To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

My exp was meant to pay 240 a month for 3 dc so think yourself incredibly lucky

Op Id step away from this for a while.

Your honesty regarding your financial affairs is being thrown back in your face. I'd stop giving any further financial details to be scrutinised and ridiculed.

Yanbu ....follow up some of the sound advice given here.

Firefly, The OP does not have tax free cash of £1400. The £ 800 FOR the Children is money presumably from the fathers salary after he has paid tax on it. The OP is below the personal limit of £10000 to pay tax, we all have this personal limit . The problem about earning more at present is she is sick, pregnant and has to find childcare for the children , she has no immediate family to help out. As a family they probably paid shed loads in taxes before the separation, if she is entitled to Child T ax Credit she should claim it to help her until she gets sorted.

That is actually a lot compared to most people. 4x what we receive.

He's not the wronged party, and £800 is a small % of his income. Those things are indisputable I think.
But, you have inherited wealth (and I'm sure you wish you hadn't, but to be brutally honest lots of people lose their parents young without inheriting a penny, it's the inherited wealth that is fortunate, not losing your parents)
Your XH earns that money, he has a right to live off it. So you your children, and they will be. Not to the same standard as before, and maybe you see that as unfair, but that's what the law says. NRPs have the right to enjoy their earned income as long as they support their children, which he will be doing.
You have an income, from unearned inherited property. You also have a home. You also have a decent income from maintenance. I get that it all seems scary now but I'm sure you will appreciate the freedom far more than the money. And you will be fine!

Posters don't seem to get.... its all relative to his earnings.

She asked the question in her Op about her particular situatio.

So because some absent fathers CSA payments are 2.09 a week for 4 kids Op should count herself lucky

I think yabu.

Personally, I think 20% of nrp's income is about right.

And as for not getting anything else and just £1400

Maintenance isn't taken into account...so if you have income of £600pm then you WILL qualify for tc's, plus you'll get cb for 3.

You don't have housing costs but if you did, you'd get a substantial amount of that covered too - something the nrp wouldn't get.

Regardless of the reason for splitting, what do people realistically expect nrp's to pay? 50 % of their wages maybe? Would that be acceptable?

Yes, it's more than many, I know this.

But the point is it is all relative isn't it?? If Prince William walked out on Kate I swear some of you would be saying she should think herself lucky with £800 a month.

NO, STBX did not walk out on me but after over a decade of physical abuse and intimidation, of emotional abuse - gas lighting (hiding things then shouting at me for losing them being his little trademark) name-calling, sneering, jeering, being so awful to my friends, not letting me see other friends, sexual abuse - which you know I am NOT going to go into - financial abuse - oh and those having a go at me for not working, he wouldn't let me! Repeatedly laughed if I brought it up, sabotaged any attempts I made - I tried to get a job as a healthcare worker a few months ago; would he take then - 4 month old DD for me while I did the training? No. Would he PAY for someone to look after her? No. Did I have any friends who could help? See above.

And you know what the STUPID thing is, I still love him, in a way I hate him but a part of me loves him and cares for him and hopes to God he can see where he went wrong. Somewhere in there is actually a good person but he always had a need to control and that just kept getting worse and worse until it shifted into downright cruelty.

I'm worried for our future but I'm not grasping or greedy; I'm really not like that at all.

Considering that he effectively does not have to provide a home for his children and given his obvious earning capability, £800 doesn't seem much as a percentage. What other people get is irrelevant really as it's about individual circumstances

As for your properties OP and him getting one of them in your divorce, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Yes, they are 'assets', but as you will be the resident, sole parent of 3 DC presumably your share of the marital pot will be substantially higher than his? I would have thought that if he has a very high salary and therefore pension and possibly savings to declare then you can negotiate to keep your properties.

I think this would be my action plan. Hang onto my family inheritance and let him bugger off with his pension. Speak to your solicitor.

I'm actually astounded at this calculator. I've just done a hyperthetical calculation based on what I'd receive. I'm speechless.

I'll do my best with it mama but given the replies on here! I'm not hopeful!

