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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:24

Kim, I don't know.

I do know that £3000 a month is a lot of money.

I do know that £800, split three ways, isn't, particularly.

Something in that seems a bit unfair.

Thanks Ginnels Flowers

I do somehow think STBX might, just about, be able to scrape enough out of the £3k p/m to live somewhere decent and pay his bills. Confused

OP posts:
minionmadess · 21/02/2015 08:25

Putting aside marital assets. In order for the OP to work full time (as lots of you are saying she should) she will need to put all 3 dc in childcare... that will cost a lot more than £800. Why then should the OP shoulder the cost of this by herself. They are both the parents. I'm sure as a couple they decided for the op to stay at home and look after the dc, this enabled her dh to work and earn a good salary.

It makes me sad that so many woman on this thread are turning on the OP when she is the one that has been left with 100% of childcare and her ex gets to walk away without barely a cross word against him on the thread.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:30

Yes, many do seem to see STBX as the wronged party here, which really did keep me up until the early hours last night.

Despite my saying he has ticked every box for abuse. Despite my explaining, quite early on in the thread, he would not be having unsupervised contact. Despite the fact he has £3000 p/m.

That worries me a lot, as that is certainly the face he will present to his solicitor - of a reasonable man baffled in the face of shrill female hysteria and over reactions.

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/02/2015 08:31

In the last 2.5 years, I've had less than £100 from my ex. He is now refusing to pay his £24 per week assessment so now getting nothing. I would be jumping for joy at £800 a month.

Antiopa12 · 21/02/2015 08:33

OP, take away the£800 a month exs contribution, it is not counted in tax credits, you then have £600 a month income which is £7200 per annum rental profit? Some years you may have less than this if there are no major repairs , voids or legal bills to do with your property.
Apply for Child tax credit, extra income from child tax credit will cushion you until you get back on your feet.

kim147 · 21/02/2015 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 21/02/2015 08:34

Stay focussed Op....I'm also shocked by some of the comments on here.

And he should so be paying more than that.

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/02/2015 08:34

Stardust the drop in income is a shock (been there) and you will have to make changes. But you will cope (it might not seem like it now) and actually you won't be having to deal with your Ex. So whilst you have less income I strongly suspect life will actually be better.
Children go through phases and yes there maybe lure from money and technology, but love and consistency are what makes them feel safe.
Been where you are and got the T-shirt, it gets easier, but it does feel shit at this moment. My Ex brought home a similar amount, but in addition to leaving me got done for drink driving and lost his job so the eventually plummet was to £150 per month.

sockmatcher · 21/02/2015 08:34

like previous poster said make that claim to rax credits now. You have had some duff benefits advice

PopularNamesInclude · 21/02/2015 08:36

Op I think you are right. Even if stbx pays £2000 per month in rent, food, transport and bills, he will have over £1000 in spending money While you have £800 to feed, clothe, pay water electric gas and council tax, school trips, activities and transport for all four of you. I have no idea why anyone thinks this is fair. Your work options will be extremely limited for the next few years as £800 will not scratch the surface of childcare. This sucks and you are welcome to say so out loud!

So... what are your options for income? Is the property large enough for a lodger? Could you consider childminding? Do you have skills that might allow you to work from home?

Don't sell any property or dig unnecessarily into your savings. That is very poor financial advice! You need to think beyond the immediate crisis. Bless your mum and dad for leaving you with a bit of security.

fedupbutfine · 21/02/2015 08:38

It makes me sad that so many woman on this thread are turning on the OP when she is the one that has been left with 100% of childcare and her ex gets to walk away without barely a cross word against him on the thread

the problem is, the sympathy runs out very quickly. And life goes on. Before you know it, people are referring to you as 'benefit scum' very loudly within earshot and you have grown up children and no means of earning a living when they leave home. You have to very quickly learn to fight for your own future in these situations and part of that is accepting that the ex will pay what he pays and not have any of the responsibility of the children and work out how you will manage and get round it all so you have your own, positive future. The OP has faced a lot of criticism but it's aimed at making her recognise that despite the reduced circumstances she is facing, it could be an awful lot worse. If she is able to see through the fog and focus on the other side, she will come out of it a lot more quickly than she will if her sole focus is how unfair it all is. It IS unfair. But with some jiggling and problem-solving, she will be OK. More than OK.

kim147 · 21/02/2015 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:46

Yes well, I'm not on benefits. I appreciated your PM fedup but just the same your comments on here last night were pretty nasty and I'm not sure bringing benefits into it is helpful.

I will clarify the advice I had but it has been assumed by many on here that I don't want to work. According to some of you, I can, easily, get a regular job that will pay enough to put Dc1 in after school clubs and dc2 in full time childcare and dc3 too, when he/she arrives. The fact I feel this is slightly unrealistic has led to 'entitled' 'grabby' 'selfish' 'victim'.

Interestingly, they were all accusations STBX threw at me, before he smashed a load of items up and 'went to' smash me up but dramatically stopped himself, looking like it was oh such an effort. Maybe I should be grateful for that too.

