To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

It isn't fair that the OP receives so little when her ex gets so much more. This is something that will be addressed in court I presume. However a combined amount of £1400 a month (mortgage free) should be more than enough for her and the 3 kids. I am sure spousal support can be sorted etc, but the amount is enough to live on. Saying that doesn't belittle the OP's situation, or mean it isn't unfair, or that I am unsympathetic.

Ok Pag that has been agreed repeatedly. So...what's the answer?

It does when people keep saying it and adding that they get less, be grateful, shut up, doesn't it?

That is belittling. It takes away my right to a voice, even if only on here, takes away my right to object to that.

The answer is in not relying on the CSA pickled - BUT the CSA should be able to be relied on.

What is with all the personal slights towards those offering a slightly different perspective? 'Nasty' of having 'limited emotional imagination' 'victim blaming'. I could go on if I could be arsed...

It's not fedup who's being the patronising one as far as I can see.

It IS bollocks to say it is factually incorrect for someone to say ' I have been in that situation' IF they are referring ( as I was) to being disgruntled at the unfairness surrounding the OP's current situation. Of course everyone's situation is different. What an inane thing to keep pointing out. Likewise, everyone's persptive to the QUESTION the OP asked is going to be different...

And I'm well aware of the stages of grief, thank you. Clearly ( and understandably) the OP is going through the anger stage. it's just a shame that anger is being misdirected at anyone who offers an opinion/ share their own views and experience/ attempts to dry and help the OP eventually move on from focussing upon the unjustness of the situation. If you don't want the answers then why ask the bloody question... Seriously.

Fedup, please show me where I have been nasty, called your integrity, gender, sincerity or honesty into question. Where I have made personal insults or ganged up on anyone. If I have then I will make the appropriate apologies where necessary.

Stardust surely just ignore the people who have upset you? If you don't agree with them, then fuck them. I think that there has been some excellent advice from posters such as fedup though. She has proven that it can be done. The situation is shit at the mo, I totally get that. He is an abusive arsehole and you have done damn well to get away from him. This is the beginning of you taking charge of your life. It sounds like you will have a fight on your hands, but am sure with the right support you can do it.

sadly, you can't rely on the CSA. Fucking useless. The Law that the CSA works within is even worse.

Oh spadequeen, I'll just do a passive aggressive 'never mind' and move on. Never mind. Never mind.

I'm not angry! Well, I am a bit cross now actually as it's very irritating to be 'told' you 'are" something, but saying 'the situation makes me angry' is in the abstract - I'm not smashing plates up.

I'm actually pretty cheery

Except when I am sick!

demon it seems strange to me that certain posters think it's ok to attack the OP (and whether you mean to or not yours and other posts came across as incredibly nasty in their tone) but then act offended and shocked when people criticise you and others like you in return. It's outrageously hypocritical.

And yes the poster who said that she didn't feel like the OP when in a similar situation did lack emotional imagination. If you can't envision (and even get angry at the thought) of someone in a similar situation to you (if she was genuine which I'm not sure about) feeling differently to you and being more sensitive than you have been then you lack empathy and emotional intelligence.

pag I bloody love your posts! Spot on!

Star- of course you have a right a voice. But then so do others, particularly when you asked them a question.

But anyone who does not answer exactly what you want to hear is being shouted down.

But why should we accept that csa are useless?

And your final comment proves my previous point.

I think that maintenance is such an emotive subject. Lots of women get fuck all. Lots of women have left abusive relationships and had to go to hostels, lost their homes, not had a penny to their name. I would see these stories as inspiring. Thse women got by on a lot less. They can do it and so can you. Just another perspective. None of this means that it is fair, he should be paying more, we all know that.

fedup has not been excellent!

She has been a thorn in my side since the second page of the thread, I think, where she informed me I was "being a victim" because I said I could not work.

Since then she has stated my 'refusal" to go to counselling has impeded my 'recovery" and that she was in exactly the same situation as me but with help from her family got through it, which even a cursory eye on the thread should be able to see the gaping hole in that argument.

She has stated I feel emotions I do not, has repeatedly brought up herself as an example as to "how it can be done" and has generally been a pain in the arse.

As we were.

Or you could go for stick your fingers in your ears and sing lalalalala, just as mature

Oh so be quiet odd socks. The 'nasty' slight is getting boring now. As I said before- highlight where I have been 'nasty' or shut the fuck up. ( other than that bit of course )

I think the fact fedup is still here 30 pages later indicates she is not being "shouted down."

It is perfectly okay to say as some already have - you know what, I have thought about it and pagwatch is right.

I probably would be wary about doing that with some posters but pag is a gracious sort. And I might be being stupid but I honestly just don't see how you could argue with her posts?

I think that Fed up has made some excellent points. Again, someone's posts being rubbished because rhey

starlight - at no point did I say anything about cousenlling and recovery. You have me mixed with someone else there. I did point out it's free on the NHS, I think.

At the point I said you were a victim, I don't believe you had stated you were pregnant as whether you want to believe it or not, your early posts drip-fed the full situation. I also believe that many single parents use the 'but I have children' card to avoid working because it can be difficult to work out the logistics. That is being a victim of circumstance rather than attempting to make it work. Of course you currently can't work. I have not suggested otherwise.

I am not putting myself forward as a 'how it can be done'. I have clearly stated that relying on the ex for money is a poor strategy in your current situation and shown you why.

Gosh. A pain the arse.

Someone's posts are being rubbished BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG.

I am not a victim; I am a woman with a 10 month old daughter and another baby on the way. It doesn't make me a 'victim' because I can't afford childcare. That was WRONG.

I'm not 'impeding my recovery' because I am not unwell. On the contrary I am brighter, happier and more confident than I've been in a while. I have sound mental health just now. Like someone with strong physical health not needing vitamins to fight a disease, I don't need counselling as I'm fine. That was WRONG as well.

I am not 'expecting to be kept in the lifestyle I (was) accustomed' - I am expecting my children to be kept safely and securely. That statement was also WRONG.

She is not in the same situation as me; her family helped her, mine are all dead. That was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

If someone is WRONG I will say so. I include myself in this statement. Do not make up things about me and my motives and use them to sneer. You are WRONG!

I am loving the posts from people sticking the boot in since the op posted whining about being picked on or shouted down.

excellent

The op could ignore shitty posts. Or people could just not post shit?

oh..and whilst my family absolutely help me, where I am today is down to me and my hard work.

20th Feb - 22:24 'are you serious ... Spare a thought for the ... women ... who received nothing at all or very little from their ex'

20th Feb - 22:37 'boasting of a mortgage free life with at least £800 a month on top whilst complaining it's not enough ...'

20th Feb - 22:42 - 'don't be a victim.'

20th Feb - 22:45 - 'delaying the healing process and clears the way to bitterness and resentment.'

20th Feb - 23:04 - 'your ex is entitled to a life'

Yesterday, 8:38 - 'the sympathy runs out very quickly... The OP ... (Needs to) recognise that despite the reduced circumstances she is facing, it could be am awful lot worse.'

Yesterday 9:27 - 'you want people to agree with you'

Yesterday 10:29 - you are putting obstacles in the way of your recovery ... Saying you can't go to counselling because you have no one to leave the children ignores the fact that there are services out there ...

Helpful?

I just did that search on my phone to find the post I mentioned above but fedup have you REALLY been helpful?