To be blunt, if Mumsnet, which normally does appreciate the role a SAHM plays and normally is dead set against abusive arseholes, thinks he's the wronged party and I'm the grasping one, I probably won't have much luck

I think YANBU and that it's completely unfair that men get to avoid their responsibilities by paying what to them is a relatively small sum while in the vast majority of cases women have to do all the work of raising the children with a very much reduced lifestyle after a divorce. Where I'm from in the US I think the system is much more fair generally. When my father left my mother he was having to pay half his income to us. That seems about right to me.

The MN monty python appreciation society strike again with a brilliant take on the four Yorkshire men sketch.

Absolutely. You have had a kicking on here which is completely undeserved. That many men pay absolutely fuck all for their children, doesn't mean any paltry contribution should be met with Uriah Heepish gratitude. My childcare bill is £1750 per month to put that in context and I only have two.

That was exactly what I was like Only!

£800 for someone who's take home pay is £2000 is a LOT. When your take home pay is closer to £4000 it's not, as much!

£800 for three children plus child benefit so £1000 will easily cover their needs unless you have very expensive tastes. I think you need to wise up and live in the real world, for some that's their entire wage and has to pay for everything not just the childrens needs.

What happens if he loses his job or falls ill, you'll get nothing then from him but even then you'll still have your inheritance so are very lucky to have a rainy day fund.

I think YANBU to excpect more money from your Ex, not at all, and it seems very unfair. I am sorry people have been so critical of you, and I don't think you deserve the nastiness there has been on this thread.

However, I think to help you move forward you need to try and accept your circumstances. It is shit, it is unfair, but you can't turn back time, or force your Ex to give you more money. Constantly turning over in your mind how unfair the situation is will just drive you crazy. 1400 a monthwith no mortgage is a lot to live off in most people's eyes. Our household after tax income is 1400 (two earners) and we have a mortvage to pay out of that too. Every month is a struggle and when something big happens, like an MOT, we are selling things on gumtree and ebay to raise the cash. Lots of people live like this, and I would not complain about my low income, as I know people that are much more hard up than me, that use foodbanks etc.

I don't want to diminish how much your siutation is shit but perhaps you should focus on looking at what benefits you can get, and budgetting to help you live a fulfilling life with your DC's and away from your Ex.

So really what you want is for people to agree with you and not express a difference of opinion? You are focused on all the wrong stuff. Your ex will pay only what the CSA makes him. And if he's clever, there are ways he can reduce that. You can't rely on it, not even in the short term.

No one has suggested your ex is 'right' or that he shouldn't have to pay for his children or anything else. But he will be allowed to earn his own money and keep a substantial portion of it - he doesn't pay more maintenance because he's abusive. You are expected to somehow bridge the gap. You have an income and no mortgage or childcare to pay out at the moment. And a substantial amount coming in on top of your income. When my ex walked out, I had a mortgage of £1.2k a month to find as a pregnant SAHM and a self employed ex who didn't have to pay a penny. Our children lost their home. And with the exception of immediate family and friends, no one could have cared less. You're on your own now and need to find a way to make it work. That's not being 'nasty'. It's just how it is.

Don't rely on assuming you will get tax credits/help with childcare costs and those calculators are unreliable.

When I became a lone parent, I worked and spent thousands on childcare but didn't qualify for the childcare element of tax credits. When I didn't work, the tax credits were very generous I thought.

You really do need to sort things out for yourself as the poster above says. Many of us don't receive any child maintenance so have to find other means of providing for our children. It is tough.

Yes I had to sell the family home too and my children were still young.

Chessie00, perhaps the fairest way to workit out is to consider what proportion of the OP's income would be spent on providing for the children once she's able to get back into the workplace. The strong likelihood is that the vast majority of her income would be spent in providing for the children or for childcare costs. At the moment, for example, my childcare costs are higher than my salary for my four day a week professional role -we are spending perhaps 120% of my salary on childcare alone but it's an investment in future earning potential. So on that basis, the husband would be getting a fantastic deal if he only had to pay 50% of his salary when the other partner was using a much higher proportion of her salary for the children.

How much he has to pay is set by law, it can't be increased because he was abusive. It sounds as if you could benefit from counselling or therapy of some description to sort out your feelings about yourself and your ex.