I have a few plans to supplement our income but in the short term there is VERY little I can do until the end of July and probably until well into the autumn.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 08:49

Popular but she doesn't have "only" £800 for the 4 of them, she also has £1400 so that makes £2200, and no mortgage, so not bad!

tumbletumble · 21/02/2015 08:50

I agree with WereJamming. Posters saying the OP may be entitled to more benefits than she realises are missing the point. Why should the taxpayer make up the difference when her STBXH could easily spare more of his income? It implies to me that the CSA calculator is wrong. Having said that, I can see it would be difficult to come up with a calculation that would cover all sorts of different situations.

Good luck OP. I hope your pregnancy goes well. Who cares about the posters who seem to be sympathising with your STBXH. I am sure you will make this work Flowers

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 08:52

And no I don't think your DH is obviously perfect and by the sounds of it you have done the right thing by ending a violent marriage.

FireflySerenity · 21/02/2015 08:53

It's £800 more child support than the OP is paying and she also chose to have the children. The ex also didn't walk away, the OP kicked him out. Of course he will have more of his salary then he will have to hand over, he's the one that works to earn it.

The OP has tax free cash of £1400 and will have a share of the three properties once the divorce is sold. If she wants more, then she can earn her own salary.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:53

No, Tinkerball, I wish: I have £1400 altogether. I do not have 1400 on top of 800.

Yes, I know some of you manage to feed a family of six plus the next door neighbours kids on that amount and go to Australia every year too - but the fact is I am going to struggle on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 08:54

Yes, that's right, I kicked him out.

Obviously, he did nothing.

Obviously, I don't work: I don't do anything at all.

Hmm
OP posts:
kim147 · 21/02/2015 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babynamechange · 21/02/2015 08:57

More hugs. Atm life seems like it's been turned upside down and of course you will worry about coping financially as I'm sure you are worrying about a million other things. But you sound like the kind of person that will make it work and you will be free of this idiot too.
Me and DS get nothing from my abusive ex yet this seems so acceptable by society and then women are made to feel like they should be 'oh so grateful' when they do get something. It's so wrong and I'm sorry that you got that impression from this thread.

herintheredskirt · 21/02/2015 08:58

There's no way that op should be 'matching' her XDH's contribution of £800 when she has the children 100% of the time.

dontwanttopanic · 21/02/2015 08:59

I am gobsmacked at some if the comments having a go at the OP. So two adults jointly take a decision to have three children. Those adults are jointly responsible for those children until they each turn 18 - morally, regardless of the CSA calculator. It seems really pretty off the wall to suggest that the OP's ex husband should pay a sum which will keep his children from starving and then be left enjoy his skiing holidays and flash cars in peace while his kids - you know, those kids he jointly decided to create with the OP - are living off baked beans and can't afford school trips etc. It is actually irrelevant what he is legally obliged to pay. What sort of human being would think that was appropriate?! It might be different if he were taking joint responsibility for their care for half the week also, thus giving the OP an equal opportunity to earn money to put into the pot. But he hasn't - he appears to have dumped the whole problem on the OP, whether overtly or as a result of his behaviour.

If the family are not based in the South East then one would assume he could still rent somewhere and pay his bills and have enough to raise his own children. It is absolutely true that he has a right to a life also. However, the life to which he has a right is that which includes looking after three children to the best of his ability rather than just preventing them from starving because that is the responsibility he took on when he decided to have them. Any half decent human being would be desperate to pay for their kids' school trips and uniform and educational opportunities to try to smooth their path through life snas far as possible. No, you don't have a right to start again with a clean slate and the ability to buy yourself swish electronics and go to nice restaurants. If that creates a problem for you in running a second household then that is unfortunate but a consequence of the responsibilities which you have assumed In having children.

The fact that some posters' ex partners do unfortunately appear to fall into thua category of morally despicable human beings is awful and I'm hugely sorry they're having such an experience, but that doesn't make the OP's ex husband some kind of bloody saint. Are those the standards we're holding up as normal now then?!

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 09:00

Well the main thing is you and the childten are safe. Obviously separated parents will have less income than when they were together and its a big adjustment, I appreciate you not wanting to discuss the financial details more but that's what has confused me, and I assume a lot of others. Taking the maintenance out of it because that's for the children you have an income from property rental so at least you have some money, I think people have mentioned benefits because no-one is left with no money - you can't support your family just on £800 child maintenance.

Tutt · 21/02/2015 09:02

I can understand the frustration of what is 'offered' to what you are used to BUT I think instead of a negative frustration try and change that to a positive.
Yes 800 isn't what you are used to but if you ex is what you allued to then the drop in your 'household' income is a small price to pay for getting rid of him?

I know things on paper look 'tight' BUT you have 3 small children, SAHM so if you can budget what he gives plus your rental income plus CB, take out all of your bills, food etc and then divide the rest by 4 ( 3 children and yourself) I do think you will have enough to live on and some over for treats.

Maybe try and look at a babysitting club etc so that you can have breaks.
It wont be like this forever and sorry to hear you have lost your family.
Things and money will all be ok once you get your head around it and 800 will increase as his wage increases OR lower if he losses job etc.