To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

Pag - Oi! I'm the OP!

Please persevere with tax credits. You should definitely be entitled to some, I can't understand why you think you're not?

They don't take any savings into account, or maintenance (other benefits do, and universal credit will when it comes in), so its purely based on actual income you earn.

I think the limit for a single parent is around £19k for one child, and around £26k for 2, so would be more for 3. Certainly I'm a single parent with 2 kids earning just under £24k, and I get a fair amount each month (would be around £200 I think, but I get more as one of my DC gets PIP, so you get an enhanced payment). Anyway, even a couple of hundred pounds should make a difference, so definitely keep trying with them. The calculator on "entitled to" is generally pretty good.

Make sure you're getting your single persons council tax discount if you're not already. Thats worth 25%. Some of the water companies do a discount I believe if you have 3 kids or more, or are on certain benefits (in fact thats just reminded me to phone, as my colleague gets a discount for getting child tax credits, and she earns more than me, so need to check that out!).

I know its come about through awful circumstances, but being mortgage free is definitely a good position to be in, as it means you don't need so much coming in each month to be able to survive, and there is no risk of losing your house. I'm trying to get my mortgage paid of ASAP, I live a fairly frugal lifestyle to do this. I've got some issues with illness that may or may not be fixed after a big op in the summer, so at least if I can get my house paid off then its one thing less to worry about.

Being a single parent is hard, I've done it for 14 years. When you have sole responsibility for your kids, its far more difficult to build up a career and progress through it, unlike the NRP who doesn't have any of those childcare worries. I'm lucky to be in a secure job, but I have put any hopes of promotion on hold, and have taken positions because they have fitted in with the kids rather than because I was necessarily interested in them. And if it wasn't for tax credits paying my childcare when I started my job, I would never have been able to afford to work, as £800 a month in nursery fees just wouldn't have been possible.

It does get easier, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Oh and I will also clarify on family that I am an only child, my father is dead, and my mum is old. The help I receive is very much of a financial nature.

Oh wow, well you're just like me then.

Fedup I am not saying that because you have your family you had it better or worse than me.

I (or more to the point ILs) are saying - you are different. Yours was another time and place. Yours had an elderly mother, mine had no mother. You're you; I'm me. You did things one way and they worked; I've done things 'this' way and I will make it worse. But don't go on about it in that sneering way some people have 'well I did XYZ so you - YOU - get on with it and stop whining.'

It's patronising and it's unhelpful and it can be harmful in the extreme.

Doesn't really work like that though does it Pag? We're on a public forum, people post what they like

Wow some people still can't read

Yep - free to spout whatever nasty shit they like.
It's possibly the only fun some of them get.

I see no problem with what fedup has posted.

What are you actually most worried about Stardust. Are you worried you won't afford to pay your bills with the money you have. Or are you annoyed because your ex will have a much better standard of living than you. I think you are entitled to be annoyed about both of those. Or is it something else?

all of those comments are out of context, however, aren't they? The early comments came before the drip feed. I also apologised to you via PM for those and explained the 'victim' comment. You don't have to like it, I agree, however.

It is only in the last few pages that you stated that you threw the ex out last week. It is therefore clear that in terms of 'recovery' (I am sorry you don't like that word but that is what it is) you are in a different place to what I initially thought you perhaps were. If you wanted to go to counselling (I get that you don't - although again, that came after the post you have quoted), there are ways around it rather than shouting people down saying you can't pay for it and/or you have children to look after. I went to counselling with a baby in my arms, for example.

And you ex is entitled to a life. He really is. The system says he is. He's entiteld to put a roof over his head and pay his own bills What is wrong with saying that?! That will be an argument you will hear in court at a financial hearing (in a much more clever way, of course). Your own barrister would argue the same.

The sympathy does run out quickly - one minute people are kind to you because you're pregnant and have an abusive ex..the next minute you're a non-working single mother of 3 and hearing the words 'benefit scum' behind your back. Been there, done that. Not nice. The quicker you are able to get yourself sorted, the less likely you are to come up against that kind of thing.

Never mind. I hope all goes well.

I am worried that, put simply, a lack of money will impact negatively on the lives of my children with the result that, as they grow older, their father will be able to use that to manipulate and cajole.

XH has paid £50 a week for the last 10 years for one DC. Not had a pay rise even in line with inflation so he reckons.

It's shit .

fedup has offered some good advice. Her posts seem to make far more sense than most. Can only presume they aren't fluffy enough for some people. She sounds like a strong independent woman who has been through shit too. It may not be the same shit as the OP, but is still shit nonetheless.

Blimey OP are you still getting it in the neck!

glad you are also getting some decent advice and support

you've even attracted a sock puppet or two - you have made it in MN terms

oh and you are still very much NBU x

I wasn't shouting people down! I said I did not feel it was something I wished to do and in any case there was a waiting list and I had no one to have DD - I got back 'get on the waiting list then' - not from you! - and pointed out I still had no one to have DD. As a result, according to you I am impeding my recovery.

You can apologise all you want for the victim comment but to be honest I still think it was one of the nastiest posts I've ever seen (and I've seen a few!)

And those posts weren't out of context. They were the overall gist of much longer posts.

Thanks for replying. I don't think children will be unaware of this if it happens even if they are happy to accept presents and extra holidays or whatever. Which lets face it most children would. It's hard and no fun when you literally haven't got enough money to pay your bills. And of course having more money so you can afford luxuries is nice. But there can be pleasure in small things. I don't mean that in a patronising way. It depends whether you will be literally scrimping and counting every penny or will afford a reasonable standard of living.

Pickled

Perhaps our disagreement is mostly about your imablity to see the difference between not being fluffy and just being a cunt

Stardust unfortunately you can't have any idea of what the future holds and how your kids will feel about their father. I worry that my son will blame me for having separated from his father, that he will resent me. I worry that his father swans in as the fun parent, lavishes him with gifts, and I get stuck with the discipline and all the crap. Thing is I can't change any of that. What I can do is my very best for my son, fuck what his father does. It is beyond my control. Financially? We survive on very little. His father could give more, but in all honesty my son has everything he needs, and has a good quality of life. Ex spends most of his money on expensive guitars and holidays with his girlfriend. I prefer not to be beholden to him.

Clearly we're different as I obviously desperately want to be beholden to mine

Fucking hell.

The state is not beholden to the taxpayer for paying taxes. It's what you do.mits what's right and fair.

'I don't really see how how it's possible to disagree with Pag's posts'.

Maybe because you seem closed to ANY viewpoints that do not match your own.

This thread is ludicrous. People being castigated and insulted for 'upsetting' someone who has been a DV victim. Perfectly fine to say wtf you like to other victims who have shared their story to try and HELP the OP though. Yes, they're fair game aren't they

Oh and OddSocks - I think perhaps I may be the poster you thought may not be 'genuine'. More than happy to send you the news clippings referring to my case, or pictures of the child he left with a brain injury after being violent towards him. How fucking dare you question how 'genuine' I am.

Pag having known many cunts in my life, I am well equipped with differentiating between the two.

Dont worry fed up and pickled- Another 'cunt' here. Just in case your feeling lonely.

Stardust I didn't say you were desperate to be beholden to your ex.

waves to demonchilde.

I am closed to viewpoints that are WRONG.