To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

In your opinion Star.

Whether or not you agree with her perspective towards your own situation, I still see a lot of wisdom in her posts.

I walked away from my very well paid ex and asked for nothing because I knew if I relied on him for anything, he'd still have a means to control. That wasn't fair. Nor were the years of ptsd I endured as a result of his abuse, or the lasting damage ( physical and emotional) it did to our children. Sometimes now I have times when I am consumed by how unfair it all is, but I'll be buggered if I let that way of thinking continue for long or become bitter because then, that bastard will have won. We have lived hand to mouth at times, but still it is far far preferable to the life of hell we had with him. It isn't fair no. And nothing will ever change that, so accepting it was the only choice I had to gain any sort of peace.

Leaving this discussion now before I get accused again of being 'nasty' or uncaring just for trying to offer a slightly different take on your original question.

you or anyone else disagreeing with my points does not invalidate them, nor does it make me uncaring or insensitive to your plight.

I wish you all the best.

Op, I've not read the entire thread but I agree with you. That is not much money relative to his income and he has 2, nearly 3 kids for which he is jointly responsible. I wish you luck and hope things work out ok.

Really good posts from lime and demon

A sudden thought - does Thr amount go up when child 3 arrives?

Yes it does, the amount quoted of £1000 ish was based on 3 kids. However, it also goes down if another woman has his baby and subsequently claims maintenance off him. Instead of the 25% of his pay going to his 3 kids, it will be split between 4 kids, or 5 or 6......

THAT is a major issue with the system. Once a man is paying 25% of his salary, he can merrily knock up woman after woman knowing that it wont cost him a penny more than if he had just stuck with the 3.

Personally I think it should be ten percent for the first child and 5% for every single child after that. Have 10 kids? Then kiss goodbye to 60% of your salary!

Knowing that each child would cost him another 5% would soon put them off!

Thanks bogey -and hi hope you are good?

That's awful.

bogeyface that is a flaw, especially when you consider that he doesn't even have to have anymore children, just live with someone who has children.

My best friend has just had her maintenance reduced because her ex has moved in with a woman with 4 children. Despite the fact their father pays maintenance for them.

She and her partner can't afford more children. The fact the pitiful amount her ex pays is being cut to provide for someone else's child is a slap in the face.

RJ totally missed it was you!! I am good thanks, hope you are too :)

These arseholes dont have to do much to avoid paying, the CSA has done it all for them

Bogey I am great! Slightly pissed but great,

I reckon if they had to pay a flat 10% per child they'd be a bit more careful eh?!

And even that somehow isn't enough. Not when I think of how much of mines and DH salaries go on child related costs.

Ugh the victim blaming here by FireflySerenity just shows what women who leave abusive relationships put up with.
Ffs the shit you come out with is offensive bollocks.

Why are people saying the op should be grateful because they get less? I get sweet fuck all but that has no bearing on weather op is bu does it.
Its not a fucking race to the bottom.

I reckon if they had to pay a flat 10% per child they'd be a bit more careful eh?!

10% was my first thought tbh!

You know why the CSA keeps it nice and low? Because the men that make the rules dont want to hand over ££££ to their exes and their mistresses from their government salaries, directorships and stock holdings. They are not going to authorise 10% per child, despite that being the real cost of being a parent, because they know what it would cost them personally.

As long as men rule rule the world, women will get fucked, both literally and metaphorically.

Jesus, I can't believe some of the horrible, ignorant shit that has been posted on this thread!

Firefly, are you thick as well as nasty? Comments like 'when a man goes, he takes his income with him' and 'you should pay half for the children you helped create' are just ridiculous. You do realise that the three children are living with the OP, yes? How the fuck do you then reason that he should provide 50% of the money, while she should also provide 50% AND 24/7 care for them?! They're not pot plants. Someone still has to actually raise and since their abusive twat of a father has left the building, it's not going to be him.

