Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 24 25 26 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:

Sleeplessinstreatham99 · 22/02/2015 08:44

OP you have my sympathy.

I really don't understand the figures here or indeed as you say, why he can get away with paying you so little. Forget the CSA for a moment. Have you consulted a good divorce lawyer?

I know a couple who split when she had an affair. She has 3 kids, just over 50% of the time. She is a nightmare and financially irresponsible. Has a part time job earning c £20k. The exH is a high earner, but crippled himself with a massive mortgage to "buy" her out when they divorced...there is no spousal maintenance, but he pays about£1250 a month for the children. That should cover all formal childcare, but he obviously pays a lot extra for things when they are with him.

The circumstances are a bit different, but is this guy ( who is a responsible dad and had good legal representation) a total mug? Why can your stbx get away with paying very little, when this guy has almost no disposable left for himself. Not on the breadline, but while W took the car, and has had 2 weeks hols in the Med last year with bf and a expensive ski hol this year, his only hol has been 2 weeks with kids staying with relatives in Devon. Someone has it wrong...surely you must be entitled to more from stbx??

ilovesooty · 22/02/2015 08:47

I hope that when the divorce lawyers get to work on this you'll end up with a lot more for the children than CSA says.
Early days yet.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2015 09:00

Some one should print this thread off and keep it as a testament to the culture of victim blaming, in particular of women by women.

This op did what everyone tells her to do and rejected a man who was cruel and abusive. She then made the mistake of not wanting to be financially screwed by him.
That, apparently is unacceptable.

In order to be 'strong' , in order to not be 'bitter' or 'grabby ' she should take what she's given. She should shut up and get on with it because others get less - who the fuck does she think she is?

She also shouldn't argue with this idea being rammed at her on here because to do so means she will have her mental health questioned and posters become increasingly petulant, even resorting to 'but it's Aibu, you should expect a kicking'
They have uniformly whined if challenged and complained and sulked about being called out for their shitty posts - like children caught stealing shouting 'don't call me a thief' . Although in fairness their attempts to wrap it up as advice have been quite amusing.

What's the matter with women. Why are they making a virtue of the idea that women get shafted. Is this really the way we still want things to be when our daughters are at this point. Why is questioning the system so unbearable for some? And why is anyone so very very determined that by questioning it the op deserves the rude, aggressive and judgemental nonsense some have posted.
It's baffling.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2015 09:02

By the way nothing above relates to the comments of FireflySerenity.
His/her comments are so spectacularly thick they would require a post of their own and honestly I can be bothered to entertain that level of stupid.

Marynary · 22/02/2015 09:06

Some one should print this thread off and keep it as a testament to the culture of victim blaming, in particular of women by women.

Why assume they are women though? There is nothing to stop men posting on mumsnet and I'm sure that many do particularly on issues such as those discussed on this thread.

ilovesooty · 22/02/2015 09:09

Absolutely Pagwatch

And as a counsellor myself I was appalled at some of the comments saying the OP needs counselling to somehow reach some fucking acceptance of her husband continuing his manipulation and abuse of their financial situation. Fuck that.
As the OP has quite sensibly said this is about doing her best for her children and getting through each day given the lack of RL support she has.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2015 09:15

Well because several of the posters described them selves as women. Some described their posting as a result of having had exactly the same experience as the op.

Of course it could just be me and a bunch of truck drivers called Kevin but we can only assume to respond to how people present themselves, surely

ilovesooty · 22/02/2015 09:17

Oh and those who describe themselves as "I've been in your position OP"

No you fucking haven't. Your story is yours. The OP has her own story and feelings

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 22/02/2015 09:18

Absolutely spot on Pagwatch. Quite unbelievable responses.

You have lost your family and endured abuse. You should be being supported, not harangued.

I would like to say I'm surprised by the reaction on here but I'm not.

I really do wish you well.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2015 09:18

I know ilovesooty.
It's baffling.
Bullying her into accepting that she was unreasonable to be angry and that she needs therapy. She should be angry., it's fucking outrageous.

Only1scoop · 22/02/2015 09:23

Pags summing up spot on. At times I thought I must have been reading a different Op to others on here.

Spadequeen · 22/02/2015 09:24

Omg there's some nasty twats on this thread who are incapable of reading and reading between the lines. Should be ashamed of themselves

Sallystyle · 22/02/2015 09:30

Great post Pag

I would have hoped for better on MN, considering this place prides itself on having intelligent posters unlike another certain website. I was shocked to see that so many people think the op is being unreasonable.

Sometimes women are women's worst enemies it seems.

