like your attitude, she will say I will tell everyone.
DH: Do you want my iPad or get your coat etc.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 21/02/2015 14:54

Accept her for who she is! Christ on a bike. She's a cheeky, spoiled wee mare, thanks to your DH. Her teenage years will be the stuff of nightmares, if he allows her to behave like this at 9.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/02/2015 14:55

And she'd have been at no bloody party today, no chance!

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2015 15:00

I do love the simplistic answers on this thread!

Yes she is a nightmare - because her father encourages it.

Take XYZ away. Of course. Then her father gives it back or rewards her in another way.

Don't let her go to the party. Till her father gets her coat and takes her anyway.

Don't allow her to be rude. Till her father joins in with it.

Anyone seeing a theme here?

Kick him out. Oh, so easy to do. And then at least he gets joint custody, so carries on (with the other DC too) or applies for full custody.

OP, ask for this to be moved to Relationships. I think you may get more thoughtful advice there.

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