To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

Op haven't read the whole thread but to answer your original post. Yanbu.

No, I'm not saying it should be increased because he was abusive, Tinkerball. I was trying to explain - justify myself really, though I should not have to - as to why I asked him to leave.

Counselling? Costs money. You know?

Fedup - I don't know what I wanted. Not to be called a 'victim' would have been nice though.

I am moving forwards, as best I can anyway, and I am doing my best to live in this real world of which you speak.

It's shocking as hell.
It's also desperately depressing how many women are here abusing the op for being greedy rather than being outraged that it is institutionally acceptable for a man to walk out and the woman be left financially fucked.
Great.

No wonder it doesn't get any better when women are angry with the woman who expects more rather than the system .

OP I know this isn't what you are asking about but if I were you I'd be hiring a shit hot lawyer and fighting tooth, nail and even head to keep my hands on those properties

Best wishes to you, those bereavements must have knocked you sideways. Good luck

Sorry but you seem completely fixated on what he earns - you keep saying he has 4k a month and only gives you 800. It comes across as if you miss having access to 4k a month. You seem to rely on what he was giving you however it was never yours...

Due to your unfortunate circumstances I don't think your doing too badly having three properties all paid for - yep I have absolutely no doubt you would rather have your family back in a flash. It must have been really hard to cope given your set of circumstances.

I think you need to look at life differently and stop being bitter about what he earns and what he has because you have an awful lot going for you - what would you do if he stopped work tomorrow and he couldn't give you anything? You need to come to terms with living on your own and having to fend for yourself I think.

for you op.

I can't believe what a hard time you're having here.

You've had an awful time, just terrible.

So you lose the three closest members of your family - and you're supposed to count yourself lucky you have an inheritance

You have the unfortune to be married to a nasty abusive twat, and somehow it's all your fault that he's made your life hell for years.

You finally manage to leave and you're supposed to be grateful that he'll pay you a fraction of what he earns to care for his children.

Sometimes I just don't get mumsnet.

Of course there are people financially worse off than you, but there can't be many who have had quite such an awful time - at least I hope there aren't.

Yanu op. I'm sure you will cope with the money you have. It doesn't make things right or fair though.

Children are quite astute though. I doubt your ex will be able to buy their love with money, so I shouldn't worry about that. You will be the one they turn too, and that puts you on a far better position than him.

It still sucks though.

I hope your new life gets better for you.

Sorry - I am with the earlier posters - YABU

But the money the nrp pays is set as a %.

So paying 50% May seem 'fairer' in a case where salaries are high.

But what about a nrp earning £1500? They pay 20% and are left with £1200. Yes, there's only one person but that person still has to pay rent/mortgage/council tax/travel. Housing/living costs for the nrp aren't only a quarter of the costs of the rp, because there are 3 dc there. The rp, if on a low income with children will get financial help - which the single nrp won't.

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It's not a very high % of his post tax income, and it's disappointing that he doesn't want to top it up so his children enjoy the same standard of living as before.

Also, I'm so sorry you have gone through all that you have. I hope better days are ahead for you. Good luck.

OP - you have had a kicking on here.

AIBU is absolutely the wrong place to post TBH.

I think you should step away from this thread because it is only going to upset you - especially if you are feeling very sick with the pregnancy.

I think legal advice re divorce and assets is the way to go, also maybe looking at the possibility of a lodger/au pair.

I had a friend who was in a very similar situation some years ago - only one child though - just about 2 years old.

She was left with the house, but it needed loads of work doing to make it habitable. He was able to afford a very nice flat, car etc. He was a really nasty piece of work and used the state of the house as a stick to beat her with - knowing full well she couldn't afford the work that needed doing.

He was violent and abusive, but had a very well paid job in the legal system, was very clever and manipulative so got away with his behaviour.

She had a tough time for a few years, but she got through it and so will you.

OP I'm just trying to be helpful, you dont have to justify why you have left an abusive husband, you sound a bit prickly there in your answer to me as if to say " I've got no money how can you be so stupid and suggest counselling" type of thing....regardless of how long the waiting list is we do have something called the NHS!

Peggy - OF COURSE I am 'fixated' on what he earns: that is the POINT.

If he earned (say) £2500 a month, £800 of that paying for his children would be totally, completely acceptable.

As it is, it is not. If a millionaire had three children and got a divorce, he would be expected to pay MORE towards them than a man working minimum wage.