OP, you are not being even one tiny bit unreasonable. Ignore the hateful comments on this thread.

Mumsnet at it's worst.

raise them

Its not it's, FFS.

So annoyed by this thread I can't even type!!

OP, I've only read upto page 7 of the thread.

YANBU.

It sounds like you are not married as you use the acronym STBX not STBXH, so I am assuming that your STBX has no claim on the house, then?

I'm at how little empathy people on here have.

I can understand your anxiety, and on his salary, he is going to have a lot of spare cash, whereas you won't.

Sorry to hear that your parents have died. I hope you have kind people around you.

It would be interesting to know how many of the posters on here, who have been quite judgmental, telling you that you should get a job and contribute yourself, are lucky enough to have parents/pil providing free childcare, thus making work affordable to them.

You said you are ill - I hope you're feeling better soon

Just read Koala's post, but before that, I was on p7.

It seems like the thread has got a lot nastier.

Ignore the negativity you're facing, OP. Some people on here are so bitter. It's awful that some parents receive no financial support from ex partners, and terrible that others get a measly £5.00 a week.

It's not the OP's fault, though. You're not being grabby at all.

OP, I haven't read the whole thread as it's so long, but I'm not sure if anyone has told you that you could be entitled to full Maternity Allowance if you have been doing a Self Assessment tax return for the rental income you have been receiving and paying Class 2 NI contributions. This is around £600 per month for 9 months, so would certainly boost your income in the short term.

If you haven't been paying Class 2 contributions, phone HMRC and register now and you should still have enough time before baby is born to get up to date and claim.

So it would be fairer if someone who's ex earns less only gets 30% of their salary whilst the ex of a higher earner gets 50%.

Yes demon, it is as fair as possible. Just like income tax, people who earn high salaries can afford to contribute more. If you bring in £900 a month working in aldi then obviously you can't afford to give 50% to your kids as you'd be homeless and starving, so in that case the ex would have to be provided more benefits if she didn't earn enough herself/himself. If someone brings in £5k a month they can afford to give a great big hunk of their salary to provide a good life for their children.

OP YANBU. It would hack me right off that he got to happily maintain his lifestyle while his own children were screwed.

As for all the bitter ones on here, you remind me of the 'lick road clean' Month Python sketch.

I'd also rather there was no CB and, instead, a comfortably off parent took full responsibility.

I've got up to page 23!

NO, STBX did not walk out on me but after over a decade of physical abuse and intimidation, of emotional abuse - gas lighting (hiding things then shouting at me for losing them being his little trademark) name-calling, sneering, jeering, being so awful to my friends, not letting me see other friends, sexual abuse - which you know I am NOT going to go into - financial abuse...

FWIW OP, I don't know anyone in RL who has had a tougher time than you. You come across as dignified, rational, strong and amazingly un-bitter tbh, in spite of everything you've been through.

I've glad you've got properties, as a source of income, and security. I hope you get to keep them all. In time you'll be able to re-train and juggle it all and work without him sneering at you.

Also, did you post about your abusive partner and desire to leave under a different name a while back? If so really well done for having the courage to go ahead and do it. I'm very sorry for the many sad losses you have endured

OP it doesn't sound fair I agree.

Something that puzzles me is if both parents were working in a marriage and DH leaves he would only need to pay 20 percent to r p. I'll use roughly my own figs for ref say 400. However in these circumstances the resident parent would still be paying 1200 a month on childcare. Does the nonrp not have to pay half of this? Because if the rp were making the same ish money say 2000 they wouldn't be entitled to benefits but 2400 to pay rent etc isn't much after you take out childcare. Wouldn't you be better off on housing benefit etc or taking a much lower paid job so you would get a childcare contribution from the state.

In the Ops situation she would need at least 1500 for childcare.She would have to be making a lot of money to make it pay since it seems that the other parent doesn't have pay half. It doesn't seem at all fair to me.