Although I think it just makes some feel better about themselves to knock someone down who has been through hell and is getting her life back together.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 22/02/2015 09:34

Me too scoop, very confusing!

Well said pag.

LittleBearPad · 22/02/2015 09:36

There's some really shitty comments on this thread. OP I would be livid too. I wish you all the best.

Marynary · 22/02/2015 09:44

Of course it could just be me and a bunch of truck drivers called Kevin but we can only assume to respond to how people present themselves, surely

I don't think it is just you and a bunch of truck drivers called Kevin! However, I do think that the issues discussed on this type of thread will attract a certain type of man. They may present themselves as women (or just not mention that they are men leading people to assume that they are women) as they feel that this will help their argument.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 22/02/2015 09:44

A lot of people are being supportive - sympathy is not always helpful - ie peering over at somebody in a hole saying "there there I understand" is not going to help that person get out of that hole.

Empathy from people who have been there and who say - acceptance of the situation is crucial in moving forward - because we can't change the past - only realise what we want for our future and work towards that is trying to do what's best for OP.

No amount of " it's not fair " or sympathies of strangers online will change the situation for OP or help her to move on.

Acceptance of the situation OP finds herself and encouraging her to commit to an outcome for our future is supportive - joining in about ruminating on how unfair it all is is not helpful.

Life is not kind, it is not fair, it does hurt, but sometimes we add to our own suffering but our own responses to situations.

There ARE some positives in this situation. That might sound harsh - but it also comes from somebody who has been in her situation.

OP can and will live on that amount of money - it is possible - yes she will need to change her lifestyle - she has no mortgage to worry about - with tax credits she will have a decent amount to live on.

OP is NOT the only person on this thread to have endured trauma - it is not fair to vilify other posters on the basis of them being arseholes - because many of those posters are the ones who have endured similar traumas and are speaking from experience - they know what works and what doesn't.

dontwanttopanic · 22/02/2015 09:48

But Blessed, surely you can see how incredibly patronising that is? If the OP wants to screech and shout then she is perfectly entitled to do that. It's really not for anyone else to be telling her what she "should" be doing or feeling. I think I'd be really fed up in her situation too.

Sometimes the posts on here are mind-boggling.

pickledparsnip · 22/02/2015 10:06

Blessed's post makes a lot of sense to me.

I think there has been a lot of good advice for the OP, most of which has come from posters who have been called cruel and unsupportive. It is fucking unfair that the wanker ex has to pay so little, not disputing that in the slightest. It is what it is though. Sounds like a shit hot lawyer is needed.

Spadequeen · 22/02/2015 10:07

As I said earlier, should we just accept things because that's the way the are? No. If more thing is unfair, why can we not scream and shout out as loud as we can about it.

If we accepted unfairness, women still wouldn't have the vote, there would be no laws to protect against discrimination.

Just because some women get nothing, doesn't mean that op should accept what she's been told.

Also (please don't take this the wrong way) why should I as a tax payer provide for op children via benefits when there is a parent who earns enough to provide for his own children. Why should op have to rely on benefits whilst the stbx gets off. And why should any fee the csa charge come from the money she receives, if the non resident parent doesn't cough up enough and the rp has to claim money this way, the fee should come from the nrp as a fine for being a twat and not doing the right thing.

Pagwatch · 22/02/2015 10:07

I'm not vilifying posters for what they have endured.
I am vilifying them when they are being arseholes.

The cop has had plenty of sensible advice. She has also had 'get over it, others have it worse'

One is helpful. The other is arseholery.

LittleBearPad · 22/02/2015 10:08

Blessed the OP is resolving lots of issues and moving forward. She kicked the fucker out for one.

Sometimes it's ok to vent, rant and scream it's not fair. Because it isn't fair, it's shit.

Then you move on. But in the meantime getting cross is ok too.

Spadequeen · 22/02/2015 10:10

The thing is though pickled, that is not what people have said is it.

Op asked if she wbu in thinking that the amount stbx has to pay is fair. Se has been accused of being grabby, her mental health has been called into question, she has been told she should be grateful to get anything at all, she has had people imply that the stbx is the wronged one, after all he will be deprived of his children, even though very early on it was implied of physical and emotional abuse.

pickledparsnip · 22/02/2015 10:11

Posters who have suggested the OP earns her own money at some point (once she is able to) are making perfect sense. Whatever she can do to support herself can only be a good thing. It is a further step away from that abusive wanker.

LittleBearPad · 22/02/2015 10:13

And the OP hasn't disputed that Pickled but with a ten month old and another baby due in July heading out to work isn't really practical at the moment.

Flip

1 2 ··· 24 25 26 ··· 39 40