I also am getting really tired of being berated about my 'inheritance'; I know some people die and don't leave their loved ones anything, but mine did and you know, plenty more - don't die. My mum didn't even see me get my GCSE results, never saw me graduate, go to my wedding, never met her grandchildren, and most pertinently isn't here to support me now which ironically would mean I COULD work.

But I am supposed to be so grateful she died?

And my dad, dead before he turned 70 and I turned 30? No I'm NOT grateful in the slightest for that, I have absolutely no one here (getting mildly hysterical again, sorry!) I can't stop being sick, I'm exhausted, I've loads to sort out, I have a baby, I have a primary aged child but DH yes he should keep his 3k, poor lamb!

Thanks for nice replies. Whether or not I'm BU . I don't need agreement but I do need a little but of kindness - and not being called unpleasant names.

Yeah I know we do thanks Tinkerball and as you have pointed out, there is a long waiting list.

It was a prickly reply I agree because I am cross. Your reply indicated you thought I should get more because of the abusive environment which was untrue and belittling.

You can get counselling through your GP. Free. Although you will probably have to wait.

So what is the alternative, Pagwatch? That the man is financially fucked? Can't keep a roof over his head...sleeps in his car...loses his job...can't pay maintenance then? The legal process (which is painfully slow and does, I agree, allow a weaker party to struggle financially whilst things are settled) will ensure that as the PWC of three young children who hasn't been working, the OP will be left in as reasonable financial position as is possible. But that doesn't mean he will be left with nothing.

There is no anger at 'the woman who expects more' (not on my part, anyway)...but rather, an acceptance that when relationships with children breakdown, it is usually the mother who has to deal with more than her fair share of the shit. Being outraged he doesn't have to pay more won't change that fact. And outrage doesn't help acceptance of the current situation. Once you accept it, it becomes easier to move on and find ways around it. I'm better off than I ever was with my ex - and I have far less money coming in.

Can some of you just dial down the vile a notch. Or at least maybe try?

So get on the waiting list then.

Yeah sure fedupbutfine.

Being left with only £3,200 is likely to mean he has to sleep in his car.
Much better the wife and children are fucked. That's getting the order of things right.

The effects of years of psychological abuse and physical abuse won't go away overnight, waiting a few months for therapy is nothing.

I don't want counselling or therapy Tinkerball - incidentally, who do you think will look after baby DD while I receive therapy for being put out 'D' H is living the life of Riley while I do not.

Whoever Riley is.

I would, actually, appreciate it if you and fedup could leave me alone; I know that it is frightfully bad form to request that on a thread and "you can't tell people..." will doubtless follow, but just the same, I am really feeling heckled and pulled apart here.

In a minute I'm going to have to face the day : would rather not have to worrying about what I'm going to have to justify when I return.

Thank you pagwatch

Stardust - I am so sorry you lost your parents and your brother and that you ended up in an abusive relationship.
Anywhere but AIBU you would have had a bit more support and understanding.

Pagwatch, it's a risk women take if they don't work and rely solely on their husbands income. It stands to reason if he leaves so does the income.

Should the earners be forced to stay or have to hand over their salary after divorce and not be entitled to a new life. Of course not.

He is paying child support and at present it's a whole lot more than the OP is paying for the children she also chose to create.

The OP simply can't expect to live the lifestyle she had before especially with three children. If circumstances were bad many years ago then deciding to stay and have two more children was always going to be a recipe for disaster.

Counselling may also be needed for the eldest child as well as the OP

Some of the comments on this thread are vile.

No wonder it doesn't get any better when women are angry with the woman who expects more rather than the system

Quite

millionsire had three children and got a divorce, he would be expected to pay MORE towards them than a man working minimum wage.

I really don't get where you're coming from.

If your DH earned £8k, you'd be getting £1600. If he earned £1500 you'd be getting £300.

You're entitled to the same as the rp with a billionaire for a husband - a certain % of income.

Stardust, I get you.

Think overall - you income as a household has reduced to about a third of what it was, while only one person has moved out of the household, and you are wondering how you keep your children's lives the same so that they don't suffer because of the decision you made to end an abusive marraige.

You won't be able to keep their lives the same.

Their lives will be much, much better. Ok there may not be as much cash but you will have enough to get by, and to get by nicely, once you get used to your new budget, and in addition you are free from the abusive, overbeaering shadow that has touched all of your lives and would shadow your children's future if you hadn't acted decisively.

Well done. I am so sorry for the kicking you had on here. It ISN'T fair that one parent suffers more than the other in a break up, financially. Ok it may be life, other men may be worse etc, but that doesn't make it RIGHT.

firefly - part of the abuse was making sure the OP couldn't work. She wanted to, she tried.